Star Trek: Into Darkness

            I still like last night's twitter joke: How do you make your kid a Star Wars fan?  Show him the very first Star Trek movie.

            Come on.  That's funny.

            On to the review!

            Of course, since pretty much anyone interested in seeing Star Trek went and saw StarTrek: Into Darkness over the weekend (or on its oddly early Wednesday release) I really didn't have to worry about getting a timely review up.  This is good because there's no way to put up a convincing yeah/nay review without spoilers.  Since I don't have to convince anyone to see or avoid it, here's my spoiler-free opinion.

            First off, Star Trek: Into Darkness is freaking gorgeous.  This is the sort of future that everyone wants to live in.  Every building's architecture is ballin', the spaceships are sexy, and even the corridors look like they were hired by a modeling agency.

            In J.J. Abrams' second installment of the franchise reboot, Captain James T. Kirk (Chris Pine) is still the Captain of the Enterprise, albeit one who seems to have a hell of a hard time playing by the rules.  His crew still include Spock (Zachary Quinto), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), Bones (Karl Urban), Scotty (Simon Pegg), Sulu (John Cho) and Chekov (Anton Yelchin).  We're introduced to a newcomer later in the movie in Carol (Alice Eve) who is important.  I know this because she is not wearing a red shirt, and all newcomers in non-red shirts are important.  Shut up that's not a spoiler.

            Unsurprisingly Kirk gets into trouble with Starfleet almost immediately, but before he can learn any sort of lesson about humility a mysterious stranger (Benedict Cumberbatch) shows up and starts to make things explode that aren't supposed to explode.  At this point we get to spend the rest of the film buried in mystery, action and intrigue.  And explosions.  So many explosions.

            I am quite impressed with Abrams' ability to rewrite the history of Star Trek while still staying true to the idea.  In both of his films he's kept the heart of the originals while still throwing in his own twists and tweaks.  This second outing, I feel, is much closer to the 'perfect' film that was The Wrath ofKhan than his first try, but that ends up being both the movie's strength and weakness.

            The Wrath of Khan is arguably the best movie in the entire franchise's history, and that makes it a tough sumbitch to go up against.  Abrams does his best and takes quite a few risks, some that pan out and others that don't.  No, this is not a remake, but nor is it a reimagining.  It is something different yet similar.  If that makes any sense to you then I'd like an explanation.

            There are still some downsides.  One, there is way way waaaaay too much plot crammed into this film.  Because of twist after twist after twist, there is absolutely no room to breathe during its entire 144 minute run time.  Yet, despite being over two hours long there is jack shit for character development.  These guys aren't the well-loved and decently known actors from the original series, who had several seasons of TV under their belt before the movies were even made.  These are fresh guys with fresh lives yet most of them will undoubtedly remain two-dimensional for as long as the reboot lasts.

            Finally, and this was the most disappointing part, Into Darkness is predictable.  I don't mean you know how it's going to end, I mean you know how it's going to play out in nearly every scene.  This takes away from some of the magic of seeing how great a job was done in rebooting such a storied franchise.  If you're a fan, don't let it stop you, but don't expect its predictability to be a boon, either.  A few of the later twists are so damn silly you may be wishing you hadn't seen it coming.

Possession

            Between a local softball tournament, schoolwork and my inherent laziness, I have not yet had a chance to see Star Trek: Into Darkness.  What I have had a chance to see is a batshit insane film from 1981.  It apparently has a strong underground following as a cult horror film, but it isn't so much a horror as it is horrifically crazy.  It is a movie so far removed from the mainstream that I had to order the Korean import DVD just to see it.  It's name is Possession.

            On to the (weird) review!

            The first thing you'll notice when you watch Possession is that Sam Neill is both very young and Irish.  Those are two facts that I have never associated with him, since my first encounter with the veteran actor was in Jurassic Park.  The second thing you'll notice is that all the acting is hilariously, horribly overwrought. 

