First Annual Completely Biased Film Awards!

Hello and welcome to my First Annual Completely Biased Review Of The Year In Film Awards!

           

            I have spent most of 2011 going to movie theaters every Friday/Saturday to watch movies.  Not just any movies, but the 'big release.'  I didn't care about the most well-reviewed film or the one with the most pedigree.  I was looking for the movie that had generated the most  pre-release buzz and I didn't care whether that buzz was real or due to an advertisement blitz.  To 'find' the right movie I used an algorithm thought up by a genius coworker.  This consisted of Googling the name of the movie with the word 'film' at the end, and seeing how many sites came up.  I made no attempt to compensate for studio created buzz, because that sounds like work.

            Once the film was selected, I wanted to review it from the point of view of a regular (albeit judgmental and cranky) moviegoer, rather than as an actual (trained, talented) film critic.  I think I got it down pretty well, and I certainly had some fun doing it.  I'll definitely be back next year, starting with Contraband on Jan 13.  Excitement!

            Now, without further ado, a completely biased and random look back on 2011's terrible crop of films!

            Most Surprisingly Unterrible Movie:  Fast Five.  This award is for a film that I truly expected to hate and ended up, maybe not liking it, but certainly being surprised by my lack of hatred.  I fully expected to despise this movie, especially since it's a Fast and Furious film and I don't care about cars.  Like I said in my original review, they did me a solid and took the focus away from the cars.  Sure, they're there and they serve a purpose, but Fast Five is more like a half-decent cops and robbers movie that just involves a few neat chase scenes.

            Worst Comic Book Adaptation:  Green Lantern.  When you're making a movie that spans galaxies, it would probably be a good idea to make the plot and main character incredibly appealing so the audience has something to hold on to.  Unfortunately, while I like Ryan Reynolds as an actor, he was never convincing in the moments where he was supposed to show weakness and humility.  Also, the special effects were more distracting than they were awesome.

            Most Disappointing Movie I Was Actually Looking Forward To:  Priest.  Go ahead, check out this trailer and tell me you expected this movie to gross less than half its overall production costs (U.S. gross).

            Most Overhyped Film:  Sucker Punch.  For a director who is well-known for fantastic set pieces and well-choreographed action, it's nice to finally see that Zack Snyder really, really needs someone else to write the damn movie for him.  Sucker Punch leaves no doubt in anyone's mind that he is nothing more than a fantasy-oriented Michael Bay, trading in explosions for zombie Nazis and dragons.

            Worst Comedy In Decades:  Your Highness.  For those of you who believe I should give this award to Jack and Jill or Zookeeper, keep in mind that Your Highness actually had a comedic pedigree.  To expect current-day Adam Sandler or hangdog everyman Kevin James to be anything more than passable is to have unattainable dreams.  To hope that the guy who directed Pineapple Express, James Franco and Danny Mcbride could put together a fun, funny fantasy flick is perfectly reasonable.  That reasonableness was laughed at, spit upon, covered in feces and locked in a closet.

            Worst Thing About Transformers 3:  The acting just barely edged out the plot.

            Best Thing About Transformers 3:  It wasn't Transformers 2.

            Most Boring Movie:  Water For Elephants.  For a movie involving the circus, this was insultingly, painfully boring. Oh, wait, Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon are the love interests and the only great actors in the film are the elephant and Christopher Waltz.  That explains it.

            Most Wasted Actor:  Christpher Waltz, who did a fantastic job as the violent, jealous ringmaster in Water For Elephants.  Too bad the rest of the movie was elephant dung.

            Most Wasted Actress:  Cate Blanchett in Hanna.  A close second goes to the star of Hanna, Saoirse Ronan, but Miss Blanchett's delightfully detestable villain was a joy to watch. Too bad this action/mystery was so blandly predictable.

            Worst Actor:  Adam Sandler.  Go see Jack and Jill and tell me I'm wrong.

            Worst Actress:  Emily Browning.  Now, this may be Snyder's fault, but Sucker Punch's Babydoll showed absolutely no emotion beyond the opening scene, delivered every line with the energy of a speak-'n'-spell, and turned sexy dancing into something creepily nightmarish.

            Best Non-Oscar-Bait Film:  Warrior.  For a movie that was pretty much a 2 hour UFC promo, I was absolutely blown away.  Warrior combined fantastic acting with well-rounded, believable characters and perfectly spaced action scenes.  Tom Hardy and Joel Edgerton are alternately fantastic and frightening, and their estranged father, played by Nick Nolte, is easily the most broken, depressing character this year.  Everything worked perfectly, and it's the only Mainstreamin' movie that I genuinely want to own and watch again.

            Other movies that deserve consideration are:

Conan: Worst Action Movie

Contagion:  Best Ensemble Film That Forgot To Have An Ending

50/50:  Best Comedy With A Heart

The Debt:  Biggest Waste Of Talented Actors

The Thing:  THIS CLOSE To Being A Good Remake/Sequel

Paranormal Activity 3:  THIS CLOSE To Being A Good Trilogy

           

            Feel free to chime in with your own thoughts.  What do you agree with?  What do you disagree with?  What did I miss? 

            As for me, I'm spent.  Have a Happy New Year and try not to get arrested. 

            Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a great New Year's gathering to attend, then I'm off to MAGFest.  See you in 2012!

The Death of Netflix'd

Shed a tear for Netflix'd.

            It only lasted a few months, but there's a chance that it's gone for good.  For now the only time you'll see Netflix'd pop up is when I get a bunch of obnoxious friends in the same room to help me make fun of a movie.  This is harder than it sounds because most of my obnoxious friends live in other states.  I'm currently stuck with calm, rational friends.  Eww.

            Now, Netflix is listening to and logging complaints, and it appears that I was just one of thousands of people who enjoyed Party mode on the XBox.  If you want to join the cause, feel free to call 888-811-1933 and lodge a formal, polite complaint.  Don't be a derpwad and just yell or whine.  That's not helping anyone.

            More importantly, what have I learned from all this?

            The simple answer:  Some movies are only worth watching with friends. 

            The better answer:  Not all films are created equal.  I understand that most movies are a labor of love.  Someone, somewhere, wanted a movie to happen and poured time, thought, and/or money into it in an attempt to bring their ideas to life.  (Of course, things like The Smurfs movie make that argument questionable, but let's assume that the majority of films are brought about because someone cared enough to work their ass off.)

            Well, what happens when that labor of love is stillborn? 

            Things go wrong.  Maybe the budget was too small.  Maybe the actors weren't right.  Maybe the director and scriptwriter didn't see eye-to-eye and things ended up muddled.  Maybe the entire film should never have happened.

            That last one is the category that most Netflix'd films fall under.  Birdemic seemed intent on proselytizing the dangers inherent in man's attempted domination of Earth, everything else be damned!  By everything else, I of course mean all acting, scenery, script writing, line delivery, sound, special effects, coherency and production.

            Mutant Vampire Zombies From The Hood was not much better, with the exception of better obvious production value.  That and Stripperland stand in opposition to by having absolutely no message to convey.  Despite being supposed horror movies there's nothing scary about them, and the action was, shall we say, lightly choreographed.

            On the other end of the spectrum, I finally got to see the live-action Avatar: The Last Airbender film.  My new goal in life is to charge Hollywood over $100 million for the right to have me take a dump on someone's chest.  Because this movie is M. Night Shyamalan shitting on the imagination of tens of thousands of people just for having the audacity to hope beyond hope that Hollywood could actually make a good film adaptation from a popular cartoon series.

            What else did I experience during my adventure into B movies?  I have learned that both Hollywood and independent, small-budget filmmakers often make the same mistakes.  The only real difference is in budget and actor/director name recognition.

