Pacific Rim

            It's going to be difficult writing this review without sounding like I'm gushing.  But whatever, screw it.  It's about time I loved a summer popcorn flick that didn't have the Marvel name attached to it.

            On to the review!

            This weekend I found a very excellent reason to not see GrownUps 2.  That reason is that I don't hate myself.  Instead, I went to check out Pacific Rim for 3 reasons.  First off, I'm a big fan of Guillermo del Toro.  Hellboy and Pan's Labyrinth were both great movies (for totally different reasons).  Secondly, it looked like an action movie that was actually fun.  Thirdly, giant freaking robots. 

            I love giant robots.  Which is weird, because I'm really picky about which anime I watch that involves giant robots.  Both Gundam Wing and Evangelion bored me to death and Rahxephon never kept me interested enough to actually finish it.  But stuff like Tekken Toppa Gurren Lagann and even the recent Suisei no Gargantia entertained me to no end.  (Fun fact, Gurren Lagann is both my 3rd favorite anime of all time and the cause of the biggest fight I've ever had with a loved one in my life.)

            Aaaaaanyways, Pacific Rim has giant robots beating up aliens, and it was directed by Guillermo del Toro, and it's an action flick.  I wanted to be there on opening day, and I was.

            The movie starts off with a run-down of what happened to get the planet to its current state.  It starts in 2020 and picks up several years later.  Fortunately, even the prologue is action-packed enough to keep just about anyone interested even while cramming information down the audience's throats.  We need to find out what's up with the aliens (Kaiju) and get some clues as to where they came from.  This spins us up on why the robots (Jaegers) were built.  It also gives us some clues as to the main character's mindsets and attitudes.

            Interestingly, there's a lot going on for a simple action flick.  There's the main character's quest for control and redemption.  There's also the grizzled old warrior, a hotshot kid, a mysterious lady, the experienced soldier, and even two scientists looking for answers.  Yet somehow Pacific Rim merges all these characters and storylines together into a cohesive unit and an entertaining story.  Yes, it is totally a summer blockbuster bubblegum flick, but it's one with half a brain.

            At 131 minutes, it could have been just as dreary and boring as The Lone Ranger, but del Toro did what Gore Verbinski could not: he paced everything out properly.  There are no 20 minute dialogs.  There are no yawn-inducing moments or shitty characters.  Basically, there is no wasted space.

            While I could easily go on about every character in the film and how entertaining they all were in their own right, I just want to briefly mention a few of them.  Charlie Hunnam was fine as Raleigh Becket, our main character and voiceover guy.  Yes, he was wooden.  I can't deny that.  But he almost seemed like a cipher placed there to keep the story moving.  But yes, he was genuinely overshadowed both in acting and story.  Idris Elba (as Stacker Pentacost) was the perfectly cast, perfectly played old commander, and Rinko Kikuchi was just fantastic as Mako Mori, the mysterious girl with a hidden past. 

            While I enjoyed everyone else, I really have to say that Charlie Day was the heart of this film.  As Dr. Newton, he tries to figure out why the Kaiju are attacking, while everyone else focuses on how to destroy the threat.  During his travels within the film, he ends up delivering a large chunk of the humor as well as a few memorable lines.  I gotta hand it to the guy, he's definitely becoming a singular reason to check out a film.

            So, before I spoil any of the plot, let me just say that I enjoyed Pacific Rim very, very much.  It is now the very first film of 2013 that I intend to purchase when it comes to video.  It is also the first summer film of the year that I highly recommend seeing in theaters, because the special effects are way too great to see them for the first time on a tiny TV set.

            This is no Independence Day.  Pacific Rim purposefully avoids nationality and becomes a "Humanity, fuck yeah!" celebration.

            Also, apparently you should stay for the credits.  I didn't, but then I heard that you should.  Guess I'll just have to go see it again.

The Master

             I viewed The Master on Saturday in an effort to have a nice 'movie-swap' last week; the new film review went up on Wednesday so why not put up an 'older' film on Sunday?  Because Paul Thomas Anderson makes things difficult, that's why.  I absolutely adore his films.  I really do.  There Will Be Blood, Punch Drunk Love and Boogie Nights are some of my favorite films.  But holy shit can this man create an unreviewable film.

            On to the (un)review(able)!

            So, it is 1950, WWII is pretty much over, and Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) is having a hell of a time fitting in.  He’s got anger issues, some serious PTSD and one hell of a drinking problem.  He can’t keep a job, he can’t keep his hand out of his pants, and all he is actually good at is making drinkable alcohol out of things that should not be turned into alcohol.

            One day he sneaks onto a small ship looking for work, the next morning he wakes up and discovers that he’s piqued the interest of the ship’s ‘captain’, Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman).  Lancaster, you see, is an all-around genius.  Ph. D., M.D., nuclear physicist, writer, thinker, poet, philosopher.  He’s kind of a big deal.

            Oh, did I forget to mention he’s also the leader of a new ‘religion’ ‘cult’ ‘group of self-discovery’?  Because he is.  He also has a wonderful family that fully believes in him as well as followers throughout the United States and beyond.  They really, truly believe in what he has to say.

            Aaaaaand…that’s it.  Freddie really likes Lancaster and honestly believes in him, and he truly believes that he can become a better person by following the ‘Master.’  But all of this is interspersed with, well, everything else.  Even though the story is fairly linear, it more-or-less only follows Freddie, so we’re constantly jumping from one location to the next, often missing days or weeks during which we have no idea what happened aside from what the characters allude to. 

            The Master isn’t a bad movie.  Far from it, it was one of the most painfully earnest films I’ve ever seen.  Amy Adams, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix all deliver amazing performances, and even the ‘smaller’ parts are perfectly played by their actors.  It’s just that this is an incredibly open movie, and that makes it difficult to digest.  There isn’t so much an ending as an end, just as there’s no set climax or even a real beginning.  It’s as if someone simply filmed a year in the life of Freddie, edited it half-assedly and called it a film.

            While I thoroughly enjoyed The Master (although the first 30 minutes or so are really difficult to stomach due to just how bleak they make Freddie’s life out to be), it’s not a movie I would recommend to anyone who wasn’t interested in ‘challenging’ movies or art house fare.

The Lone Ranger

            Hey, Disney!  You know, you do a lot of good stuff.  You really do.  I like a lot of the films that you help to get onto the silver screen.  But it just doesn't look like you're cut out for summer blockbusters.  Maybe you should take a year off and really concentrate on getting the next Star Wars film done properly.  Because this is your second year in a row with a potential flop on your hands.  At least JohnCarter was a decent film, you guys just didn't know how to advertise it properly.  But The Lone Ranger?  Yeah, you really screwed the pooch on this one.

            On to the review!

            The nicest thing I can say about The Lone Ranger is that it never runs out of ideas.  Too bad most of those ideas are terrible.  Clocking in at 149 minutes, it's about 60 minutes too long and half as clever as it thinks it is.

            For the updated Lone Ranger mythos, lawyer John Reid (Armie Hammer) joins his brother Dan (James Badge Dale) on a manhunt to recapture wicked criminal and possible cannibal Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner).  Things go poorly, some mystical stuff happens and he ends up as a masked outlaw/hero, accompanied by the mysterious Tonto (Johnny Depp), a Native American who also wants to see Butch brought to justice.

            Oh yeah, and before all that happens, there's a lot of stuff on a train.  Not to be confused with the later part of the film where there's a lot of stuff on a train.  There are also several shoot-outs, some genuinely clever action sequences, bits of humor scattered throughout and a supporting cast that, on paper, should add depth and entertainment to the movie.

