The Lone Ranger

            Hey, Disney!  You know, you do a lot of good stuff.  You really do.  I like a lot of the films that you help to get onto the silver screen.  But it just doesn't look like you're cut out for summer blockbusters.  Maybe you should take a year off and really concentrate on getting the next Star Wars film done properly.  Because this is your second year in a row with a potential flop on your hands.  At least JohnCarter was a decent film, you guys just didn't know how to advertise it properly.  But The Lone Ranger?  Yeah, you really screwed the pooch on this one.

            On to the review!

            The nicest thing I can say about The Lone Ranger is that it never runs out of ideas.  Too bad most of those ideas are terrible.  Clocking in at 149 minutes, it's about 60 minutes too long and half as clever as it thinks it is.

            For the updated Lone Ranger mythos, lawyer John Reid (Armie Hammer) joins his brother Dan (James Badge Dale) on a manhunt to recapture wicked criminal and possible cannibal Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner).  Things go poorly, some mystical stuff happens and he ends up as a masked outlaw/hero, accompanied by the mysterious Tonto (Johnny Depp), a Native American who also wants to see Butch brought to justice.

            Oh yeah, and before all that happens, there's a lot of stuff on a train.  Not to be confused with the later part of the film where there's a lot of stuff on a train.  There are also several shoot-outs, some genuinely clever action sequences, bits of humor scattered throughout and a supporting cast that, on paper, should add depth and entertainment to the movie.

            Sadly enough, the only thing all this stuff added was bloat.  The Lone Ranger tries so hard to be the first film in a franchise that it absolutely stuffs every single idea into itself.  Who is his love interest?  What's Tonto's background?  Why did John become the Lone Ranger?  What does he stand for?  Why the mask?  Who farted?

            Yes, there are a few funny scenes and stabs at running jokes (the mask becomes a conversation point one too many times).  But if your best actor ends up being a horse, you've done something wrong.

            Just half a page in and I'm already sick of talking about it.  I saw the movie an hour ago and it's already begun to slip from my mind.  Gore Verbinski needs to calm the hell down.  Rango was awesome!  Why'd you remake it into a shitty wannabe-comedy-western?

            Though the Johnny Depp drawing power will most likely skyrocket The Lone Ranger to the top of the charts this weekend, you would be better entertained by hunting down My Name Is Nobody on Netflix.  Now THAT is a fun, funny, entertaining western.  It's also under 2 hours long.