G.I. Joe: Retaliation

            Here is what I expect from an action movie: action.  Here is what an action movie must deliver in order for me to actually enjoy it: action, a good plot, a good villain, characters that show some form of development over the film's run time, character depth.

            Here's what G.I. Joe: Retaliation offered: action.

            On to the review!

            It's rare that I walk out of an action movie unimpressed with every single facet of the film.  It's unheard of that anyone should have to do that two weeks in a row.  But with last week's Olympus Has Fallen and this week's G.I. Joe, I'm genuinely frightened by how horribly low the bar is being set this year.  Throw in June's White House Down and I'm already sick and tired of shots of the flag on top of the White House.  Is this a thing now?

            G.I. Joe: Retaliation has a few things going for it, at least on paper.  A well-known cast of action movie stars such as Channing Tatum (Duke), Dwayne Johnson (Roadblock), Bruce Willis (General Joe).  On top of that, they peppered the rest of the cast with either up-and-comers or just fun cameos like RZA playing Snake Eyes' blind master (actually credited as Blind Master) and the return of Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow (go see The Good, TheBad, and The Weird if you want to see what he's like when actually called upon to act).

            Unfortunately for us entire movie is a twenty foot turd with an explosion on top.

            The plot is easily garnered from the trailers: the Joes are betrayed by someone pretending to be the President and their numbers are cut down to just a small handful.  Now they must work under the radar to stop Cobra and recover their good name.  Even with a few other subplots sprinkled in, the film is very straightforward.

            One would expect that a movie with such a simple plot would find time to develop the characters, give them depth and show the audience what drives them.  It doesn't have to be monologues, but there has to be something that motivates the characters.  Though the movie half-assedly attempts to do just that, the script and dialogue is so terrible that nothing sticks.  You are no closer to caring about the characters by the end of the film than you were at the beginning. 

            Even when it finally starts to tie everything together and unfurl the entire plot of destruction that Cobra is planning, there is still no reason to care.  One of the biggest problems with G.I. Joe: Retaliation is that it tries to go big in the beginning and doesn't know where to go from there.  The director wants the audience to believe that 'nobody is safe' but ends up making the rest of the movie 100% predictable.

            As much as I think The Expendables was a dumb, stupid action flick, it at least managed to be entertaining because of the banter and bluster of the main characters.  There isn't even any of that in G.I. Joe.  There is nothing.  It is a big black hole of an action movie.  I'm writing this review just over 14 hours after seeing it and it's already becoming a forgettable blur.

            I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that this movie will quickly fade from my memory.

            If you're really insistent on watching yourself some Joes running around and blowing stuff up while they fight off the evil machinations of Cobra, just go watch the cartoons.

Stumping for Opinions

            I was going to do a review of Holy Motors but the more I thought about it, the less I felt I could actually explain what was going on in the film, let alone why you should watch it.  Just do yourself a favor and watch Leos Carax's wonderful movie in which Denis Lavant is game for anything and everything.  It's less a film and more a collection of ideas, but those ideas run the gamut from strange to downright wonderful.

            To fill out today's critical void, I have decided to stump for opinions.  Currently, here are the next several films I intend to watch:

            Mar 29: G.I.Joe: Retaliation

            April 5: Evil Dead

            April 12: Scary Movie 5 (sob)

            April 19: Oblivion (But I'd rather see Lords of Salem)

            April 26: Pain and Gain

            May 3: IronMan 3

            May 10: TheGreat Gatsby

            May 17: StarTrek Into Darkness

            May 24: Fastand Furious 6 or The Hangover Part III?

            May 31: NowYou See Me

            Now here's where you come in.  What should I see on May 24?  Or hell, what should I see on any of these weekends?  If I have overwhelming reader requests, I'll bow down to them and actively seek out a different film.  Whether it's something you guys are curious about or if you just want to try and punish me because you're a horrible, twisted person.  I'll be fine.  I know my readership.

            On top of that, what are YOU excited for in the next two months?  What do you think will be great, and what are you expecting to fall short of expectations?  Are there any under-the-radar films you can't wait to see, or are you just ready for blockbuster season to start?  Hit me up with some comments and let me know what you're looking forward to, whether it be action, comedy, explosions, horror, drama or lens flare.