            Sadly enough, the only thing all this stuff added was bloat.  The Lone Ranger tries so hard to be the first film in a franchise that it absolutely stuffs every single idea into itself.  Who is his love interest?  What's Tonto's background?  Why did John become the Lone Ranger?  What does he stand for?  Why the mask?  Who farted?

            Yes, there are a few funny scenes and stabs at running jokes (the mask becomes a conversation point one too many times).  But if your best actor ends up being a horse, you've done something wrong.

            Just half a page in and I'm already sick of talking about it.  I saw the movie an hour ago and it's already begun to slip from my mind.  Gore Verbinski needs to calm the hell down.  Rango was awesome!  Why'd you remake it into a shitty wannabe-comedy-western?

            Though the Johnny Depp drawing power will most likely skyrocket The Lone Ranger to the top of the charts this weekend, you would be better entertained by hunting down My Name Is Nobody on Netflix.  Now THAT is a fun, funny, entertaining western.  It's also under 2 hours long.

White House Down

            I'm getting really sick of your shit, Roland Emmerich.  Your characters, your plots, even your scripts are so formulaic.  Plus, who would have thought that you could come up with something even more ridiculous than 2012?  What really pisses me off the most is how much fun White HouseDown turned out to be.

            On to the review!

            If you didn't know, White House Down is this year's second film about the president being in mortal danger thanks to terrorists.  After having to see Olympus Has Fallen I had little hopes that this would be any better.  Looks like I'm eating crow tonight.

            White House Down stars Channing Tatum as Cale, an ex-military man who desperately wants to work for the Secret Service; not only as a career jump but as a way to impress his daughter Emily (Joey King).  Unfortunately his interview doesn't go so well and the lady in charge, Finnerty (Maggie Gyllenhaal) lets him know that there's absolutely no way they can trust him to protect President Sawyer (Jamie Foxx).

            Even worse, while Cale and Emily are touring the White House, terrorists decide it would be a great time to start some shit.  Eventually, it's just Cale and the President.  Cale is torn between the need to save his daughter and the other hostages while also knowing that he has to get the President to safety.

            Now, I really have to give some respect to the trailers that I've seen as they actually don't spoil the plot.  There are a ton of awesome actors in this film like James Woods, Jason Clarke, Lance Reddick and Richard Jenkins but I'm not going to say shit about what side any of them are on. 

            As for the actors, I have to give credit where credit is due.  Jamie Foxx is genuinely entertaining as the President, and his soft-spoken style benefits the film.  He's pretty much the only person who isn't yelling, and that's a nice thing.  While I still feel that Channing Tatum is at his best in comedic action roles (21 Jump Street) he actually does a great job here.  While he does occasionally fall back into super-serious mode, his character is just wisecrack-y enough to stay on the right side of entertaining.  There are a few genuinely funny moments in White House Down and that right there is why I liked it.  Olympus Has Fallen was terrible partially because it took itself too seriously.  There's none of that here.

            If you're going to watch one movie this year that involves the White House and explosions, I highly recommend this one.  I mean, it's no Die Hard, but it actually comes closer than any film in years of straddling action, entertainment and humor.

Netflix'd: In A Glass Cage

            Well, it’s certainly been a while since I’ve been so bothered by a film that I had to pause for breaks at regular intervals.  Fortunately In A Glass Cage was there to rectify this situation.

            On to the review!

            In A Glass Cage is a Spanish film about…well, it’s about suffering, really.  Years after WWII, Dr. Klaus (Gunter Meisner)  is in hiding from his Nazi past.  Himself, his wife Griselda (Marisa Paredes) and his daughter Rena (Gisele Echevarria) live a very isolated life within a Spanish villa.  Their only visitor is the maid and she only comes three times a week.

            Well, Klaus, for whatever reason, decides to step off the roof of his villa in an apparent suicide attempt.  This doesn’t go so well because he’s still alive.  But now he's paralyzed and stuck inside an iron lung.  Griselda was already miserable before this so now she insists that a nurse be hired to take care of Klaus so that she can concentrate on raising Rena. 

            Enter Angelo (David Sust): a young, handsome local boy who manages to convince Klaus that it would be in his best interest to hire the boy on.  While Griselda does not agree, Rena seems to like having someone in the house closer to her age and Klaus is insistent.  Unfortunately Angelo is kind of the opposite of a nurse.  You see, he wants to be just like Klaus.  Klaus, the pedophile Nazi who raped, tortured and murdered children.

            Yeah, see why this movie made me uncomfortable?  It is a 108 minute festival of discomfort.  It never outright terrifies like a slasher flick or a ‘true’ horror film does.  What it accomplishes is a slow burn of discomfort.  The kind where you find yourself shifting in your seat, wondering if there’s something that needs done in the kitchen just so you can get away.  It may not be A Serbian Film but I definitely put In A Glass Cage up there with Happiness in terms of subject matter and general depressive atmosphere. 

            So check it out if you want to see a challenging film.  I mean, any movie in which the pedophile Nazi becomes the sympathetic character is a terribly disturbing one.

World War Z (in 2D)

            Let's get this out of the way:  I am a huge fan of zombies.  I love zombie movies, games and books.  However, I like to think of myself as a discerning fan.  Sure, I'll play/watch/read damn near anything with the undead in it, but I have standards damn it.  I only want the best of the best of the undead menace.

            So when I heard that World War Z was being made into a film I got pretty excited.  I fully believe that this book was responsible for helping kick-start the latest zombie craze.  Despite being one of the first 21st century zombie books, it's still one of the best.  The audio-book version is simply the best audio-book ever recorded thanks to amazing talents such as Mark Hammil, Nathan Fillion, Carl Reiner, Simon Pegg, Alan Alda, Martin Scorsese, Henry Rollins, Kal Penn, John Turturro, a million other fantastic individuals and Max Brooks himself all lending the perfect voice to their proscribed characters.

            It was, then, with very high hopes that I eagerly awaited the film version of World War Z in which Brad Pitt himself was going to make sure it happened.  But oh, how was a book of short stories that happened to overlap and tell the tale of mankind's struggle against the undead going to work on the silver screen?  Easy!  By dumping the entire concept, writing a completely new character and just keeping the name of the book!  Shit.

            On to the review!

            Like I said, I'm a fan of zombies.  28 Days Later, Fido, Sean of the Dead and Dawn of the Dead all take a look at the sociological, psychological and physical reactions of mankind when faced with nigh-unkillable, slavering versions of ourselves.  But at their heart, all of these films focus on individuals simply seeking ways to stay alive (or in Fido's case, live together in harmony).  World War Z attempts to give us a super-hero in Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) and make him the savior of mankind. 

            Strangely enough, the first half hour of the film is just freaking amazing.  As the outbreak begins to spread, Gerry and his family are just living a normal life.  With his wife Karin (Mireille Enos) and two daughters Constance (Sterling Jerins) and Rachel (Abigail Hargrove), they're perfectly ordinary individuals who happened to be stuck in Philadelphia traffic when the zombie menace breaks out.  This first portion of the film focuses solely on how Gerry tries to protect his family. Getting medicine, finding somewhere safe to hide, figuring out who to trust.  This is the stuff that matters and its small-scale is perfectly suited to the actors and the story. 

            Unfortunately for us, things take a turn once Gerry and family are rescued by his friend Thierry Umutoni (Fana Mokoena) who just happens to have a lot of pull and gets Gerry's entire family safely bunked on a U.S. warship.  Oh, did I forget to mention that Gerry is a retired World Health Organization official who was the 'best of the best' despite us never really knowing what the hell he did for the W.H.O.?

