Random Movie Roundup

I have not seen any one particular film that is worth speaking about at length, but I have seen a few—both in theaters and on Netflix—that are at least worth mentioning.

Let’s do a little bit of a movie round-up, shall we?

On to the review(s)!

Have you ever sat through a movie that was listed at 100 minutes but seemed to last 3 hours?  If you go see Broken City you can make that claim!  A movie starring Mark Wahlberg, Russel Crowe, Catherine Zeta-Jones and a half-dozen easily recognizable faces has no right to be so damn uncomfortably boring.  Even worse, in an attempt to make a ‘gritty’ crime drama, Broken City manages to make every single main character so disgusting, so hateful, so sickeningly selfish and pitiful that you are left with (almost) nobody to cheer for.

Billy (Mark Wahlberg) is a cop charged with homicide.  Even though the charges are dropped, he is booted from the force and becomes a private eye.  Years later, the current mayor of NYC (Crowe) hires him to find out who has been sleeping with his wife (Zeta-Jones).  Once Billy returns with photographic evidence that the mayor’s wife is doing something behind his back, shit hits the fan.

The problem is, by the time the story decides to be anything other than standard detective fare, the audience has already decided that the entire cast consists of nothing but douchewaffles.  Wahlberg’s character is a selfish, frightened misogynist who has no idea how to handle his feelings.  When he eventually turns to the bottle he does it with such relish that I’m forced to wonder why the film’s writers even bothered to start him off as a recovering alcoholic in the first place.  It did nothing to the story other than add another layer of loathing.

The mayor and his wife have such a hateful, petty relationship you’re left wondering why anyone would even bother staying in such a situation even if there were a political campaign involved.  The petty back-and-forth bickering is suitable for only those whose emotions never elevated beyond that of a 7^th grader. 

The police chief, the opposition, the friends, coworkers—all of them are horrible, wretched cockboxes with the exception of Billy’s secretary Katy Bradshaw (Alona Tal).  She was quite literally the only bright spot in this film, and she does not get nearly enough screen time to make up for everyone else’s stench.

Speaking of horrible, has anyone seen The Devil Inside yet?  Released last year to tepid reviews, I have high hopes that it will eventually achieve the coveted 1-star review on Netflix (it currently sits at 1.5 stars). 

A film based on the idea of the Vatican hiding possessed people that they are unable to cure could be a fascinating, potentially horrific one.  The Devil Inside is not that film.

This is yet another ‘handi-cam’ movie, but instead of found footage, it pretends to be a documentary as Isabella (Fernanda Andrade) travels to Rome to visit her mother nearly 20 years after Mom (Suzan Crowley) murdered 3 members of the church during an exorcism gone wrong.

Let’s just get this straight.  Everyone sucks.  The acting sucks, the lines suck, the actors suck (with the exception of Suzan), and there are only two scenes out of the entire 90 minute film worth even watching.  One is when they try to perform a ninja exorcism on Isabella’s mother.  The other is completely unrelated to the main plot and involves the exorcism of a young Italian girl.  (That one was fun to watch thanks to contortionist Bonnie Morgan playing the role of the girl.  Check out her IMDB picture and see if you can strike the same pose.)

The Devil Inside only got 1 star from me because Netflix does not let me give out decimals.

And a few Netflix quick-hit reviews just for you, gentle reader:

SerialKilling 101 (a.k.a. Serial Killing 4 Dummys) stars Lisa Loeb at 30 as a teenager, and it’s creepily convincing.  The movie itself is ridiculous, but just the right amount.  It’s entertaining without actually being good.  Also, Thomas Haden Church totally got snubbed by the Oscars for his role as the gym teacher.

TheQueen of Versailles, which I may do a full review of someday, is about billionaire David Siegel and his family.  When they started filming, it was going to be about the fact that the Siegel’s were building America’s largest home.  Then the market crash of 2008 occurred, and the documentarians were content to focus on how the family adapted to no longer being ‘insanely rich.’

