Taken 2

            You know what I hate almost as much as PG-13 horror films?  PG-13 action movies.  It just feels like something's missing when people are being killed 'cleanly.'  I mean, if you're fighting for your life, wouldn't you be swearing and/or bleeding?  When you get shot, do you not scream?  When you get stabbed, do you not start insulting your assailant's ancestors?

           

            On to the review!

            Taken 2, hereby referred to as Taken As Well, only exists because of Liam Neeson.  At 60 years old, he has suddenly found himself as one of the hottest action stars of the last decade.  More youthful in appearance than Schwarzenegger and Stallone (maybe it's the lack of steroids?), and far more intimidating than damn near anyone else on the big screen, Liam Neeson finds himself in a strange position where people want nothing more than to see him punch people in the face.

            This time, the father of one of Taken's victims, Murad Krasniqi (Rade Serbedzija), is out for revenge, and he gets several volunteers from his small Albanian village to help him hunt down Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson).  But of course, that's not enough, so he wants his ex-wife Lenore (Framke Janssen) and daughter Kim (Maggie Grace) to die as well.

            "Well, how the hell are terrorists going to get into America just to kidnap and kill three people?" Is what you're probably thinking.

            "Hah!"  I reply.  "Do you really think the movie won't find a way to make it work?"

            So of course Murad gets his opportunity when Kim and Lenore surprise Bryan by visiting him in Istanbul (not Constantinople now). 

            While out shopping with his ex-wife, because that's what people do, Bryan notices that they're being tailed.  After giving Lenore a play-by-play of what she needs to do, Bryan leads the would-be kidnappers on a merry chase, only to eventually surrender once he sees that they've succeeded to capture Lenore.

            At this point, his daughter Kim manages to not only evade capture, but use grenades to find where her father is being held so that she can free him.

            Once free, Bryan uses his incredible abilities (his special skills, if you will) and resourcefulness to kill everyone and get his ex-wife back. 

            Come on, it's not like I'm ruining anything for you.  You know how this ends.

           

            Of course, lots of things happen in-between, and they're all very actiony.  Faces get punched, bodies get twisted and broken, stabbings occur, a few batons are whipped around, and lots of shootings occur.

            The action scenes themselves are much like the first movie.  Hollywood is immensely in love with shaky-cam, and they're doing their damndest to make sure we the people get sick and freaking tired of it.  No, a shaky camera does not make it feel like I'm in the middle of the action.  It makes me feel like I'm confused and possibly drunk.

            The acting is fine, and Liam Neeson delivers his lines with his usual skill, but this time we actually get to see a little depth of character.  The movie starts and ends with a little slice of home life, and the character Bryan is actually fleshed out quite well.

            I can't say the same for Lenore or Kim, but that's to be expected.  The ladies of this film are not what drives ticket sales.

            While the action itself is standard, and the plot is perfectly serviceable, Taken 2 asks a very big favor from you.  It's not enough to suspend belief for 93 minutes, it asks you to pretend that common sense does not exist.

            Again:  Kim uses fucking grenades to locate her father in the city of goddamn Istanbul (not Constantinople now).  I know we Americans have a few misconceptions about the rest of the world, but seriously.  You think if a grenade went off damn near anywhere in the Middle East, people aren't going to report that shit and get the cops over there pronto?

            "Oh shit, Ceren, a fucking grenade just went off next door!"

            "Meh, don't worry about it, dear.  It's Tuesday."

            Really, Hollywood?

            Anyways, Taken As Well is exactly what you're looking for, if what you're looking for is 90+ minutes of almost non-stop action, and Liam Neeson punching people in the face.  The plot (and acting) was still better than Expendables 2 but I would really kill to get something a bit more driving behind my kidnapping plots.  Maybe Escape from New York?

Battleship

            If The Hunger Games was the start of the summer movie blockbuster season, this weekend is the start of the mindless, crappy, big, loud movie season.  Now, I don’t mind a movie that’s more spectacle than substance, but I need some substance.  Don’t serve me up a movie so full of plot holes that the entire film could have been resolved in 15 minutes if only one person in it had an IQ higher than 17.

            I think my wife said it best.  “I’m so glad Battleship is out so I don’t have to see the previews anymore.”

On to the review!

            There are so many things I want to say about Battleship, most all of them negative, that I keep forgetting some and can’t prioritize the rest.  This was an absolutely abysmal movie, both as a blockbuster and as a Navy recruitment film.  Will Smith and Bill Pullman made the Air Force look good in Independence Day.  The Army has several movies that portray them in a positive light.  The Marines absolutely cannot be messed with in real life or a fictional universe.  Sorry, Navy.  At least you still have Top Gun?