            In order for Gerry's wife and kids to stay on the ship, he has to help figure out the location of the outbreak as well as help to find a cure.  With that, he is sent off with a small squad of military specialists and a brilliant doctor.  Their job?  Save the world!

            Of course shit goes down and people start to die left-and-right, but for some reason Gerry gets to just stand there like a smug douche and be nigh-untouchable, even in the most dire situations.

            Look, the locations are amazing, the special effects are not quite as shitty as they appeared to be in the trailers, and the acting from everyone who is not Brad Pitt is actually quite good.  They even tried to throw in a few facts from the books to placate those of us who actually wanted an adaptation of the novel.  What they didn't bother with, however, was making the movie any fun.  Brad Pitt stone faces his way through the entire movie, and the ending is never in any doubt.  It's not a zombie movie.  It's an action-packed outbreak movie (like Outbreak!) that focuses on a team of super-special individuals trying to save the world from a deadly, tiny menace.

            I was surprised by the beginning and really got into it, and then the rest of the film fell flat, got stupid, and hurt my feelings.  Sadly enough I may be in the minority as the theater was absolutely packed at the noon showing I attended. People actually gave it a standing ovation while the end credits rolled!  So give it a try.  Maybe you'll like it.  I, however, would rather watch 28 Days Later again.  At least the zombies in that movie didn't create fleshy tidal waves.

V/H/S/2

            Bad news, horror fans.  V/H/S/2 shouldn’t have happened and that makes me very sad.  I was a huge fan of V/H/S and  its use of the hand-held camera medium.  Though weak at points, I still felt that out of the 5, 2 were amazing, one was good, one was meh and one was really unnecessary.  This time?  Only four shorts and a slightly longer overarching narrative.  I don’t know what they did, but they ended up with one good, one decent, one meh and one really not-that-good.

            As my friend said after it was over “if someone spliced the two movies, they could make one really good horror anthology."

            On to the review!

            V/H/S/2 starts us off with the overarching story, “Tape 49” in which a private investigator and his assistant have been hired to find a woman’s missing college-aged son.  They get into the kid's place and find nothing but a bunch of old VHS tapes.  As the private dick searches the small apartment (which apparently takes 90 minutes of walking around the same two rooms repeatedly) he has his assistant check out the tapes for anything that might provide a clue.

            This is similar to the first V/H/S where some kids broke into a house to rob it and one of them started watching tapes to see if there was anything valuable.  In both cases, this is how we get into the meat of the movie.  In V/H/S/2 the first short is “Phase 1 Clinical Trials” in which a guy gets a cyber-eye.  In return for his new eye, the company says they will be recording and monitoring everything as part of a clinical trial.

            The guy gets home and finds out that his eye can see a bit more than a regular eye can.  Halfway through we’re introduced to a girl who had gotten implants into her ears because she was born deaf, and she can hear things that normal ears can’t hear.  It’s an interesting premise, and “Phase 1 Clinical Trials” is my favorite short of the group.  Unfortunately, and I know it’s rare to hear this about a short film, but it was actually too short.  Just three to five more minutes of fleshing out the characters would have gone a long way.

            Our second short is “A Ride in the Park” and is an interesting concept that I just don’t think was pulled off.  It’s pretty much a zombie story with a twist.  The helmet cam provides most of the film, so you get some neat shots from the zombie’s point of view.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite do much.  It could have been 10 minutes shorter or 5 minutes longer and made absolutely no difference.

            “Safe Haven” is the boldest short film in V/H/S/2 but it suffers from some narrative dissonance.  Due to the way it’s filmed, you really don’t care about any of the people and the filmmaker’s attempts at adding depth to a side plot does nothing but add unnecessary angst.  It does have the best special effects by far, but it could have used additional editing.  Maybe cut a bit out of “Safe Haven” so we could have fleshed out “Phase 1 Clinical Trials”?

            Finally, there’s “Slumber Party Alien Abduction” whose title leaves nothing to the imagination.  The only thing I can say about this is that this short made the most controversial decision when it comes to killing off a character.  Oh, wait, no.  I can say something else about it.  It’s really freaking terrible.  If the alien-oriented short film in the first V/H/S was bad (“The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger”), this one was worse.  At least the “…Emily…” episode had some decent frights and just ended poorly.  “Slumber Party Alien Abduction” starts off small and ends worse.

            Did V/H/S/2 justify its existence?  Sadly, I don’t believe it did.  Even worse, by releasing it on video on-demand, I believe they’re shooting themselves in the foot if they were hoping for any sort of theater release.  Everyone who really wanted to see it (people like me) will happily pay $5 to rent it rather than $11 to see it in theaters.  Add in the film’s damning mediocrity, and I think it should skip theaters altogether.

This is the End

I am convinced that if you hire Danny McBride to be in your film, you are contractually obligated to have at least one giant dick somewhere in the movie.

            On to the review!

            The only other movie that I've been looking forward to more than This is the End this summer is TheWorld's End.  Interestingly enough they're both about apocalyptic scenarios.  This is the End is just on a slightly larger scale.

            As you all know from the previews, it's about the rapture, with the good getting sucked up to heaven in a blue light while the sinners are stuck on earth.  Unsurprisingly those sinners include almost all of the Hollywood elite. 

            We begin with Seth Rogen picking up his friend Jay Baruchel from the airport.  Immediately we know this is no regular comedy since everyone uses their real name.  This, my friends, is meta-humor.  Actors playing themselves in a fictional scenario.  Mindblowing.

            After an afternoon of chilling out, Seth talks Jay into going to James Franco's house-warming party.  Despite Jay's protests, they head over to hang out with other famous Hollywood actors.  There are a ton of cameos from Aziz Anzari, Mindy Kaling, Rhianna, Paul Rudd, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Kevin Hart and more.  However, Michael Cera steals the spotlight early as the douchebaggiest version of an actor you could ever hope for. 

            However, Jay doesn't really dig the party atmosphere, so he asks Seth to go with him to buy a pop from the local grocery store.  That's when things get weird.  People start disappearing in beams of blue light while everyone else is thrown into chaos.  By the time the initial 'Ragnarok' event is over, the only people left are Jay, Seth, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson and Danny McBride.  Everyone else is fled or dead.

            Then shit gets really weird.  These six are left to fend for themselves as they try to figure out what's going on, trying to survive with just a little bit of food, some water, lots of alcohol and too many drugs. 

            Fortunately for us, all these guys are good actors and great comedians.  There's rarely a minute that doesn't go by without something hilarious happening on-screen.  You can tell everyone's comfortable with everyone else because the flow is downright amazing. 

            Honestly, I don't want to say anything else about This is the End other than you should watch it!  It is definitely the year's best R-rated comedy.  I liked it even better than the original The Hangover.  Yup.  That's it.  Short review.  Go see the movie.

The Purge

             Never before had I encountered a movie so intent on reminding you of its title, overarching plot, and 'amazing ideas.'  Too bad none of it worked very well.

             Before I get into the meat of today's movie, however, I want to mention two things I'm actually enjoying in theaters before the movie starts.  This clever commercial, and this fantastic trailer.

            On to the review!

            Since I just couldn't bring myself to see The Internship a.k.a. The Wedding Crashers Part 2, I hit up The Purge, a movie I've been curious about for a few months.  The idea is sound, I'll give it that much.  Some day in the future, America gives in to its basest instincts and legalizes all forms of violence for 12 hours a year.  This keeps down crime the rest of the year, 'weeds out' the unwanted and keeps unemployment at under 1%.  Of course, the haves now have it even better than the have-nots, as they can hide behind security measures while the homeless and the poor are the ones most likely to be beaten, raped and murdered. 

