Welcome to what may possibly be the last or one of the last Netflix'd parties we throw around these here parts. Unfortunately, it looks like Netflix isn't done being full of shit...err...hubris. Their new XBox update does not currently support parties.
Until then, we will celebrate the Holidays with terrible, terrible holiday films.
You down? Good.
Today's treat is brought to you by Bill Goldberg, 'famed' Jewish wrestler, playing a homicidal Santa in....Santa's Slay!
The movie starts off pretty well. A bunch of B-listers and James Caan are having a family dinner, Santa comes in and kills them and then we roll 5 minutes worth of credits. Not bad for a 77 minute movie.
The plot is pretty simple, really. A thousand years ago, an old man tricked Santa Claus into having to give up his annual night of terror for one millennia. That was 1000 years ago TODAY.
See? Told you it was a simple plot. Santa Claus is actually evil, and he would go around murdering people on Christmas until he lost a bet and was forced to be nice for ten centuries. Now that the time is up, he's having a blast with his angry pet buffalo (bull?). Not only can his bull (buffallo?) fly, but it also has a shiny red nose and eats people.
The rest of the film is pretty much Santa going around killing everyone in amusing and inventive ways. I really have to emphasize the word 'amusing.' Too often, cheap horror movies either try so hard for laughs that they fall flat on their face and fail to be funny or creepy, and most of the rest try too hard to be scary, not realizing that their approach or lack of a budget makes it impossible.
Santan's Slay doesn't have that problem. The film is professional quality, whoever manned the camera actually knew what they were doing, and the effects are just good enough to not detract. It doesn't go for over-the-top gore either, which is a nice change of pace from recent Netflix'd entries.
Here's the lesson we've learned today: Canada makes better cheap, entertaining, schlocky horror movies than America does.
So if you're in the market for a very fun, relatively short holiday horror film to watch and you can't find your copy of Jack Frost (the one that doesn't star Michael Keaton), grab a warm, spiked apple cider, invite over a few friends and enjoy Santa's Slay.
Yes, I'm actually recommending a Netflix'd movie. It really is a Christmas miracle.
It was a good turnout today. Super-special thanks to Sian, Lauren, Jon, Joe Cam, Jesus, and Jacob for joining me. As always, the movie is in italics and/or italic quotes. We are obnoxious and in quotes only. Yes, there are a lot of sexual and filthy comments. No, the guys didn't make them all. We're all equal-opportunity perverts around here.
Fran Drescher is the first thing you see: "I was like 'Oh man look at those tits.' and then I was like 'Oh God that voice."
"If that turkey had breasts like Fran Drescher it'd probably be a pretty awesome dinner."
"Chris Kattan is more believable as a Girl Scout than as a martial artist."
"I wasn't aware that Santa Claus was in Norse Mythology."
"Tell that guy to put some Christmas decorations up." "I'm Jewish, you bitch."
"My brain refused to acknowledge the buffalo." "No, the buffalo refused to acknowledge your brain."
"I like the women who can give good road head while driving. It's a skill."
Non-sequitur: "I've got Paula Deen in my vagina, full of butter." "Don't feed it after midnight."
Crazy old man comes on scene. "Hey, isn't he in Twilight?" "We wouldn't know."
"Hey grandpa, where's the Delorean?"
"Why was this not given a theater release?"
"I'm trying to absorb this movie's subtle fart humor. Shut up."
"We already learned that the Thanksgiving turkey is a homicidal murderer, and now Santa is too, what about the Easter Bunny?" "He spends the other 364 days of the year beating the shit out of people." "So the Easter Bunny is Russell Crowe?" "I always thought he was the Tooth Fairy."
"Wow grandpa, I always thought you were illiterate, now it turns out you're dumb."
"Grandpa, are you high?"
"As crazy as it sounds, it's still way more plausible than Christianity."
"Is this where I can find the porn dungeon?"
"Aww, my buffalo's mean to me."
"Looks like Santa is ho-ho-horny."
Santa pauses to Windex a stripper pole before using it. "Hey, he's a sanitary Santa."
"Just like a typical male. 'I don't get no action, I'm gonna burn this place down.'"
"Man this GONAD is a dick."
"I thought you people didn't believe in him!" "What do you mean, 'you people?'"
"Merry Christmas to all and to aaahhhhshit!"
"Who skeet shoots on Christmas?" (In perfect stereotype Minnesota accent) "Yeah, y'know, we go out on Christmas time and we go shootin' with our guns."
"What're we gonna do now?" "This is where you start suckin' my dick."
"Well, there's a whole chemistry lab that could be used as a weapon. Nope, not a thing." "They didn't pay attention in school." "No weapons in sight."
"Who's your daddy?" "..and what does he do?"
"Give him a blowjob, maybe he'll become a man."
"Well he's already got an E-Z-Bake oven. She just needs to take off her pants."
"No one makes me bleed my own blood."
"Isn't an angel calling you a Sally like anyone else calling you a giant vagina?"
Let's cross our fingers that next week will still work. There's still a shot of Netflix parties working come next week as the Netflix client still SHOWS parties, but nobody knows if they are fully SUPPORTED.
ReplyDeleteThe drawbacks of a beta test, I guess.
Give it a week or two and we'll see!