Red Dawn 2012

            Maybe, just maybe the new Red Dawn will do so poorly that Hollywood steps off the remake bandwagon.  I mean, Total Recall, Dread and Red Dawn were all released to mild or worse reviews and two of them already tanked at the box off.

            So of course they're not going to remake movies like Robocop, Carrie or Evil Dead, right?

            Oh, wait...they are?  And even worse, I'm still going to be a sucker and go watch all of them in the theater?

            Shit.

            On to the review!

            In one word: craptacular.  Yes, Red Dawn was a crappy spectacular.  And by spectacular, I mean it sucked.

            As you may or may not know, Red Dawn has been sitting on shelves for a few years now.  I'm not sure why it finally saw the light of day, but I'm also not sure who thought a knee-jerk movie about kids fighting off an enemy invasion during the cold war needed to be reshot.  I liked the original for its ridiculousness, certainly not for its plot.

            Add that to the fact that the studio gave in to pressure and changed the enemy from the Chinese to the North Koreans, and BAM! we've lost any and all pretense at being interesting or topical.

            So what has changed from the original?  Well, the characters are a lot less likeable.  In fact, there was only one person whose screen presence can't be described with the world 'horrible' and that's only because he wasn't on screen enough for me to hate him. 

            This time there's no Air Force Colonel to help whip the kids into shape, instead we get Chris Hemsworth as Jed Eckert, a Marine conveniently home on leave when the North Koreans raid Spokane, Washington because Spokane is somehow important.  Hell, they actually explain why Spokane was attacked, and I still don't believe it.

            Just like in the 1984 original, a bunch of teens get to the woods and fight back at the invaders.  That's where the similarity ends.  Now they're more like freedom fighters, and because of modern technology and some ridiculous raids, they have access to enough explosives to take out every damn building in the city if they feel like it.  At no point do you believe much will go wrong, and there's just no impetus to root for the kids.

            Sorry, but the Red Dawn remake falls flat on all fronts.  I'm glad that Cabin In the Woods was released once Chris Hemsworth became popular as Thor, because that was a fun film that deserved to see the light of day.

            Red Dawn is not.  Save your money, go see Lincoln.