Horror Origins: The Howling

            I’ll be honest.  I watched today’s movie while shredding documents and reading Cracked.com.

            Why?  Because boring, that’s why.

            On to the (half-assed) review!

            There’s a reason that there are no huge werewolf movies in the works.  The last one, The Wolfman, tanked.  This was in spite of featuring Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins.  For good werewolf movies, pickings are slim.  An American Werewolf in London is one, Dog Soldiers another, and Ginger Snaps would be the third.  Aaaaaaaaaand that takes care of that.

            Notice how I didn’t mention The Howling?

            First and foremost, the biggest problem with The Howling as a franchise is that there is no fixed protagonist.  Vampire movies work as both horror movies and franchise films because we can identify individual vampires.  Dracula is Dracula.  Vlad is Vlad.  Bill the asshole vampire is Bill the asshole vampire.  Werewolves, however, are interchangeable as wolves, and nothing special while in human form. 

            So right off the bat, The Howling had to find a way for us to give a shit about the bad guys.  They tried by giving us a crazy serial killer named Eddie The Mangler (Robert Picardo).  In the beginning of the film, our intrepid reporter Karen (Dee Wallace) is following leads to Eddie, who wants to give her an ‘exclusive.’  Turns out he wanted to werewolf her face in, but he’s shot mid-transformation.  Karen, meanwhile, is so traumatized that she forgets the entire incident.  The scars are still there, however.  Now she can’t seem to handle being back in the television studio, so she’s sent to a retreat with her husband Bill (Christopher Stone). 

            Once at the retreat, uninterestingly named ‘The Colony,’ things get 'strange.'  Weird things start happening.  Also, werewolves.

            Fortunately, all is not lost, as Karen’s colleagues continue to look into Eddie’s past.  With the help of a werewolf-knowledgeable bookstore owner, they find out that The Colony may be something…dun-dun-DUUUN…dangerous!

            Despite sounding at least half-interesting on paper, this entire movie is boring.  Even for 1981, there’s no suspense.  Everything is predictable as hell and the special effects hurt my feelings.  An American Werewolf in London came out the same year, and the transformation scene was phenomenal.  The secret?  They knew that they didn’t have the technology to show a seamless transition, so they didn’t.  They just gave us bits and pieces, letting us fill in the rest.

            Nobody told The Howling that, so viewers are forced to watch a slooooow transformation (seriously, it’s over 2 minutes long) in which the person spends a solid minute looking like popcorn is popping under their skin.  Then…cut to terrible cartoon?

            I really can't recommend The Howling to anyone.  It’s not a good werewolf movie even by the low standards of werewolf movies.  It’s a terrible horror film by horror standards, and it’s mostly a crappy movie by any standards.  Sorry, Joe Dante, but I don't think you hit your stride until Gremlins.

           

Program note:  I’m moving.  Thanks to the useless, stupid rules in place down here, I have to disconnect my cable, turn off my account, turn in my modem, get proof of account cancellation, take that proof to the same company in another town 9 miles away, and then make an installation appointment.  

See you when I get back!

The Dark Knight Rises

            Please note:  I do not in any way want to downplay what happened in Colorado on Friday.  It was a terrible tragedy, and if you are eligible to donate blood, I ask that you try to do so.  However, my opinions of it are irrelevant.  The politics of the situation do not belong here.  This page reviews movies, and that's what you'll get.  Go somewhere else if you want to spout off an opinion about the horrid event that took place three days ago.

           

            Now, I spent an hour in a packed movie theater until the clock hit 0010 on Friday, surrounded by gossiping teenage girls, one of who was gesticulating so wildly that she almost hit me in the face.  Twice.  I didn't get home until 0315.  Because I'm an old man by 5th Century standards, my sleep schedule is still screwed up.

            Totally worth it.

            On to the review!

            In an effort to protect any readers who have not yet seen The Dark Knight Rises, I am going to present to you a perfectly spoiler-free review.

            First off, I was incredibly surprised at Nolan's temerity.  I still can't believe that he had Alfred (Michael Caine) die due to a series of unfortunate events, then have Batman/Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) blame himself and go into seclusion.  But it worked out.  Having Anne Hathaway's Selina/Catgirl become a well-meaning but misguided hero, who stopped petty robberies and protected the poor and innocent but still robbed from the rich, worked out well.  That is, it worked out well until Bane (Tom Hardy) showed up and began to unleash his master plan of turning all of Gotham into a water park.