            I don't want this to be simply a breakdown and insult of all the movies I watched, but it should come as no surprise that while actively asking people for recommendations of crappy films I ended up hating most of the movies I saw.  I wanted to plumb the depths of Netflix Instant's library and find those movies that make people stop and ask "Why the hell is this even a thing?"  I was hoping to answer that question by pointing out entertaining parts of otherwise crappy films.  I never expected to be able to defend an entire movie, but I truly believed that even cheap, direct-to-DVD films have some sort of redemptive value.  There are examples of small budget films developing a cult following after years of word-of-mouth.  I can't deny that I would have loved to have stumbled upon one of those films during this project, just to say I was one of the cool kids.

            The lone exception was Santa's Slay.  It had better-than-average production values, never lost coherency, didn't stick around too long and managed to be exactly what it promised to be.  It was alternately funny, goofy and violent.  There were no real plot holes and just a few instances of inconsistency.  I would say that, if I had to pick a winner for Most Surprisingly Entertaining Netflix'd Film of 2011, it would go to Santa's Slay.

            That being said, it seems obvious that if you're going to try and make a movie with very little money, shoot for a horror film.  If you can find a few half-decent actors, a guy who can make entertaining special effects on the cheap, and attach a light to your camera, you may be able to pull off something entertaining. At the very least you may get a few memorable scenes with a turkey wearing Groucho Marx glasses.  If you're going to go straight comedy, make damn sure you're actually funny to lots of people, not just your own social circle.  If you're shooting for drama or action, just stop.  Quit while you're ahead.

            I'm never going to stop loving cheesy, potentially-terrible B-C-and-D movies.  If Netflix'd taught me anything, it's that I need to try even harder to find the good stuff, before it gets buried by all the delightfully terrible.

            Of course, it never hurts to have good friends with you on your adventure.  The list of Netflix'd participants got pretty damn long, but please believe it when I say that if you're one of the many amazing, awesome people who joined me for some of those film monstrosities, thank you.  I mean it from the very bottom of my angry, bitter heart.  You guys are all fantastic, and you made this project a lot more fun than it had any right to be.

Other titles considered for this article:

I come not to bury Netflix'd, but to praise it.

Say Netflix'd one more time muthafuckah!

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-Netflix'd!

Happy Holidays! A message from Mainstreamin'.

First off, special thanks to everyone who has been supporting me during this most interesting year.  I've discovered that I really enjoy writing what I hope to be humorous, mildly informative 'reviews.'  I'm kinda surprised myself, especially considering that many of the films I've viewed since March have not exactly wowed me, and some have downright horrified and disgusted me for all the wrong reasons.
However, we're now deep into the holiday season, which means that I'm plenty busy with other aspects of my life, and Hollywood is in the middle of their awards push.  This means that there are fewer terrible films out there for me to pursue, and I'm not all that eager to hunt them down.
I'd rather spend a month relaxing, watching potentially GOOD movies, and maybe going to MAGFest.
However!
Mainstreamin' isn't going away.  I will be back mid-January, as soon as the 11-month season of terrible movies kicks off again.  Until then, I won't be doing any new reviews, but I am working on two articles that I hope to get up within the next two weeks.  One will be an end-of-year retrospective, which will hopefully be the corniest thing you've ever read.  The other is a long-gestating defense of a genre that I don't think gets enough consideration.
Happy Holidays, and don't forget, even terrible movies have their fans.  Terrible, terrible fans.

Netflix'd: Santa's Slay

Welcome to what may possibly be the last or one of the last Netflix'd parties we throw around these here parts.  Unfortunately, it looks like Netflix isn't done being full of shit...err...hubris.  Their new XBox update does not currently support parties.

Until then, we will celebrate the Holidays with terrible, terrible holiday films.

You down?  Good.

            Today's treat is brought to you by Bill Goldberg, 'famed' Jewish wrestler, playing a homicidal Santa in....Santa's Slay!

            The movie starts off pretty well.  A bunch of B-listers and James Caan are having a family dinner, Santa comes in and kills them and then we  roll 5 minutes worth of credits.  Not bad for a 77 minute movie. 

            The plot is pretty simple, really.  A thousand years ago, an old man tricked Santa Claus into having to give up his annual night of terror for one millennia.  That was 1000 years ago TODAY.

            See?  Told you it was a simple plot.  Santa Claus is actually evil, and he would go around murdering people on Christmas until he lost a bet and was forced to be nice for ten centuries.  Now that the time is up, he's having a blast with his angry pet buffalo (bull?).  Not only can his bull (buffallo?) fly, but it also has a shiny red nose and eats people.

            The rest of the film is pretty much Santa going around killing everyone in amusing and inventive ways.  I really have to emphasize the word 'amusing.'  Too often, cheap horror movies either try so hard for laughs that they fall flat on their face and fail to be funny or creepy, and most of the rest try too hard to be scary, not realizing that their approach or lack of a budget makes it impossible.

            Santan's Slay doesn't have that problem.  The film is professional quality, whoever manned the camera actually knew what they were doing, and the effects are just good enough to not detract.  It doesn't go for over-the-top gore either, which is a nice change of pace from recent Netflix'd entries.

            Here's the lesson we've learned today:  Canada makes better cheap, entertaining, schlocky horror movies than America does.

            So if you're in the market for a very fun, relatively short holiday horror film to watch and you can't find your copy of Jack Frost (the one that doesn't star Michael Keaton), grab a warm, spiked apple cider, invite over a few friends and enjoy Santa's Slay.

            Yes, I'm actually recommending a Netflix'd movie. It really is a Christmas miracle.

It was a good turnout today.  Super-special thanks to Sian, Lauren, Jon, Joe Cam, Jesus, and Jacob for joining me.  As always, the movie is in italics and/or italic quotes.  We are obnoxious and in quotes only.  Yes, there are a lot of sexual and filthy comments.  No, the guys didn't make them all.  We're all equal-opportunity perverts around here.

Fran Drescher is the first thing you see: "I was like 'Oh man look at those tits.' and then I was like 'Oh God that voice."

"If that turkey had breasts like Fran Drescher it'd probably be a pretty awesome dinner."

"Chris Kattan is more believable as a Girl Scout than as a martial artist."

"I wasn't aware that Santa Claus was in Norse Mythology."

"Tell that guy to put some Christmas decorations up."  "I'm Jewish, you bitch."

"My brain refused to acknowledge the buffalo."  "No, the buffalo refused to acknowledge your brain."

"I like the women who can give good road head while driving.  It's a skill."

Non-sequitur:  "I've got Paula Deen in my vagina, full of butter."  "Don't feed it after midnight."

Crazy old man comes on scene. "Hey, isn't he in Twilight?"  "We wouldn't know."

 "Hey grandpa, where's the Delorean?"

"Why was this not given a theater release?" 

"I'm trying to absorb this movie's subtle fart humor.  Shut up."

"We already learned that the Thanksgiving turkey is a homicidal murderer, and now Santa is too, what about the Easter Bunny?"  "He spends the other 364 days of the year beating the shit out of people."  "So the Easter Bunny is Russell Crowe?"  "I always thought he was the Tooth Fairy."

"Wow grandpa, I always thought you were illiterate, now it turns out you're dumb."

"Grandpa, are you high?"

"As crazy as it sounds, it's still way more plausible than Christianity."

"Is this where I can find the porn dungeon?"

"Aww, my buffalo's mean to me."

"Looks like Santa is ho-ho-horny."

Santa pauses to Windex a stripper pole before using it.  "Hey, he's a sanitary Santa."

"Just like a typical male.  'I don't get no action, I'm gonna burn this place down.'"

"Man this GONAD is a dick."

"I thought you people didn't believe in him!"  "What do you mean, 'you people?'"