Most fascinating is Siegel’s wife, Jaqueline, who is 30 years his junior and has given him 8 children.  Simultaneously spoiled and well-meaning, she is truly the heart and soul of the film and watching her cluelessly interact with the world around her is mesmerizing.  The Queen of Versailles does a good job of demonstrating that even the fantastically wealthy have problems and issues, yet still shows just how warped their reality is.  I don’t hate these people, I pity them.

Finally, if you have yet to watch Canadian TV show Todd and the Book of Pure Evil then you are doing yourself a serious disservice.  I have not enjoyed a TV comedy this much in years.  It has a lot in common with David Wong’s books John Dies at the End (now a movie!) and This Book is Full of Spiders in that they are all hilarious, screwed-up, occasionally disturbing takes on the horror genre. 

In Todd and the Book of Pure Evil, four high school kids have to deal with the ridiculous and dangerous outcomes of a cursed book granting wishes to their classmates.  Enemies include doppelgangers, a sentient penis, even a murderous guitar riff.  So far every episode has been both original and hilarious.  Hell, when Jason Mewes plays the wise janitor role you know you’ve got something special on your hands. 

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

            Movie theaters down here smell like sweat, popcorn and seat cushion farts.

            On to the review!

            This weekend I was going to shoot for two movies that had the potential to be terrible:  Hanseland Gretel: Witch Hunters and Movie43.  After watching the first, I'm not sure I have the energy to be angered by the second.

            Ostensibly, Hansel and Gretel shows what happened after the Grimm's Fairy Tale ended.  Yeah, they killed the witch by tossing her in the oven.  But then what?

            According to the title, they go on to become witch hunters.  All grown up, they now travel the land and eradicate witches wherever they find them.  Cool, premise, right?  Yes but they somehow managed to turn it into an 88 minute snoozefest.

            Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is an issue of a script so bad, no actor can make it better.  Jeremy Renner is supposed to play Hansel as dim-witted, gruff, and fight-happy.  Yet for some reason, he gives such a terrible performance that I'm convinced he's just slumming it here and trying to keep in shape for the next Avengers movie.  His sister, Gretel, is played by Gemma Arterton and this poor girl gets absolutely no help from anyone.  Here's how I think her character was fleshed out:

            "Hey guys, how do we show the audience that's she's a tough chick?"

            "Oh, I know!  Let's make her swear a lot and always throw the first punch!"

            "Cool, cool.  But still, she's a chick, so when it comes down to it, we're going to strip her of all her toughness and pride and make her a wussy woman, right?"

            "Oh yeah, of course!"

            Seriously, fuck this script.  Even the wonderfully entertaining Fammke Janssen, playing Muriel, the baddest wicked witch in all the land, couldn't do anything with her one-dimensional character.  Sure, there are other people in this movie, but fuck 'em.  Two years from now they'll all swear that they were forced to do this movie at gunpoint.

            Is there a plot?  Yeah, and there's a love interest and a plot twist and some action and blah blah blah.  You can predict everything roughly 10-30 minutes before it happens. 

            But what about the fight scenes?  Surely an action 3D movie has great fight scenes, right?

           

            WRONG.

            The fight scenes are terrible because they're all the same.  Every single fucking fight is scripted exactly like the last one.  Gretel fires her bow and misses, Hansel fires his gun and misses.  They scrap with a witch.  The witch kicks their ass but then runs away.  Gretel fires her bow again and misses.  Hansel chases after them.  Something stupid happens and the witch loses because of bad luck. 

            Every.  Damn.  Time.

            So by all means, go see this movie if you have money to burn or are so hard up for sex that you're willing to pay $8-15 to see women run around in leather pants.  Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is just another crappy Van Helsing that somehow is even worse than Van Helsing, and I hated the shit out of that movie.

Mama

            Well, I haven't gotten to see the Jessica Chastain movie I wanted to see just yet, but I did see her other current release.

            On to the review!

            Do you love your family?  Are you devoted to them?  If not, might I suggest a babysitter?  Mama offers a very clever alternative if you don't trust flesh-and-blood people to watch your children.  Just lead your them out to an abandoned, haunted area of the woods and a crazed spirit will raise your children as its own!

(Warning: may cause loss of social skills and/or horrible death.)