            The plot starts out relatively benign.  Mark (Sam Neill) returns home from some sort of espionage trip to find that his wife Anna (Isabelle Adjani) wants to leave him.  Though she will not readily admit it, she has found another lover in the polyamorous Heinrich (Heinz Bennent) and no longer wishes to spend time with Mark.  Mark does not take this well, nor does he think this will go over well with their son Bob (Michael Hogben).

            The first 30 minutes or so of the movie reminded me of Audition simply because it was more of a drama that later devolves into something very different, although comparisons to Antichrist are also apt since it's all about two people losing their minds within a disintegrating relationship.  Interestingly, after that it becomes more Hellraiser or Dopplegangerthan anything else, because this movie is fucking nuts.

            If I could create a collage of Sam Neill's facial expressions throughout the film, I would make a coffee table book out of it and sell it to theater actors.  Whenever the scene calls for him to be remotely sensible, he goes off the deep end, and when the film actually needs him to show emotion, his face remains flat.  Isabelle Adjani is no better, as I'm surprised the woman didn't rupture a blood vessel in her throat from all the screaming.  Heinz has it the worst, however, as he is forced to play one of the creepiest third wheel's I've ever seen.

            Basically, Possession has everything you want in a French film.  A good location (Berlin), a ridiculous premise (Anna's dark secret is just, well, ridiculous), acting that's better suited to an off off off Broadway production, and just enough of a twist to make you question the sanity of the writer and director.

            Needless to say this is not the sort of movie you rent on a Saturday afternoon.  No, this is the sort of movie that you only want to view when you're in the right state of mind and are willing to turn to your friend two hours later and loudly, angrily exclaim "What the fuck did you just make me watch?"

TripleRaidio Summer Movie Spectacular!

            I have a confession to make.  It's hard, but I must come clean.

            Are you sitting down?  Good.

            I have not seen a terrible, horrible, no good very bad movie on Netflix in almost a month.  Sure, there were a few stinkers, but nothing has filled me with righteous fury.

            Fortunately, what I HAVE done recently was guest in a podcast!  Yes, I managed to not screw up my first guest appearance back in December, so the wonderful crew over at X-Strike Studios asked me to help them dig through the crowded field of films that are set to debut between now and the end of August!  

            You can listen to or even download the podcast right here.  Now, instead of spending just a few minutes reading my usual Wednesday article, you can enjoy over 90 minutes of movie experts* dissecting over three months' worth of movies and telling you what to see and recommending what to avoid!  

            Even better, all the members of X-Strike--Tim, Rory, Juese and Dave--have magical vocal properties**!  Just pop in this here podcast, and it will make you better at whatever it is you are doing***!  If you want to run, it will help you run 10 times faster than you ever have before***!  If you want to relax, this podcast will make you so relaxed you'll become one with your couch****!  

            So do yourself and the world a favor.  Check out the podcast and get addicted to our amazing knowledge of film then stick around the X-Strike site for more podcasts about all things awesome, as well as their new, fantastic, improv podcast!  

*None of us are experts.

**No they do not.

***No it will not.

****Well, maybe.

The Great Gatsby

            Warning: I have not read 'The Great Gatsby' nor did I know anything about it going into the weekend.  My small rural school did not make it required reading nor did my 20 year fantasy/sci-fi bender slow down long enough for me to catch up on what is widely considered to be an American Classic.  For better or for worse, I will be judging the movie as a movie.

           

            On to the review!

            The first thing I have to say about The GreatGatsby is centered on the director, Baz Luhrmann.  He directed one movie I love to watch when I need to shut my brain up, Moulin Rouge, and another movie that I don't mind at all, Romeo+ Juliet.  He has a very, shall we say, distinct style in that everything he does is incredibly loud and bright as fuck.  There is not a single color in the goddamn spectrum visible by birds that Baz has failed to use in his films.  He is a bright, ostentatious, over-the-top sort of guy.

            This is fine for a movie like Moulin Rouge where even when things get serious the film deliberately relies on overacting, melodramatics and ridiculousness.  It is not, however, fine for a film that involves any sort of subtlety.

