Netflix'd: Stripperland

Today's 'how the hell is this on watch it now but <movie I love> still isn't?' selection is Stripperland!  A cheap, quick turnaround movie rip-off of Zombieland.  I am not exaggerating.  The first few minutes especially is a complete, utter theft down to the 'rules' of zombies (or in this case, zombie strippers) and the film intro.

            From the characters, to the plot points, to the settings, everything comes so close to intellectual theft that I am surprise no lawsuits occurred.  The Jesse Eisenberg role is poorly played by...well, you know what?  Most everyone in this movie is so 'new' (read: terrible) that they don't even have head shots on IMDB.  So...let's just use the movie names.  Idaho is Jesse Eisenberg and he's a loser but not a loveable loser.  Frisco takes the Woody Harrelson, twinkie-searching part and turns it into a lesser badass who wants nothing more than fresh baked desert.  Seriously, it's just....ugh.

            Also, just like Zombieland, they find two girls who end up tagging along.  Then, they head to Oregon because Frisco is promised a fresh baked pie.

            Yes.

            Seriously.

            On our way to the great Northwest, we are introduced to intellectual bankruptcy.  We just wander around from scene to scene and steal from all sorts of movies!  Reanimator!  Evil Dead!  Psycho! 

            Plus, random stuff!  A Baldwin playing a rapper!  I can more easily believe all the world's women have turned into stripper zombies before I believe that Daniel Baldwin is a world famous hip-hop artist.  A guy playing a gay pimp!  A crazed doctor!  None of these people have any bearing on the film other than to pad out what should have been an 80 minute film!  Ugh.

            Another huge problem with this movie and many of the films I have watched recently for this 'project' is the special effects.  Due to the ease and low cost of basic make-up and FX, lots of low budget movies take the more-is-more approach, and it suuuucks.  There is literally no reason to green screen the shit out of everything, add a bunch of terrible digital blood and graphics.  In fact, this movie takes it even further and puts a green screen in front of every single window.   Shit, when they drive it looks like three guys with laptops running past the window.  It's so, so, so terrible.  Even worse?  The movie promised us Gilbert Godfreid and we could not find hide nor hair of him.  For shame, lying movie poster! For shame!

            I just have nothing else to say about this movie.  It was a very fun party movie to make fun of, but I cannot recommend that you watch this on your own unless you are really good at making yourself laugh at unentertaining things.

            Still better than Birdemic, though.

            There was a  full house on Netflix today, so special thanks to all the 7-45 people who showed up (I...I can't count).  You guys are awesome and your contributions were freaking fantastic, especially compared to the film.

Aaaaaand, quotes are us, italics are movie.

GO!

On broken X-Boxes:

"This is the new red ring, you're stuck in a party with Pappy and Joe Cam forever."

On the rest of the film:  (Nothing remotely polite.)

"Well Joe, I hope you're cheered up now, because a dick just got eaten."

"This was filmed in the south because there's booze for sale in the grocery store."

"Music by Slipknot."  "Is it Slipknot?"  "No."  "Oh."  (Most disappointing conversation ever.)

"I guess that stripper was from one of those Fat n' Sassy strip clubs."

"I am NOT Woody Harrelson."  "If he's looking for a Twinkie, I'm fucking stabbing this movie."

"Yes, that was CGI cookie smoke."

"Steal ALL the plot devices!"

"I still haven't seen Zombieland."  "Well, it's just like this movie only not shitty."

"Wow, my microphone really picks up sighs of sadness very very loudly."

"Who the fuck keeps their pants on when the jack off in their own room?"

"We didn't do enough of the dance to have to pay Michael Jackson's estate, but just enough for the audience to know what we were doing."

"God this is a huge chainsaw."  "Your mom is a huge chainsaw."  "Damnit you beat me to it."

"His whole life was a fucking commercial for Pilsbury."

"I know we're not supposed to ignore the movie, but I'm really glad we're ignoring the movie."

"She looks like  a super lesbiany old Carrie Fisher."

"This man said Grandpappy.   He is the best person in the movie."

"Actually, that last one wasn't a stripper, it was just a tranny looking for a smoke."

"Hey, smelling like pinching tobacco, they're talking about you!"  "I quit smoking years ago.  Now I just smell like feces and desperation."

"Finally, boobs in a movie about strippers."  "And they are not good."  "No, they are not."

"No the stripper only speaks Spanish!"

"Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine."

"So, this guy decides they have to go after downing a bottle of liquor?"  "Who is going to pull him over?"  "Zombie strippers dressed as cops!  Duhhh!"

"You've got raspberry jam on your windshield."

"Hey guys, check out my laptop's screensaver.  Let's put this in the movie."

"Fuckadoodle Dandy."

"The gay man just called him a turd burglar."

"Hey look, an ass that doesn't have shit on it.  She must be new."

"Okay, is that an old woman or just....a dude?"

"Would you like to eat grandma's dusty muffins?"

Yeah, we're gonna leave it at that.

Netflix'd: R.O.T.O.R.