            Originally a short video, Guillermo del Toro liked Mama so much that he helped it become a full-fledged film.  Now 100 minutes long, it follows the horrific experiences of two girls led into the woods by their father after the market crash of 2008.  After something...unfortunate...happens to him, his children spend the next several years being raised by something they call 'Mama.' 

            Having never given up hope, the girls' Uncle Lucas (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) continues to pay two men to search the last known whereabouts of his kin.  It finally pays off, but the girls have gone nearly feral.  The oldest, Victoria (Megan Charpentier), regains her social skills relatively quickly.  But since the younger girl, Lilly (Isabelle Nelisse), was a baby when she was abandoned, she never quite learns how to be anything other than a wild child.   Literally.

            To complicate matters, Lucas' girlfriend Annabel (Jessica Chastain) isn't exactly ready to settle down and raise a family.

            Oh yeah.  Also complicating matters is that Mama does not appreciate having 'her' children taken away.

            The best parts of Mama play with imagery.  Much like Sinister, sounds and half-seen events are the most unnerving parts of the film. 

            Unlike Sinister, the 'creature' is eventually given too much screen time.  While Mama never stops being creepy and disturbing in appearance, some of the scare wears off the more you see it. 

            Additionally, the movie does suffer from a final act that appears to be everything you expect it to be and becomes a bit too predictable.  It does salvage some respect with an unexpected ending, but by then I was already a bit bummed out by the final 30 minutes.

            Final verdict?  Much better than I could have hoped for, especially considering this means I like the first two January films I've seen!  So go see Mama if you love horror and/or hate children.

The Last Stand

            I'm starting 2013 off by being pleasantly surprised.  Dare I hope this sets the tone for the year?

            On to the review!

            Almost a decade ago, I picked up a Korean movie that scared the everloving shit out of me.  Though to this day I'm not sure what the hell I saw, I still gleefully recommend it to any and all fans of horror.  Then last year I finally got around to watching a strange comedy/action/western by the same director and really enjoyed it.

            Imagine my surprise when I found out that Jee-woon Kim, director of two of my three favorite Korean films (A Tale of TwoSisters and The Good, The Bad, andthe Weird) was making his English-language debut with none other than Ahhhnold Schwarzenegger.

            Here's what The Last Stand has going for it:  An excellent cast, at least on paper.  Arnold is Sherriff Ray Owens.  Forest Whitaker plays FBI Agent John Bannister.  Luis Guzman is a deputy.  Johnny Knoxville is gun-obsessed Lewis Dinkum.  Peter Stormare plays Burrell and chews all the scenery.

            It's also got a decent budget for special effects and an escape vehicle so sleek and sexy that even though I'm not a car guy, I kinda want to dry hump it.

           

            Here's what The Last Stand has going against it:  This is Arnold's come-back movie after a very notorious time in his life.  Nobody knows if he can pull in an audience. 

            It's basically a 'debut' film, because even though Jee-woon Kim has directed movies, Hollywood is its own beast.

            Well, you already know what happened.  The last Stand made me laugh my ass off while enjoying a fun little action movie.

            The basic premise is that third-generation Cartel leader Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) is being carted to Federal Prison in the dead of night by Agent Bannister and his team.  Something goes wrong, and he is freed by his goons in the middle of Vegas.  Conveniently, his goons had stolen a Porsche Zero-One. (If I remember correctly.  Again, I'm not a car guy.)  Cortez takes off in the specially modified Porsche and the chase is on.

            Meanwhile, Burrell turns up in Summerton Junction, Sherriff Owen's town.  Owens doesn't like the looks of Burrell, and his suspicions are confirmed when it turns out that Burrell and his men are helping Cortez escape to Mexico.

            It all comes to a head in an excellent, 30-minute fight/chase scene pitting the best mercenaries Cortez can buy against Owen's rag-tag group of Deputies. 

            What I like the most about The Last Stand is that it never quite does what you expect, even when it does.  For a light, action-packed, often-funny film, there is just enough underlying darkness to keep you guessing as to who will or will not die.  Even when you can predict what's going to happen, you're often wrong in how it happens.  This keeps the movie fresh and entertaining until the last reel.