            (Yes, every single thing there was a lie.  Calm down.)

            Since I can't really talk about the plot without giving something away, I would like to focus on The Dark Knight Rises' acting.  In short, it was phenomenal.  Christian Bale delivered a far more damaged and nuanced Bruce Wayne than we had ever seen.  Anne Hathaway's Selina Kyle was actually layered.  She brought so much humanity to the role that I was able to completely forget about Michelle Pfeiffer's one-dimensional take, as well as Halle Berry's complete fuck-up.  Additional newcomer Joseph Gordon-Levitt is absolutely amazing as Blake, a young, hot-headed cop who still believes in Batman. 

            Unsurprisingly, Hollywood heavyweights Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman all reprise their roles to perfection.  In fact, the only complaint I've heard from anyone so far is Tom Hardy's Bane.  I never read the comics, but from all the images I've seen of DC's Bane, I'm really, really, really, really, really glad we weren't given a hairy Mucha Lucha to stare at for two and a half hours.  Remember, Christopher Nolan's Batman universe is supposed to be plausible, if not possible.  A chemically-altered psychopath who stands 6'42" and has hair on his eyeballs doesn't really fit in.  However, a guy who wears a breathing apparatus because his face was fucked up in a fight could actually make sense.
            Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  Marion Cotillard plays Miranda Tate, Wayne's new love interest.  While she's my least favorite, least-fleshed-out character in this movie, she still does better than a single person in The Fantastic Four.  Boosh.

            As far as the universe goes, Nolan does a great job of keeping everything that worked from the last two films, and building on it to make Gotham an even more complete city.   I don't believe I exaggerate when I say Gotham is as integral a part of Batman's story as the characters.  This Gotham, though nearly crime-free now, is still bleak at times; decades of horror and criminal control does not so easily wash off the streets.

            What I am trying to say is, The Dark Knight Rises is a perfect end to a perfect superhero trilogy.  It's a complete film that exceeded my expectations.  It's far more nuanced than The Avengers and a better superhero drama than The Amazing Spider-Man.  I'm glad it's the last superhero film of the year, because we're going to be holding this up as the industry's new gold standard for a very, very long time.

Little Bunny Foo Foo

     Note:  I'm in the middle of moving, and I unfortunately have not had the time to watch The Howling like I meant to.  Instead, here's a bit of filler, and if all goes well you'll get The Dark Night Rises a bit early, and The Howling next Wednesday.

On to the....ummm...filler!

Copyright Jon Peters 2012

     That is Little Bunny Foo Foo.  He does not have a horror trilogy, and that's a shame.  We give a Leprechaun five films, but can't give a chance to a grittier, angrier Little Bunny Foo Foo?  I think that's a missed opportunity, Hollywood.
     Even better?  He's not the bad guy.

     Imagine a horde of wretched, horrible creatures that tear into you.  They're not powerful or particular harmful by themselves, but they use overwhelming numbers to bring down their prey.
     That's right.  Horrid, hideous, bloodthirsty mutated field mice.

     That's where Little Bunny Foo Foo comes in to play:  Field Mouse Bopper...

     It writes itself!!!

Goon

            Thanks to the 4th of July's The Amazing Spider-Man release and the push to still get movies out on Fridays, the only option here in Mississippi this weekend was the new Ice Age film.  When I began doing Mainstreamin' I said I wouldn't review children's films, and I've mostly stuck to that.  Because of that I had absolutely no idea what to write about.  None.

            Thankfully, Netflix has saved me again and I've decided to review an overlooked future classic.  I watched this film two weeks ago and was incredibly impressed.

            Now, it's not like I hadn't heard of it before, it's just that I had a hard time believing what everyone else was saying.  I like Sean William Scott, but I'm not exaggeration when I say that some people were trumpeting this as his film.

            I wasn't sure what to think, but now I'm a believer.  All thanks to Goon.

On to the review!

