Netflix'd: Santa's Slay

Welcome to what may possibly be the last or one of the last Netflix'd parties we throw around these here parts.  Unfortunately, it looks like Netflix isn't done being full of shit...err...hubris.  Their new XBox update does not currently support parties.

Until then, we will celebrate the Holidays with terrible, terrible holiday films.

You down?  Good.

            Today's treat is brought to you by Bill Goldberg, 'famed' Jewish wrestler, playing a homicidal Santa in....Santa's Slay!

            The movie starts off pretty well.  A bunch of B-listers and James Caan are having a family dinner, Santa comes in and kills them and then we  roll 5 minutes worth of credits.  Not bad for a 77 minute movie. 

            The plot is pretty simple, really.  A thousand years ago, an old man tricked Santa Claus into having to give up his annual night of terror for one millennia.  That was 1000 years ago TODAY.

            See?  Told you it was a simple plot.  Santa Claus is actually evil, and he would go around murdering people on Christmas until he lost a bet and was forced to be nice for ten centuries.  Now that the time is up, he's having a blast with his angry pet buffalo (bull?).  Not only can his bull (buffallo?) fly, but it also has a shiny red nose and eats people.

            The rest of the film is pretty much Santa going around killing everyone in amusing and inventive ways.  I really have to emphasize the word 'amusing.'  Too often, cheap horror movies either try so hard for laughs that they fall flat on their face and fail to be funny or creepy, and most of the rest try too hard to be scary, not realizing that their approach or lack of a budget makes it impossible.

            Santan's Slay doesn't have that problem.  The film is professional quality, whoever manned the camera actually knew what they were doing, and the effects are just good enough to not detract.  It doesn't go for over-the-top gore either, which is a nice change of pace from recent Netflix'd entries.

            Here's the lesson we've learned today:  Canada makes better cheap, entertaining, schlocky horror movies than America does.

            So if you're in the market for a very fun, relatively short holiday horror film to watch and you can't find your copy of Jack Frost (the one that doesn't star Michael Keaton), grab a warm, spiked apple cider, invite over a few friends and enjoy Santa's Slay.

            Yes, I'm actually recommending a Netflix'd movie. It really is a Christmas miracle.

It was a good turnout today.  Super-special thanks to Sian, Lauren, Jon, Joe Cam, Jesus, and Jacob for joining me.  As always, the movie is in italics and/or italic quotes.  We are obnoxious and in quotes only.  Yes, there are a lot of sexual and filthy comments.  No, the guys didn't make them all.  We're all equal-opportunity perverts around here.

Fran Drescher is the first thing you see: "I was like 'Oh man look at those tits.' and then I was like 'Oh God that voice."

"If that turkey had breasts like Fran Drescher it'd probably be a pretty awesome dinner."

"Chris Kattan is more believable as a Girl Scout than as a martial artist."

"I wasn't aware that Santa Claus was in Norse Mythology."

"Tell that guy to put some Christmas decorations up."  "I'm Jewish, you bitch."

"My brain refused to acknowledge the buffalo."  "No, the buffalo refused to acknowledge your brain."

"I like the women who can give good road head while driving.  It's a skill."

Non-sequitur:  "I've got Paula Deen in my vagina, full of butter."  "Don't feed it after midnight."

Crazy old man comes on scene. "Hey, isn't he in Twilight?"  "We wouldn't know."

 "Hey grandpa, where's the Delorean?"

"Why was this not given a theater release?" 

"I'm trying to absorb this movie's subtle fart humor.  Shut up."

"We already learned that the Thanksgiving turkey is a homicidal murderer, and now Santa is too, what about the Easter Bunny?"  "He spends the other 364 days of the year beating the shit out of people."  "So the Easter Bunny is Russell Crowe?"  "I always thought he was the Tooth Fairy."

"Wow grandpa, I always thought you were illiterate, now it turns out you're dumb."

"Grandpa, are you high?"

"As crazy as it sounds, it's still way more plausible than Christianity."

"Is this where I can find the porn dungeon?"

"Aww, my buffalo's mean to me."

"Looks like Santa is ho-ho-horny."

Santa pauses to Windex a stripper pole before using it.  "Hey, he's a sanitary Santa."