Olympus Has Fallen

            January and February are seen as a dumping ground for movies that wouldn't release well at any other time of the year.  April is when films take a tentative step upwards in preparation for the beginning of blockbuster season in May.  So what the hell is March for?

            I'm starting to think it's exclusively for decent comedies and terrible action films.

            On to the review!

            Yesterday I shelled out $11 to see Olympus Has Fallen, a new film by Antoine Fuqua, a man who has had, shall we say, his ups and downs.  He's helmed some fantastic films such as Training Day and The Replacement Killers while also giving us such forgettable movies like Shooter and King Arthur.  I'm just going to go ahead and give you a TL;DR on this one:  Olympus Has Fallen is possibly his worst movie ever.

            In it, President Benjamin Asher (Aaron Eckhart) is taken hostage by a terrorist organization that wants North Korea to invade South Korea.  There's more to it than that, but that's the gist.  Everything runs flawlessly during the attack on the White House (code name Olympus) except for one tiny little detail.  Former Secret Service Agent Mike Banning (Gerard Butler) survives the initial attack on the White House and is now freely roaming its halls, attempting to save the day and assuage the guilt he has from an earlier failure.

            Of course Banning is a one-man murdering machine and he may actually succeed at taking down a terrorist organization that successfully murdered every single Secret Service Agent in the White House.

            Basically, Olympus Has Fallen wants to be like the reboot of Red Dawn with some Die Hard thrown in by making Butler just as unstoppable as Bruce Willis.  What it ends up doing is quite literally trying to give all of America a handjob while simultaneously massaging our egos.  "Hey, even if terrorists did attack the very center of our nation, someone, somehow, will kill the shit out of them and then we'll be even stronger than before."

            The problem is, in order for this attack to have been successful in the real world, we as a nation would quite literally have to fall into a coma.  There is no other way that the sheer stupidity and lack of common sense evident in this film could ever occur.

            Now, I'm not against suspension of belief in order to enjoy a movie.  But as someone who absolutely loves war movies and battle tactics, I can only suspend my belief, not completely disregard reality.  The entire film treats everyone who is not Gerard Butler, from soldiers and police officers all the way up to Pentagon generals, as tactical neophytes.  Banning is quite literally the only person in the entire film who can do anything other than point a gun and say 'bang.'

            The worst part is that Olympus Has Fallen absolutely wastes talented actors.  Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett and Dylan McDermott are merely there to keep the movie afloat when Butler is off camera. 

            On top of that, the bad guy is so damn ridiculously one-dimensional and over-the-top that I feel like they really shouldn't have cast such a talented man in Rick Yune.  It seems like the movie wanted to make him Butler's foil just like Alan Rickman was to Bruce Willis. The problem is, Rickman had a script to work from and scenery to chew.  Poor Mr. Yune has neither of those things.

            Should you go see Olympus Has Fallen?  No, no you should not.  If you must watch an Antoine Fuqua movie that involves a good actor and lots of guns, go re-watch Tears of the Sun.  Even though that's not exactly a great movie, it's an Oscar contender compared to this.

Our Idiot Brother

            Sometimes you watch a movie on a whim.  Sometimes you watch a movie because it's from your favorite director.  Sometimes you really love the star of the film.

            But sometimes, just sometimes, you check out a movie because you're intensely curious about it.  Sometimes a film looks way outside your preferred genres but something compels you to watch it anyways.  That was the case with me yesterday.

            On to the review!

            I don't much care for feel-good movies.  They're usually too predictable for me to get into the film, and the cast generally doesn't do enough to keep me interested.  This includes most romantic comedies as well as the touchy-feely indie/comedy movie that crops up once or twice a year.  Little Miss Sunshine made me flinch just as much as laugh, and I generally avoid these types of films unless straight-up hands me the DVD and tells me to watch it.

            Fortunately, I've found one of my few exceptions.  I cannot say enough good things about Our Idiot Brother.

            In it, Paul Rudd stars as Ned, a super-positive hippie with absolutely no common sense.  The movie starts off with him selling weed to a uniformed police officer, sending him directly to jail, skipping go, and certainly not collecting $200 let alone the price of the dime bag.

            Once he gets out, he tries to go home to his girlfriend Jan (Kathryn Hahn), but she's moved on.  With little other choice, he starts crashing with family.  First his mother Ilene (Shirley Knight), then his three sisters.