            In Goon, Sean William Scott is Doug Glatt, slow-witted son of Doctor Glatt (Eugene Levy) and brother of Doctor Glatt, who also happens to be gay (plot-point).  While his parents and brother embody the Jewish Stereotype (hell, his father flat-out expects it from his children), Doug is a simple bouncer whose only skill is the ability to beat the ever-loving shit out of people.

            This skill pays off while attending a local hockey game.  Doug's just trying to enjoy the game when his friend ticks off one of the players so much, the guy climbs the glass, looking for a fight.  Unfortunately for him, he hurls a few anti-gay slurs at Doug.  This leads to the entire stadium witnessing the guy's massive beat-down by Doug's hands.

            This stadium fight gets Doug a job offer on the local team, and his showcased fighting skills eventually get him a contract with the Halifax Highlanders, a Minor League hockey team.  The thing is, the part of Doug that matters to the Highlanders are his fists.  His job is to protect talented-but-skittish potential star, Xavier LaFlamme (Marc-Andre Grondin), and demolish any opponent that tries to hurt his teammates.

            Thing is, Doug may be a little dumb, but deep down he's a really sweet guy.  He fights because he wants to protect his teammates.  He often apologizes to the guys he just finished knocking unconscious, and while I can't say that violence is his last resort, he really wants to do good by people.

            I know that I'm making this out to be some sort of underdog drama, but that's only half of it.  Goon is a sports movie done in the classic old-school style.  This is 2011's The Longest Yard (1974 version, of course).  This is the sort of movie you watch if you love Slap Shot, The Bad News Bears, or Major League.

            You've got the angry coach (Kim Coates), the obnoxious best friend (Jay Baruchel), a love interest (Alison Pill, yay!), a slightly crazy play-by-play announcer,  a 'nemesis' in Professional Hockey's greatest enforcer Ross Rhea (Liev Shreiber) and all sorts of crazy teammates.

            While there are lots of hilarious one-liners and situations, Goon does what so few sports movies manage to do, especially the recent remakes (yeah, you, 2005 The Longest Yard­).  It lets the humor come naturally.  Yeah, there are all sorts of crazy people, but they're convincing.  You can see why they're nuts, and you end up thinking of them as real people, not stereotypes shoved into the film to create a couple of laughs.

            Basically, Goon is an amazing movie that could easily have come out in the 70's when sports movies still had huge balls and weren't afraid to cater to adults.  It's a loving homage to all these films that came before.  Even more surprisingly, just like his fictional counterpart, Sean William Scott proves that he can do more than most of us thought him capable of.

Horror Origins: Hostel

Did you know that director Eli Roth is on camera in the Amsterdam Hookah Bar?  I probably didn't notice him the first time I saw it because I had absolutely no idea what the hell he looked like.  Thanks to interviews and Inglorious Basterds, I can now spot a wild Eli Roth 8 times out of 10.

            Now, I've written a lot about the horror genre.  I mean hell, you're reading an entry in the 'Horror Origins' series.  I've also written a lot about the subgenre of torture porn.  For those of you who forget or haven't read my previous entries, torture porn is the horror subgenre that takes violence to a whole new and often sadistic level. 

            Yes there is often nudity in such movies, which many people confuse for the 'porn' part of the title.  However, the porn actually comes about from the fact that the 'torture' portion is so lovingly crafted.  The joke is that the directors of these films must have found the torture stuff so erotic that it was over-emphasized in far more detail and frequency than most films would allow.

            That being said, do you know what movie basically developed the modern version of the torture porn film?

            If you said Hostel, then you can just go ahead and give yourself 10 points.  10000 points can be redeemed for a free monogrammed handkerchief at the ticket counter.

            On to the review!

            The reason Hostel got so many people excited was because, for a horror movie, it was good.  (For the record, I hate that phrasing.  "Oh, it was okay, for a horror movie."  "Yeah, they were fun, for a rock band."  "Sure, it was fine, for a colonoscopy.")

            There was violence, intrigue and good acting,  It had an interesting plot, boobies, and it was believable.  This combination of events made it a hit and opened the door for other, more hyper-realistic, extremely violent films.  Unfortunately for us, those films often faltered or flat-out fell face-first on the concrete.  They always lacked something, leaving Hostel as some sort of unattainable symbol of perfection within the genre.