            While Mr. Schwarzenegger may be an ageing star, I really appreciate him showing his age.  He actively acknowledges his advanced years throughout the film and even though he's still an 'Action Hero,' he no longer moves with the same speed and agility.  He may be the hero, but this hero knows he needs help.

            Go check out The Last Stand if you want to see what a good action movie looks like months before a good action movie usually comes out.

2013 Movie Predictions, Part 1

            I feel that it’s about time I tell you what how I feel about 2013’s current crop of films.  Of course I can get all excited about the indie films and look forward to the Sundance and other Film Festival movies, hoping a few hits make it to me this year.  But I know that’s not why you’re here.  You’re here to see me suffer.  I know.  I’m on to you bastards.

            So this year’s 2013 Movie Predictions will focus on the films I know I’ll be watching and hope I won't be despising.  For each film I will give you a.) a short summary of what it’s about, b.) what I hope to think about it and c.) what I’ll probably think about it.

Here’s from now through June.

January:

The Last Stand – a.) Schwarzenegger returns to action movies as the Sherriff of a small Texas town.  He and a band of misfits have been tasked with stopping an escaped prisoner from fleeing to Mexico. 

b.) It’s directed by Kim-Jee-woon, creator of two of my favorite Korean films of all time; I really hope it’ll be an awesome, oddball Hollywood debut. 

c.) I think I’ll find it moderately entertaining yet eminently stupid like 95% of Schwarzenegger's repetoire.

Mama – a.) Two kids survive for years on their own in the woods.  When discovered, they are cleaned up and sent to live with their uncle.  Strange shit happens.  It may or may not be their mother.

b.) While not directed by Guillermo del Toro, he did produce it and it’s based on a very creepy short film.

c.)  Horror movie release in January.  Proly’ gonna suck.

Hansel and Gretel: WitchHunters – a.)  Look at the title. 

b.) It could be a really fun action film with actual, talented acting!

c.) It’s probably going to be another terrible Van Hellsing-type fantasy action with shit characters, shit action, and shit camera.

(Bonus January Movie:  John Dies at the End.  YOU WILL SEE THIS FILM.  THEN BUY THE BOOK.)

February:

Bullet to the Head – a.) Stallone is a hitman who teams up with a cop to bring down the guys who killed both their partners. 

b.) The trailers make it look like Stallone actually does some acting, so maybe it will be a genuine action/drama.

c.)  The trailer also takes great pains to show just how many steroids Stallone has taken.  There’s  a very high chance of this being a stinker.

Identity Thief – a.)  Jason Bateman has a woman’s name and conwoman Melissa McCarthy has stolen his identity.

b.)  Both leads are fantastic comedians and above-average actors.  Maybe that will shine through.

c.)  Maybe it won’t, because there’s nothing in the trailers to make me think I will do anything other than hate the shit out of it.

Dark Skies – a.)  A family is being terrorized by something.  Is it aliens?  It’s aliens.

b.)  The trailer is well done and it could actually be a creepy good alien movie.

c.)  Name the last good alien horror/suspense film.  *sigh*

March:

Jack the Giant Slayer – a.)  An action-adventure take on Jack and the Beanstalk.  This time the giants head down to earth for some plunder.

b.)  I really like the idea of literal David vs. Goliath adventure.

c.)  This was supposed to come out last summer. 

Oz: The Great andPowerful – a.)  In this prequel to The Wizard of Oz, we learn how ‘The Wizard’ (whom nobody gets in to see not no way not no how) got there in the first place.

b.)  James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz.

c.)  From what I understand they were unable to secure the rights to several characters, like the Tin Man, Scarecrow or Cowardly Lion.  Plus, as much as I love Sam Raimi, he’s given me more than one movie that disappointed me in the end.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation – a.) G.I. Joe is pretty much wiped out in a surprise attack by Cobra.  The survivors retaliate.

b.)  I didn’t care much for the first one but this promised to be more brutal, killing off a beloved character…

c.) …until audiences hated it and the entire film had to be pushed back 8 months to reshoot key scenes.