            It also doesn't help that many of the rich purposely go outside in packs, heavily armed and armored, to 'purge' their baser instincts.  The Purge is basically the wet dream of a sociopath who goes to sleep reading Ayn Rand every night.  Which is fine, because it's trying to make a statement.  A statement that would have been perfect if this were 1970.  Unfortunately, between its being so incredibly heavy-handed and so boringly predictable, The Purge is going to be one of the most easily forgotten films of 2013.

            We begin with James Sandin (Ethan Hawke) coming home from a successful day where he found out that his team sold the most security systems leading up to the night of the Purge (they will say 'the purge' roughly 10452389 times in this 85 minute movie).  Very proud of himself, he is in a good mood as he has dinner with his wife Mary (Lena Hadey) and his children Charlie (Max Burkholder) and Zoey (Adelaide Kane).  It is in this good mood that they prepare for lockdown and wait out the next 12 hours of their life.

            Things almost immediately take a turn for the worse as Charlie lets in a desperate homeless man who is running for his life.  At the same time, we find out that Zoey's 18 year old boyfriend Henry (Tony Oller) had snuck in just before lockdown because he wants to prove to her father that he really loves his daughter. 

            So we have a hormonal teenager and an unwanted stranger wandering around this ridiculous mansion during a time where there are no laws.  Of course, that's not bad enough, so a pack of rich-kid hunters in masks show up and demand that the Sandins turn over the homeless man or they will all be killed. 

            Still sounds pretty cool on paper, huh?  The problem is, it's all very dead and dull.  Despite being so incredibly short, the first 45 minutes are dedicated to damn near nothing.  When we do get to the action, it's very stuttering.  This in itself would still be okay if the non-action setpieces weren't so amazingly boring.  None of the characters really pop out as interesting in any way, and again, it's a very predictable movie.  Even the twists make so much sense the only words you'll utter will be 'well, duh.' 

            Admittedly, there is one scene that was actually fascinating, as it explored just how far James was willing to go to protect his family.  Will he go against his principles to make sure his wife and children survive? 

            Feel free to do what I did and purge The Purge from your memory.  If you've seen it, I'm sorry.  If you haven't, well, give it a rent.  If you're still dying to see a movie about psychotic strangers making innocent people's lives hell, go watch Funny Games.  Hell, even The Strangers is a better film.

            

Reality TV (Sort of)

            I have become obsessed with reality television.  Now before you pick up your large rocks and prepare to hurl them in my general direction, hear me out.  You see, I am not just obsessed with every show that is supposedly unscripted.  No, that would just be stupid.  I am obsessed with reality cooking shows. 

            Be they competitions or one of the roughly 8324 Gordon Ramsey vehicles currently on the air, I cannot get enough of watching real people with huge egos fuck up constantly.

            Between Hell's Kitchen, Master Chef, Chopped and The Taste, I devoured roughly 10 seasons of these reality TV in the last 30 days.  Seriously, I forgot what the outside looked like for an entire weekend at one point.  Throw in Hotel Hell, Kitchen Nightmares, and ManVs. Food  and I may never want to go outside again.

            But why???

            I honestly have no idea.  I believe that part of it is the aforementioned egos, most especially in the competition shows.  I fucking hate big egos.  But how do you judge if someone on Survivor should go or not?  Certainly it's not talent.  You don't have to be talented to be on that show, you just have to try not to be an idiot.  On cooking competitions, people who have legitimate talent within their field have been chosen to compete.  That's what separates these cooking competitions apart: they have at least a decent amount of demonstrable talent.  (This is probably why I also enjoy watching the ScyFy show Face/Off.)

            In all these cooking competitions, we start off with 12+ aspiring chefs who have to make it through the preliminaries based on their talents alone (ok, we all know that's bullshit, producers also like people who will help garner ratings. But still, they have some talent).  Then they're thrown together and encouraged to talk shit and talk themselves up.  You can tell some of them aren't very fond of it while others can't get enough of themselves.  Oh, those are the ones that I love to see fail.  I gain such an immense amount of schadenfreude from their failures.  The larger the mouth, the happier I am to see them go.

            But it's not just that.  It's because of the cooking.  Cooking is something anyone can do decently with some practice.  I've honestly never met someone who just could not cook.  I truly believe those people do not exist.  Cooking, to me, is like driving.  Anyone can do it, not everyone can do it well.  That's the other thing that sets these shows apart.  For Face/Off you need some serious talent to hone.  The same goes for singing competitions; not everyone can sing.  With the cooking competitions, I'm suddenly watching a show that I could be a part of if I was motivated.

            The same goes for the reality entertainment shows like Kitchen Nightmares.  Here are people doing something I could legitimately see myself or a friend doing.  Not that I want to own a kitchen, but it's something that could be learned through work and schooling.  I can't just magically become a teen mom or a Jersey douchebag.  I can't magically become a sports super-star.  But I could totally be a floundering businessman with a failing dream and a lack of motivation.

            There it is.  That's why getting Hulu is possibly one of the worst things I've ever done from a work ethic standpoint.  I still haven't mounted my TV on the wall because I'm too busy watching episode after episode, season after season of people who I could actually aspire to be running around a kitchen and getting yelled at by their betters.

            Also, that's why there's no movie review today.  

After Earth

            Thanks to this song I can no longer say 'Earth.'  It's always 'Erf.'  Well, this part of Independence Day doesn't help either.  Fortunately you get to hear Will Smith say 'Earth' again.  Unfortunately(?) it's fully enunciated.

            On to the review!

            After Earth is, at its heart, a father/son movie.  For that, I cannot give it enough credit.  They could have easily turned this film into some sort of galaxy-spanning epic but to their credit, the filmmakers did not.

            The movie takes place in a future where humanity had to flee Earth after polluting it to the point that it was uninhabitable. A thousand years later, a new threat has arisen: aliens. Not just any aliens, either. Alien warriors that, while blind, are specially bred to smell the pheromones released by mankind when they feel fear.

            Enter the savior of mankind, Cypher Raige (Will Smith), a man who has learned to feel no fear, thus becoming invisible to the alien Ursa.  In order to make things a bit more corny, this ability is called 'Ghosting.'

            Now, General Cypher has a bit of a problem.  You see, his son Kitai (Jaden Smith) is trying very hard to follow in his father's footsteps, but he has a glaring disability in the form of being capable of actual emotion.  Even though he is still a teenager, he expects more from himself and believes his father does as well.  Just think of Cypher as the High Expectations Asian Father meme (with less racism) and you've got the right idea.

            So what is a father to do when his son wants to follow in his footsteps?  That's right!  Field trip!  In this case, Cypher takes Kitai with him on a training mission, where fellow Rangers will receive the benefits of his boundless wisdom.  At least in theory, because something goes wrong and they all crash land on--wait for it--Earth!
            Even worse, the father and son duo are the only survivors, they have limited food and water, Cypher is hurt, and the rescue beacon is 1000 kilometers away.

            That's just the first 30 minutes.  It's a very busy movie.

            The rest of the film is devoted to Kitai's trek across a verdant world that does not want humanity there.  He must fight off all manner of monsters and face dozens of fears in order to get to the beacon and save both his life and his father's.  Also, he falls down a lot.  No, seriously.  There may be close to a half-dozen instances of Jaden Smith laying on his back or side after being hurt/surprised/etc.  That was weird.

            So what about everything else?  Well, the film is gorgeous, there's no getting around that.  For such a CGI-heavy film, I wasn't really bothered by any sense of fakeness.  The futuristic technology is cool for the most part, but I didn't really get the hippie-vibe from all the man-made structures. 