            It's funny to think about it that way, seeing as how it has a barely-above-average rating on most websites, and it's not like people mention it in everyday conversation along with films like The Godfather.  But for fans of the genre, it is quite possibly the best example of a good torture film.  Hostel is torture porn's Saving Private Ryan.  Sure, there are lots of other similar movies, many of them good, but both manage to epitomize exactly what makes a great movie great within the boundaries of their respective genres.

            You know what?  I've tried three times now to talk about what happens in the film and have failed miserably every time.  The fact that I don't think the plot description matters in this review says something about both the film and the genre.  As much as I love horror films, many sub-genres do tend to get very predictable, and torture-porn is more predictable than most. 

            Plus, you already know if you'll like Hostel and nothing I say will change your mind.  You either enjoy crazy, violent films or you have no interest in being within ten feet of the DVD case. 

            For fans, the biggest shames surrounding Hostel are its sequels and the failed hype it brought to the genre at large.  I can think of very few examples of a sequel failing so fantastically.  What made Hostel so popular was, in part, its fresh plot.  People being kidnapped and then murdered by bored rich people willing to pay for a rush?  That's freaking insane! 

            Oh, wait, the sequel is going to be that same exact thing?  Meh.

            On top of that, the industry as a whole didn't really know what to do with Hostel's success.  It's hard to make direct imitations of a movie that has such a limited scope, but it's also a lot of work to keep things fresh in such a specific genre.  Unfortunately for us, Hollywood is arguably much better at pumping out look-alikes than they are at staying fresh.  Yeah, a lot of the blame falls on us for spending money on such material, but it still sucks all around. 

            Sure, Human Centipede and a few other films tried to be like big Uncle Hostel, but they mostly failed at being either entertaining or good, oftentimes both.  While Saw did come out a year before Hostel, it was not nearly as depraved a film.  (I will agree that the later installments are far more violent than Hostel but they keep forgetting to make the movie interesting.  Or good.  Or worth anyone's time.)

            So, if you want a good example of the genre that doesn't take it too far (I'm looking at you, A Serbian Film) but still has enough violence to make you squirm, you can't go wrong with Hostel.  Unfortunately, as a series it did not show any staying power.  In fact, I'm genuinely surprised they made it to three.

Halloween

            There are likely hundreds of 'great' movies that I have yet to see.  The problem with the word great is that it's so subjective.  Whether or not a film is good depends on who you talk to.  Some people may be upset that I have yet to watch The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly whereas others may take offense when I mention that I haven't seen SixteenCandles.  As far as I'm concerned, there are only about a dozen classics that I really, truly want to see.

            Halloween was the biggest, and quite likely the only, horror movie on that list.

            I've mentioned before how the late 70's and early 80's seems to have been the horror film heyday in America.  The ratings system had let go of Hollywood's balls and more and more of our films were being release with adult content.  Of course, for the longest time that just meant nudity and swearing (see: every hippy film from 1965+).  Then, it was B movie actions, then B movie horrors.  Suddenly, mainstream horror films were getting in on the action of throwing blood everywhere.

            This is not one of those films.

On to the review!

           

            Halloween opens with a death in the neighborhood, and the only blood you see is on the dead body and a little on the knife.  I'm fairly certain I've had paper cuts that bled more than the victim did, despite her 20 stab wounds.  That's not what matters, though.  What matters is that a deranged little kid is knife-wielder.

            Cut to 15 years later, and it's now Halloween, 1963, and the little kid is a big, frighteningly powerful mental patient.  Michael Meyers is his name, and, oh yeah, he just escaped.  Oops.

            While no genuine reason is ever given, the doctor in charge of Michael's therapy, Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasence) just knows that the Meyers boy is obsessed with the scene of the crime.  All that boy wants to do is go back home and maybe kill a few more people.  Unfortunately, Dr. Loomis is having a hell of a time convincing anyone to help him.

            Meanwhile, the very same neighborhood that was Michael's stomping ground is now home to three lovely young ladies.  Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis), Lynda van der Klok (P.J. Soles) and Annie Brackett (Nancy Kyes) are just three teenage girls who have shit to do tonight, and they want to relax and have fun while doing it, as teenagers are wont do to. 

            Of course, by 'shit to do,' I mean two of them have to babysit and the third wants to get trashed and bone her boyfriend.

