Scary Movie 5 Part 2: The Rant

No new movie today.  I'm still pissed off about Scary Movie 5.

            On to the rant!

            The good news is that Scary Movie 5 had a terrible opening weekend.  It only made $15.2 million as opposed to 42's $27.3 million.  So, yay!

            The bad news is that enough people saw this film willingly that it made millions of dollars.  I understand that there is some extreme pressure to compete in Hollywood.  More so than anywhere outside of politics, I would wager.  But what is wrong with the system that someone could reasonably expect to use a film like this on a resume?  I like to imagine that the writers did something similar to what occurred in the "Cartoon Wars" episodes of South Park; except instead of manatees, they all ate random words written on paper, shit on the table and used that to build the script.

            I'll admit, despite such literal shit coming to theaters once in awhile, we are in an absolute Golden Age of cinema.  Don't let anyone tell you different.  With filming methods becoming cheaper and easier to obtain, there are so many ways to create movies that it feels like everyone is getting into it.  Indie films are becoming just as accepted by viewers as multi-million-dollar blockbusters.

            So if a movie can be made on the cheap and become critically acclaimed plus make a pile of money, shouldn't it be even more difficult to greenlight a studio film?  Shouldn't someone have looked at the Scary Movie franchise, noticed that A Haunted House was coming out beforehand as was basically a Scary Movie film anyways, then nixed Scary Movie 5?  Then maybe murdered whoever brought up the idea?

            Don't get me wrong.  I am not nearly as educated a student of cinema as many of my friends or basically anyone who actually makes a living out of watching film.  I know that there have always been shitty movies.  But it feels like they were fewer and farther between, just as often the product of an overconfident director or a loss of control from the studio as it was an ipso facto terrible film.

            Plus, we have always had 'bad' cinema due to time and money constraints.  Roger Corman made a living out of pumping out film after film for small audiences that just wanted to have a good time.  Plan 9 From Outer Space, anyone?

            But it feels like Scary Movie 5 and recent films like Jack and Jill are not only terrible, but that they do not even have an audience to appeal to.

            Especially with all the options available to us nowadays!  Why spend $10-15 for a ticket to a movie that everyone who has seen it finds it abhorrent when you can boot up Netflix or Hulu or Amazon Prime and watch known good cinema?  I understand the idea that people want to take a risk or are just immensely hopeful/curious (see: half the movies I watch), but Hollywood is not going to stop shitting on that table until we as moviegoers stop handing them money for the next crapfest.

            If someone really, really felt that the next Scary Movie film had to be made, then fine.  Give them a few digital cameras and just enough money to pay the cast.  Then force them to actually make a good movie.  Airplane did it.  Not Another Teen Movie did it.  Spoofs can be spot-on, relevant and fucking hilarious.  But when you're just ripping off other, better movies in an attempt to cash in on trends, you're not making a movie.  You're making a shitty series of scenes that would do just as well on a YouTube channel.

            Stop it.  Just stop it, Hollywood.  Your head is so far up your ass at this point that you think it's totally fine to go balls-deep in ours.  That's not cool.  Keep giving me the blockbusters, keep giving me the thoughtful films, the experimental ones, the weird ones.  I understand that a flop is inevitable, but at least put some goddamn heart into it.  I'll forgive a flop with good intentions (John Carter) but I won't forgive any more shameless cash-ins (Grown-Ups).  You can just sit there with your head up your ass, making muffled noises about how to spoof the next big hit.  I can't stop you, but I refuse to listen.

Scary Movie 5

            I usually try not to sound like a dick or like I think I'm better than other people, but this next sentence will come off that way because it should.  If you like the Scary Movie franchise in its current state, I will never be your friend.

            If you find humor in poorly executed and dated references, terribly executed slapstick humor, or actually want to spend money on a movie that everyone with half a brain agrees is possibly the worst film of 2013, then you, sir/madam, are a horrible person who probably puts ketchup on $50 steaks.

            On to the review!

            The fans voted (all 5 of them!) and I bought a ticket for Scary Movie 5 instead of 42.  I actually blushed from embarrassment when I bought the ticket.  More embarrassing still were the 40 other people in the theater who actually decided that this was how they wanted to spend their Friday night.

            Opening with Lindsay Lohan visiting Charlie Sheen's house for nookie, the movie started low and made no attempt to go up from there.  Note: I was 19 when the first Scary Movie came out.  I actually enjoyed it because it seemed to care at least a little bit about what it was spoofing.  Also probably because I was 19.  Now it seems that those who carry on the banner of spoof movies don't even give a shit.  This latest piece of filth does nothing but try to cash in on films the writers assume people saw.

            In a perfect world, every movie referenced in Scary Movie 5 would sue the franchise for slander.  Then everyone in the world gets to punch all those involved in making Scary Movie 5.  In the face.

            The overall plot kicks off once Mr. Sheen is mysteriously murdered and his 3 children disappear.  They are found in a cabin in the woods (home to many of the worst jokes in the film) by Snoop Lion and Mac Miller (I think?) after they steal a bunch of weed from farmers in Humboldt County.

            The kids are then returned to Charlie Sheen's brother Dan (Simon Rex) and his girlfriend Jody (Ashley Tisdale) in a supposed homage to Mama.  Of course, being a shitty movie and all, the rest of the plot is filled in with ideas from Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Dan's job is that of James Franco in a film that didn't suck 50 feet of flaccid cocks), Paranormal Activity, and Swan Lake.  Yes you read that right.  While catering to the lowest common denominator, they settled on one of the more challenging films of the 21st Century as one of their primary plot devices.

            Thrown in there are dated references to Inception, Sinister, Honey Boo-Boo, Benny Hill, the new Evil Dead, 50 Shades of Grey and a whole lot of other detritus that I've fortunately already forgotten about.  And that sentence is why I was ashamed to be in the theater.  I can understand throwing in a non-horror reference to a horror spoof, especially when you're trying to lighten the mood.  What I cannot understand is why anyone would  ham-handedly force in so many unrelated films just for the sake of making every scene recognizable to the audience and somehow thinking it's humor.

            No, seriously, that's not funny.  Unsurprisingly, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg had a hand in producing this.  To be fair, the only other one of their films that I had the displeasure of viewing was Date Movie because my little brother inexplicably purchased it.  I also hated the shit out of that one and now feel confident in saying that they are horrible people. I honestly believe things like Scary Movie 5 are why other countries hate America.

            Just like Date Movie, Scary Movie 5 vaguely amused me twice.  The first time was when they did a relatively humorous, gentle mocking of Darren Aronofsky's filming method.  The second was one of the aforementioned Benny Hill-style scenes that took a crack at how one person in a relationship always hogs the bed.  For $11.00, two points of amusement in a fucking comedy is absolutely horrible.

            So if you like laughing at movies because you're really, really stupid then by all means go check out Scary Movie 5!  If my bill submitted to Congress is accepted, everyone who doesn't blush in shame while purchasing tickets will be sterilized at the door.