"Just like a typical male.  'I don't get no action, I'm gonna burn this place down.'"

"Man this GONAD is a dick."

"I thought you people didn't believe in him!"  "What do you mean, 'you people?'"

"Merry Christmas to all and to aaahhhhshit!"

"Who skeet shoots on Christmas?"  (In perfect stereotype Minnesota accent) "Yeah, y'know, we go out on Christmas time and we go shootin' with our guns."

"What're we gonna do now?"  "This is where you start suckin' my dick."

"Well, there's a whole chemistry lab that could be used as a weapon.  Nope, not a thing."  "They didn't pay attention in school."  "No weapons in sight."

"Who's your daddy?"  "..and what does he do?"

"Give him a blowjob, maybe he'll become a man."

"Well he's already got an E-Z-Bake oven.  She just needs to take off her pants."

"No one makes me bleed my own blood."

"Isn't an angel calling you a Sally like anyone else calling you a giant vagina?"

Placeholder

At some point, something useful is going to go here.  I am working on a write-up of how I feel about movie trailers and the sort of shit that needs to stop.  However, it's taking a bit longer than I thought it would.  Every time I start writing I get angry, and it's hard to write angry.

Until then, make sure you check out the trailers for the first two of a rumored 82342 Snow White adaptations.

Mirror, Mirror

Snow White and the Huntsman

Netflix'd: Very Bad Things! (Because I can't do terrible movies all the time.)

Today I'm doing something different.  I'm gonna watch a movie that I don't already hate.  I'm also not going to watch a movie that I will probably hate.  Instead, I am going to watch a film that I absolutely loved when I was a teenager, that I own on DVD and that I haven't seen in about half a decade.  Let's see how Very Bad Things holds up, shall we?

            Very Bad Things is a classic 'black comedy' about the worst Bachelor party ever.  Robert (Christian Slater), Michael (Jeremy Piven), Adam (Daniel Stern) and Charles (Leland Orser) take their best friend Kyle (Jon Favreau)  out for a huge-ass Las Vegas bachelor party.  Then, as always, Jeremy Piven goes and fucks things up.

            After Robert makes a terrible situation even worse, they band together and do their best to destroy the evidence.  Then we're about 30 minutes into a 100 minute film!  The rest of the film goes downhill for our erstwhile heroes as they're forced to try and live with what they've done.

            Meanwhile, Cameron Diaz plays Laura, the lucky bride-to-be and she will brook NO errors!  Everything else in this dark, dark film is for those of us who enjoy good films to know and you to find out, I suppose.

            I had really forgotten just how much I enjoyed Very Bad Things.  It really is a terrible, horrible, messed up movie, but it's played perfectly by all the actors.  For this to work, there needs to be an absolute commitment by the actors to just buy into the ideas.  The ideas here?  Their characters are screw-ups.  Different screw-ups, yes.  Some freak out, some go numb, and others turn to drugs and booze, but everything works.  It's a nasty, brutal, hilarious film. 

            To this day I remember sitting in the theater with my friend, getting dirty looks from everyone else that just didn't seem to get it.

            So yeah, go ahead and grab a beer, crank up the volume, and try not to feel guilty at laughing at such a dark comedy.

There were just three of us chilling like villains today.  Myself, Joe Cam and Sian.  You two are freaking awesome.

As always, we're in regular quotes, the movie is in italicized quotes.

"Man, Jon Favreau got fat."

"Man, remember when Cameron Diaz was hot?"  "And funny?"

"Did Jeremy Piven's hair grown forward in the past decade?"

"Remember when Christian Slater was an actual actor?"  "Who?"

"God damnit Jeremy Piven, we can't take you anywhere."

"I don't see why they find her attractive, she's so skinny."  "She's portable!"

"Who's got next?  She's free now."  (Yes, that was a dead hooker joke.)

"Aww, now everybody has AIDS."

"That's how you know he's a slime bag."  "He's a Real Estate Agent."

"Freakout in 3....2........."  "I think you're count's off."  "I'll just make it a really long 1."

"Well, if you don't calm down we're gonna hafta murder you next.  So.  Calm down."

"I love you, helmet."

"That's right Jeremy Piven.  Do all the drugs."