            The Great Gatsby is a narrative within a narrative.  It is told from the point of view of Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) who has moved to New York City to try his hand at the stock market.  He rents a tiny cabin in a very ritzy area, which puts him right next to Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio).  Gatsby happens to throw giant parties every weekend, where a veritable who's-who of New Yorkers show up just to get drunk and revel.  Eventually, Nick is invited and ends up befriending Gatsby, impressed by his kindness and honesty.  Little does Nick realize, however, that Gatsby has an ulterior motive.

            For those of you who have not read the book, I do not want to spoil anything else, as it is a decent story.  For those of you who have read the book, you don't need me to tell you what happens next. What you want to know is, is it worth paying money to see this adaptation? 

            No, no it is not.

            Here's why:  While the party scenes are most definitely Baz Luhrmann (loud, ostentatious, over-the-top) the rest of the movie suffers under his heavy hand.  The bright colors may be useful for the bright scenes, but when the script turns dark he has no idea what to do.  Even during some of the most dramatic moments one cannot help but laugh at how ridiculously cartoonish the entire world looks.  It's almost as if he tried to recreate the set of Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

            On top of that, the characters are given a little bit too much free reign to overact.  While DiCaprio again amazes me with his acting ability, Tobey Maguire falls flat a few times, giving the wrong faces for the wrong scenes.  While he makes up for it towards the end, the middle part is frustratingly difficult to put up with.  The same goes for Carey Mulligan as his cousin Daisy Buchanan.  Both her and Joel Edgerton (as Daisy's rich husband, Tom Buchanan) are caricatures of people.  It's downright frustrating to watch.

            Then there's the soundtrack.  While his mix of old and new worked great in Moulin Rouge his attempts at recreating that same sound here are laughably terrible.  Rather than modernize that amazing 20's sound, Baz went and took all the new rap, hip-hop and rock he could find and tried to cram it into a 20's setting.  No, throwing in a jazz trumpet does not automatically make something sound old-school. 

            Basically, The Great Gatsby is a giant mess.  Overwrought, overdramatic, overacted, overmusic'd (that's a thing now), over colored and overly ostentatious.  I think I'm gonna go read the book now.

Dirty Sanchez: The Movie

            Someone, somewhere, recommended I check out a film based on the fact that I enjoy pranks, comedy, and Jackass.  Now if only I could remember who so I could throw a golf ball at their testicles.

            On to the review!

            Dirty Sanchez is the Welsh/English version of Jackass.  In 2006 they rode the wave of 'people doing stupid shit to themselves' popularity and made Dirty Sanchez: The Movie.  However, whereas the cast of Jackass and even The Dudesons were more into ridiculous stunts and goofy, rarely mean-spirited pranks, the boys of Dirty Sanchez are all about being as disgusting and pain-inflicting as possible.

            The four members are Matthew Pritchard, Lee Dainton, Mike Locke and Dan Joyce and in the span of 90 minutes they inflict enough pain on themselves and each other to send a dozen elderly ladies into shock.  Yes, Jackass had 'stunts' like drinking sweat and tying a bottle rocket to a penis, but they were always interspersed with sillier, goofier stunts.  The boys of Dirty Sanchez don't like silly.  They go for shock and awe but often end up delivering shock and disgust.

            In order to give the movie a plot, the film opens with the boys getting ready to pull the most ill-advised stunt they can think of, ending with them all dead and at the devil's doorstep.  Satan tells them they get one more chance in life but they have to wreak havoc while living out the seven deadly sins.  These sins take them to 7 different locations throughout the world, with each country being loosely connected to a particular sin (i.e. Japan - Pride, Thailand - Lust, etc.).

            But the pranks.  The pranks.  They are mostly horrifying.  Yes, there are some genuinely funny ones.  For instance, one of the members, Mike 'Pancho' Locke can sleep through damn near anything.  Of course this means that he has to be abused while he's sleeping, and it happens often.  At one point they spray paint him green and cut up his clothes to make him look like The Incredible Hulk. 

            In another scene they convince one of the guys that there is a Guinness World Record for most times being hit with a paintball (102) and so he willingly gets shot 103 times.  He stands still in only goggles and a jockstrap as the other three take turns blasting away at him, 10 shots at a time.  (Though funny, it's still ridiculously mean-spirited.)