April:

The Evil Dead – a.)  A remake of Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead film.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, we can’t be friends.

b.)  I love The Evil Dead.  So, so, so much.

c.)  Remakes are fickle things.  Coupled with the fact that horror remakes are 99.9999% fuckass (it’s like ass but more terrible) I won’t be holding my breath.

Pain and Gain – a.)  Three bodybuilders decide to live the life of crime to get rich.  Based on a true story?(!)

b.)  Dwanye Johnson, Mark Wahlberg, Tony Shalhoub.

c.)  Directed by Michael Bay.

May:

Iron Man 3 – a.)  Come on, dude.  Fucking Iron Man.

b.)  It looks much darker and far more interesting than Iron Man 2, thanks largely in part to director Shane Black (writer of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, The Last Boy Scout, Lethal Weapons 1-4).

c.)  Honestly I don’t think I’ll hate it, but if it’s another case of diminishing returns it may turn me off wanting to see any future Iron Man films.

The Great Gatsby – a.)  Go read the book. (Also, I haven’t read the book.)

b.)  It looks like they’re taking this adaptation seriously and I do like me some period dramas once in a while.

c.)  I swear to God this was supposed to come out last month.  Did they decide it was so good it could be a blockbuster instead of an awards film?  That makes me nervous.

Star Trek Into Darkness – a.)  I have no idea what it’s about, aside from ‘lots of lens flare’ and ‘Benedict Cumberbatch is pissed’.

b.)  J.J. Abrams does us another solid, makes 2 good Star Trek movies in a row.

c.)  J.J. Abrams gives us another Super 8 where lots of people really enjoy it but can’t quite express why and everyone else just bitches about everything they didn’t like.

Fast and Furious 6 and The Hangover: Part III – a.)  We all know exactly what these are all about.

b.)  Fast and Furious 5 was better than it should have been, while The Hangover: Part II was absolutely worthless as a movie.

c.)  I compare these two because I really, honestly believe they’ll be moving in opposite directions as far as franchises go.

June:

Man of Steel – a.)  Let’s see if we can make a good Superman movie, guys!

b.)  Produced by Christopher Nolan!  Yay!

c.)  Directed by Zach Snyder!  Boo!

This is the End  - a.)  A Mars Attacks meets Attack The Block comedy where everyone in Hollywood plays as themselves.

b.)  I like every name on that list and find 90% of them to be hilarious.

c.)  Too much Danny McBride kills movies.

World War Z – a.)  The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us (again).

b.)  I loved the book.

c.)  This is nothing at all like the book.

(Also, Kick-Ass 2?  Since when?)

July:

Lone Ranger – a.)  A movie update of the old TV show, wherein a cowboy travels with his trusty Indian sidekick.  They couldn’t afford a real Indian so they got Johnny Depp instead, who now works for free if you let him keep his costumes.

b.)  Sometimes remakes and reimaginings can be fun!

c.)  Sometimes remakes and reimaginings can be shit!

Pacific Rim – a.)  Giant robots defend humanity from sea monsters.

b.)  Actually directed by Guillermo del Toro!

c.)  Giant robots and sea monsters.  I don’t care who you are, it’s still going to be a hard sell.

The Wolverine – a.)  Another prequel about what Wolverine did before he was an X-Man.

b.)  It’s actually tracing a supposedly popular and well-loved comic book arc.

c.)  Hollywood can screw anything up if given enough time.

Okay, at this point it’s more and more conjecture so I’ll give my predictions for the second half of 2013 in June once I can get more trailers and movie news under my belt.

Netflix Roundup! Iron Sky, Bernie and V/H/S

            How's this for narcissism?  I'm writing about what I've been up to while listening to myself on a podcast.  Now if only that commissioned painting of myself was complete...

            So here's the deal.  I am MOVING.  In one month, I'll be driving 1700 miles, looking for a place to live and searching for a new internet provider.  This means that there will be a decent gap in updates.  Just think of it as holiday break part 2.