"He's gonna fuck her nasal cavity."

"Look at those eyes.  Those are the eyes of a psychopath.  I think they pulled that kid out of juvie just to do this movie."

"Hey, no smoking in my car.  Only people covered in blood can smoke in my-OOOHHHH."

Personal Challenge: Martyrs

            This is one of the rare movies I write-up not because it's new, or because it's a bad Netflix movie, but as a personal challenge.  Martyrs is one of the last 'most disturbing' films I had not yet seen.

             What would you do if someone tortured and abused you in a dark, dank abandoned warehouse for an undisclosed amount of time when you were a child?  Assuming you got free, what kind of an adult do you think you'd become?  A well-adjusted member of society, or a revenge-driven, confused individual who will do anything in your power to avenge the unwarranted punishment levied on you?

            To complicate matters, what if there was also another crazed, escaped captive who suffered the same humiliations and depredations as you, and had slipped so far out of sanity that they stalk you, angry and naked, for fifteen years?

            Also, you might be just a wee crazy.

            That's the question Martyrs asks, in the goriest, creepiest way possible.

            On to the review!

            Martyrs opens up with a young Lucie running down the street of a derelict warehouse district, covered in gore and screaming.  Yeah, welcome to the film!  We get a little backstory in the form of a doctor's interview and footage, explaining that Lucie was kidnapped and tortured for no discernable reason.  She is now at some sort of orphanage/hospital and isn't doing too well reintegrating into society.  However, she does make one friend, a younger girl who mothers her by the name of Anna.  Unfortunately, Lucie is still stalked by nightmares and a crazed, naked woman.

            Fifteen years later, we jump to the happy home of a nice, both-parents-and-two-kids family.  We're given just enough time to settle in and wonder what the hell is going on before everything juxtaposes and murders take place.  Without going into any spoiler territory, let's just say that nothing is as it seems, and a twenty-something Lucie (Mylene Jampanoi) finds who she thinks are her captors.  The family may or may not be a later source of importance.

            Anna is now her best friend, played by Morjana Alaoui, and all she wants is for Lucie to get better and stop being driven by her past tortures.  Absolutely nothing in this movie goes the way you expect it to.  In fact, so many cast members cease to exist that the movie actually switches gears halfway through, because everything seems to have been wrapped up around the 45 minute mark.

            To say things get fucked up would be to imply that things did not start fucked up.  Unfortunately, because this movie changes pace so often, I don't want to say anything more about it plot-wise, or else I may inadvertently spoil the shit out of it.  I wouldn't want to do that, because Martyrs is amazing both as a film and as an endurance piece.

            Unlike Salo, this film does not disgust you via sexual depredations, rape and bodily fluids.  Instead, it is a bleak film about torture and what it can do to a person both inside and out.  It is also unflinchingly brutal.  I'm not usually bothered by gore, but I hate real-life blood and guts.  I can watch Nightmare On Elm Street a dozen times while eating sandwiches, but I cannot spend three minutes watching a medical show or even a fictional show involving medical surgeries (I'm looking at you, House). 

            Martyrs makes the gore all too realistic, all too brutal, and all too frequent.  I was genuinely flinching at the screen on several occasions, and am going to have a hell of a time shaving tomorrow.

            Oh, and the last half hour?  Fuck you.  I hate the French all over again for doing this to me.  It's like they were afraid some other country was going to take their mantle as the creators of the 'most disturbing cinema.'

            So check this out if you're a fan of the violent, hyper-realistic horror genre or just want to challenge yourself.  Martyrs is not an easy film to watch.  In fact, it stares you right in the eyes and dares you to not once hit pause and take a breather.

Jack and Jill

Before I get into this 'review,' I want to reiterate a few things.  First off, I started doing this back in March for two reasons.  I wanted to entertain people and I wanted to use a (moderately) stable schedule to be a better writer.  If I help people decide if they want to watch a particular film or pique their interest in one of the few obscure films I write about, then awesome. 

            Really though, I don't like reading most film reviews.  Everyone has different tastes and too often reviewers write in such specific terms that it really seems like they're telling the reader just what they should think.

