Total Recall

            After taking nearly two weeks off, I’ve learned a few things about my little film review blog.  First, I genuinely missed typing out my opinions, quips, and comments, then posting them to the interwebs.  I guess after you do something regularly for 18 months, you start to look forward to it.  So, like video games and pornography, I’ve made Mainstreamin’ a pleasurable habit.

            Secondly, I feel like Mainstreamin’ has made me a quicker thinker, or at least a thinking quip-er.  I’m sure some of you would like to argue this, but I believe my writing has gotten tighter, my jokes are slightly less lame, and my style has definitely improved.  I only ramble when I want to, damnit!

Finally, my movie IQ has risen.  I’ve always loved movies, but writing about something forces you to pay better attention to it. I’m still able to lay back and enjoy the spectacle, but after writing about film, I feel like I’ve trained myself to notice film.  Yeah, that explosion was sweet, but did you see they accidentally switched which hand was holding the detonator?  These are things I would never have noticed before.  Thankfully, I don’t let it pull me out of the movie, but it’s cool to actually see these multi-million-dollar filmmakers are just as fallible as the rest of us.

            And speaking of fallible multi-million-dollar movies…

On to the review!

            Do you fondly remember 1990’s awesomely schlocky action extravaganza starring Arnold Shwarzenneger, Total Recall?  I can’t say it was a good film by any means, but it had all the characteristics of a ridiculous, entertaining action movie.  Blood, violence, Ahhhnold beating up people, outer-space asphyxiation, and a woman with 3 breasts.  Also, Kuato.

            Well, Hollywood decided that, while entertaining in its own special way, that Total Recall wasn’t fit to be the definitive Total Recall.  You see, the story came (loosely) from a Philip K. Dick short story titled “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale.”  Hollywood felt it was too loose an adaptation, as Mars was never a factor in the original story.

            Bring on the remake!  Bring on the reimagining!  Bring on Colin Farrell!

            Whatever they brought on, there are more problems with the remake than there were for the earlier version.  For all the changes they made from the last film, just enough is the same to render any and all plot twists completely unsurprising, and almost every change seems to be for the worse.  Hands down the biggest mistake they made was neutering the film down into a PG-13 action spectacular.  Yes, PG-13 movies have a better chance at being a hit, as that 13-17 year old male demographic tends to show up when explosions and beautiful women are on offer.  (Kate Beckinsale as Lori Quaid and Jessica Biel as Melina most certainly take care of the beautiful women quotient.)

            Unfortunately, PG-13 action movies have to make sacrifices in order to maintain that lower rating: the action.  Too much violence gets you an R.  Easy enough, let’s throw in synthetic police officers, so we can kill ‘em bloodlessly!  Then we’ll make sure everyone else dies from bloodless wounds or explosions!

            Well, ok, sure.  But no realistic death makes the entire film feel less realistic, and the lack of consequences from the violence leads to a ridiculous amount of bystander casualties.  Seriously, I’d say at least 200 people die who just happen to be at the wrong time and place.

            Anyhow, plot.  After years of chemical warfare, only Great Britain and Australia (The Colony) are habitable.  Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) is an unhappy wage slave living in The Colony, who travels The Fall daily and works in an assembly line putting together synthetic cops.  (The Fall is a transport that travels in a straight line through the middle of the planet, making the trip from The Colony to Great Britain in roughly 20 minutes.)  Quaid decides that life sucks, so he hits up Rekall, a place that implants false memories.  This way you can pretend you’ve lived a more exciting life than you actually have.  Quaid's dissatisfaction with life leads him to choose the super-spy memory package.

            From there, both the original and new Total Recall hit the same notes.  Some people want Quaid to think he’s still back in Rekall, others want him to help them free an entire group of citizens  (Mars or the Colony) from the evil, greedy clutches of someone else (this time it's Great Britain).  At least the new antagonist is Bryan Cranston, who seems to bring the awesome to every role he takes.

            Since this is getting a bit long, let me summarize.  Plot: Goofy, but not in a good way.

Acting:  Meh.  Fight scenes:  Disjointed, uninspiring.  Actors aside, they could just as easily be from The Island, I, Robot or any other lame, PG-13 action flick.  Plot twists:  What plot twists?

            In fact, the only truly awesome part of Total Recall is the scenery.  There has not been such a marvelous, dystopian future on screen since Blade Runner.  Unfortunately the rest of the film does not do the scenery justice.

            While not a total shitfest of a movie, Total Recall version 2.1 is a completely pointless remake.  No changes add to the film, and it’s pretty much a fluffy, meaningless romp where you don’t really care if Quaid’s life is real or not.  Just go play yourself some Deus Ex if you want to experience a luscious world that actually has a fun, interesting plot.