Water For Elephants

This is the week I was dreading.  The first week in this self-avowed 'challenge' where I was already biased against enjoying the movie.  Fortunately for me, I later learned that most of the people who saw it, biased or not, did not enjoy it!

Did you know that this film was based on a very popular novel?
Yeah, neither did I.

Water For Elephants has a very basic premise:  A young man who tragically loses his family finds love in all the wrong places.  Namely, a traveling circus during the Great Depression AND Prohibition.  This movie has it all.  A violent, powerful man who has anger issues and may or may not have people killed on a regular basis.  A married woman who does not always enjoy her lot in life.  A bright young man full of passion and empathy.  Throw in a crippled old drunk who hasn't seen his boy in years, and you've got a real Oscar movie here....oh crap!  There IS a drunk old man who gets paralyzed! So how is it that this movie still stinks?

Now look, I'm not against dramas.  I really like the great ones.  The Godfather, Shawshank Redemption, Almost Famous, The Royal Tenenbaums.  These are all arguably fantastic, dramatic movies with amazing characterization.  It's the characterization part that Water For Elephants lacks.
Let me give you this handy-dandy ranking chart, showing this film's actors from best to worst:

1.)  Hal Holbrook, the really old man who plays the modern-day protagonist.
2.)  Christoph Waltz, our awesome anger-issues antagonist, August.
3.)  The freaking elephant.
4.)  Everyone who isn't the hero or the love interest.
5.)  Reese Witherspoon.
6.)  Robert 'I have three facial expressions' Pattinson.

When you're making a movie that hinges on audiences believing that your main characters are falling in love with each other despite all odds, and your love interests show more passion when dealing with the circus animals...well, you've got a recipe for making me shift restlessly.  Plus, despite the fact that the whole thing takes place in a circus, you hardly get to enjoy any of the possible fun that a circus usually provides.  Other than the love triangle, a dwarf and a drunk old man, there might as well be nobody else in this film.
Actually, I think a love triangle between the dwarf, the old man and the bearded lady would've been a hell of a lot more entertaining.
Unfortunately for Robert Pattinson, whom I will now refer to as Mr. Sparkles, we now have definitive proof that he is not the second coming of James Dean.  This man's idea of looking lovesick is most people's idea of showing everyone in the room that you're about to pass gas.  The only believable emotion I saw on his face was confusion, which I imagine came from when the director was tried to convince him that his character was somehow better than Christoph Waltz's awesomely played ringleader.  Seriously, even before they started filming this movie, everyone on set and in the audience should have known better.
At one point, Mr. Sparkles was washing off some clown make-up that had been put on him the night before.  (Never get drunk with circus folk, kids!)  Suddenly, I noticed that he had really, really red lips.  I laughed to myself, thinking that he was doing the rest of the scene with lipstick still on.  Then I saw them, bright and cherry-red, in the next scene, and the next, and the next.  What the hell?
Out of a sense of morbid curiosity, I Googled Robert Pattinson before writing this article.  Sure enough, the man has disturbingly red lips.  Combine this with his strange, pale complexion, and it's no wonder that the poor kid was chosen to play the man who would single-handedly ensure vampires are never seen as awesome and cool and violently fun ever again.  In this film it's just distracting, as it looks like he's been into his would-be girlfriend's purse constantly.
On that note, I would like to admit to the three things I have done in my life that I really, truly regret.

1. Never having a chance to date Christina Ricci.

2. Preventing an International Peace Treaty from being signed.

3. Google-ing Robert Pattinson.

In conclusion, feel free to see this movie if you actually liked Dumbo Drop.  Somehow this movie isn't quite THAT bad.  But if you want to see a fun and yet less-disturbing circus movie, check out the old black and white Freaks.