            On a side note, I would really like to know just how far the 'if you have sex in a horror movie you will die' trope goes back.  Seriously, I think this horror movie staple existed before horror movies did.

            Anyways, back in Halloween land, the girls find themselves encountering a creep in a station wagon throughout the day.  Chalking it up to a harmless weirdo or overenthusiastic Halloween aficionado, they shrug it off and go about their business.  Of course, once night falls things take a turn for the worse.

            What I love most about Halloween is its sadistic obsession with creating tension.  The music will build and the scene will go exactly how you expect it to go, but then nothing happens.  Nobody gets hurt, the killer doesn't show up.  Okay, well, maybe they're going to do it now?  Nope, just more tension. 

            What director John Carpenter does with Halloween is brilliant.  He created this world where you know exactly what is going to happen from the opening moments of the film.  So in order to deliver any scares, he has to let the entire film simmer.

            And oh, what a slow, slow simmer it is.  This movie luxuriates in making you guess when the next victim is going to meet their end.  The only thing promised is that death won't happen the moment you expect it to.  No, that was just a tension builder.  The real thing is just around the corner...maybe.

            As a horror movie, it relies on genuine human emotion for its scares.  There are almost no 'boo' moments, and like I said before, there isn't really any blood or gore to speak of.  Halloween is frightening because it's about a silent, psychotic killer who patiently and methodically goes about removing innocent people from their pulses.

            Michael Meyers is what sets Halloween apart from the other crazed killers of the 70's and 80's.  He is patient.  Yes, the first Friday the 13th saw the killer taking advantage of situations, but mostly opportunistic.  Meyers is like a skilled trapper, setting everything up just right and attacking when his prey is at its weakest.  This was a huge difference when compared to people like Freddy, Leatherface and Pinhead.  Those guys just wanted you dead.  Meyers didn't want you to see it coming.

            Just like that, I didn't see how much I'd enjoy this film coming.  While it doesn't have the ridiculous excitement of Critters or the clever twists that characterized the first few Nightmare on Elm Street films, Halloween is a super-serious film about a super-deadly killer.  The problem is, everything hinges on playing it straight, making Meyers deadly, yes, but still human.  Once the later films make him out to be something more, they stop being scary and just start getting silly.

Oh yeah, did I mention the music?  

The Amazing Spider-Man

            The moment it was announced that Spider-Man was going to undergo a full reboot, the world groaned.  “We all know the origins,” yelled the huddled masses.  “Spider-Man came just came out a decade ago.  Hell, it’s responsible for kick starting the current Marvel movie franchise.  Seriously, can’t you just pick up where he’s 30 or something?  Find a different storyline!”

            I was definitely one of those angry voices in the crowd masses.  There are so many Spider-Man stories out there; it seemed a waste to make another 2-hour movie about his origins.  Couldn’t Marvel have selected one of the many fantastic stories involving adult Peter Parker?

            At the very least, couldn’t they have cast someone who wasn’t almost 30 to play the teenager?

            I’ve since learned that our fears were unfounded, and that the guy they cast was perfect for the role, Dr. Who hair or no.

            I’ve also learned that people shouldn’t take a bored, hyperactive 5 year-old to a 136 minute film.

            On to the review!

            TheAmazing Spider-Man is 2012’s answer to 2002’s Spider-Man.  Gone are Tobey Maguire, super-whiney Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi.  While I have and will always love most Sam Raimi films, his take on Spider-Man always had a tint of whimsy and it always seemed too self-aware, as if everyone walked around with a knowing half-smirk on their lips.  By allowing a new director to take the helm we’ve been given a chance to see the Spider-Man universe through a much more realistic tint.

            Marc Webb primarily did music videos before directing the only other film to his credit.  That film turned out to be 2009’s amazing (500) Days of Summer, which, on a completely unrelated note, you should watch.  Fortunately for us, despite his relative freshness to the world of mega-movie franchises, he has displayed a very deft hand and given us a whole new world to explore. 

            The one argument that was made by many, many people when the Amazing Spider-Man trailer dropped was that it looked too much like another gritty reboot.  Honestly, it looked to me like Marvel to imitate Christopher Nolan’s Batman films.  I’m here to tell you that I was absolutely wrong.  Yes, it is more realistic.  No, realism does not automatically imply grittiness.

