Horror Origins: Critters

            There’s something to be said about the fond memories of a movie you loved as a child.  There’s also something to be said about watching that movie a decade or two later.  Sometimes everything works out just fine.  The Stuff was still hilariously terrible twenty years after my preteen-self encountered it.  Then there’s stuff like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, a film that I remember loving the shit out of when it came on TV in the early ‘90’s.  So of course, I hit up the ol’ Netflix and eagerly awaited the disc to come in, excitedly put it in the XBox about 35 seconds after the it arrived and…holy shit why is this movie so bad what evil hypnotist altered my memories into thinking this was a beloved classic? 

            I’ve already mentioned how subjective movies can be.  Like all art forms (especially video games) beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  But there seems to be a unique, singular feeling of disappointment that comes from ruining your own childhood memories.  Thinking something is awesome and then ruining those beliefs by foolishly trying to re-experience that excitement really sucks. 

            So where does Critters fit?

            On to the review!

            First, what the hell are ‘Critters?’  Are they mutants?  Escaped lab experiments?  Sentient furballs?  Gremlins rip-offs?  No, no, no, and maybe.

            In perfect mid-80’s fashion, they’re aliens.  You see, the mid-80’s had a hard-on for cheesy alien movies.  At the time, the original Star Wars trilogy was coming to a close and the studios absolutely had to capitalize on that.  Hence, the creation of The Last Starfighter, Flightof the Navigator, Critters, Mac and Me, and many, many more movies.  (I am in no way saying that any of these are bad movies.  I am saying that they’re very eighties movies.  Well, ok, Mac and Me was pretty damn horrible.)

            The aliens in Critters are Crites, 8 escaped convicts from a prison asteroid who seemingly exist only to eat.  They’re actually pretty dumb for sentient aliens that are capable of flying a space ship, but you can chalk that up to the fact that they are not only the horrific bad guys of this story, they’re also the humor.  The movie makes up for any actors taking themselves seriously by having the Crites take absolutely nothing seriously, having them provide most of the swear words and toilet humor (figuratively and literally).

            Starring almost nobody you’ve ever heard of, we focus on a family of four whose farmhouse is about to be terrorized by the Crites.  The action at home is broken up by the stoic antics of two outer space bounty hunters as they tear apart the town in search of their bounties.  That’s the whole of the plot, really: Crites try and eat everyone so they can grow big and strong, family must stay alive long enough to get saved by the bounty hunters.

            While there are a lot of people being attacked and even eaten by the savage aliens, there is very little gore.  This is a franchise that tried to extend its fan base by starting out as a PG-13 film, so while you get a lot of screaming and freaking out, much of it is off-screen.  What I still enjoy, even after all this time, is how ridiculous the whole thing is.  These guys are a foot tall.  Sure, they’ve got rows of teeth and paralyzing spikes that they can shoot like tiny darts, but it’s amazing that nothing short of explosives and shotguns can stop them.  They’re furry little bulldozers, and that’s hilarious.

            Critters is in no way a great horror film.  It’s barely manages to be scary, whether you are an adult or a preteen.  What it does manage to be is wildly inventive.  The Crites are the work of a special effects artist in a fever dream, and the way they act make them seem like hung-over frat boy stereotypes who just want a bite to eat, dude.  To think that we could be undone by the douchebags of the universe is knee-slappingly hilarious.

Despite all this, the film still manages to maintain a nice balance.  It never gets too serious, and the plot stays simple.  As far as the whole series goes, I could have done without the overarching story of Charlie (Don Opper) becoming an intergalactic bounty hunter, but everything else is perfectly okay.  (As far as everyone else goes, although Billy Zane was in the first one and Leonardo DiCaprio is in the 3^rd, there are no other recognizable persons aside from the odd character actor.)

            As a franchise, Critters gets no better, but seldom does it get worse.  It always stays true to itself. 

Next week: I have no idea, really.  The Howling or Leprechaun, hopefully.