"Merry Christmas to all and to aaahhhhshit!"

"Who skeet shoots on Christmas?"  (In perfect stereotype Minnesota accent) "Yeah, y'know, we go out on Christmas time and we go shootin' with our guns."

"What're we gonna do now?"  "This is where you start suckin' my dick."

"Well, there's a whole chemistry lab that could be used as a weapon.  Nope, not a thing."  "They didn't pay attention in school."  "No weapons in sight."

"Who's your daddy?"  "..and what does he do?"

"Give him a blowjob, maybe he'll become a man."

"Well he's already got an E-Z-Bake oven.  She just needs to take off her pants."

"No one makes me bleed my own blood."

"Isn't an angel calling you a Sally like anyone else calling you a giant vagina?"

Placeholder

At some point, something useful is going to go here.  I am working on a write-up of how I feel about movie trailers and the sort of shit that needs to stop.  However, it's taking a bit longer than I thought it would.  Every time I start writing I get angry, and it's hard to write angry.

Until then, make sure you check out the trailers for the first two of a rumored 82342 Snow White adaptations.

Mirror, Mirror

Snow White and the Huntsman

Netflix'd: Very Bad Things! (Because I can't do terrible movies all the time.)

Today I'm doing something different.  I'm gonna watch a movie that I don't already hate.  I'm also not going to watch a movie that I will probably hate.  Instead, I am going to watch a film that I absolutely loved when I was a teenager, that I own on DVD and that I haven't seen in about half a decade.  Let's see how Very Bad Things holds up, shall we?

            Very Bad Things is a classic 'black comedy' about the worst Bachelor party ever.  Robert (Christian Slater), Michael (Jeremy Piven), Adam (Daniel Stern) and Charles (Leland Orser) take their best friend Kyle (Jon Favreau)  out for a huge-ass Las Vegas bachelor party.  Then, as always, Jeremy Piven goes and fucks things up.

            After Robert makes a terrible situation even worse, they band together and do their best to destroy the evidence.  Then we're about 30 minutes into a 100 minute film!  The rest of the film goes downhill for our erstwhile heroes as they're forced to try and live with what they've done.

            Meanwhile, Cameron Diaz plays Laura, the lucky bride-to-be and she will brook NO errors!  Everything else in this dark, dark film is for those of us who enjoy good films to know and you to find out, I suppose.

            I had really forgotten just how much I enjoyed Very Bad Things.  It really is a terrible, horrible, messed up movie, but it's played perfectly by all the actors.  For this to work, there needs to be an absolute commitment by the actors to just buy into the ideas.  The ideas here?  Their characters are screw-ups.  Different screw-ups, yes.  Some freak out, some go numb, and others turn to drugs and booze, but everything works.  It's a nasty, brutal, hilarious film. 

            To this day I remember sitting in the theater with my friend, getting dirty looks from everyone else that just didn't seem to get it.

            So yeah, go ahead and grab a beer, crank up the volume, and try not to feel guilty at laughing at such a dark comedy.

There were just three of us chilling like villains today.  Myself, Joe Cam and Sian.  You two are freaking awesome.

As always, we're in regular quotes, the movie is in italicized quotes.

"Man, Jon Favreau got fat."

"Man, remember when Cameron Diaz was hot?"  "And funny?"

"Did Jeremy Piven's hair grown forward in the past decade?"

"Remember when Christian Slater was an actual actor?"  "Who?"

"God damnit Jeremy Piven, we can't take you anywhere."

"I don't see why they find her attractive, she's so skinny."  "She's portable!"

"Who's got next?  She's free now."  (Yes, that was a dead hooker joke.)

"Aww, now everybody has AIDS."

"That's how you know he's a slime bag."  "He's a Real Estate Agent."

"Freakout in 3....2........."  "I think you're count's off."  "I'll just make it a really long 1."

"Well, if you don't calm down we're gonna hafta murder you next.  So.  Calm down."

"I love you, helmet."

"That's right Jeremy Piven.  Do all the drugs."

"He's gonna fuck her nasal cavity."

"Look at those eyes.  Those are the eyes of a psychopath.  I think they pulled that kid out of juvie just to do this movie."

"Hey, no smoking in my car.  Only people covered in blood can smoke in my-OOOHHHH."

Personal Challenge: Martyrs

            This is one of the rare movies I write-up not because it's new, or because it's a bad Netflix movie, but as a personal challenge.  Martyrs is one of the last 'most disturbing' films I had not yet seen.

             What would you do if someone tortured and abused you in a dark, dank abandoned warehouse for an undisclosed amount of time when you were a child?  Assuming you got free, what kind of an adult do you think you'd become?  A well-adjusted member of society, or a revenge-driven, confused individual who will do anything in your power to avenge the unwarranted punishment levied on you?

            To complicate matters, what if there was also another crazed, escaped captive who suffered the same humiliations and depredations as you, and had slipped so far out of sanity that they stalk you, angry and naked, for fifteen years?

            Also, you might be just a wee crazy.

            That's the question Martyrs asks, in the goriest, creepiest way possible.

            On to the review!

            Martyrs opens up with a young Lucie running down the street of a derelict warehouse district, covered in gore and screaming.  Yeah, welcome to the film!  We get a little backstory in the form of a doctor's interview and footage, explaining that Lucie was kidnapped and tortured for no discernable reason.  She is now at some sort of orphanage/hospital and isn't doing too well reintegrating into society.  However, she does make one friend, a younger girl who mothers her by the name of Anna.  Unfortunately, Lucie is still stalked by nightmares and a crazed, naked woman.

            Fifteen years later, we jump to the happy home of a nice, both-parents-and-two-kids family.  We're given just enough time to settle in and wonder what the hell is going on before everything juxtaposes and murders take place.  Without going into any spoiler territory, let's just say that nothing is as it seems, and a twenty-something Lucie (Mylene Jampanoi) finds who she thinks are her captors.  The family may or may not be a later source of importance.

            Anna is now her best friend, played by Morjana Alaoui, and all she wants is for Lucie to get better and stop being driven by her past tortures.  Absolutely nothing in this movie goes the way you expect it to.  In fact, so many cast members cease to exist that the movie actually switches gears halfway through, because everything seems to have been wrapped up around the 45 minute mark.

            To say things get fucked up would be to imply that things did not start fucked up.  Unfortunately, because this movie changes pace so often, I don't want to say anything more about it plot-wise, or else I may inadvertently spoil the shit out of it.  I wouldn't want to do that, because Martyrs is amazing both as a film and as an endurance piece.

            Unlike Salo, this film does not disgust you via sexual depredations, rape and bodily fluids.  Instead, it is a bleak film about torture and what it can do to a person both inside and out.  It is also unflinchingly brutal.  I'm not usually bothered by gore, but I hate real-life blood and guts.  I can watch Nightmare On Elm Street a dozen times while eating sandwiches, but I cannot spend three minutes watching a medical show or even a fictional show involving medical surgeries (I'm looking at you, House). 

            Martyrs makes the gore all too realistic, all too brutal, and all too frequent.  I was genuinely flinching at the screen on several occasions, and am going to have a hell of a time shaving tomorrow.

            Oh, and the last half hour?  Fuck you.  I hate the French all over again for doing this to me.  It's like they were afraid some other country was going to take their mantle as the creators of the 'most disturbing cinema.'

            So check this out if you're a fan of the violent, hyper-realistic horror genre or just want to challenge yourself.  Martyrs is not an easy film to watch.  In fact, it stares you right in the eyes and dares you to not once hit pause and take a breather.