            Jaden Smith continues to surprise me with his acting abilities, while Will seems to be coasting more and more on former fame.  What you have is a mindless summer film that doesn't really impress in any way unless you have zero expectations; then you're marginally impressed.  It is the ultimate inoffensive summer movie that you can probably take kids of any age to see as long as they are not frightened by CGI violence.

            Wait, there is one more thing.  The accents.  They were absolute bullshit.  They sounded like some sort of strange, country-boy-meets-British-nobleman thing.  It's like the director told all of his actors to talk like they moved from Alabama to Ireland, lived there for 10 years and then tried to become nobility.  What kind of idiot would fuck with accents that play no part in a film other than to cause a distraction?

            Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

            Oh.

Now You See Me

            Now You See Me was on my radar for several months.  I like magic because I like being entertained.  Burt Wonderstone didn't do much for me because it was kind of a mess, albeit a harmless one.  So I have not been truly mesmerized by a 'magic movie' since The Prestige.  I was hoping this weekend would shake that up a bit, but alas I still have not been mesmerized by a magic movie since The Prestige.

           

            On to the review!

            The problem with Now You See Me is not in its plot or actors.  Both aspects may be a bit underwhelming but there's nothing offensive there.  No, my biggest problem is the cinematography.  You see, when I watch a movie I do not expect to be nauseated.  Neither The Blair Witch Project nor the Bourne films bothered me at all, yet I left the theater on Friday with a headache and an angry stomach.  My theory is that directors of photography Mitchell Amundsen and Larry Fong are terrible people. 

            No, not really.  What they are, however, are directors of action.  Just look at their background.  300, Sucker Punch, Watchmen, Pearl Harbor, The Bourne Supremacy.  Those are action-packed films that also have dizzying camera effects.  Unfortunately this time they went overboard.  When the camera should sit still, it goes crazy.  When it could get away with being crazy, it sits still.  Oddly enough, the only time the cameras calm the fuck down is during portions of the magic act.  Otherwise they are everywhere.  I'm pretty sure some of the fight scenes were filmed by some dude wearing those little glasses cameras people use on prank TV shows.

            In short, the camera work is a sloppy, distracting mess.  Which is a real shame, because the movie really isn't all that bad.  Basically, four magicians team up out of nowhere and start putting on ridiculous shows, during which laws may or may not be broken.  This of course attracts the attention of the FBI, who send Agent Dylan Rhodes (Mark Ruffalo) and Interpol Agent Alma Dray (Melanie Laurent) to interrogate the 'Four Horsemen'.

            If you have seen the trailers, you already know that the Four Horsemen are Jesse Eisenberg as The Lover, J. Daniel Atlas, Woody Harrelson as The Hermit, Merritt McKinney, Isla Fisher as The Priestess, Henley Reeves and Dave Franco as Death, Jack Wilder.  Individually they are all uniquely talented magicians, but together they seem to be an unstoppable force that is always several steps ahead of any and every Federal Agency that tries to stop them.

            Throw in Morgan Freeman as a magician who lives to expose other's magic tricks and Michael Caine as the rich financial backer of the Four Horsemen, and you've got yourself an amazing cast.  To me, this more than makes up for the slightly muddled plot.  Yes, there are so many damn people on screen that nobody really gets fleshed out, but it was nice to have a film where you really won't know who the bad guys are until you get to the end...or until you figure it out. 

            That's the other slight problem I had.  While the film does a fine job of not telegraphing who is what when how and why, there are enough not-so-subtle clues that will allow you to figure out the ending with a good 30 minutes left in the film's 115 minute run-time.

            So there you have it.  A movie that is nowhere as good as it could have been and certainly not as good as it should have been.  The characters are interesting if not deep and the plot is just good enough to keep you entertained, but it's nothing special.  Oh yeah, and if you do see it, sit in the very back of the theater or you might throw up.

Furious 6

            It's strange to me that this weekend's big comedy barely got any laughs but the action juggernaut was riddled with genuinely funny scenes and one-liners.  Hollywood, you confuse me.

            On to the review!

            On Friday I told you to stay away from The Hangover Part III and now I'm going to do something I never, ever, ever expected would happen.  I am going to recommend Furious 6 as one of the most brainlessly entertaining action movies I've ever seen.  Is it horribly dumb, frustratingly ridiculous and so physics-defying that it actually pissed me off? Yes.  Is it still incredibly fun to watch?  Well, yes.

            Furious 6 picks up right where Fast 5 left off (one thing I could do without would be the ridiculous titles). Now the gang is enjoying their riches all across the globe.  Brian (Paul Walker) has settled down in the Canary Islands with his wife Mia (Jordan Brewster) and they now have a child.  While Dominic (Vin Diesel) is a close neighbor everyone else is scattered across the globe.  So when Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson, now with 40% more muscle) shows up with a very convincing reason to enlist their aid we get a few brief scenes of what everyone else is up to as Dominic assembles his team.

            It's a nice little look into how different people would address their sudden ascent into the land of the millionaire but it is also laughable at how nobody seems to remember that they're all wanted criminals across vast swathes of the world. 

            The plot is very simple from there.  Some guy named Shaw (Luke Evans) is assembling a device that, if used, would render an entire nation blind for 24 hours, making it worth billions to many criminal organizations.  It's the job of the Furious crew to stop it from happening.  Oh, also, Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) is apparently not dead and is working for the bad guys.

            The entire cast seems to really be enjoying themselves throughout the film.  It's nice to see Gina Carano again, because I actually liked Haywire.  Ludacris, Tyrese Gibson and Sung Kang are all back and all pretty damn entertaining.  The three of them share the bulk of the laughs, although their relaxed characters often diffuse any tension that may have otherwise been present.

            Then, of course, there are cars.  So many cars, both old and new, but all of them ridiculously muscled.  One of the interesting things I've learned recently when talking to some coworkers who are huge car guys, is that the earlier Fast and Furious films were actually intriguing for them, as the cars actually looked and acted just the way they're supposed to.  Guys would watch the first two movies and drool over all the specs, basically.  Nowadays, those same gearheads go to see the Fast and Furious films specifically to laugh at the poor physics and lack of general car knowledge on display.  Either way, I'm sure the studio doesn't mind as long as they keep buying tickets.

            While the final scene is so over-the-top that it sort of made me want to murder whoever thought there was such a thing as a 40-mile-long runway, I still have to admit that it was entertaining.  Even more interesting, the movie very deliberately sets itself up for another sequel, so my prediction is that it will be called & 7 and will be released in the summer of 2015.

            Is Furious 6 dumb?  Oh hell yes it is.  It is one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen.  Vin Diesel could give Superman a run for his money when it comes to shrugging off events that should land him in the hospital for months.  But it's an entertaining dumb as long as you're willing to overlook everyone's mysterious ability to walk away from horrendous, explosive car crashes without a scratch.

The Hangover Part III

            Making a successful trilogy is very difficult.  First, you have to lay a strong foundation (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Spider-Man).  Next, you need to actually improve upon your source material (Superman 2, Aliens).  Finally, you should go out with a bang, wrapping everything up with one last, great story (Iron Man 3, The Return of the King).  Most film franchises fail to complete this formula.  The second one is a stinker, or the third one is a big, hot mess.  I think we can all agree that The Hangover Part II was a stinker compared to the first, so the question is, did they keep the third film from being a big, hot mess?

           

            On to the review!

            The answer, you'll be delighted to hear, is yes.  The Hangover Part III is not the huge, unfunny, gross-out-humor clusterfuck that the middle child was.  However, it is also not the return to brilliance that anyone may have been hoping for.  If this trilogy were siblings, The Hangover would be graduating college Magna Cum Laude, Part II would be in and out of jail before it turned 18, and Part III would be completely, totally mediocre; a straight-C student with no discernible talents or interest in extracurricular activities.