            Yeah, sometimes I get a little nasty or drool all over a film I love, but I like to think that I do it in a personal tone, as if I'm just giving you my opinion, rather than demanding you see things the same way I do.  I don't have a film degree, I'm not a film student.  I don't know anything about camera styles or film layouts.  Hell, I'm not sure I can always tell the difference between a green screen or a painted backdrop. 

            I do this because I love movies, and I try to find something to enjoy in all of them.  I want to compare a film to other movies that you, the reader, are familiar with so that you have something to compare it to.  Giving it 3 out of 4 stars does nothing for you, because you don't know where the hell my standards are.

            With that being said, here's your warning:

            I am about to be very, very, very mean.  It's all just a personal opinion, but holy shit is it a vehement one.

On to the review!

            Jack and Jill is rated PG.  It contains racism, anti-Semitism, ass jokes, fart jokes, poop jokes, sexual innuendos and disgusting bodily fluid.  These all take place in the first half.  Then it gets more irritating.

            At least the plot summary is easy.  Adam Sandler plays Jack Sadelstein, the identical twin of Jill Sadelstein, who is also played by Adam Sandler.  Jack is a successful L.A. businessman whose company makes commercials.  Jill is a 40-something woman who has never been married, or quite possibly ever been in a relationship.  Jack is happy and well-adjusted with a wife and two children, one of who was adopted.  Jill is a loud-mouthed idiot.

            Basically, Sandler gets to play the smart, relaxed cool dude on one side while also reprising his irritating grandma-ish voice from those O-so-long-ago comedy albums.  It's a win-win for every deaf person in the audience. 

            There's no depth here.  Dunkin' Donuts has demanded that Jack get Al Pacino for their new Dunkaccino or they'll find another agency, which would put Jack's company out of business.  Well, turns out that Mr. Pacino is a huge fan of obnoxious women who look a lot like Adam Sandler.  But, of course, he's not her type. 

            Yeah, that's it.  Problem is, that plot doesn't kick off until well over a third of the way into the film.  First we have to sit through a long, drawn-out introduction so we can establish just how awesome and happy and well-adjusted Jack is and how annoying and obnoxious Jill can be. 

            Joke after failed joke occurs as Jill continues to demonstrate just how hilariously clueless she can be, by responding to a computer question with "You know I don't own a calculator!" and constantly arguing about what movie she's trying to think of, even when everyone keeps telling her the name of the actual movie she's trying to think of.  Comedy!

            Of course, we are first treated to a montage of Jack and Jill growing up, which is terrible.  Mostly because it's not funny in the least and also because they saw the need to digitally alter the picture of the naked babies so they would have 'hilariously' huge asses.  Farting in the tub, pooping really loud, farting in the theater, sweat-outlined blankets.  This is what the movie reaches for, not as the lowest-denominator, but as the common denominator.  They truly assume that the best way to improve on a fart joke is with a real fart, or talking about 'dropping chimichangas.' 

            Once the movie gets rolling we get to see Al Pacino play himself as a crazy stalker, obsessed with Jill and willing to do anything to have her.  Meanwhile, Jack pretends to be nice to her even though she drives him crazy, and she continues to be irritating.  The absolute worst part of the whole film, for me, was when the friendly gardener Felipe (Eugenio Derbez) takes her to a family picnic.  At this point we are treated to an absolutely horrifying display of what white guys who have only met Mexicans when they checked on the hired help think a family get together should look like, complete with using jalapenos as smelling salts.

            At least I figured out why they went with the whole commercial angle.  It probably let them pay for 80% of the movie with product placement revenue.  You get the greats like Pepto-Bismol, Craigslist, eHarmony, Kawasaki, Dunkin Donuts, and on and on and on. 

            They need it though, because everybody and their brother shows up in this movie.  From the Shamwow guy to Regis Philbin, Norm MacDonald to Shaq, Drew Carey and of course Al Pacino.  Also, lest I forget to mention them, everyone who has ever even stepped foot on the set of a Happy Madison production is invited back. 

            Normally I would be excited to see so many comedians in a comedy, but each and every cameo just gets more and more depressing, until you're finally face-to-face with David Spade dressed as a slutty woman.  No, not 'a guy dressed as a slutty woman,' but a 'guy playing the role of a slutty woman in a movie.'  Because apparently Adam Sandler is not allowed to be the only male actor playing a terrible, terrible caricature of a female.