            At the start of the film we’re given a very quick introduction to Peter Parker’s real parents, as a very young Peter discovers a break-in at their home, causing mom and dad Parker to flee the house, leave Peter with his Aunt May (Sally Field) and Uncle Ben (Martin freaking Sheen), and then die in a plane crash. 

            Cut to ‘now’ and Peter is a fantastically awkward high school teenager, whose only talents seem to be photography and being a brainiac.  Neither of these talents endears him to his fellow High School students.  (Peter Parker is now played by 29 year old Andrew Garfield, who has the sort of face that will get him carded for cigarettes when he’s 50).  It doesn’t much matter to him, however, as the only person he wants to notice him is the lovely Gwen Stacy, played by the lovely Emma Stone. 

            Once we’ve gotten through the awkwardness that is Peter’s normal day, the plot picks up.  Peter discovers some old paperwork of his father’s that concerns combining human and animal DNA.  This was apparently an attempt to help people heal from untreatable injuries.  This leads him to Oscorp to seek out his father’s old partner, Dr. Connors (Rhys Ifans).  Then yadda-yadda, radioactive spider, super powers, blah blah blah.

            At this point Marvel tries something different.  Whereas the 2002 Peter Parker sort of reveled in his newfound powers and spent time letting it go to his head, the 2012 version spends a lot of time trying to adapt to it.  This time our character wants to understand just what the hell is going on, rather than reacting like he just won the lottery.

            Don’t get me wrong, there’s still an incident between Peter and his tormenter Flash Thompson (Chris Zylka), but this time it actually serves a purpose aside from simple showing off.

            Then comes the moment we all knew was going to happen.  Due to a series of very unfortunate events, Uncle Ben is gunned down.  Thing is, Peter got a good look at the assailant and he becomes a sort of vigilante, desperately wanting to bring his Uncle’s killer to justice. 

Unfortunately for him, the city of New York doesn’t take kindly to vigilantism, so Captain Stacy (Denis Leary, also Gwen’s father) declares Spider-Man a wanted criminal.

At this point, poor one-armed Dr. Connors jumps the gun on his experimentation in an attempt to regrow his arm.  He only does this because the Oscorp suits follow through with their threat to begin human trials of the new drug.  As we all know from the trailers, it doesn’t quite go right and he is transformed into The Lizard, and also a raving psychopath.

All if this happens in the first 90 minutes or so, leaving the last 45 minutes for plot fulfillment and fantastic action scenes.  The special effects are amazing, and I have to admit that I was glad I went to the 3D version as it really, truly added to the spectacle.  I think 3D is starting to get used enough that Hollywood has worked a lot of the kinks out of the system, and action spectacles are the best place to show off the technology.

Most importantly-- even more important than how well filmed the fight scenes are-- is the fact that everyone in this movie acts.  Yes, it’s Martin freaking Sheen, but holy crap he is Uncle Ben.  Every person cast for their role falls into it so well that you are rarely distracted by all the well-known big-name actors. 

Like I mentioned before, this film is realistic.  I mean that in the sense that everything flows naturally.  Everyone reacts in ways that are believable, and no part seems forced.  While there are moments of heroism, they make sense to the situation.  I was really and truly enraptured for the entire length of the film.  Despite the best attempts of distraction by someone’s very bored, very young child sitting next to me who enjoyed kicking the side of his armrest or doing bicycle kicks, I still loved going to the theater for this film.  On the plus side, that kid’s going to have some killer leg strength when he grows up.

I would like to now go on record as having enjoyed The Amazing Spider-Man even more than I enjoyed The Avengers.  Every piece of this movie fit perfectly into the larger puzzle, and I’m very excited for the sequel.  Yes, Marvel finally got their Batman Begins, because just like Nolan’s movie, Webb has made a film so fantastic that you can barely remember the films that came before it.

Ted

            It’s obvious that Seth MacFarlane loves pop culture.  If you have seen a single episode of Family Guy, American Dad or The Cleveland Show, then you know that he can’t go more than a few minutes without referencing popular culture.  Be it a relic of the past or something that happened last week, he will often find the thinnest excuse to break away from the plot and make his wisecrack.  The big question is: how does that translate to the big screen?

            Pretty well, actually.

On to the review!