Jack and Jill

Before I get into this 'review,' I want to reiterate a few things.  First off, I started doing this back in March for two reasons.  I wanted to entertain people and I wanted to use a (moderately) stable schedule to be a better writer.  If I help people decide if they want to watch a particular film or pique their interest in one of the few obscure films I write about, then awesome. 

            Really though, I don't like reading most film reviews.  Everyone has different tastes and too often reviewers write in such specific terms that it really seems like they're telling the reader just what they should think.

            Yeah, sometimes I get a little nasty or drool all over a film I love, but I like to think that I do it in a personal tone, as if I'm just giving you my opinion, rather than demanding you see things the same way I do.  I don't have a film degree, I'm not a film student.  I don't know anything about camera styles or film layouts.  Hell, I'm not sure I can always tell the difference between a green screen or a painted backdrop. 

            I do this because I love movies, and I try to find something to enjoy in all of them.  I want to compare a film to other movies that you, the reader, are familiar with so that you have something to compare it to.  Giving it 3 out of 4 stars does nothing for you, because you don't know where the hell my standards are.

            With that being said, here's your warning:

            I am about to be very, very, very mean.  It's all just a personal opinion, but holy shit is it a vehement one.

On to the review!

            Jack and Jill is rated PG.  It contains racism, anti-Semitism, ass jokes, fart jokes, poop jokes, sexual innuendos and disgusting bodily fluid.  These all take place in the first half.  Then it gets more irritating.

            At least the plot summary is easy.  Adam Sandler plays Jack Sadelstein, the identical twin of Jill Sadelstein, who is also played by Adam Sandler.  Jack is a successful L.A. businessman whose company makes commercials.  Jill is a 40-something woman who has never been married, or quite possibly ever been in a relationship.  Jack is happy and well-adjusted with a wife and two children, one of who was adopted.  Jill is a loud-mouthed idiot.

            Basically, Sandler gets to play the smart, relaxed cool dude on one side while also reprising his irritating grandma-ish voice from those O-so-long-ago comedy albums.  It's a win-win for every deaf person in the audience. 

            There's no depth here.  Dunkin' Donuts has demanded that Jack get Al Pacino for their new Dunkaccino or they'll find another agency, which would put Jack's company out of business.  Well, turns out that Mr. Pacino is a huge fan of obnoxious women who look a lot like Adam Sandler.  But, of course, he's not her type. 

            Yeah, that's it.  Problem is, that plot doesn't kick off until well over a third of the way into the film.  First we have to sit through a long, drawn-out introduction so we can establish just how awesome and happy and well-adjusted Jack is and how annoying and obnoxious Jill can be. 

            Joke after failed joke occurs as Jill continues to demonstrate just how hilariously clueless she can be, by responding to a computer question with "You know I don't own a calculator!" and constantly arguing about what movie she's trying to think of, even when everyone keeps telling her the name of the actual movie she's trying to think of.  Comedy!

            Of course, we are first treated to a montage of Jack and Jill growing up, which is terrible.  Mostly because it's not funny in the least and also because they saw the need to digitally alter the picture of the naked babies so they would have 'hilariously' huge asses.  Farting in the tub, pooping really loud, farting in the theater, sweat-outlined blankets.  This is what the movie reaches for, not as the lowest-denominator, but as the common denominator.  They truly assume that the best way to improve on a fart joke is with a real fart, or talking about 'dropping chimichangas.' 

            Once the movie gets rolling we get to see Al Pacino play himself as a crazy stalker, obsessed with Jill and willing to do anything to have her.  Meanwhile, Jack pretends to be nice to her even though she drives him crazy, and she continues to be irritating.  The absolute worst part of the whole film, for me, was when the friendly gardener Felipe (Eugenio Derbez) takes her to a family picnic.  At this point we are treated to an absolutely horrifying display of what white guys who have only met Mexicans when they checked on the hired help think a family get together should look like, complete with using jalapenos as smelling salts.

            At least I figured out why they went with the whole commercial angle.  It probably let them pay for 80% of the movie with product placement revenue.  You get the greats like Pepto-Bismol, Craigslist, eHarmony, Kawasaki, Dunkin Donuts, and on and on and on. 

            They need it though, because everybody and their brother shows up in this movie.  From the Shamwow guy to Regis Philbin, Norm MacDonald to Shaq, Drew Carey and of course Al Pacino.  Also, lest I forget to mention them, everyone who has ever even stepped foot on the set of a Happy Madison production is invited back. 

            Normally I would be excited to see so many comedians in a comedy, but each and every cameo just gets more and more depressing, until you're finally face-to-face with David Spade dressed as a slutty woman.  No, not 'a guy dressed as a slutty woman,' but a 'guy playing the role of a slutty woman in a movie.'  Because apparently Adam Sandler is not allowed to be the only male actor playing a terrible, terrible caricature of a female.

            I cannot really say anything more about this movie other than I hated it.  From start to finish, I was bored, annoyed and angry, depending on what was on the screen.  I think I cracked a smile once, but only because someone on screen was knocked unconscious. 

            I guess if you're still an Adam Sandler fan, you may enjoy this, or if you really love the same sort of comedy you get from those *** Movie films (Date Movie, Epic Move, etc.) then you might find something to enjoy.  If you want to remember Mr. Sandler as Happy Gilmore or the dude from Punch Drunk Love, you probably want to stay away.

Netflix'd: Season of the Witch

Super bonus round:  My wife is joining us on XBox Live (hooray $120 a year for two accounts!) and is deep in her cups o' wine.

            As a bonus, we're shooting for absolute high budget schlock with Season of the Witch.  You know a movie is going to be fun for all the wrong reasons when you have late-period Nicolas Cage.

            On to the review!

            You know what?  I was wrong.  Overacting, ridiculous Nicolas Cage was not present in this film.  Ron Perlman was not particularly more or less badass than he usually is.  Christopher Lee was plague-ridden. 

            Basically, this movie was 97 minutes of disappointment.

            In fact, it was kinda boring.  Fortunately there were 8 of us filling up the Netflix movie chat, which enabled about 500% more fun from comments than the movie offered us.

            The movie basically follows our intrepid heroes Cage and Perlman as they realize the Crusades suck ass and try to run away.  They get caught and are forced by Christopher Lee to either escort a witch to some location or face death.  Then everything gets pretty boring.

            In fact, I really don't want to talk about it, because it was just incredibly boring.  Read our quotes and call it a day.

            Nicolas Cage, I am disappoint.

Thanks for everyone who showed up!  Full house of fun and awesome!  Special thanks to my wife for being cute and ridiculous!

As always, comments in quotes are ours and italics are from the movie.

"Don't burn me!  I'm not a witch!  I don't weigh as much as a duck!"

"It's the city of Bruce Vilanch."

"I hate the Middle Ages."  "I'm more of a fan of the awkward teenage ages myself."

"I can't hear you.  Ron Perlman is in the way."

"Wow, it's so green-screen!"

"Draw your arms!"   "This is hardly the time to sketch, sir."

"We've been fighting for seven months!  I just wanna take a nap!"  "I need a wenching break!"

"His name is Almost Russell Crowe."

"Sons of Anarchy has ruined how I view Ron Perlman.  He should be on a motorcycle, shooting all these people."  "Dude, this is a Nic Cage movie.  That's Act 3."

"Christopher Lee got some really bad Botox."

"This is a comedy, right?"  "It's a buddy comedy.  Just wait until they get the black knight."  "Is he played by Martin Lawrence?  I hope it is."  "Yeah, they learn to set aside their racial differences."  "Racial differences between Ron Perlman and Nic Cage?"

"Nicolas Cage is so crazy he can just pull fruit out of thin air."  "Are we sure he's not a witch?"

Kid swings the sword while holding the blade.  "You're doing it wrong!"  (Shouted by several people simultaneously.)

