2013 Movie Predictions, Part 1

            I feel that it’s about time I tell you what how I feel about 2013’s current crop of films.  Of course I can get all excited about the indie films and look forward to the Sundance and other Film Festival movies, hoping a few hits make it to me this year.  But I know that’s not why you’re here.  You’re here to see me suffer.  I know.  I’m on to you bastards.

            So this year’s 2013 Movie Predictions will focus on the films I know I’ll be watching and hope I won't be despising.  For each film I will give you a.) a short summary of what it’s about, b.) what I hope to think about it and c.) what I’ll probably think about it.

Here’s from now through June.

January:

The Last Stand – a.) Schwarzenegger returns to action movies as the Sherriff of a small Texas town.  He and a band of misfits have been tasked with stopping an escaped prisoner from fleeing to Mexico. 

b.) It’s directed by Kim-Jee-woon, creator of two of my favorite Korean films of all time; I really hope it’ll be an awesome, oddball Hollywood debut. 

c.) I think I’ll find it moderately entertaining yet eminently stupid like 95% of Schwarzenegger's repetoire.

Mama – a.) Two kids survive for years on their own in the woods.  When discovered, they are cleaned up and sent to live with their uncle.  Strange shit happens.  It may or may not be their mother.

b.) While not directed by Guillermo del Toro, he did produce it and it’s based on a very creepy short film.

c.)  Horror movie release in January.  Proly’ gonna suck.

Hansel and Gretel: WitchHunters – a.)  Look at the title. 

b.) It could be a really fun action film with actual, talented acting!

c.) It’s probably going to be another terrible Van Hellsing-type fantasy action with shit characters, shit action, and shit camera.

(Bonus January Movie:  John Dies at the End.  YOU WILL SEE THIS FILM.  THEN BUY THE BOOK.)

February:

Bullet to the Head – a.) Stallone is a hitman who teams up with a cop to bring down the guys who killed both their partners. 

b.) The trailers make it look like Stallone actually does some acting, so maybe it will be a genuine action/drama.

c.)  The trailer also takes great pains to show just how many steroids Stallone has taken.  There’s  a very high chance of this being a stinker.

Identity Thief – a.)  Jason Bateman has a woman’s name and conwoman Melissa McCarthy has stolen his identity.

b.)  Both leads are fantastic comedians and above-average actors.  Maybe that will shine through.

c.)  Maybe it won’t, because there’s nothing in the trailers to make me think I will do anything other than hate the shit out of it.

Dark Skies – a.)  A family is being terrorized by something.  Is it aliens?  It’s aliens.

b.)  The trailer is well done and it could actually be a creepy good alien movie.

c.)  Name the last good alien horror/suspense film.  *sigh*

March:

Jack the Giant Slayer – a.)  An action-adventure take on Jack and the Beanstalk.  This time the giants head down to earth for some plunder.

b.)  I really like the idea of literal David vs. Goliath adventure.

c.)  This was supposed to come out last summer. 

Oz: The Great andPowerful – a.)  In this prequel to The Wizard of Oz, we learn how ‘The Wizard’ (whom nobody gets in to see not no way not no how) got there in the first place.

b.)  James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz.

c.)  From what I understand they were unable to secure the rights to several characters, like the Tin Man, Scarecrow or Cowardly Lion.  Plus, as much as I love Sam Raimi, he’s given me more than one movie that disappointed me in the end.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation – a.) G.I. Joe is pretty much wiped out in a surprise attack by Cobra.  The survivors retaliate.

b.)  I didn’t care much for the first one but this promised to be more brutal, killing off a beloved character…

c.) …until audiences hated it and the entire film had to be pushed back 8 months to reshoot key scenes.

April:

The Evil Dead – a.)  A remake of Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead film.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, we can’t be friends.

b.)  I love The Evil Dead.  So, so, so much.

c.)  Remakes are fickle things.  Coupled with the fact that horror remakes are 99.9999% fuckass (it’s like ass but more terrible) I won’t be holding my breath.

Pain and Gain – a.)  Three bodybuilders decide to live the life of crime to get rich.  Based on a true story?(!)

b.)  Dwanye Johnson, Mark Wahlberg, Tony Shalhoub.

c.)  Directed by Michael Bay.

May:

Iron Man 3 – a.)  Come on, dude.  Fucking Iron Man.

b.)  It looks much darker and far more interesting than Iron Man 2, thanks largely in part to director Shane Black (writer of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, The Last Boy Scout, Lethal Weapons 1-4).

c.)  Honestly I don’t think I’ll hate it, but if it’s another case of diminishing returns it may turn me off wanting to see any future Iron Man films.

The Great Gatsby – a.)  Go read the book. (Also, I haven’t read the book.)

b.)  It looks like they’re taking this adaptation seriously and I do like me some period dramas once in a while.

c.)  I swear to God this was supposed to come out last month.  Did they decide it was so good it could be a blockbuster instead of an awards film?  That makes me nervous.

Star Trek Into Darkness – a.)  I have no idea what it’s about, aside from ‘lots of lens flare’ and ‘Benedict Cumberbatch is pissed’.

b.)  J.J. Abrams does us another solid, makes 2 good Star Trek movies in a row.

c.)  J.J. Abrams gives us another Super 8 where lots of people really enjoy it but can’t quite express why and everyone else just bitches about everything they didn’t like.

Fast and Furious 6 and The Hangover: Part III – a.)  We all know exactly what these are all about.

b.)  Fast and Furious 5 was better than it should have been, while The Hangover: Part II was absolutely worthless as a movie.

c.)  I compare these two because I really, honestly believe they’ll be moving in opposite directions as far as franchises go.

June:

Man of Steel – a.)  Let’s see if we can make a good Superman movie, guys!

b.)  Produced by Christopher Nolan!  Yay!

c.)  Directed by Zach Snyder!  Boo!

This is the End  - a.)  A Mars Attacks meets Attack The Block comedy where everyone in Hollywood plays as themselves.

b.)  I like every name on that list and find 90% of them to be hilarious.

c.)  Too much Danny McBride kills movies.

World War Z – a.)  The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us (again).

b.)  I loved the book.

c.)  This is nothing at all like the book.

(Also, Kick-Ass 2?  Since when?)

July:

Lone Ranger – a.)  A movie update of the old TV show, wherein a cowboy travels with his trusty Indian sidekick.  They couldn’t afford a real Indian so they got Johnny Depp instead, who now works for free if you let him keep his costumes.

b.)  Sometimes remakes and reimaginings can be fun!

c.)  Sometimes remakes and reimaginings can be shit!

Pacific Rim – a.)  Giant robots defend humanity from sea monsters.

b.)  Actually directed by Guillermo del Toro!

c.)  Giant robots and sea monsters.  I don’t care who you are, it’s still going to be a hard sell.

The Wolverine – a.)  Another prequel about what Wolverine did before he was an X-Man.

b.)  It’s actually tracing a supposedly popular and well-loved comic book arc.

c.)  Hollywood can screw anything up if given enough time.

Okay, at this point it’s more and more conjecture so I’ll give my predictions for the second half of 2013 in June once I can get more trailers and movie news under my belt.