            I’m not the first to say this and I won’t be the last-- Ted is exactly what That’s My Boy failed in every way to be.  They both have failed child stars who grow up to be wastes of life, they’re both foul-mouthed, and they’re both, forgive the term, Bromantic Comedies.  Yes there is a love interest, but it’s secondary to the relationship between the two male protagonists.

            What Ted does right, however, is that it manages to weave an entertaining plot around all the jokes and shenanigans.  If romantic comedies were this willing to let actual adults talk like actual adults, I would probably watch more of them.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this movie is dirty.  It swears all the fucking time, and there are many unnecessary gay/dick/rape/violence jokes you’ll think you walked into a medium security prison.  The thing is, none of them are done to shock the audience.  Every quip occurs through natural conversation.  None of it is forced.  In fact, it feels as if you simply happen to be following around two clever, foulmouthed friends.

            Ted begins with an introduction that almost overstays its welcome.  We witness meet a friendless young John Bennett as he struggles to make friends.  Then, one fateful Christmas Day, he receives a teddy bear and cleverly names it Teddy.  That night he wishes that Teddy were real and his wish comes true, bringing Teddy to life. 

At this point most movies would simply take us to the present.  So I will give Ted credit for not stopping there.  It instead goes on to show Teddy on the cover of magazines and a clip from his appearance on the Jonny Carson Show.  It takes pains to show Ted as a popular ‘child’ star who charms the world for a few years before being forgotten for the next big thing.

The entire intro has hilarious voiceover narration done by none other than Patrick.  I like to hope he really enjoyed his role, because he gets to go on tangents about Apache helicopters and shitty child stars.

            NOW we cut to several years later, and 35 year old John (Mark Wahlburgh) holds down a shitty job at a rental center and lives with Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane).  While he is dating beautiful Lori Collins (Mila Kunis), he hasn’t grown up enough to consider settling down.  At this point the film does a good job of immersing you in his bum-around life, introducing you to both John’s and Lori’s coworkers, but in a way that lets the story develop around them without the whole “oh hey let’s cram all these character introductions into your eyeholes so we can get on to the next part.” Ted’s secondary characters are played by such notable comedians as Patrick Warburton, who may or may not be part of an underground gay fight club, boss Matt Walsh, who is totally friends with Tom Skerritt, and Joel McHale as Rex, Lori’s rich douche of a boss who won’t take no for an answer.

            Once we’ve gotten through the introductions, we are reintroduced to the fact that John and Lori’s relationship cannot take the next step until Ted and John move apart.  Ted moves a few blocks away and gets a job as a cashier at a local food mart, despite his attempt to bomb the interview.  Here we learn that even though they’re now blocks away from each other, John is still too addicted to fun, and he consistently and hilariously fails to put Lori’s needs above Ted’s wants.  This also includes a coke-fueled party with his hero, Flash Gordon (Sam Jones).

            What I like the most about Ted is its ability to juggle two primary plots and seamlessly weave them throughout the film.  While Lori and John are having their problems, Ted is being stalked by Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) who suffers from a case of the stalkers and wants Ted to be his son’s plaything.

            Yes, Ted does delve into some seriously crude humor.  The thing is, MacFarlane tops Sandler by giving you all kinds of humor.  Hell, this man was able to seamlessly integrate a shot-for-shot remake of the bar scene in Airplane.  Unlike Sandler, it’s obvious that MacFarlane not only loves comedy but is willing to actually add to it through homage and original humor, rather than recycling the same fart jokes over and over. 

            The one argument that I can see being made is that Ted is misogynistic.  If you’re looking for it, you will definitely find it.  Mila Kunis is the only major female character, and there’s no indication of her having any real friends.  Ted does get a love interest in the middle of the film, but she’s a one-joke character who only gets one speaking scene and it’s pretty painful.

            I can’t tell you to just relax and enjoy the movie, because if you’re bothered by foul mouthed humor, dick jokes, terrible people and a dash of misogyny, then this film is not for you.  However, for people that don’t mind a lot of swearing and enjoy clever comedy, Ted is the best film to come out of Hollywood for a long time.  While not quite as clever as Airplane, it certainly has a bit of an Abrahams/Zucker feel to it.  I’ll put it way, way, waaaay above anything Sandler has done inthe last ten years.