Scary Movie 5 Part 2: The Rant

No new movie today.  I'm still pissed off about Scary Movie 5.

            On to the rant!

            The good news is that Scary Movie 5 had a terrible opening weekend.  It only made $15.2 million as opposed to 42's $27.3 million.  So, yay!

            The bad news is that enough people saw this film willingly that it made millions of dollars.  I understand that there is some extreme pressure to compete in Hollywood.  More so than anywhere outside of politics, I would wager.  But what is wrong with the system that someone could reasonably expect to use a film like this on a resume?  I like to imagine that the writers did something similar to what occurred in the "Cartoon Wars" episodes of South Park; except instead of manatees, they all ate random words written on paper, shit on the table and used that to build the script.

            I'll admit, despite such literal shit coming to theaters once in awhile, we are in an absolute Golden Age of cinema.  Don't let anyone tell you different.  With filming methods becoming cheaper and easier to obtain, there are so many ways to create movies that it feels like everyone is getting into it.  Indie films are becoming just as accepted by viewers as multi-million-dollar blockbusters.

            So if a movie can be made on the cheap and become critically acclaimed plus make a pile of money, shouldn't it be even more difficult to greenlight a studio film?  Shouldn't someone have looked at the Scary Movie franchise, noticed that A Haunted House was coming out beforehand as was basically a Scary Movie film anyways, then nixed Scary Movie 5?  Then maybe murdered whoever brought up the idea?

            Don't get me wrong.  I am not nearly as educated a student of cinema as many of my friends or basically anyone who actually makes a living out of watching film.  I know that there have always been shitty movies.  But it feels like they were fewer and farther between, just as often the product of an overconfident director or a loss of control from the studio as it was an ipso facto terrible film.

            Plus, we have always had 'bad' cinema due to time and money constraints.  Roger Corman made a living out of pumping out film after film for small audiences that just wanted to have a good time.  Plan 9 From Outer Space, anyone?

            But it feels like Scary Movie 5 and recent films like Jack and Jill are not only terrible, but that they do not even have an audience to appeal to.

            Especially with all the options available to us nowadays!  Why spend $10-15 for a ticket to a movie that everyone who has seen it finds it abhorrent when you can boot up Netflix or Hulu or Amazon Prime and watch known good cinema?  I understand the idea that people want to take a risk or are just immensely hopeful/curious (see: half the movies I watch), but Hollywood is not going to stop shitting on that table until we as moviegoers stop handing them money for the next crapfest.

            If someone really, really felt that the next Scary Movie film had to be made, then fine.  Give them a few digital cameras and just enough money to pay the cast.  Then force them to actually make a good movie.  Airplane did it.  Not Another Teen Movie did it.  Spoofs can be spot-on, relevant and fucking hilarious.  But when you're just ripping off other, better movies in an attempt to cash in on trends, you're not making a movie.  You're making a shitty series of scenes that would do just as well on a YouTube channel.

            Stop it.  Just stop it, Hollywood.  Your head is so far up your ass at this point that you think it's totally fine to go balls-deep in ours.  That's not cool.  Keep giving me the blockbusters, keep giving me the thoughtful films, the experimental ones, the weird ones.  I understand that a flop is inevitable, but at least put some goddamn heart into it.  I'll forgive a flop with good intentions (John Carter) but I won't forgive any more shameless cash-ins (Grown-Ups).  You can just sit there with your head up your ass, making muffled noises about how to spoof the next big hit.  I can't stop you, but I refuse to listen.