"I can totally imagine the reaction of the people.  They'd be all like *gasp*"  "Oh nooooo."

"You don't sleep in a plague town.  You stay away from a plague town.  I'm pretty sure it was a Bruce Springsteen song."

"Even this guy, from half a town away, felt the disappointment of the previous scene."

"It's black plague spooge.  Ewwww."

"I didn't know the dog from Resident Evil was in this.  Where's Wesker?"

"Meh."

"I thought Cage was gonna make out with his horse for a minute.  I was really interested, and the horse looked kinda concerned."

"Push harder!  What is your problem?"  "I wish I didn't hear my wife say that so often."

"This better save his life, 'cause that's Ron Perlman's juice."  "I think we should be in a stagecoach, selling it from town to town.  Come buy Ron Perlman's Juice!  It will give you the power of a thousand men!"  "Or two Ron Perlman."

"I'm not gonna lie.  I just imagined them killing all the wolves in Twilight."

"He's doing what comes naturally..."  "Masturbating."

"I just realized something.  Why is Ron Perlman the most levelheaded person right now?"

"Sorry, I'm not in to little Welsh boys."

"I think the moral of this story is 'Nicolas Cage.  For when Sean Bean turns you down.'"

"The special effects in this movie make me miss Stripperland."

"They're like cockroaches."  "Yeah, because cockroaches drop from the ceiling and try to stab you with knives."

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

Do you have a problem with blood, drugs, violence, drugs, penises, drugs, boobs, marijuana, cocaine, explosions, ecstasy, children on drugs or drug humor?

Yes?

           

Then you probably didn't like the first two Harold and Kumar films.  Go away.

Are the downers gone?

Good.

On to the review!

            A Very Harold& Kumar 3D Christmas is the sort of film that cannot in any way jump the shark.  The first movie started out jumping the shark.  It was ridiculous, goofball stoner humor from the word go.  By the time a third installment comes along, the shark is a thousand meters long and a football field high, has lasers for eyes and must be flown over by a subspace sonic jet.  Piloted by a stoner.

            The movie starts off with enough self-reference to fill an entire satire.  It has winking nods to itself as a movie and as a 3D vehicle, and it does so with such a smirk and a shrug that you have no choice but to either enjoy it or just walk the hell out of the theater right then and there, because it's not getting any different from here on out.

            Harold (John Cho) is a happily married, successful Wall Street businessman whose only goal on Christmas Eve is to make his father-in-law happy.  Kumar (Kal Penn), meanwhile, hasn't heard from his erstwhile stoner friend in two years and is now single, alone, and depressed.  To say that weed is his only solace is to say that a man in a million dollar car is only compensating for a small penis.  We both know there's no way to exaggerate the truth.

            After some plot layout and discovering that holy shit Patton Oswalt is in this!  So is Thomas Lennon as Harold's 'best friend' Todd!  Whoa Danny Trejo is playing the father-in-law, Mr. Perez! Kumar receives a package on his doorstep that is addressed to Harold, heads over there and...surprise surprise, drug-related wacky hijinks ensue.

            Basically, Kumar accidentally destroys a Christmas tree that was raised by Mr. Perez for 8 years and is the difference between a happy Christmas and a terrible one.  This is what drives the rest of the plot forward and allows our drugged-up duo to endure a mobster, Neil Patrick Harris, a lovesick waffle making robot, a giant killer snowman and various other zany antics. 

            There are a few running gags that help to advance the plot, like Kumar's nerdy friend trying to lose his virginity and Todd's 3 year old daughter being inadvertently exposed to more and more powerful illegal narcotics during the course of the film.  They also do a good job of giving cameos to pretty much every character who was in the last two.  The only person you don't see who had a decent part in the first films is Freakshow, but the guy who I keep confusing for Christopher Meloni, Elias Koteas, does play a memorably entertaining character.

            The 3D is also used perfectly for a film that does not stop advertising itself as a 3D movie.  It's over-the-top but fun.  Everything that can be 3D is 3D, and it's always seems to maximize the humor, similar to how Jackass 3D used the technology.

            Go ahead and see A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas if you enjoyed the first two.  You can go into it knowing that they did not change the formula.  As far as stoner movies go, it's definitely more Half-Baked than Dazed and Confused.  The gore is definitely over the top and not really necessary, but it doesn't overshadow the fact that this is a crude, drug-fueled romp.  I imagine this is the sort of movie that gets made when a studio says "Here's a few million dollars.  Make us a movie that'll make our stoner nephew laugh."

Netflix'd: Stripperland

Today's 'how the hell is this on watch it now but <movie I love> still isn't?' selection is Stripperland!  A cheap, quick turnaround movie rip-off of Zombieland.  I am not exaggerating.  The first few minutes especially is a complete, utter theft down to the 'rules' of zombies (or in this case, zombie strippers) and the film intro.

            From the characters, to the plot points, to the settings, everything comes so close to intellectual theft that I am surprise no lawsuits occurred.  The Jesse Eisenberg role is poorly played by...well, you know what?  Most everyone in this movie is so 'new' (read: terrible) that they don't even have head shots on IMDB.  So...let's just use the movie names.  Idaho is Jesse Eisenberg and he's a loser but not a loveable loser.  Frisco takes the Woody Harrelson, twinkie-searching part and turns it into a lesser badass who wants nothing more than fresh baked desert.  Seriously, it's just....ugh.

            Also, just like Zombieland, they find two girls who end up tagging along.  Then, they head to Oregon because Frisco is promised a fresh baked pie.

            Yes.

            Seriously.

            On our way to the great Northwest, we are introduced to intellectual bankruptcy.  We just wander around from scene to scene and steal from all sorts of movies!  Reanimator!  Evil Dead!  Psycho! 

            Plus, random stuff!  A Baldwin playing a rapper!  I can more easily believe all the world's women have turned into stripper zombies before I believe that Daniel Baldwin is a world famous hip-hop artist.  A guy playing a gay pimp!  A crazed doctor!  None of these people have any bearing on the film other than to pad out what should have been an 80 minute film!  Ugh.

            Another huge problem with this movie and many of the films I have watched recently for this 'project' is the special effects.  Due to the ease and low cost of basic make-up and FX, lots of low budget movies take the more-is-more approach, and it suuuucks.  There is literally no reason to green screen the shit out of everything, add a bunch of terrible digital blood and graphics.  In fact, this movie takes it even further and puts a green screen in front of every single window.   Shit, when they drive it looks like three guys with laptops running past the window.  It's so, so, so terrible.  Even worse?  The movie promised us Gilbert Godfreid and we could not find hide nor hair of him.  For shame, lying movie poster! For shame!

            I just have nothing else to say about this movie.  It was a very fun party movie to make fun of, but I cannot recommend that you watch this on your own unless you are really good at making yourself laugh at unentertaining things.

            Still better than Birdemic, though.

            There was a  full house on Netflix today, so special thanks to all the 7-45 people who showed up (I...I can't count).  You guys are awesome and your contributions were freaking fantastic, especially compared to the film.

Aaaaaand, quotes are us, italics are movie.

GO!

On broken X-Boxes:

"This is the new red ring, you're stuck in a party with Pappy and Joe Cam forever."

On the rest of the film:  (Nothing remotely polite.)

"Well Joe, I hope you're cheered up now, because a dick just got eaten."

"This was filmed in the south because there's booze for sale in the grocery store."

"Music by Slipknot."  "Is it Slipknot?"  "No."  "Oh."  (Most disappointing conversation ever.)

"I guess that stripper was from one of those Fat n' Sassy strip clubs."

"I am NOT Woody Harrelson."  "If he's looking for a Twinkie, I'm fucking stabbing this movie."

"Yes, that was CGI cookie smoke."