            Because of my crazy schedule, I may not be able to get to the theater for new films.  However, I promise that you will have something new to read every Sunday and Wednesday from now until Feb 13.

            For today, here's a nice little round-up of several decent movies that have hit Netflix.  Something for everyone!

On to the review(s)!

Iron Sky - As noted last year, I was really excited for this one.  Nazi's in space?  A Sarah Palin lookalike as president?  Camp and a classic Sci-Fi B Movie feel?  Why did they not just mail me a copy, knowing that I wanted to see it. 

            So how was it?

            Ehhhhh.....could've been worse.

            If you've never heard of it, it came out in the spring of 2012.  Starring nobody in particular, the new President sends the world's first Black man to the moon.  They venture to the dark side and discover that the Nazi's had built an outpost there, where they are now raising successive generations of brainwashed German children.  Upon destroying the 'invading' U.S. ship and capturing the *gasp* Black man (Christopher Kirby as James Washington), they find that his cell phone is enough to power their weaponry, allowing them to finally achieve their goal of world domination.

            Here's the problem.  For such a campy film, they tried too hard to juggle close to half a dozen plotlines.  When it stayed zoomed out as a campy 'Nazi's vs. Earth' film, it was lots of fun with many well-imagined special effects.  However, every time we zoomed in to the two (TWO!) love triangles, the movie stuttered and spit all over the place.  The only entertaining storyline was Washington's struggle with being a white man after the Nazi's 'fix' him.  Oh, those wacky, racist Nazis.

            So Iron Sky isn't a bad movie per se, but I believe that if I had seen it in theaters I would have been very, very disappointed.

Bernie - Jack Black tries his hand at drama and succeeds swimmingly.  In fact, this movie stars not only Mr. Black, but Shirley MacLaine and Matthew McConaughey.  So where the hell did it come from?  I honestly don't know.

            Released in 2011, Bernie is 'based on a true story' involving a (possibly) closeted homosexual assistant funeral director in a small Texas town.  He marries the town's rich widow and (spoilers?  no, it's in the damn summary) kills her.  However, he's so popular in the town that people are willing to either overlook his actions or actually shrug and claim that she deserved it for being such a horrible person.

            Jack black is incredibly nuanced as compared to his usual roles.  I'm actually going to go ahead and say that this is his Punch Drunk Love.  It's fun, kinda funny, and oddly compelling.

V/H/S - Here's your horror kick!  V/H/S is not actually a straight-up movie but a collection of short films put together with only one overarching theme: amateur filmmaking.  One of the short films ties the others together, involving a group of guys who are paid to break into a man's house and steal a particular VHS tape.  The other films all show up as they are sifting through a huge collection of tapes, trying to find the one they're after.

            Out of the six shorts, I really enjoyed three of them.  One was okay until the ending, and only one fell flat.  Interestingly enough, I disliked the overarching one the most as the guys were all super-douche assholes, making it hard to really care what happened to them.

            I really really liked the first one, Amateur Night, about a group of guys picking up girls at the bar and getting more than they bargained for.  Second Honeymoon was the one that fell flat for me, but there were a few moments of genuine tension.  Tuesday the 17th was cool, and I liked the idea of a monstrous killer that couldn't be caught on film. 

            The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger made awesome use of Skype and it was actually the only one that gave me a genuine creep-out moment.  Too bad the ending was just not good enough when compared to the rest of it.  Finally, 10/31/98 showed off some excellent haunted house effects and the way it ended was great.  The short film that surrounds all this is called Tape 56 and, well, meh.

            It's rare that I enjoy any anthology film, so when I say this is good, I think you'll enjoy it too, with two caveats.  It's all handheld, so if you get motion sick easily, stay away.  Also, it is all horror but they run the gamut from monsters to murderers to the supernatural.

            Finally, I want to thank the guys at X-Strike Studios for having me on their end of the year podcast!  These guys are awesome and their podcasts are always fun to listen to.  If you want to know what we all thought about the best and worst of 2012 in movies and video games, check out my guest appearance on X-Strike's Tripleradio right here!

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 If you like it, devour all their podcasts at http://x-strikestudios.com/tripleraidio/media/.