            I cannot really say anything more about this movie other than I hated it.  From start to finish, I was bored, annoyed and angry, depending on what was on the screen.  I think I cracked a smile once, but only because someone on screen was knocked unconscious. 

            I guess if you're still an Adam Sandler fan, you may enjoy this, or if you really love the same sort of comedy you get from those *** Movie films (Date Movie, Epic Move, etc.) then you might find something to enjoy.  If you want to remember Mr. Sandler as Happy Gilmore or the dude from Punch Drunk Love, you probably want to stay away.

Netflix'd: Season of the Witch

Super bonus round:  My wife is joining us on XBox Live (hooray $120 a year for two accounts!) and is deep in her cups o' wine.

            As a bonus, we're shooting for absolute high budget schlock with Season of the Witch.  You know a movie is going to be fun for all the wrong reasons when you have late-period Nicolas Cage.

            On to the review!

            You know what?  I was wrong.  Overacting, ridiculous Nicolas Cage was not present in this film.  Ron Perlman was not particularly more or less badass than he usually is.  Christopher Lee was plague-ridden. 

            Basically, this movie was 97 minutes of disappointment.

            In fact, it was kinda boring.  Fortunately there were 8 of us filling up the Netflix movie chat, which enabled about 500% more fun from comments than the movie offered us.

            The movie basically follows our intrepid heroes Cage and Perlman as they realize the Crusades suck ass and try to run away.  They get caught and are forced by Christopher Lee to either escort a witch to some location or face death.  Then everything gets pretty boring.

            In fact, I really don't want to talk about it, because it was just incredibly boring.  Read our quotes and call it a day.

            Nicolas Cage, I am disappoint.

Thanks for everyone who showed up!  Full house of fun and awesome!  Special thanks to my wife for being cute and ridiculous!

As always, comments in quotes are ours and italics are from the movie.

"Don't burn me!  I'm not a witch!  I don't weigh as much as a duck!"

"It's the city of Bruce Vilanch."

"I hate the Middle Ages."  "I'm more of a fan of the awkward teenage ages myself."

"I can't hear you.  Ron Perlman is in the way."

"Wow, it's so green-screen!"

"Draw your arms!"   "This is hardly the time to sketch, sir."

"We've been fighting for seven months!  I just wanna take a nap!"  "I need a wenching break!"

"His name is Almost Russell Crowe."

"Sons of Anarchy has ruined how I view Ron Perlman.  He should be on a motorcycle, shooting all these people."  "Dude, this is a Nic Cage movie.  That's Act 3."

"Christopher Lee got some really bad Botox."

"This is a comedy, right?"  "It's a buddy comedy.  Just wait until they get the black knight."  "Is he played by Martin Lawrence?  I hope it is."  "Yeah, they learn to set aside their racial differences."  "Racial differences between Ron Perlman and Nic Cage?"

"Nicolas Cage is so crazy he can just pull fruit out of thin air."  "Are we sure he's not a witch?"

Kid swings the sword while holding the blade.  "You're doing it wrong!"  (Shouted by several people simultaneously.)

"I can totally imagine the reaction of the people.  They'd be all like *gasp*"  "Oh nooooo."

"You don't sleep in a plague town.  You stay away from a plague town.  I'm pretty sure it was a Bruce Springsteen song."

"Even this guy, from half a town away, felt the disappointment of the previous scene."

"It's black plague spooge.  Ewwww."

"I didn't know the dog from Resident Evil was in this.  Where's Wesker?"

"Meh."

"I thought Cage was gonna make out with his horse for a minute.  I was really interested, and the horse looked kinda concerned."

"Push harder!  What is your problem?"  "I wish I didn't hear my wife say that so often."

"This better save his life, 'cause that's Ron Perlman's juice."  "I think we should be in a stagecoach, selling it from town to town.  Come buy Ron Perlman's Juice!  It will give you the power of a thousand men!"  "Or two Ron Perlman."

"I'm not gonna lie.  I just imagined them killing all the wolves in Twilight."

"He's doing what comes naturally..."  "Masturbating."

"I just realized something.  Why is Ron Perlman the most levelheaded person right now?"