R.O.T.O.R.

           

            You do not need to know R.O.T.O.R. stands for.  You DO need to know that all the voices seem dubbed over, even though it's an American film.  There is nothing you can do to make this music any more 80's, cheesy and terrible.  There is also nothing you can do to make this movie less terrible.  The crazy robot cop rampage responsible for the title of this film doesn't occur until well into the second half of the film.  In fact, we paid so little attention to this film that there's a good chance I'm about to lie to you.  Neither of us should feel bad about it.

            So there's a business that makes robot cops.  Their best and brightest is a crappy 50's style hypochondriac robot made out of plastic and dryer ventilation.  Apparently that's where ROTOR (Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research) comes in.  This company is building a humanoid robot cop to clean up the streets, because the 80's were pretty horrific.  This is basically a terrible, terrible, terrible Robocop knockoff.

            All of the actors are forgettable.  So forgettable, in fact, that almost none of them have pictures on IMDB.  The entire first half of the movie is incredibly boring and crappy, before getting action-packed and boring and crappy for the second half.  This movie is worst of everything:  Shitty acting, terrible special effects, incoherent plot that doesn't kick in until everyone is already bored out of their mind.  I have nothing to say other than, fuck this movie.  It has 2 stars on IMDB, but a 51% on RottenTomatoes.  Either there are a shit load of potheads watching this movie and loving every minute, or Hollywood really is an evil bastard.

            The robot's weakness?  Car horns.  He can walk through walls and beat up rednecks all day long, but he can't take a car horn.  I have nothing to recommend this movie, as everything is hackneyed and dumb.  There are movies that are so bad they're good, or so cheesy they're goofy, even movies that are so silly you can't help but enjoy it.  This is none of those.  It's irredeemably bad.  Awful.  Terrible.  Do not watch this movie.  If have seen it, then I am sorry.  If you haven't, keep it that way.  The movie is so cheap and terrible in a bad 80's way that they DRAW a goatee on a white guy and make him pretend to be Hispanic, and somehow you just know they didn't do it for laughs, but because the filmmakers were just that stupid.

           

            This film was recommended/requested by David Hsu, and it's unanimous that we hate him.  Because of this.  Forever.

As always, our remarks are in normal font, the film is in italics.  Special thanks to Joe Cam, Sian, Kat, Jacob, and Jacob's roommate Jon for watching this with me, and Black Chad for chatting with us even though he couldn't see the film.

"This has all the writing of X-Strikes first movie, and none of the charm."  "Oh, that's gay."

"This is the kind of music made by a guy who couldn't cut it in the 80's porn music industry."

"One man, one wang, one man with a wang, on a mission to protect the world."

Sing the following in a country voice:

"Gotta take my diabeetus pills." 

"Eat some goddamn carrots."

"I wake up early and beat my wife."

Okay, now stop singing.  Please.

"Danger, danger Will Robinson, danger!"

"I wonder if that's a Hispanic robot since it's cleaning."  "That's racist."  "Jorje-5 is alive!"

"I just heard that robot say 'The Germans defecated livers, sir.'"

"I think that can of Coke paid for 90% of the special effects."

"This guy is eye-fucking me right now."

"Wait, this cowboy is the scientist?  I thought he was the taxi driver or something."

"Where's the ice cream truck?"  "Is he afraid, or turned on?"

"That hair is like a bowl cut and a mullet at once."

"C'mon baby, we're goin' to the Golden Corral."

"Oh my God, he programmed a horny asthmatic Jew as a robot cop."

"He looks like he wants to be Dancin' on the Ceiling."

"That really does look like the Brady Bunch house, holy shit."

"Holy shit that guy's beard is painted on!"

"Did he just call him monkey?  What the fuck?"  "I think he said Mokie, but that's still fucked up."

"In the 80's you could judge a woman by the size of her hair, the bigger it is the more vapid."  "Yes, and the larger her shoulder pads the more evil she is."

"Back into him at 2 miles an hour, that'll teach him."

"I'd take this film much more seriously if his leather pants didn't have back in them."  "So, you like your robot cops to wear assless chaps?" "Yes."

"It's like a chainsaw set on frappe."  "What..?"  "I think I need to set my chainsaw tomorrow to see if it's got a frappe setting."

"This movie brought to you by Coca-Cola aaaaaand shitty acting."

"It's a rainbow holographic sticker on his helmet!  He's a rainbow gay robot cop!"

"That guy looks like Danny McBride if he got buff."

"I found the angriest lesbian I could."  "I have a feeling she would rip us apart like a phone book."

"The shame is that we were too young to experience all the cocaine that went into this film."

"She has a 5 o'clock shadow."  "If those two were to have kids, she would just pop out bricks.  Actual, literal bricks."

"She's gonna bench press us, then fuck us and not cuddle afterwards."

"You don't happen to know any good Indian trackers, do you?"  "You don't happen to know any good stylists, do you, skunk-head?"

"So she's not fighting him, she's actually hitting on him."  "This is her foreplay."