Netflix'd: Stripperland

Today's 'how the hell is this on watch it now but <movie I love> still isn't?' selection is Stripperland!  A cheap, quick turnaround movie rip-off of Zombieland.  I am not exaggerating.  The first few minutes especially is a complete, utter theft down to the 'rules' of zombies (or in this case, zombie strippers) and the film intro.

            From the characters, to the plot points, to the settings, everything comes so close to intellectual theft that I am surprise no lawsuits occurred.  The Jesse Eisenberg role is poorly played by...well, you know what?  Most everyone in this movie is so 'new' (read: terrible) that they don't even have head shots on IMDB.  So...let's just use the movie names.  Idaho is Jesse Eisenberg and he's a loser but not a loveable loser.  Frisco takes the Woody Harrelson, twinkie-searching part and turns it into a lesser badass who wants nothing more than fresh baked desert.  Seriously, it's just....ugh.

            Also, just like Zombieland, they find two girls who end up tagging along.  Then, they head to Oregon because Frisco is promised a fresh baked pie.

            Yes.

            Seriously.

            On our way to the great Northwest, we are introduced to intellectual bankruptcy.  We just wander around from scene to scene and steal from all sorts of movies!  Reanimator!  Evil Dead!  Psycho! 

            Plus, random stuff!  A Baldwin playing a rapper!  I can more easily believe all the world's women have turned into stripper zombies before I believe that Daniel Baldwin is a world famous hip-hop artist.  A guy playing a gay pimp!  A crazed doctor!  None of these people have any bearing on the film other than to pad out what should have been an 80 minute film!  Ugh.

            Another huge problem with this movie and many of the films I have watched recently for this 'project' is the special effects.  Due to the ease and low cost of basic make-up and FX, lots of low budget movies take the more-is-more approach, and it suuuucks.  There is literally no reason to green screen the shit out of everything, add a bunch of terrible digital blood and graphics.  In fact, this movie takes it even further and puts a green screen in front of every single window.   Shit, when they drive it looks like three guys with laptops running past the window.  It's so, so, so terrible.  Even worse?  The movie promised us Gilbert Godfreid and we could not find hide nor hair of him.  For shame, lying movie poster! For shame!

            I just have nothing else to say about this movie.  It was a very fun party movie to make fun of, but I cannot recommend that you watch this on your own unless you are really good at making yourself laugh at unentertaining things.

            Still better than Birdemic, though.

            There was a  full house on Netflix today, so special thanks to all the 7-45 people who showed up (I...I can't count).  You guys are awesome and your contributions were freaking fantastic, especially compared to the film.

Aaaaaand, quotes are us, italics are movie.

GO!

On broken X-Boxes:

"This is the new red ring, you're stuck in a party with Pappy and Joe Cam forever."

On the rest of the film:  (Nothing remotely polite.)

"Well Joe, I hope you're cheered up now, because a dick just got eaten."

"This was filmed in the south because there's booze for sale in the grocery store."

"Music by Slipknot."  "Is it Slipknot?"  "No."  "Oh."  (Most disappointing conversation ever.)

"I guess that stripper was from one of those Fat n' Sassy strip clubs."

"I am NOT Woody Harrelson."  "If he's looking for a Twinkie, I'm fucking stabbing this movie."

"Yes, that was CGI cookie smoke."

"Steal ALL the plot devices!"

"I still haven't seen Zombieland."  "Well, it's just like this movie only not shitty."

"Wow, my microphone really picks up sighs of sadness very very loudly."

"Who the fuck keeps their pants on when the jack off in their own room?"

"We didn't do enough of the dance to have to pay Michael Jackson's estate, but just enough for the audience to know what we were doing."

"God this is a huge chainsaw."  "Your mom is a huge chainsaw."  "Damnit you beat me to it."

"His whole life was a fucking commercial for Pilsbury."

"I know we're not supposed to ignore the movie, but I'm really glad we're ignoring the movie."

"She looks like  a super lesbiany old Carrie Fisher."

"This man said Grandpappy.   He is the best person in the movie."

"Actually, that last one wasn't a stripper, it was just a tranny looking for a smoke."

"Hey, smelling like pinching tobacco, they're talking about you!"  "I quit smoking years ago.  Now I just smell like feces and desperation."

"Finally, boobs in a movie about strippers."  "And they are not good."  "No, they are not."

"No the stripper only speaks Spanish!"

"Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine."

"So, this guy decides they have to go after downing a bottle of liquor?"  "Who is going to pull him over?"  "Zombie strippers dressed as cops!  Duhhh!"

"You've got raspberry jam on your windshield."

"Hey guys, check out my laptop's screensaver.  Let's put this in the movie."

"Fuckadoodle Dandy."

"The gay man just called him a turd burglar."

"Hey look, an ass that doesn't have shit on it.  She must be new."

"Okay, is that an old woman or just....a dude?"

"Would you like to eat grandma's dusty muffins?"

Yeah, we're gonna leave it at that.