            The absolute worst part of Battleship is the fact that it actually starts well.  We’re introduced to two brothers, Stone and Alex Hopper (Alexander Skarsgard and Taylor Kitsch, respectively.)  Stone’s the respectable Navy officer and Alex is a 20-something screw-up.  They’re celebrating Alex’s birthday at a bar in Hawaii when a gorgeous woman (Brooklyn Decker, playing Samantha Shane) walks in.  One thing leads to another and Alex ends up getting tasered while trying to secure a chicken burrito for her.

            Then Alex is told he’s going to join the Navy, and things get really stupid from there on out.  On the plus side, he’s still got Samantha, right?  Well, you see, the fleet Admiral’s last name is Shane…oh shit!  The screw-up is dating the Admiral’s daughter!  And he’s Liam Neeson!  Oh snap son, you in trouble now! 

            Or at least, that’s what they were hoping you’d think.  I, instead, spent the whole movie waiting for Liam to make a broken bottle glove and punch an alien in the face.  Sadly enough, this never happened. 

            Instead, here’s what did happen:  We find a planet far away that looks compatible with human life and start send signals at it.  This is done in a hilariously terrible fashion, which had me pissed off roughly 80 seconds in to the film.  Then we get some hilariously blunt foreshadowing about the fact that any aliens who respond would probably wipe us out.  So, of course, a few years later, 5 ships enter our atmosphere.  One breaks up and crushes Hong Kong, the other 4 land in the ocean just off the Hawaiian Islands.

            Of course, since there are over a dozen countries participating in war games right there, they’re sent to investigate.  Then aliens happen, and a force field gets put up around Hawaii, trapping 3 destroyers (2 American, 1 Japanese) inside and the other 100+ Naval ships are stuck on the outside, unable to help.  This is when I lost what little interest I had, because it became so goddamn dumb.

            They kept cutting from the Pentagon to Admiral Shane and it’s absolutely clear that everyone knows what needs to be done, but NOBODY DOES ANYTHING.  The issue is that the aliens need our relays on the islands to beam locational directions up to our satellite.  That’s the only way they can communicate with the full invasion force.  They need to use our satellite.  Our satellite.  Our satellite that NASA built and controls that apparently cannot be in any way changed by NASA or destroyed by any means whatsoever.  Nope, our only hope is three destroyers.  No, wait, two…oops, no, one destroyer, now being led by a Lieutenant, because destroyers apparently have a crew of only 15 people.

            There’s my next problem.  Rather than respect the Navy and show just how much goes into running and maintaining a ship, they make it look like Raikes (Rhianna), Lynch (John Tui) and Alex can run almost every aspect of the ship, from repelling boarding action to running all weapon systems whilst simultaneously handling all the communications.  No, dude.  There’s a separate job for all of that, and while I can understand certain ‘all hands’ situations, you don’t send your damn missile control operator on a little PT boat to operate the forward-mounted minigun.  You keep her on the damn control console!

            Even worse, they do man a battleship at one point, and while I appreciate the genuinely touching tribute to our retired veterans, I really wish it had come within a better film.

            For those of you looking for Battleship: The Game references, they’re in there.  They even play a modified version of it where an officer is actually calling out grid coordinates, trying to destroy alien ships.  Unfortunately, nobody says “You sunk my battleship.”  Although, Liam Neeson does tell Peter MacNicol to basically go screw himself.  My disappointment came when Vigo failed to show up.

            I could go on and on for a few more pages, but I think you get the gist of it.  Battleship is a terrible movie, and I recommend you go see The Dictator this weekend.  It’s neither entertaining enough nor smart enough to join Independence Day, Top Gun, and Black Hawk Down as good movies sponsored by the U.S. Military.

The Grey

            I really need to finish my paper on why movie trailers piss me off so often.  I hate that production companies will completely mislead the viewer into thinking a movie is like A, when in reality, it's like B, but they don't know how to sell B.  Instead of trying to be honest, they'll just cut some footage until everyone thinks they're going to see A.  It's not like they give a shit once they've got your money.

            For example:  Adventureland.  Have you seen it?  I love the movie, but it's no light-hearted coming-of-age comedy.

            There are plenty of examples, and I'll break things down a lot more when I write the specific "I hate these damn trailers so damn much damnit" article.

            On to the review!

            The Grey was my movie of the week, and I feel that it's an appropriate movie to close out January with.  Lots of people are looking out there windows to the view of snow everywhere, so a movie about what happens when you're unprepared for the wilderness feels perfectly timed.  Unfortunately this particular movie, despite all its positives, is fatally flawed.

            There are about a dozen great, fantastic, amazing, fun, entertaining, thrilling elements to The Grey, and I will try to cover them all.  However, there are two elements that prevent this film from being something that could have contended for an Oscar in November or December.  Melodrama and special effects.