"Sorry, I'm not in to little Welsh boys."

"I think the moral of this story is 'Nicolas Cage.  For when Sean Bean turns you down.'"

"The special effects in this movie make me miss Stripperland."

"They're like cockroaches."  "Yeah, because cockroaches drop from the ceiling and try to stab you with knives."

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

Do you have a problem with blood, drugs, violence, drugs, penises, drugs, boobs, marijuana, cocaine, explosions, ecstasy, children on drugs or drug humor?

Yes?

           

Then you probably didn't like the first two Harold and Kumar films.  Go away.

Are the downers gone?

Good.

On to the review!

            A Very Harold& Kumar 3D Christmas is the sort of film that cannot in any way jump the shark.  The first movie started out jumping the shark.  It was ridiculous, goofball stoner humor from the word go.  By the time a third installment comes along, the shark is a thousand meters long and a football field high, has lasers for eyes and must be flown over by a subspace sonic jet.  Piloted by a stoner.

            The movie starts off with enough self-reference to fill an entire satire.  It has winking nods to itself as a movie and as a 3D vehicle, and it does so with such a smirk and a shrug that you have no choice but to either enjoy it or just walk the hell out of the theater right then and there, because it's not getting any different from here on out.

            Harold (John Cho) is a happily married, successful Wall Street businessman whose only goal on Christmas Eve is to make his father-in-law happy.  Kumar (Kal Penn), meanwhile, hasn't heard from his erstwhile stoner friend in two years and is now single, alone, and depressed.  To say that weed is his only solace is to say that a man in a million dollar car is only compensating for a small penis.  We both know there's no way to exaggerate the truth.

            After some plot layout and discovering that holy shit Patton Oswalt is in this!  So is Thomas Lennon as Harold's 'best friend' Todd!  Whoa Danny Trejo is playing the father-in-law, Mr. Perez! Kumar receives a package on his doorstep that is addressed to Harold, heads over there and...surprise surprise, drug-related wacky hijinks ensue.

            Basically, Kumar accidentally destroys a Christmas tree that was raised by Mr. Perez for 8 years and is the difference between a happy Christmas and a terrible one.  This is what drives the rest of the plot forward and allows our drugged-up duo to endure a mobster, Neil Patrick Harris, a lovesick waffle making robot, a giant killer snowman and various other zany antics. 

            There are a few running gags that help to advance the plot, like Kumar's nerdy friend trying to lose his virginity and Todd's 3 year old daughter being inadvertently exposed to more and more powerful illegal narcotics during the course of the film.  They also do a good job of giving cameos to pretty much every character who was in the last two.  The only person you don't see who had a decent part in the first films is Freakshow, but the guy who I keep confusing for Christopher Meloni, Elias Koteas, does play a memorably entertaining character.

            The 3D is also used perfectly for a film that does not stop advertising itself as a 3D movie.  It's over-the-top but fun.  Everything that can be 3D is 3D, and it's always seems to maximize the humor, similar to how Jackass 3D used the technology.

            Go ahead and see A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas if you enjoyed the first two.  You can go into it knowing that they did not change the formula.  As far as stoner movies go, it's definitely more Half-Baked than Dazed and Confused.  The gore is definitely over the top and not really necessary, but it doesn't overshadow the fact that this is a crude, drug-fueled romp.  I imagine this is the sort of movie that gets made when a studio says "Here's a few million dollars.  Make us a movie that'll make our stoner nephew laugh."

Netflix'd: Stripperland

Today's 'how the hell is this on watch it now but <movie I love> still isn't?' selection is Stripperland!  A cheap, quick turnaround movie rip-off of Zombieland.  I am not exaggerating.  The first few minutes especially is a complete, utter theft down to the 'rules' of zombies (or in this case, zombie strippers) and the film intro.

            From the characters, to the plot points, to the settings, everything comes so close to intellectual theft that I am surprise no lawsuits occurred.  The Jesse Eisenberg role is poorly played by...well, you know what?  Most everyone in this movie is so 'new' (read: terrible) that they don't even have head shots on IMDB.  So...let's just use the movie names.  Idaho is Jesse Eisenberg and he's a loser but not a loveable loser.  Frisco takes the Woody Harrelson, twinkie-searching part and turns it into a lesser badass who wants nothing more than fresh baked desert.  Seriously, it's just....ugh.

