Scary Movie 5

            I usually try not to sound like a dick or like I think I'm better than other people, but this next sentence will come off that way because it should.  If you like the Scary Movie franchise in its current state, I will never be your friend.

            If you find humor in poorly executed and dated references, terribly executed slapstick humor, or actually want to spend money on a movie that everyone with half a brain agrees is possibly the worst film of 2013, then you, sir/madam, are a horrible person who probably puts ketchup on $50 steaks.

            On to the review!

            The fans voted (all 5 of them!) and I bought a ticket for Scary Movie 5 instead of 42.  I actually blushed from embarrassment when I bought the ticket.  More embarrassing still were the 40 other people in the theater who actually decided that this was how they wanted to spend their Friday night.

            Opening with Lindsay Lohan visiting Charlie Sheen's house for nookie, the movie started low and made no attempt to go up from there.  Note: I was 19 when the first Scary Movie came out.  I actually enjoyed it because it seemed to care at least a little bit about what it was spoofing.  Also probably because I was 19.  Now it seems that those who carry on the banner of spoof movies don't even give a shit.  This latest piece of filth does nothing but try to cash in on films the writers assume people saw.

            In a perfect world, every movie referenced in Scary Movie 5 would sue the franchise for slander.  Then everyone in the world gets to punch all those involved in making Scary Movie 5.  In the face.

            The overall plot kicks off once Mr. Sheen is mysteriously murdered and his 3 children disappear.  They are found in a cabin in the woods (home to many of the worst jokes in the film) by Snoop Lion and Mac Miller (I think?) after they steal a bunch of weed from farmers in Humboldt County.

            The kids are then returned to Charlie Sheen's brother Dan (Simon Rex) and his girlfriend Jody (Ashley Tisdale) in a supposed homage to Mama.  Of course, being a shitty movie and all, the rest of the plot is filled in with ideas from Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Dan's job is that of James Franco in a film that didn't suck 50 feet of flaccid cocks), Paranormal Activity, and Swan Lake.  Yes you read that right.  While catering to the lowest common denominator, they settled on one of the more challenging films of the 21st Century as one of their primary plot devices.

            Thrown in there are dated references to Inception, Sinister, Honey Boo-Boo, Benny Hill, the new Evil Dead, 50 Shades of Grey and a whole lot of other detritus that I've fortunately already forgotten about.  And that sentence is why I was ashamed to be in the theater.  I can understand throwing in a non-horror reference to a horror spoof, especially when you're trying to lighten the mood.  What I cannot understand is why anyone would  ham-handedly force in so many unrelated films just for the sake of making every scene recognizable to the audience and somehow thinking it's humor.

            No, seriously, that's not funny.  Unsurprisingly, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg had a hand in producing this.  To be fair, the only other one of their films that I had the displeasure of viewing was Date Movie because my little brother inexplicably purchased it.  I also hated the shit out of that one and now feel confident in saying that they are horrible people. I honestly believe things like Scary Movie 5 are why other countries hate America.

            Just like Date Movie, Scary Movie 5 vaguely amused me twice.  The first time was when they did a relatively humorous, gentle mocking of Darren Aronofsky's filming method.  The second was one of the aforementioned Benny Hill-style scenes that took a crack at how one person in a relationship always hogs the bed.  For $11.00, two points of amusement in a fucking comedy is absolutely horrible.

            So if you like laughing at movies because you're really, really stupid then by all means go check out Scary Movie 5!  If my bill submitted to Congress is accepted, everyone who doesn't blush in shame while purchasing tickets will be sterilized at the door.