            Unfortunately, for every entertaining prank there are a dozen wretched, disgusting, over-the-top ones.  Like getting liposuction, then later having one member drink a tablespoon of the lipo fat.  Or slicing the tip of a finger off.  Or eating another man's vomit snot bubble.  Or getting a tattoo on their penis.  Or driving a nail through the flesh between the thumb and pointer finger for a few hundred dollars at a club.  Yes, these were all in Dirty Sanchez: The Movie.

            While I think these guys had a few great ideas, there was just too much self-inflicted harm to be funny, and for a very large portion of the film they were laughing alone while I merely cringed.  Basically, the crew of Dirty Sanchez have taken stunts a bit too far for me to want to follow on any more journeys.

Iron Man 3

            Writing a review about a movie that didn't disappoint you is tough.  Especially when it met or exceeded most of your expectations.  So think of today as 'Mainstreamin' Lite.'

            On to the review!

            I went to the 1120 a.m. showing of Iron Man 3 yesterday and guess what?  The theater was pretty packed.  Fortunately I got a decent seat and didn't have to wish I had gone to the 945 a.m. showing.  (Yes, my local theater was screening Iron Man 3 when most 20-somethings aren't even awake yet.  That's how you know you've got a money-maker.)

            Once we got through nearly 30 minutes of trailers and the film started, I was admittedly a bit worried.  An Eiffel 65 song?  Flashbacks?  Mullets?  Fortunately my fears were alleviated within the first 15 minutes and I was once again sucked into the Marvel universe.

            This time around Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) doesn't seem to have much to do with his time other than tinker with his existing suits and build new ones.  After the threat that the Avengers put down, there doesn't seem to be anyone willing to take up the bad guy mantle and threaten the world.  While that would normally be good news, the events of The Avengers rattled Stark to the core and now he has panic attacks as well as difficulty sleeping.

            This is the situation we find Stark in when The Mandarin (Ben Kingsley) starts taking over the airwaves, claiming taking responsibility for deadly explosions killing Americans all over the world.   And that's all I'm going to say about the plot.  The trailers did a fantastic job of selling an action-packed superhero film without spoiling anything and I'm going to do the same.

            As far as the actors go, everyone played their part well.  (It's actually been awhile since I was disappointed by the acting.  Maybe The Great Gatsby will break that trend?)  Robert Downey Jr. was Tony Stark, and there were a ton of fantastic one-liners.  Don Cheadle as Colonel Rhodes wasn't in this one too much, but he made the best of his screen time.  Gwyneth Paltrow was a fantastic Pepper Pots, as usual, and I really wish Jon Favreau was in more movies.           

           The special effects were unsurprisingly good, and yeah, that's about it.  Iron Man 3 was not a disappointment and the plot was better than I had expected.  They definitely made up for Iron Man 2's flat, meh plot.  If you're into superhero movies, this is a good one to start the summer with.  Now all you have to do is cross your fingers and hope that the rest of them are this enjoyable.

Iron Man 3 Preview

     I have absolutely nothing to talk about.  I have quite literally (not figuratively) spent two weeks watching nothing but reality cooking competitions.  My days are spent between working and watching other people prep food that I want to eat but am too lazy to attempt.
     So instead, I'm going to give you a peek inside my mind.  Today, for your reading pleasure, I will share with you the thoughts that I absolutely KNOW will be going through my mind during this weekend's Iron Man 3.

     On to the (pre)view?  (Note: negatives before the number indicate time before the official beginning of the movie, which has a 130 minute run time.)

     -40:00  Hell yeah I'm gonna get some sweet seats.
     -30:00 God I'm so bored I've already beaten like 85 games of Sudoku since I sat down.
     -15:00 Man I really have to pee but the previews are about to start.
     -12:00 Ugh damn fine I'll go to the bathroom since I've seen every preview twice already.
     -10:30 Shit someone took my seat damn you tiny bladder!
     -5:00   Huh, didn't see this preview before.
     0:00-  Hell yeah Iron Man 3!!!!!
     0:01 - 130:00 Hhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     130:00 Damn now I can't wait for the new Thor movie.