Birdemic: The worst film ever?

'Birdemic'.  In a word?  Why…..As in, why the fuck did this piece of shit become popular?  Even ‘terrible’ popular?  I can understand why a film like ‘The Room’ is a midnight movie, and Troll 2 has at least a little bit of terrible, stupid charm.  'Birdemic', however, tries and fails to make a statement about mankind's abuse of Mother Earth by gathering a few shitty actors, even shittier special effects, and taking a dump in my eyes.

To say that these are actors is a grave disservice towards every kindergarten plays ever.  Do you remember the old Transformers toys that let you speak into a straw and ‘sound’ like an Autobot?  The lead actors would be MUCH more engaging if they did that the entire time.  Every scene happens thusly:

1.      Memorize line

2.      Turn on camera

3.      Deliver line

4.      Turn off camera

There is literally no continuity, even within shots in the same scene.  There is no framing, the time of day changes randomly and they make no attempt to even give a fuuuuuck about making anyone care about anything ever.

The sound is even worse.  It occasionally mutes itself, people actually stand there for a second or two before delivering their lines, and the random noise is abso-fucking-lutely infuriating.  The ocean scene is the worst.  The actors are almost yelling their lines in an effort to be heard over the ocean.

I've saved my greatest hatred for the birds.  In this film, the super-shitty CGI avian menace can hover, make airplane dive-bombing sounds and seemingly EXPLODE when flying into far away houses and gas stations.  Sometimes they just start dumbly flying into doors and walls for no apparent reason and at other times they are goddamned flyby ninjas.

In order to not further embarrass the actors I will refer to them by the names I made up in my head.  The main character, Terminator Model 1.1 is the absolute worst actor.  His friend, Pervy McHipster can at least act and show some base emotion, but the fact that there’s nothing worth saying doesn’t help. 

Of course we also have to add some love interests.  Terminator Model 1.1 begins the film by very awkwardly stalking a woman in a painfully long sequence.  I’m calling her Hottie Titswallow-- not to be misogynistic, but to point out that the only reason for her existence seems to be as eye candy in some desperate attempt to distract from everything else that’s wrong with the film.  Her acting is perfectly neutral, her smile is ever-present and her teeth are whiter than anything I have ever seen in my life.  Pervy McHipster has himself a hippy girlfriend in Yoko Ohno, a blandly polite young lady who, like Hottie, has no real purpose other than to smile once in awhile.

 Inexplicably, we completely forget about Pervy and Yoko just over halfway through the film and replace them with Bland Couple.  If you know anything about this film, then you are aware of Bland Couple.  They are the ones who, in the infamous YouTube clip, suggest the coat hangers.  To make matters even dumber, Bland Couple seem to be Bonny and Clyde and their van contains such wonderful random objects as camo gear, machine guns and pistols with military grade attachments.

All of this pays off with a five minute speech from a random ornithologist about the terrors of bird flu caused by global warming.  Yes, this entire movie is based around boredom and global warming.  There is absolutely no reason to talk about the rest of this movie.  It makes no sense, it’s dumb, the poor kids in the film are going to need decades of therapy and the wise man is an unwashed hippie in a flannel shirt.  This movie is terrible.  The only way you could possibly enjoy this is if you're drunk, high, AND with a group of friends.  I don't do drugs and I can't drink right now, so the group of friends kept me from cutting myself.  Unfortunately they could not stop the tears.
If you want a movie with a message, just do yourself a favor and watch 'An Inconvenient Truth.'  If you want a good movie about birds, Hitchcock's 'The Birds' will do you just fine. Combining killer birds with an environmental message via shitty acting, filming and sound control is just....no.  No!  If this movie were a person it would have no friends because it didn't shower for three months and doesn't stop talking about flowers.  If this movie were a person and it approached me I would call the police because I feared it would touch me inappropriately.  Not because it was trying to molest me, but because it genuinely didn't know any better.

Thanks again to Johon, Joe Cam, Mr Freight and Rez for helping me make fun of this horrendous piece of shit.

These are a few of the best lines from our group.  Five of us actually braved it together.  My wife was the smartest one and left for the farthest room in the house.

Me: “Is she foreign or retarded?”  Everyone else: “BOTH!”

“Good Lord look at those gas prices!”  “Yup, this was shot in California.”

“This guy isn’t an actor.  He’s a Terminator, and this whole movie is a government test to see if we can accept him as human.”

“If you squint you can make out Godzilla in the background.”

Upon seeing the first CGI birds: “Wait, did everyone else pop acid before this movie too?”

            “I really like the MIDI version of ‘Imagine’ playing in the background.”

            “Make a note Pappy, we’re a third of the way through this film and we’ve only seen 3 birds and no ‘demics.”

            “God, the stench of patchouli is EVERYWHERE.”

            “Oh no!  Digital roadkill!”

            “This is one of the few films that I feel would make a great videogame.”
            "Do I have a will to live?  No?  Okay...SPLAT!"

When a random ‘music video’ happens we got a flurry of ridiculous comments:

“Is that Bernie Mac’s little brother?”  “Yeah, it’s Louie Mac.”  “I hope this isn’t his breakout film.”  “It’s Wayne Brady’s black brother.”  “White people dancing alert!”  “This is the kind of rapping you hear in Kidz Bop.”