            So what's the excuse used to get the Wolfpack together for one last adventure?  That part is actually pretty clever.  Alan (Zach Galifianakis) is off his meds and causes so much trouble for his father, Sid (Jeffrey Tambor), that the old man has a stress-related heart attack and dies.  (No, this isn't a spoiler.  It's in every trailer, which is something I will get to in a moment.)  After the funeral, Alan's mother gets all of his friends together to stage an intervention, wanting him to go to a mental hospital in Arizona in order to get the help he needs. 

            Alan only agrees to go because his 'best friends' Phil (Bradley Cooper), Stu (Ed Helms) and Doug (Justin Bartha) are willing to drive him there.  Yeah!  One last road trip!

            They don't make it very far before they're brutally accosted by strangers in pig masks.  They're run off the road, chased down and tied up before criminal mastermind Marshall (John Goodman) makes them a deal: Find Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong), get him and the money that was stolen, or Doug dies.

            Yes, Mr. Chow is the thread tying these films together.  It seems that at some point in the past he robbed Marshall of $21 million in gold bars before being arrested in Bangkok.  Now he's out of jail and somewhere in the States, and Marshall thinks the Wolfpack are the only guys who have a chance of finding him due to Alan's correspondences with Chow.

            Once we establish the plot, we're led on an adventure that begins in Tijuana and ends in Las Vegas.  The thing is, while The Hangover was a wacky, action-filled comedy adventure, the final film in the trilogy honestly feels more like a poorly scripted action-adventure with a little bit of comedy.  There are no big laughs to be mined here, no funny scenes or wacky misunderstandings. 

            The plot may be the most solid one of the trilogy but it doesn't mean a thing if there's no depth to it.  Alan is as strange as ever, but too many of his actions and words fail at being funny or goofy; instead they're off-putting or even horrid.  Yes, he's supposed to be a mentally ill narcissist but holy shit you guys, tone it down.  Then there's the fact that after Alan, Mr. Chow is the deepest, most three-dimensional character.  Bradley Cooper is only there to make witty observations, and Ed Helms' role is to freak out and/or be disturbed by what he's witnessing.  That's it, really. 

            Then there's the problem with the trailers.  If you have seen any one of the trailers for TheHangover Part III then you have seen 1/3 of the damn movie.  The best lines, the best scenes, even the fucking plot twists are all in the trailers.  If you're trying to market a movie, especially one that relies on surprise and humor, especially one that is supposed to be the capstone of a well-known and marketable trilogy, do not show your own damn spoilers in the freaking trailer!

            Here's your summation: The Hangover Part III is not a great movie.  It's barely funny and it doesn't bring anything original to the table.  Yes, it avoided the pitfalls of Part II but it did not come anywhere close to the original.  It's a breezy, tolerable summer movie that you should only watch when you have friends over and beer flowing.  You'll probably enjoy it more when you're drinking.

            

Star Trek: Into Darkness

            I still like last night's twitter joke: How do you make your kid a Star Wars fan?  Show him the very first Star Trek movie.

            Come on.  That's funny.

            On to the review!

            Of course, since pretty much anyone interested in seeing Star Trek went and saw StarTrek: Into Darkness over the weekend (or on its oddly early Wednesday release) I really didn't have to worry about getting a timely review up.  This is good because there's no way to put up a convincing yeah/nay review without spoilers.  Since I don't have to convince anyone to see or avoid it, here's my spoiler-free opinion.

            First off, Star Trek: Into Darkness is freaking gorgeous.  This is the sort of future that everyone wants to live in.  Every building's architecture is ballin', the spaceships are sexy, and even the corridors look like they were hired by a modeling agency.

            In J.J. Abrams' second installment of the franchise reboot, Captain James T. Kirk (Chris Pine) is still the Captain of the Enterprise, albeit one who seems to have a hell of a hard time playing by the rules.  His crew still include Spock (Zachary Quinto), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), Bones (Karl Urban), Scotty (Simon Pegg), Sulu (John Cho) and Chekov (Anton Yelchin).  We're introduced to a newcomer later in the movie in Carol (Alice Eve) who is important.  I know this because she is not wearing a red shirt, and all newcomers in non-red shirts are important.  Shut up that's not a spoiler.

            Unsurprisingly Kirk gets into trouble with Starfleet almost immediately, but before he can learn any sort of lesson about humility a mysterious stranger (Benedict Cumberbatch) shows up and starts to make things explode that aren't supposed to explode.  At this point we get to spend the rest of the film buried in mystery, action and intrigue.  And explosions.  So many explosions.

            I am quite impressed with Abrams' ability to rewrite the history of Star Trek while still staying true to the idea.  In both of his films he's kept the heart of the originals while still throwing in his own twists and tweaks.  This second outing, I feel, is much closer to the 'perfect' film that was The Wrath ofKhan than his first try, but that ends up being both the movie's strength and weakness.

            The Wrath of Khan is arguably the best movie in the entire franchise's history, and that makes it a tough sumbitch to go up against.  Abrams does his best and takes quite a few risks, some that pan out and others that don't.  No, this is not a remake, but nor is it a reimagining.  It is something different yet similar.  If that makes any sense to you then I'd like an explanation.

            There are still some downsides.  One, there is way way waaaaay too much plot crammed into this film.  Because of twist after twist after twist, there is absolutely no room to breathe during its entire 144 minute run time.  Yet, despite being over two hours long there is jack shit for character development.  These guys aren't the well-loved and decently known actors from the original series, who had several seasons of TV under their belt before the movies were even made.  These are fresh guys with fresh lives yet most of them will undoubtedly remain two-dimensional for as long as the reboot lasts.

            Finally, and this was the most disappointing part, Into Darkness is predictable.  I don't mean you know how it's going to end, I mean you know how it's going to play out in nearly every scene.  This takes away from some of the magic of seeing how great a job was done in rebooting such a storied franchise.  If you're a fan, don't let it stop you, but don't expect its predictability to be a boon, either.  A few of the later twists are so damn silly you may be wishing you hadn't seen it coming.

Possession

            Between a local softball tournament, schoolwork and my inherent laziness, I have not yet had a chance to see Star Trek: Into Darkness.  What I have had a chance to see is a batshit insane film from 1981.  It apparently has a strong underground following as a cult horror film, but it isn't so much a horror as it is horrifically crazy.  It is a movie so far removed from the mainstream that I had to order the Korean import DVD just to see it.  It's name is Possession.

            On to the (weird) review!

            The first thing you'll notice when you watch Possession is that Sam Neill is both very young and Irish.  Those are two facts that I have never associated with him, since my first encounter with the veteran actor was in Jurassic Park.  The second thing you'll notice is that all the acting is hilariously, horribly overwrought. 

            The plot starts out relatively benign.  Mark (Sam Neill) returns home from some sort of espionage trip to find that his wife Anna (Isabelle Adjani) wants to leave him.  Though she will not readily admit it, she has found another lover in the polyamorous Heinrich (Heinz Bennent) and no longer wishes to spend time with Mark.  Mark does not take this well, nor does he think this will go over well with their son Bob (Michael Hogben).

            The first 30 minutes or so of the movie reminded me of Audition simply because it was more of a drama that later devolves into something very different, although comparisons to Antichrist are also apt since it's all about two people losing their minds within a disintegrating relationship.  Interestingly, after that it becomes more Hellraiser or Dopplegangerthan anything else, because this movie is fucking nuts.