            Each sister, however, has problems of their own.  Oldest sister Liz (Emily Mortimer) is having marital issues with husband Dylan (Steve Coogan), and their son River (Matthew Mindler) is a miserable child.  Sister Miranda (Elizabeth Banks) is a bossy go-getter who only wants to get ahead in her job and the only man in her life is neighbor Jeremy (Adam Scott), who she treats like a manservant more than a friend.  Finally, Natalie (Zooey Deschanel) is a free-spirit who lives with her girlfriend Cindy (Rashida Jones) and doesn't do much in the way of real work.

            Got all that?  Good.  What you'll notice, though, is that this film is absolutely studded with indie darlings and people we tend to root for more often than not.  The cast is quite literally so chock-full of actors and actresses that I like to see that it seemed almost like a ploy.  As if the film was saying "even if it sucks, you're going to watch it because you love these people." 

            Fortunately, it does everything but suck. 

            As Ned bounces around, his pure naivety and honest nature gets him in trouble with one sibling after another.  Of course nothing is actually his fault, but he is the catalyst that gets everyone else in their own personal hot water. 

            It sounds pretty simple laid out like that, but Paul Rudd is so winning in his role, and everyone else seems so perfectly cast to their character type that you can't help but smile the entire damn movie.  Even as things go to shit, you just know, deep down, that they'll get better.  But it's not the plot that is so winning, it's the cast.

            I know I often praise this person or that actress for being great in their role, but it's rare that every single damn person in a film perfectly inhabits their character.

            If you enjoyed Little Miss Sunshine or just like happy ending films, watch Our Idiot Brother, because it is undoubtedly the cream of the crop.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

            A special hello and congratulations to my friend Doug for his new position as a film critic for Next Projection!  Even though it looks like we'll occasionally be reviewing the same movies, I look forward to reading his stuff and seeing his take on things.  Do yourself a favor and check him out at nextprojection.com and follow him on twitter (@basementnoise).  In fact, I'm looking forward to reading his review of The Incredible Burt Wonderstone just as soon as I actually, ummm, write mine.

On to the review!

            First, let's get this out of the way.  The cast of The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is fun, talented and up for anything.  It looks like everyone had a really good time making the movie and they truly believed they were making, in terms of popularity, a comedic version of The Prestige.

            So it is with a heavy heart that I must state that they did not, in fact, make the sort of comedic magic movie that people will want to watch over and over, marveling at new details and wondrous spectacle.  What they did make was a stilted, sometimes hilarious and sometimes painfully unfunny film.

            Steve Carell stars as Burt Wonderstone, a world-famous magician who performs at Bally's Las Vegas every night with his partner and best friend, Anton Marvelton (Steve Buschemi).  He is so famous, in fact, that Burt and Anton have been performing the exact same damn show for a decade now and still sell out nightly.  He's rich, he's famous, he can get any girl he wants.  Also, he's a tremendous douchebag.

            After a decade of performing the same act thousands of times, fame has gone to his head and Burt is now completely insufferable.  He's such a dick, in fact, that the female assistants have even been known to quit mid-show. 

            We even get to witness just such a show, where their bickering and Burt's general self-centeredness leads current assistant Nicole to quit.  Everyone working backstage is so inured to this action that they just shrug, grab someone else, (stage-hand Jane, played by Olivia Wilde) dress her up and shove her out onto the stage.

            But it's not enough that Burt is flailing around in life and driving away his one and only friend.  He now has competition from a new, 'wave of the future' magician named Steve Gray (Jim Carrey) who is basically a not-so-subtle stand-in for 'Mindfreak' Chriss Angel.  Instead of pure magic tricks, Steve wows audiences with acts of daring and sheer stupidity, such as holding his urine for 12 days or sleeping on red hot coals.

            Things quickly go downhill from there, with Burt finding himself out of a job and without his only friend.  Can our self-centered hero rekindle his love of magic?  Can he stop being a dick to Jane?  Can anyone stop Steve Grey?

            I'm sure you already know the answers, but is it worth watching to find out just how it all happens?

            Well, yes and no.

