…and now for the second part.
It’s time to discuss the ‘plot’ and the ‘acting’ within Baysplosion 3: I Can’t Write Dialog. I saw it in 2D the second time, and I can confidently state that yes, 3D makes for better spectacle, but no, it sure as hell isn't necessary. The only movie that truly should be seen in 3D is still Avatar. As an aside, what is it with good looking 3D having such terrible plots? Is it a requirement? Anyways, on to the review, part two!
The best actor in this film was Bumblebee, hands down. He had five lines and they were all audio clips from the radio. When it comes to Bay’s movies brevity truly is the soul of wit, because the more his characters talk, the less fun/interesting/exciting/making sense they are.
The film begins with (what seems like) half an hour of historical exposition as we witness the ‘true reason’ for the space race. Not only does Bay rewrite history, he also decides to combine real film recordings of Presidents past with recreations. I’m not sure if they were CGI or actors, but they were terrible, absolutely terrible. They looked just enough like the real thing to piss me off when I noticed the differences.
From there we are introduced to Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) and his new girlfriend, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), who is more gorgeous than Megan Fox and a better actress. (This is not as big a complement as you may think, since Fox can’t act. At all. Period. Seriously dude. She can’t act.) Then we spend the next 45 minutes watching Sam be a whiny, angry douchebag who can’t get a job. That’s all: almost an hour of bitching and complaining. On top of this he feels threatened by his girlfriend’s boss Dylan, played by Patrick Dempsey. It only changes when he gets a job thanks to John Malkovich, at which point he becomes a whiny, angry low-paid douchebag who feels threatened by his girlfriend’s boss.
We see the Transformers just often enough to be reminded that they exist, but barely more than that. This isn’t the third Transformers movie. This is the third ‘Michael Bay includes some robots in an action movie.’ The fact that it stars a whiny, unlikeable protagonist doesn’t help matters much. You are supposed to feel for Sam, but he just comes across as an immature, sexually threatened jerk. It’s hard to root for a jackass, no matter how hard the writers try.
The writing is the other really, really, really terrible part of the film. They give Sam a bunch of retorts and supposedly witty monologues but forget to make them funny. At least it’s a fair film—everyone gets shitty dialog. When the human bad guy’s explanation for his evil deeds is “I’m a liaison, I liaise” you just know that they’re not going for anything deep or even remotely good.
I could go on and on with specific examples, but I would hate to ruin it for the two or three people out there who go to Bay’s movies for the acting and plot. Speaking of which, the plot is cookie-cutter and completely predictable. If you don’t see everything coming from a mile away, then you’re either an actual fan of brainless blockbuster movies and are able to get lost in the spectacle or you probably attend a school for gifted children. Is that unnecessarily mean of me? Probably. Do I feel bad for saying it? Aaaactually, not really, no.
So if you liked the other live action Transformers films, check this one out. Despite its innumerable flaws, it is still better than the second one. If you want to see a good Transformers film, go back to the cartoon movie. At least that one has music by Weird Al.
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