"Steal ALL the plot devices!"

"I still haven't seen Zombieland."  "Well, it's just like this movie only not shitty."

"Wow, my microphone really picks up sighs of sadness very very loudly."

"Who the fuck keeps their pants on when the jack off in their own room?"

"We didn't do enough of the dance to have to pay Michael Jackson's estate, but just enough for the audience to know what we were doing."

"God this is a huge chainsaw."  "Your mom is a huge chainsaw."  "Damnit you beat me to it."

"His whole life was a fucking commercial for Pilsbury."

"I know we're not supposed to ignore the movie, but I'm really glad we're ignoring the movie."

"She looks like  a super lesbiany old Carrie Fisher."

"This man said Grandpappy.   He is the best person in the movie."

"Actually, that last one wasn't a stripper, it was just a tranny looking for a smoke."

"Hey, smelling like pinching tobacco, they're talking about you!"  "I quit smoking years ago.  Now I just smell like feces and desperation."

"Finally, boobs in a movie about strippers."  "And they are not good."  "No, they are not."

"No the stripper only speaks Spanish!"

"Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine."

"So, this guy decides they have to go after downing a bottle of liquor?"  "Who is going to pull him over?"  "Zombie strippers dressed as cops!  Duhhh!"

"You've got raspberry jam on your windshield."

"Hey guys, check out my laptop's screensaver.  Let's put this in the movie."

"Fuckadoodle Dandy."

"The gay man just called him a turd burglar."

"Hey look, an ass that doesn't have shit on it.  She must be new."

"Okay, is that an old woman or just....a dude?"

"Would you like to eat grandma's dusty muffins?"

Yeah, we're gonna leave it at that.

Red State

So, here's a movie that a few of you have already seen.  It's one that some of you absolutely rabidly couldn't wait for.  It's one that most of you have never even heard of.  Many of you probably won't even care after reading this review.  But after months of anticipation....RedState!

            Well, I guess I should be glad I wasn't anticipating this more than any other movie that mildly piques my interest, because that's my emotions were only mildly stimulated by the film. 

            Before I go any further, I am a huge Kevin Smith fan.  I own almost all his movies, and some of them in both DVD and Blu-ray.  But I'm not a Kevin Smith fanboy.  In fact, when I think about it, I'm not a real fanboy of any single person, be they actor, writer or director.  If they do something that doesn't entertain me, I'm not going to make excuses for it.  On the flip side, I'm not going to get all butthurt and scream about how they're 'letting down their fans' and all that bullshit. 

            I'm 30 years old.  I've never been so into any one thing that I defended it blindly.  First off, I wasn't very good at defending things verbally, and second, it just didn't make sense.  We have different things because there are people with different tastes.

            Anyhow, Red State is Kevin Smith's commentary on the ridiculousness of religious zeal from a pseudo actiony-horrory-torture porn point of view.  The movie starts off with three horny teenagers heading over to a hot chick's house for a 3-on-1 orgy of sorts.  Then they get drugged and kidnapped by the Five Points Church, which ably fills in for the Westboro Baptist Church in this fictional land.

            The kids are to be 'punished' by the true believers in Christ for their blasphemous ways via the wonderful act of shooting them to death.  Of course, since this is a holy place they will first be Saran Wrapped to a cross.

            Just as the film starts to turn into a horrific Hostel-type film where the three teens try to get away from these crazies before they're all killed, the movie shifts gears and becomes a hostage crisis movie starring John Goodman. 

            I will give Red State credit where it is due.  The people who live and the people who die are not always the ones you would expect, and how they die is often very surprising.  The dialog in the beginning and end of the movie is easily recognizable as Kevin Smith, and Michael Parks' crazy preacher character has a very interesting, stirring speech placed at just the right point to slow the entire movie down to a crawl.  Despite how well Parks does with his character, the timing and the length of the speech is just wretched.

            All in all, Red State is not going to sell you on Kevin Smith if for some reason you don't know who he is.  This is the only movie like it from this director, and I have to say that it's probably a good thing.

            Other than some sudden deaths, everything is pretty by-the-book, and there's nothing in this film that hasn't been done better somewhere else.

            I don't think this is Smith's Punch Drunk Love, where true fans of his totally ignore him because of how different and out there it is, but I do think it was just a weird place to go.  I like what he had to say, because I agree with him about both the ridiculousness of government and religious fervor without abandon.

            I just wish it was put together a little bit better.

            Red State is a decent party movie in the second half, but you sure miss a lot of dialog in the first half if you're not paying close attention.  Check it out if you're a fan, I'm sure you'll find at least a few things to love.  If you're a fan of Hostel-type movies, you'll enjoy parts of it.  Still, you might wanna just skip this and go watch Hostel again, or Feast if you need to see a member of the View Askewniverse get murdered.

Joe Cam, Sean, (mostly) Christie, Black Chad and a random dude who snuck in because Joe forgot to change the setting to private were the guests.  Thanks all for a good time of making fun of everything!

As usual, blah blah blah, we are talking, movie is in italics.

"Don't trust the unshowered hippie with a gun, he'll hurt himself."

"I wanna know what Kinko's Kevin Smith went to to get those signs made. " (Anal Penetration = Eternal Damnation)

"I'm outta beer boys, it's time for the gross Grandma fuckin'."

*At this point we have a 5 minute conversation about my trip to a fundamentalist Church.*

"I this cage, we got a Jew....we must convert him!"

"I loved the fact that everyone else in the congregation just smiled and nodded when he was tazed." "I think this is a hint that it might not be your regular congregation." "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Let's go burn some books!"

"Oh my God, there's someone under the sheet! " "It's the Holy Ghost! " "He has risen!"

"Are they gonna beat someone to death with the Bible?  That'd be awesome. "

"So we take the children, and we take them out back and play 'beat you with a rubber hose' because Jesus loves you. " " No, we take 'em down to Popeye's because everyone loves that chicken! "

"Well, he is a teenager.  They react much more slowly than us normal folk. "

Watch out for that gay saliva, it can turn ya. "There's no need to explain that any further. "

"This really should be a long commercial on the strength of industrial Saran Wrap. "

"He plays a pot dealer on Breaking Bad. " "Well, he apparently forgot to not looked stoned when playing a cop. "

"Because Saran Wrap breaks when you believe enough. "

"'Cause y'know...nothing says Jesus like an AK-47. "

"Pete!  Are you dead now Pete?  PETE!  Did you find my stapler, Pete!? "

 "Bill and Silent Ted's Excellent Adventure Strikes Back!  Get on that! " "Silent Jeb and the Wandering Dogma. "

"He's gonna miss, that kid has never fired a gun before. "  "But he's played Call of Duty. "  "Don't worry guys, I've played Halo, I got this! "  "I was hoping they'd have a plasma sword down there, but this is what I've got. "

"Stop hitting my butt buddy. "

"Yeah, fuck that gate!"

"He's channeling his inner Matt Dillon."

"It's in the bylaws.  In case of shoot-outs, do arts and crafts."  "Macaroni and glitter art."

"I'm puttin' you on the corner to make some money."

"It's the brown note!"

"It's opposite day.  We only shoot you if you want to live."

"The U.S. government does not kill people."  "We misplace them, and they're never heard from again."

"No, he's got Jesus tattooed on his dick.  He's got Moses parting the Red Sea on his ass."

The Thing/Paranormal Activity 3

Today I am going to give you a nice review of both (BOTH!) of your horror movie options for October, 2011.  It's kinda sad, but yes, there are only two films currently out on wide release that fit the horror film definition.  On the plus side, neither of them are a new Saw or Final Destination, and there are no gritty reboots of classic fright flicks to disappoint you.

