Killers

Killers

Note:  Any spelling errors are unintentional, but I don't care.  I refuse to spend any more time on this movie.

On to the review!

            My imagination only works so well.  I simply cannot ever believe Ashton Kutcher is amazing assassin and Katherine Heigl is not a bitchy shrew.  I also cannot believe that Mr. Kutcher would ever settle for an older woman....oh...wait.

            This is a very all-inclusive movie.  Every person watching it will probably hate it, because every aspect of this film is pretty much terrible.  Here are just a few examples:

Acting:  There really isn't any.  Catherine O'Hara and Tom Selleck are the only remotely bright spots.  They play the Katherine Heigl's parents, and we're pretty sure that it was real alcohol Mrs. O'Hara was chugging, just to get through her scenes.

Writing:  Terrible gun/penis jokes, boring conversations, worse scenes.

Action:  Hackneyed, hard to believe, and too cartoony.  It doesn't know if it wants to be a gritty Bond film or a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Continuity:  Joe Cam had to check Wikipedia just to find out how much time had passed between the 'proposing to Tom Selleck's moustache' scene and the 'hey look they're in a house now!' scene.  It isn't addressed until roughly 10 minutes into the second act.

Everything:  Everything pretty much blows.  It's not fun, it's not funny, the action scenes are not very good, the chemistry is terrible between all of our couples, and not a single minor character adds shit to the film.

Plus, the movie is so very, very predictable...not in a good way.  Then, just to piss on your complaints of it being predictable, the dumbest plot twist ever happens.

Rather than just go into examples of how terrible this film is, I'll just feed you lots of comments.

Comments:  (All movie quotes are in italics.)

"You are contractually obligated to watch Katherine O'Hara and Tom Selleck talk about fucking on an airplane."  "Because it's all downhill from there."

"Look at that Katherine Heigl.  Even your parents hate you."

"Yup.  Nothing suspicious about taking pictures sideways while wearing sunglasses and a trench coat."

"He's reverse 007.  He gets naked before the mission and then finds a woman to bang."

"No little Kutcher for you......that just sounds dirty, doesn't it?  'Little Kutcher."  "Do you say that to a guy or a girl?"  "You would say it to Chaz Bono."

"Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl."  "I hope that makes your list of quotes dozens of times."

"Unless you have something better to do."   "Yeah, like watch a better movie."

"Every time you kill someone you just hear the Kelso laugh."

"...and thousands of civilians died from the fallout of that crash."  "The magic of screen wipes."

"I was gonna trim my cuticles during this movie so I can at least feel like I accomplished something."

"Where the fuck was he hiding that thing?"  "In his little Kutcher!"

"Wait...how long have they been married?  Did I miss that?"  "I thought we were still in France....apparently the engagement is over."

"You're not funny, Rob Riggle!  Get off the movie!"

"Did he just have to convert hugs and kisses to binary?"

"He just Googled that shit!"  "I wanna see where Bond Googled his shit."

"This movie has been brought to you by Apple."

"That is a professional moustache.  That moustache is not fucking around."

"We're 40 minutes into this movie and I still don't know what's going on."  "You are the luckiest man on the couch right now."

"Rob Riggle yell!" 

"I kinda wanna see a Rob Riggle sex tape.  Would it just be an hour of him standing around, screaming?"

"Did anyone think in their lifetime that there would be a knife fight between Ashton Kutcher and Rob Riggle?"  "Did anyone think in their lifetime that someone would expect us to take it seriously?"

"Why did I marry a banshee?"

"This is Battle Mode from Mario Kart."

"Rob Riggle got punked!"  "Heaven got 47 times louder that day."

"She's oddly okay with all this."  "She can't say no to those killer abs."  "Hahaha, get it?  Killer abs!"  "Hahahaha....I'm not writing that down."  "You should totally write all of that down.  It's a Katherine Heigl movie, we don't have much to work with here."

"I really thought Usher had better things to do."  "Than work at K-Mart?  No...he has nothing better to do."

"There is nothing sexier than Katherine Heigl gumming a Slim Jim."  "She's pretending it's a Little Kutcher."

"I'm pregnant, mood swings, RAWR!"

(Louise Griffin voice.) "Come on Peter, get in the car, we have to go kill the neighbors."  "Damnit Meg, this is all your fault."

"I think Tom Selleck's moustache and William Shatner's toupee should team up for a buddy cop show."

"That is not a moustache, that's a pedostache."  "No, it's a Mexistache."

"If each generation's moustache gets successively smaller, does that mean their child is going to grow up to be John Waters?"

Special thanks to Joe Cam and Splync (a.k.a. Cancer Boy) for helping talk me down off the ledge.

To show my thanks, here you go guys:

"Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl.""Die in a fire, Katherine Heigl."