            If I could create a collage of Sam Neill's facial expressions throughout the film, I would make a coffee table book out of it and sell it to theater actors.  Whenever the scene calls for him to be remotely sensible, he goes off the deep end, and when the film actually needs him to show emotion, his face remains flat.  Isabelle Adjani is no better, as I'm surprised the woman didn't rupture a blood vessel in her throat from all the screaming.  Heinz has it the worst, however, as he is forced to play one of the creepiest third wheel's I've ever seen.

            Basically, Possession has everything you want in a French film.  A good location (Berlin), a ridiculous premise (Anna's dark secret is just, well, ridiculous), acting that's better suited to an off off off Broadway production, and just enough of a twist to make you question the sanity of the writer and director.

            Needless to say this is not the sort of movie you rent on a Saturday afternoon.  No, this is the sort of movie that you only want to view when you're in the right state of mind and are willing to turn to your friend two hours later and loudly, angrily exclaim "What the fuck did you just make me watch?"

TripleRaidio Summer Movie Spectacular!

            I have a confession to make.  It's hard, but I must come clean.

            Are you sitting down?  Good.

            I have not seen a terrible, horrible, no good very bad movie on Netflix in almost a month.  Sure, there were a few stinkers, but nothing has filled me with righteous fury.

            Fortunately, what I HAVE done recently was guest in a podcast!  Yes, I managed to not screw up my first guest appearance back in December, so the wonderful crew over at X-Strike Studios asked me to help them dig through the crowded field of films that are set to debut between now and the end of August!  

            You can listen to or even download the podcast right here.  Now, instead of spending just a few minutes reading my usual Wednesday article, you can enjoy over 90 minutes of movie experts* dissecting over three months' worth of movies and telling you what to see and recommending what to avoid!  

            Even better, all the members of X-Strike--Tim, Rory, Juese and Dave--have magical vocal properties**!  Just pop in this here podcast, and it will make you better at whatever it is you are doing***!  If you want to run, it will help you run 10 times faster than you ever have before***!  If you want to relax, this podcast will make you so relaxed you'll become one with your couch****!  

            So do yourself and the world a favor.  Check out the podcast and get addicted to our amazing knowledge of film then stick around the X-Strike site for more podcasts about all things awesome, as well as their new, fantastic, improv podcast!  

*None of us are experts.

**No they do not.

***No it will not.

****Well, maybe.

The Great Gatsby

            Warning: I have not read 'The Great Gatsby' nor did I know anything about it going into the weekend.  My small rural school did not make it required reading nor did my 20 year fantasy/sci-fi bender slow down long enough for me to catch up on what is widely considered to be an American Classic.  For better or for worse, I will be judging the movie as a movie.

           

            On to the review!

            The first thing I have to say about The GreatGatsby is centered on the director, Baz Luhrmann.  He directed one movie I love to watch when I need to shut my brain up, Moulin Rouge, and another movie that I don't mind at all, Romeo+ Juliet.  He has a very, shall we say, distinct style in that everything he does is incredibly loud and bright as fuck.  There is not a single color in the goddamn spectrum visible by birds that Baz has failed to use in his films.  He is a bright, ostentatious, over-the-top sort of guy.

            This is fine for a movie like Moulin Rouge where even when things get serious the film deliberately relies on overacting, melodramatics and ridiculousness.  It is not, however, fine for a film that involves any sort of subtlety.

            The Great Gatsby is a narrative within a narrative.  It is told from the point of view of Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) who has moved to New York City to try his hand at the stock market.  He rents a tiny cabin in a very ritzy area, which puts him right next to Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio).  Gatsby happens to throw giant parties every weekend, where a veritable who's-who of New Yorkers show up just to get drunk and revel.  Eventually, Nick is invited and ends up befriending Gatsby, impressed by his kindness and honesty.  Little does Nick realize, however, that Gatsby has an ulterior motive.

            For those of you who have not read the book, I do not want to spoil anything else, as it is a decent story.  For those of you who have read the book, you don't need me to tell you what happens next. What you want to know is, is it worth paying money to see this adaptation? 

            No, no it is not.

            Here's why:  While the party scenes are most definitely Baz Luhrmann (loud, ostentatious, over-the-top) the rest of the movie suffers under his heavy hand.  The bright colors may be useful for the bright scenes, but when the script turns dark he has no idea what to do.  Even during some of the most dramatic moments one cannot help but laugh at how ridiculously cartoonish the entire world looks.  It's almost as if he tried to recreate the set of Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

            On top of that, the characters are given a little bit too much free reign to overact.  While DiCaprio again amazes me with his acting ability, Tobey Maguire falls flat a few times, giving the wrong faces for the wrong scenes.  While he makes up for it towards the end, the middle part is frustratingly difficult to put up with.  The same goes for Carey Mulligan as his cousin Daisy Buchanan.  Both her and Joel Edgerton (as Daisy's rich husband, Tom Buchanan) are caricatures of people.  It's downright frustrating to watch.

            Then there's the soundtrack.  While his mix of old and new worked great in Moulin Rouge his attempts at recreating that same sound here are laughably terrible.  Rather than modernize that amazing 20's sound, Baz went and took all the new rap, hip-hop and rock he could find and tried to cram it into a 20's setting.  No, throwing in a jazz trumpet does not automatically make something sound old-school. 

            Basically, The Great Gatsby is a giant mess.  Overwrought, overdramatic, overacted, overmusic'd (that's a thing now), over colored and overly ostentatious.  I think I'm gonna go read the book now.

Dirty Sanchez: The Movie

            Someone, somewhere, recommended I check out a film based on the fact that I enjoy pranks, comedy, and Jackass.  Now if only I could remember who so I could throw a golf ball at their testicles.

            On to the review!

            Dirty Sanchez is the Welsh/English version of Jackass.  In 2006 they rode the wave of 'people doing stupid shit to themselves' popularity and made Dirty Sanchez: The Movie.  However, whereas the cast of Jackass and even The Dudesons were more into ridiculous stunts and goofy, rarely mean-spirited pranks, the boys of Dirty Sanchez are all about being as disgusting and pain-inflicting as possible.

            The four members are Matthew Pritchard, Lee Dainton, Mike Locke and Dan Joyce and in the span of 90 minutes they inflict enough pain on themselves and each other to send a dozen elderly ladies into shock.  Yes, Jackass had 'stunts' like drinking sweat and tying a bottle rocket to a penis, but they were always interspersed with sillier, goofier stunts.  The boys of Dirty Sanchez don't like silly.  They go for shock and awe but often end up delivering shock and disgust.

            In order to give the movie a plot, the film opens with the boys getting ready to pull the most ill-advised stunt they can think of, ending with them all dead and at the devil's doorstep.  Satan tells them they get one more chance in life but they have to wreak havoc while living out the seven deadly sins.  These sins take them to 7 different locations throughout the world, with each country being loosely connected to a particular sin (i.e. Japan - Pride, Thailand - Lust, etc.).

            But the pranks.  The pranks.  They are mostly horrifying.  Yes, there are some genuinely funny ones.  For instance, one of the members, Mike 'Pancho' Locke can sleep through damn near anything.  Of course this means that he has to be abused while he's sleeping, and it happens often.  At one point they spray paint him green and cut up his clothes to make him look like The Incredible Hulk. 

            In another scene they convince one of the guys that there is a Guinness World Record for most times being hit with a paintball (102) and so he willingly gets shot 103 times.  He stands still in only goggles and a jockstrap as the other three take turns blasting away at him, 10 shots at a time.  (Though funny, it's still ridiculously mean-spirited.)

            Unfortunately, for every entertaining prank there are a dozen wretched, disgusting, over-the-top ones.  Like getting liposuction, then later having one member drink a tablespoon of the lipo fat.  Or slicing the tip of a finger off.  Or eating another man's vomit snot bubble.  Or getting a tattoo on their penis.  Or driving a nail through the flesh between the thumb and pointer finger for a few hundred dollars at a club.  Yes, these were all in Dirty Sanchez: The Movie.