            Before I get to those, however, let's go over the basics.  The Grey stars Liam Neeson as Ottway, a man who has absolutely given up.  He has found himself on the edge of the world, guarding oil pipeline workers from wolves as they work in the Northern wilderness.  By wilderness, they really mean it.  A flight south to Anchorage looks like it takes 8+ hours.

            Of course, this being a shitty but decently-paying job, all of his coworkers are losers, jokers, drifters and ex-cons.  The sort of people who don't do well in structured environments but are still competent enough to get a job done if there's money involved.

            So it's no surprise that, when the plane crashes while taking a load of workers to Anchorage for some down time, Ottway is not only the most prepared to survive, but the only one who has any clue.  He finds himself with six other men who range in emotion from scared to scared shitless, all of whom are sick or injured in some way.  Plus, there are wolves.

            You see, they may have crashed close enough to a wolf's den that the wolves are not going to back down.  Instead, they may harass the group of survivors until they're all either 30-300 miles further away, or dead.  Dun-dun-duuuuuun!

            But therein lies one of my problems.  The Grey doesn't really need wolves in the first place.  In fact, I imagine this is how the pitch went:

            "Sir, have we got a movie for you.  Man vs. Nature.  A group of survivors crash-land in the Alaskan wilderness and have to try and survive an arctic winter while searching for civilization.  Plus, Liam Neeson agreed to be the lead for it."

            "Man vs. Nature, you say?  What sort of nature?"

            "Well, we've got blizzards, illness, injuries, snow and below freezing temperatures.  hypothermia, altitude sickness--"

            "Wolves."

            "Sir?"
            "Wolves.  Do you have wolves."

            "Well, they were going to play a minor role, since it is an arctic winter, we figured the men would be frightened and maybe hounded by some wolves."

            "No, I want these motherfucking wolves everywhere.  I want Liam Neeson to have to kill a goddamn wolf every time he takes a piss in this movie."

            "But sir, that really wasn't what we had in mind.  I mean, we were going for something like 127 Hours or Cast Away, you know, where it's just man and damn near no other living creature?"

            "Yeah, but that's some pussy shit.  Now come over here and help me snort all this coke."

            "Yes sir!  Pleasure doing business with you sir."

            And that's the story of how The Grey got too many wolves in it.  Which still wouldn't be too bad, except the wolves look fucking terrible.  When they're running they are terribly poor CGI, and when they're walking or standing still they are an equally-terrible animatronics.  You can't lose yourself to the movie when the antagonists aren't even as realistic as the kids in the It's A Small World ride.

            As for the melodrama, the film seems to recognize that and change course about thirty minutes into the movie, but it comes back with a vengeance towards the end.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that the first few minutes will test your patience.  It is nothing but drama and self-loathing, with woe-is-me voiceover work and just an incredible amount of heaviness in every scene.

            Once the plane goes down, everyone is too busy for flashbacks and monologues.  At least, until we've whittled down the survivors a little bit.  Then the drama starts to pile on again, adding too many layers to the tension.  Throw in the fact that they kept randomly ignoring the weather around them when it was convenient, and I remained just annoyed enough with the film to really lose myself in it. 

            By ignoring the weather, I mean how they complain about the weather in one scene, or comment on how they need fire or blankets or whatnot, only to ignore those needs the next night.  Plus the fact that everyone leaves their face uncovered despite the fact that, by the movie's own admission, frostbite would have taken everyone's damn nose and ears.  Add a scene where someone completely ignores a situation where death by hypothermia is the real world outcome and you've got me just irritated enough to stay grounded in the real world.

            Now, I've complained enough about what I didn't like, but I did say I really enjoyed The Grey.  The elements that I loved were plentiful.  The acting was excellent, and I enjoyed Liam Neeson when he wasn't in woe-is-me mode.  There were some amazingly brilliant lines of dialog and monologues.  The conversations and emotions felt natural, and you could imagine this is exactly how seven people would act and react in this situation.  There were a few moments of genuine thrill and terror where you truly did not know what was going to happen on screen. 

            I think only The Thing compares to just how much the weather can be a factor when you're trying to survive so far north, but of course that antagonist is a little less believable than wolves.  Like I said, I really liked The Grey, and I would recommend it highly.  I'll go so far as to say that I enjoy it more than The Edge, a similar hunted-by-animal(s) survival thriller, and state that it's much better than the Flight of the Phoenix remake.  (I have, sadly, never seen the original, so I cannot compare the two.)  All in all, The Grey is a perfectly fine dramatic thriller.  You just have to get through the first thirty minutes and then pretend that the wolves aren't absolutely ridiculous looking.