            I'm going to put up both movie reviews in this post, but I'll give you a nice visual indication between the two, just in case you only want to read about one of them.  Because, y'know.  You might be afraid of ghosts and not want to read about Paranormal Activity 3, or you might be John Carpenter and not want to read about what they did to ruin your mythology with a prequel.

            On to the review(s)!

            The Thing, despite having the exact same name as John Carpenter's 1982 classic that was based on 1951's The Thing From Another World that was based on the 1938 novella 'The Thing From Another World' is actually a prequel.  For those of us who have an unhealthy love of the Kurt Russel classic, we can recall that the 'thing' had originated from a discovery made by a neighboring Norwegian outpost.  Well, this unnecessary prequel shows us exactly what happened at the Norwegian camp.

            The only actors you need to know or care about are Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Kate) and Joel Edgerton (Sam), two out of three Americans that are part of this story, because Hollywood would never make a movie with a non-American as the main character.  That would just be silly.  Also, it's the lazy way of ensuring most of your dialog is in English.

            Kate is some sort of frozen animal expert, so she is asked to fly up to the Arctic and help the team of Norwegian scientists study an alien found a few yards away from a downed spaceship.  Oh, I'm sorry.  didn't I mention the spaceship?  Here's where this prequel suffers.  It's not enough to make a movie and tie it into a beloved film.  They have to do it BIGGER and BETTER.  Or, in this case, dumber and louder.

            After the obligatory introduction time, the film gets good.  I mean, really good.  They capture the look and feel of the Carpenter film by having the alien hunt, kill and absorb the crew.  The middle hour perfectly imitates the claustrophobic tension that I loved from the earlier versions.  Everyone is trapped in a wooden building, hunted by a mimic shapeshifter that can only be harmed by fire, and outside is a below-freezing desolate wasteland.

            Then it all goes downhill when SPACESHIP.  I'm not going to go any farther, except to say that The Thing (2011) would be a great movie if they cut the last 30 minutes off or got rid of any evidence of SPACESHIP.

            As you can expect from a horror movie where you pretty much know how it's going to end thanks to being a prequel coming out 29 years later, most everyone is only there to die.  The acting is pretty much on par with that.  Nobody puts in a particularly memorable scene, and I'd have to say the only guy I really liked in the film was Kristofer Hivju as Jonus.  Partially because he was awesome, partially because of his beard, and partially because he was the only guy who wasn't magically bilingual. 

            As far as the special effects go, it's both good and bad.  Good, because the creature's shapes are genuinely horrific and creepy.  Bad, because despite all the money they put into the CGI, it's merely as good as the old-fashioned effects from 1982, when it should have been much better.

            If you're looking to kill some time, check it out.  It will entertain you, but if you're a genuine fan of any earlier movies in the 'series' you will be disappointed.  It's no 1982 The Thing, but it's still better than other attempts at shapeshifting films like Mimic.

            Paranormal Activity3, however, falls directly into the same category of The Last Exorcism and Paranormal Activity 2:  If you stop the movie before the final scene, it is really, really fucking good.  It's that final act that jumps the shark and ruins the entire movie.

            Before I go any farther on this one, I want to point out that if you didn't like the first two, or if supernatural horrors just aren't your thing, then this isn't going to change your mind.  There's nothing special about PA3 that will make you a believer or convince you to go back and check out other films in the genre.  Also, I'm a huge fan of the genre, so expect a more positive style from me than you usually get.

            The first Paranormal Activity was a well-done, extremely cheap surprise hit.  Of course, that meant that the studio was obligated to pump out a few sequels.  The only credit I can give to the studios is that they at least tried to keep what worked, and what worked just so happened to be the type of horror I love.  You can find ghost stories in every culture, because the best thing about them is that the individual gets to fill in the blanks.  It's one thing to have Freddy or Jason fucking up a bunch of kids during a 90 minute film, but it's another thing to have your antagonist be completely unknown and unknowable.  That's why Poltergeist can still give people nightmares almost 30 years later.

            PA3 doesn't venture too far from what made the first two work, and it tries to tie together the trilogy (please dear God don't let there be any more).  It does this by going back in time and showing what happened to the sisters Katie and Kristi when they were just precocious little kids.  It's mentioned a few times in the first two, so now you get to see it all with your own eyes thanks to 80's style cinematography.

            It turns out that, conveniently, the girls' mother is dating a wedding videographer which, I guess was quite the cutting-edge job back in 1988.  We set the scene with a birthday party and show you just how happy the family is and just how much the little kids love their mom's new boyfriend. 

            We get our first hint that something may be amiss when little Kristi (Jessica Tyler Brown) develops a bond with an imaginary friend, Toby.  Toby doesn't seem to be the happy-go-lucky type of invisible friend.  In fact, Kristi can't even talk about him because then she'll be 'punished' by Toby.  Seriously, invisible friends are total douchebags these days.  The boyfriend, Dennis (Christopher N. Smith (holy shit am I getting sick of middle names)) gets suspicious after his failed attempt at a sex tape shows something odd and sets up some totally awesome 6-hour VHS recorders.  He puts one in the room he shares with his girlfriend and the other goes in the girls' room. (Insert terrible joke about the good ol' days having less mistrust, allowing a well-meaning guy to videotape two girls sleeping without being seen as a complete creep.)

            As more creepy crazy stuff goes down, Dennis quite ingeniously attaches a camcorder to the base of an oscillating fan so that it can monitor the kitchen and living room.  Then we get our mid-movie scares.  There are some really good ones ranging from the good ol' 'boo!' fake out to genuinely creepy, crazy stuff.  It may no longer be the super low budget sort of film like the first Paranormal Activity, but I still appreciate just how nice little they show and how much they leave up to the imagination.

            Then, unfortunately, demons.  I know they hinted at demons and spirits and possession in the first two films, and the ending of PA2 really indicated that some sort of possession was at play, but this one tries really, really hard to tie everything together via demons.  Also, witches.  Fuck.

            I still liked this better than the second movie, but the whole series is losing its charm.  On a sliding scale of horror sequels, I would easily put Paranormal Activity above any Nightmare On Elm Street between 4 and 8 and better than any Poltergeist sequel.  Especially the third one of those.  Yeesh.  It's still not an improvement on the series, but hopefully they've written themselves into a corner as far as the home video shtick goes.  Now the only place they have to go is the Blair Witch 2 route, and we can all hope THAT never happens.

The Big Year

              I think this movie proves to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that just because you like an actor it doesn't mean you're going to like everything they do.  Now, I'm not one of those jackwads that scream betrayal the moment an artist does something different.  It's one thing to be a fan of someone's comedy/music/writing, it's another thing to be the one doing it.  Sometimes I can't play a 40 hour video game that I actually like without getting bored and wandering off for weeks at a time.  Imagine having to do the same damn thing all day every day?  Yet another metal set?  Yet another comedy routine?  Shit, how many times can I fall over on cue before I just don't wanna get up again?

            The best thing that we, as fans, can do is hope that we like the artist's new project.  I enjoyed Adam Sandler's turn at drama in Punch Drunk Love.  I really liked when Robin Williams went creepy-dramatic in One Hour Photo.  I didn't so much like Linkin Park's descent into incomprehensible pseudo-reggae.  I know it's hit and miss. 

            Fortunately for me, I like all three lead actors in The Big Year.  Jack Black, Owen Wilson and Steve Martin are all at different stages of their careers, but they've all tried to do different things now and then, and that doesn't bother me.  Good for them.  The downside is that this time, I don't think 'different' necessarily means 'good.'

On to the review!