            While I think these guys had a few great ideas, there was just too much self-inflicted harm to be funny, and for a very large portion of the film they were laughing alone while I merely cringed.  Basically, the crew of Dirty Sanchez have taken stunts a bit too far for me to want to follow on any more journeys.

Iron Man 3

            Writing a review about a movie that didn't disappoint you is tough.  Especially when it met or exceeded most of your expectations.  So think of today as 'Mainstreamin' Lite.'

            On to the review!

            I went to the 1120 a.m. showing of Iron Man 3 yesterday and guess what?  The theater was pretty packed.  Fortunately I got a decent seat and didn't have to wish I had gone to the 945 a.m. showing.  (Yes, my local theater was screening Iron Man 3 when most 20-somethings aren't even awake yet.  That's how you know you've got a money-maker.)

            Once we got through nearly 30 minutes of trailers and the film started, I was admittedly a bit worried.  An Eiffel 65 song?  Flashbacks?  Mullets?  Fortunately my fears were alleviated within the first 15 minutes and I was once again sucked into the Marvel universe.

            This time around Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) doesn't seem to have much to do with his time other than tinker with his existing suits and build new ones.  After the threat that the Avengers put down, there doesn't seem to be anyone willing to take up the bad guy mantle and threaten the world.  While that would normally be good news, the events of The Avengers rattled Stark to the core and now he has panic attacks as well as difficulty sleeping.

            This is the situation we find Stark in when The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) starts taking over the airwaves, claiming taking responsibility for deadly explosions killing Americans all over the world.   And that's all I'm going to say about the plot.  The trailers did a fantastic job of selling an action-packed superhero film without spoiling anything and I'm going to do the same.

            As far as the actors go, everyone played their part well.  (It's actually been awhile since I was disappointed by the acting.  Maybe The Great Gatsby will break that trend?)  Robert Downey Jr. was Tony Stark, and there were a ton of fantastic one-liners.  Don Cheadle as Colonel Rhodes wasn't in this one too much, but he made the best of his screen time.  Gwyneth Paltrow was a fantastic Pepper Pots, as usual, and I really wish Jon Favreau was in more movies.           

           The special effects were unsurprisingly good, and yeah, that's about it.  Iron Man 3 was not a disappointment and the plot was better than I had expected.  They definitely made up for Iron Man 2's flat, meh plot.  If you're into superhero movies, this is a good one to start the summer with.  Now all you have to do is cross your fingers and hope that the rest of them are this enjoyable.

Iron Man 3 Preview

     I have absolutely nothing to talk about.  I have quite literally (not figuratively) spent two weeks watching nothing but reality cooking competitions.  My days are spent between working and watching other people prep food that I want to eat but am too lazy to attempt.
     So instead, I'm going to give you a peek inside my mind.  Today, for your reading pleasure, I will share with you the thoughts that I absolutely KNOW will be going through my mind during this weekend's Iron Man 3.

     On to the (pre)view?  (Note: negatives before the number indicate time before the official beginning of the movie, which has a 130 minute run time.)

     -40:00  Hell yeah I'm gonna get some sweet seats.
     -30:00 God I'm so bored I've already beaten like 85 games of Sudoku since I sat down.
     -15:00 Man I really have to pee but the previews are about to start.
     -12:00 Ugh damn fine I'll go to the bathroom since I've seen every preview twice already.
     -10:30 Shit someone took my seat damn you tiny bladder!
     -5:00   Huh, didn't see this preview before.
     0:00-  Hell yeah Iron Man 3!!!!!
     0:01 - 130:00 Hhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     130:00 Damn now I can't wait for the new Thor movie.

Pain and Gain

            I'm incredibly conflicted.  On the one hand, Michael Bay is definitely a talented filmmaker.  On the other hand, I hate most of his catalog.  One might say that it is a pain to admit but I've managed to gain respect for the man.

            Ugh, that was terrible.

            On to the review!

            Pain and Gain is Michael Bay's attempt at a 'small' movie.  It only cost $25 million to make, or as I like to refer to it, one Optimus Prime.  Usually his films cost at least four Optimus Primes and end up being...well, see for yourself.  While a large majority of the movies he has ever had a hand in, either as director or producer, has made money, almost all of them were viewed as kinda shitty.  Don't even get me started on the movies that were the trifecta of expensive, terrible, and flops.

            But what does all this have to do with Pain and Gain?  Well, I just wanted you to see it compared to its peers.  It's a tiny, cheaply done movie.  There is only one, read it one explosion during its entire 2 hour, 9 minute run time.  It actually focuses on characters instead of fireballs.  In other words, it's different.  If I have to compare it to any other Bay film in existence, I would liken it to The Rock because of its star-studded cast and absolutely ridiculous plot.

            This time the plot is taken from the true story of Daniel Lugo (played here by Mark Wahlberg), an ex-con personal trainer who just wants to make something of himself.  He wants the American dream but all he can seem to do just get by.  So he takes it upon himself to become a 'doer' and hatches a plan to become a millionaire overnight.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, rather than find a way to become a self-made man he decides to steal the fortune of an actual self-made man, Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub).

            Knowing he can't do this alone, Lugo ropes in two of his coworkers, Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson) and Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie).  After a few false starts, they succeed in kidnapping Victor and all they have to do now is get him to sign away his entire fortune.  Easy, right?  Well, if it were easy, it wouldn't be a Michael Bay movie now would it?

            What's interesting is that this is all based on a true story.  There are even a few moments where the film stops to remind you that this shit really totally happened.  Yet there are moments where it almost begs for suspension of disbelief.  I personally couldn't believe that anyone could be such a terrible criminal mastermind.  I may never know just what parts of the movie were really real and which parts were added for entertainment purposes, but if even one tenth of what I saw actually happened, then poor Daniel Lugo wins the award for worst criminal in the history of Florida.

            Anyways, back to the actual film.  The best part of Pain and Gain is the acting.  Every single person in this film seems to have been cast just right, there are not too many characters, and not only are they all good in their roles, it's obvious that they're having a total blast.  Dwayne Johnson was especially fantastic in his role as a reformed coke-head who found Jesus and went straight.  Seeing him wrestle verbally and morally with the rest of his crew were some of the highlights of the film. 

            A few of the other cast members include Ed Harris, Rob Cordry, Ken Jeong, Rebel Wilson and Bary Paly, who were all great. Rebel Wilson steals the show at times with some great lines to add some dry humor to a movie that refuses to be taken seriously.

            So what are my problems with Pain and Gain?  Well, it's too damn long, for starters.  As usual, Mr. Bay just does not know how to edit a movie into a tight little package.  There are way too many voiceovers.  Damn near every single character gets to narrate their own back-story.  Then more characters get additional narration time to explain scenes or thoughts or deeds.  While a few times is fine (I actually appreciated it as a way to introduce our main characters)  it was used roughly a dozen times, and that's just too damn much.

            If you get motion sick, you may very well have a problem with the opening scene and a few other points of the film.  As usual, Bay shows his technical prowess with a few totally amazing shots, but holy shit are some of them like watching a guy ride a bronco.

            Complaints aside, Pain and Gain has joined The Rock as the only other Michael Bay film that I actually, truly, genuinely enjoy.  Bay did a smart move by hiring talented, competent actors with not a single LeBeouf in sight.  Do I want to watch it again?  Yes, I think I'd like to check out the Blu-Ray when it comes out, which is more than I can say for any Transformers film, or The Island or Pearl Harbor or Armageddon...well, you get the idea.