            Again, the cast is terrific.  Steve Carell plays his spoiled, pampered, rich douchebag character flawlessly.  Steve Buscemi is genuinely fun as the awkward, endearing, slightly-clueless friend.  Olivia Wilde is fun and funny and has more than enough personality to help with the redemption arc.  Both James Gandolfini and Alan Arkin are great as the owner of Bally's and the  magician who inspired Burt, respectively.

            The problem comes down to the scenes and the pacing.  There is far, far too much introduction in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone.  Not only do we have to sit through his childhood years of falling in love with magic, we then have to watch several minutes of the duo's discovery and fame.  When we finally get to 'here and now,' many of the scenes just don't quite know when to end.  Don't get me wrong, there are genuinely funny moments here.  When we're first introduced to Steve Gray, we get to see a fantastic take on the 'extreme' magic that Chriss Angel is known for.  I laughed and giggled at several parts of the film.

            The problem is, for every really good belly laugh, there was something that made me groan in embarrassment or want to look away from the screen altogether.  It felt as if the filmmakers of The Incredible Burt Wonderstone were really reaching to fill all 100 minutes.  I think they had a great, tight, 80-minute film and realized that 80 minutes is just not enough, so they were forced to pad it out with a few too many unnecessary scenes.

            While there is absolutely nothing wrong with The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, it just feels unwieldy.  You will most likely not be disappointed if you go see it in theaters, but I personally feel that this would work much better as a rental.  You won't fell ripped off from spending one or two dollars instead of ten.

            Check it out if you like magic and special effects and don't mind being horribly embarrassed once or twice.  It certainly is not The Prestige of comedies, but it isn't a failure of a film either.

Ruby Sparks

            I'm back!  Didja miss me?

On to the review!
           

            If you could create the perfect mate and adjust their behavior whenever you wanted, would you?

            That's the question that Ruby Sparks asks.  Fortunately, the answer is messy.  Unfortunately, so is the movie.

            Ruby Sparks starts off by introducing us to Calvin Weir-Fields (Paul Dano), a talented young writer who was first published at the tender age of 19.  A decade later, he's a stern, depressed man-child with no friends and a mile-long streak of mental martyrdom.  He loathes the fact that all the girls he meets just want to get him to bed because he's a famous writer, yet he makes no real attempts to actually, y'know, meet people.

            Despite the fact that his brother, Harry (Chris Messina), does his best to get him outside while his therapist Dr. Rosenthal (Elliot Gould) actively encourages his imagination, Calvin refuses to do anything about his current lot in life.

            Then he begins dreaming about a beautiful girl.  After a few dreams he can't help himself and begins to write a love story about her.  As he gets more and more descriptive with her personality, her past, and their relationship, something strange happens.  The girl becomes real.  The girl is perfect.

            But here's the problem with perfection: it doesn't exist.  Even the most beautiful, fun, smart, loving person has their bad days.  Every relationship has its downs.  It's the nature of two people trying to share one life.  They both have wants and needs and sometimes they don't match up with what their partner wants.

            This is where Ruby Sparks both shines and horrifies.  The middle part of the movie plays out like (500) Days of Summer without the mixed-up timeline.  Calvin and Ruby are the ideal happy couple until cracks start to appear in the relationship.  While Ruby tries to deal with this like an actual adult, Calvin can't help but go back to his manuscript and start to tweak it, changing Ruby in the process.

            While the tweaks are effective, so too were the effect of those tweaks on myself (heretofore referred to as 'the audience' because damnit, I'm important).  The audience is forced to watch a selfish bastard with low self esteem try to salvage his relationship by using a cheat code rather than actually work at it.

            Without revealing too much (more), things go basically the way the audience expects.  there are ups and downs, some laughs and a lot of confusion.  That is, until the final scene.  All I am willing to say is that it takes everything the movie seemed to be saying about working on a relationship, shit on it, set it on fire, piss on it, throw it in the sewers.

            Ruby Sparks does a lot well, like not wasting small supporting roles by Steve Coogan, Antonio Banderas and Annette Bening.  It also delivered quite a few solid scenes and fantastic acting by Paul Dano.  But despite all of its gut-wrenching twists and turns, its ending quite honestly made me angry at the entire damn thing.

            Much like recent horror movies like The Last Exorcism and Paranormal Activity 3, Ruby Sparks is a movie that could have been almost perfect if they had just thrown away the last scene.