            First off, I just want to let you know that this movie is perfectly okay.  Absolutely, positively serviceable.  There is nothing offensive or upsetting or crazy or scary or even vaguely interesting in The Big Year.  In fact, it is a giant, mildly entertaining void that will fill 100 minutes of your life.  Hell, I'll go one step farther and claim that this is the absolute safest first date movie I have ever seen.   Especially if your significant other really likes birds!

            What, didn't you know that?  The Big Year is built entirely around birding.  That's what a big year is: when someone tries to see as many birds in North America as possible from January 1st to December 31st.

 Aaaaand, there's your plot. 

           

            Both Jack Black (Brad) and Steve Martin (Stu) have decided to do a big year, but reigning champion Owen Wilson (Kenny Bostick) is an absolutely bird-obsessed and winning-obsessed individual who just, y'know, tries to see a few hundred birds before May just to scare off any possible competition.  Just like any other well-adjusted individual.

            The difference between Brad and Stu is that Brad is a schlubby middle-aged man who hates his job and has no savings while Stu is a newly-retired corporate millionaire who wants to take a stab at the big year before he's just too old to do it.  Bostick, meanwhile, is on his third (fourth? eighth?) wife because he treats every year as a big year until he's certain nobody is trying to challenge his world record.

            There you have it.  The entire plot.  Of course, there's some betrayal, there's some goofy shit, there's some drama and comedy lots and lots of birds.  The problem is that nobody is really trying.  It's just weird to see Jack Black play a normal guy (although they do have him fall over a few times just to remind you that 'Hey look, it's that funny chubby guy that falls down!').  It was during his second or third ass-plant that I began to wonder if this is what we would have been seeing Chris Farley or John Belushi doing in their late 30's or early 40's had they calmed down and gotten off the drugs. 

            The women in this movie are just there because to be nothing but guys would be even weirder than a movie built around bird watching.  Stu's wife is supportive and misses him, Brad is just trying to get a girl and Bostick's seventeenth wife is getting fertility treatments and hoping her husband knocks it the hell off and tries to become a father.

            You can absolutely predict where everything is going.  Again, there is nothing at all dangerous in this PG film.  The only thing I really liked was Owen Wilson's character.  Though he never loses his typical Owen Wilson charm, it was actually fun to watch him play a character who is kind of a selfish douche.  Even though The Big Year makes the bad guy just a slightly flawed human being, there are a few clever uses of his character's willingness to mess with the competition just to get ahead.

            I'm really not sure how it's going to do in theaters, but I really think my tried and true 'Google test' steered me wrong this time.  My wife and I attended a prime 715 showing on a Friday night and the theater wasn't even a third full. 

            The Big Year is kind of like a few bites of a food you like but don't love.  It won't fill you up and you certainly won't hate it, but it's not going to do much for you in the long run.  I still think 50/50 is a better 'date' movie because the girl is going to cry at some point and the guy can use that opportunity to make 'the move.'

Netflix'd: R.O.T.O.R.

R.O.T.O.R.

           

            You do not need to know R.O.T.O.R. stands for.  You DO need to know that all the voices seem dubbed over, even though it's an American film.  There is nothing you can do to make this music any more 80's, cheesy and terrible.  There is also nothing you can do to make this movie less terrible.  The crazy robot cop rampage responsible for the title of this film doesn't occur until well into the second half of the film.  In fact, we paid so little attention to this film that there's a good chance I'm about to lie to you.  Neither of us should feel bad about it.

            So there's a business that makes robot cops.  Their best and brightest is a crappy 50's style hypochondriac robot made out of plastic and dryer ventilation.  Apparently that's where ROTOR (Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research) comes in.  This company is building a humanoid robot cop to clean up the streets, because the 80's were pretty horrific.  This is basically a terrible, terrible, terrible Robocop knockoff.

            All of the actors are forgettable.  So forgettable, in fact, that almost none of them have pictures on IMDB.  The entire first half of the movie is incredibly boring and crappy, before getting action-packed and boring and crappy for the second half.  This movie is worst of everything:  Shitty acting, terrible special effects, incoherent plot that doesn't kick in until everyone is already bored out of their mind.  I have nothing to say other than, fuck this movie.  It has 2 stars on IMDB, but a 51% on RottenTomatoes.  Either there are a shit load of potheads watching this movie and loving every minute, or Hollywood really is an evil bastard.

            The robot's weakness?  Car horns.  He can walk through walls and beat up rednecks all day long, but he can't take a car horn.  I have nothing to recommend this movie, as everything is hackneyed and dumb.  There are movies that are so bad they're good, or so cheesy they're goofy, even movies that are so silly you can't help but enjoy it.  This is none of those.  It's irredeemably bad.  Awful.  Terrible.  Do not watch this movie.  If have seen it, then I am sorry.  If you haven't, keep it that way.  The movie is so cheap and terrible in a bad 80's way that they DRAW a goatee on a white guy and make him pretend to be Hispanic, and somehow you just know they didn't do it for laughs, but because the filmmakers were just that stupid.

           

            This film was recommended/requested by David Hsu, and it's unanimous that we hate him.  Because of this.  Forever.

As always, our remarks are in normal font, the film is in italics.  Special thanks to Joe Cam, Sian, Kat, Jacob, and Jacob's roommate Jon for watching this with me, and Black Chad for chatting with us even though he couldn't see the film.

"This has all the writing of X-Strikes first movie, and none of the charm."  "Oh, that's gay."

"This is the kind of music made by a guy who couldn't cut it in the 80's porn music industry."

"One man, one wang, one man with a wang, on a mission to protect the world."

Sing the following in a country voice:

"Gotta take my diabeetus pills." 

"Eat some goddamn carrots."

"I wake up early and beat my wife."

Okay, now stop singing.  Please.

"Danger, danger Will Robinson, danger!"

"I wonder if that's a Hispanic robot since it's cleaning."  "That's racist."  "Jorje-5 is alive!"

"I just heard that robot say 'The Germans defecated livers, sir.'"

"I think that can of Coke paid for 90% of the special effects."

"This guy is eye-fucking me right now."

"Wait, this cowboy is the scientist?  I thought he was the taxi driver or something."

"Where's the ice cream truck?"  "Is he afraid, or turned on?"

"That hair is like a bowl cut and a mullet at once."

"C'mon baby, we're goin' to the Golden Corral."

"Oh my God, he programmed a horny asthmatic Jew as a robot cop."

"He looks like he wants to be Dancin' on the Ceiling."

"That really does look like the Brady Bunch house, holy shit."

"Holy shit that guy's beard is painted on!"

"Did he just call him monkey?  What the fuck?"  "I think he said Mokie, but that's still fucked up."

"In the 80's you could judge a woman by the size of her hair, the bigger it is the more vapid."  "Yes, and the larger her shoulder pads the more evil she is."

"Back into him at 2 miles an hour, that'll teach him."

"I'd take this film much more seriously if his leather pants didn't have back in them."  "So, you like your robot cops to wear assless chaps?" "Yes."

"It's like a chainsaw set on frappe."  "What..?"  "I think I need to set my chainsaw tomorrow to see if it's got a frappe setting."

"This movie brought to you by Coca-Cola aaaaaand shitty acting."

"It's a rainbow holographic sticker on his helmet!  He's a rainbow gay robot cop!"

"That guy looks like Danny McBride if he got buff."

"I found the angriest lesbian I could."  "I have a feeling she would rip us apart like a phone book."

"The shame is that we were too young to experience all the cocaine that went into this film."

"She has a 5 o'clock shadow."  "If those two were to have kids, she would just pop out bricks.  Actual, literal bricks."

"She's gonna bench press us, then fuck us and not cuddle afterwards."

"You don't happen to know any good Indian trackers, do you?"  "You don't happen to know any good stylists, do you, skunk-head?"

"So she's not fighting him, she's actually hitting on him."  "This is her foreplay."