            Also, just like Zombieland, they find two girls who end up tagging along.  Then, they head to Oregon because Frisco is promised a fresh baked pie.

            Yes.

            Seriously.

            On our way to the great Northwest, we are introduced to intellectual bankruptcy.  We just wander around from scene to scene and steal from all sorts of movies!  Reanimator!  Evil Dead!  Psycho! 

            Plus, random stuff!  A Baldwin playing a rapper!  I can more easily believe all the world's women have turned into stripper zombies before I believe that Daniel Baldwin is a world famous hip-hop artist.  A guy playing a gay pimp!  A crazed doctor!  None of these people have any bearing on the film other than to pad out what should have been an 80 minute film!  Ugh.

            Another huge problem with this movie and many of the films I have watched recently for this 'project' is the special effects.  Due to the ease and low cost of basic make-up and FX, lots of low budget movies take the more-is-more approach, and it suuuucks.  There is literally no reason to green screen the shit out of everything, add a bunch of terrible digital blood and graphics.  In fact, this movie takes it even further and puts a green screen in front of every single window.   Shit, when they drive it looks like three guys with laptops running past the window.  It's so, so, so terrible.  Even worse?  The movie promised us Gilbert Godfreid and we could not find hide nor hair of him.  For shame, lying movie poster! For shame!

            I just have nothing else to say about this movie.  It was a very fun party movie to make fun of, but I cannot recommend that you watch this on your own unless you are really good at making yourself laugh at unentertaining things.

            Still better than Birdemic, though.

            There was a  full house on Netflix today, so special thanks to all the 7-45 people who showed up (I...I can't count).  You guys are awesome and your contributions were freaking fantastic, especially compared to the film.

Aaaaaand, quotes are us, italics are movie.

GO!

On broken X-Boxes:

"This is the new red ring, you're stuck in a party with Pappy and Joe Cam forever."

On the rest of the film:  (Nothing remotely polite.)

"Well Joe, I hope you're cheered up now, because a dick just got eaten."

"This was filmed in the south because there's booze for sale in the grocery store."

"Music by Slipknot."  "Is it Slipknot?"  "No."  "Oh."  (Most disappointing conversation ever.)

"I guess that stripper was from one of those Fat n' Sassy strip clubs."

"I am NOT Woody Harrelson."  "If he's looking for a Twinkie, I'm fucking stabbing this movie."

"Yes, that was CGI cookie smoke."

"Steal ALL the plot devices!"

"I still haven't seen Zombieland."  "Well, it's just like this movie only not shitty."

"Wow, my microphone really picks up sighs of sadness very very loudly."

"Who the fuck keeps their pants on when the jack off in their own room?"

"We didn't do enough of the dance to have to pay Michael Jackson's estate, but just enough for the audience to know what we were doing."

"God this is a huge chainsaw."  "Your mom is a huge chainsaw."  "Damnit you beat me to it."

"His whole life was a fucking commercial for Pilsbury."

"I know we're not supposed to ignore the movie, but I'm really glad we're ignoring the movie."

"She looks like  a super lesbiany old Carrie Fisher."

"This man said Grandpappy.   He is the best person in the movie."

"Actually, that last one wasn't a stripper, it was just a tranny looking for a smoke."

"Hey, smelling like pinching tobacco, they're talking about you!"  "I quit smoking years ago.  Now I just smell like feces and desperation."

"Finally, boobs in a movie about strippers."  "And they are not good."  "No, they are not."

"No the stripper only speaks Spanish!"

"Don't forget to drink your Ovaltine."

"So, this guy decides they have to go after downing a bottle of liquor?"  "Who is going to pull him over?"  "Zombie strippers dressed as cops!  Duhhh!"

"You've got raspberry jam on your windshield."

"Hey guys, check out my laptop's screensaver.  Let's put this in the movie."

"Fuckadoodle Dandy."

"The gay man just called him a turd burglar."

"Hey look, an ass that doesn't have shit on it.  She must be new."

"Okay, is that an old woman or just....a dude?"

"Would you like to eat grandma's dusty muffins?"

Yeah, we're gonna leave it at that.