G.I. Joe: Retaliation

            Here is what I expect from an action movie: action.  Here is what an action movie must deliver in order for me to actually enjoy it: action, a good plot, a good villain, characters that show some form of development over the film's run time, character depth.

            Here's what G.I. Joe: Retaliation offered: action.

            On to the review!

            It's rare that I walk out of an action movie unimpressed with every single facet of the film.  It's unheard of that anyone should have to do that two weeks in a row.  But with last week's Olympus Has Fallen and this week's G.I. Joe, I'm genuinely frightened by how horribly low the bar is being set this year.  Throw in June's White House Down and I'm already sick and tired of shots of the flag on top of the White House.  Is this a thing now?

            G.I. Joe: Retaliation has a few things going for it, at least on paper.  A well-known cast of action movie stars such as Channing Tatum (Duke), Dwayne Johnson (Roadblock), Bruce Willis (General Joe).  On top of that, they peppered the rest of the cast with either up-and-comers or just fun cameos like RZA playing Snake Eyes' blind master (actually credited as Blind Master) and the return of Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow (go see The Good, TheBad, and The Weird if you want to see what he's like when actually called upon to act).

            Unfortunately for us entire movie is a twenty foot turd with an explosion on top.

            The plot is easily garnered from the trailers: the Joes are betrayed by someone pretending to be the President and their numbers are cut down to just a small handful.  Now they must work under the radar to stop Cobra and recover their good name.  Even with a few other subplots sprinkled in, the film is very straightforward.

            One would expect that a movie with such a simple plot would find time to develop the characters, give them depth and show the audience what drives them.  It doesn't have to be monologues, but there has to be something that motivates the characters.  Though the movie half-assedly attempts to do just that, the script and dialogue is so terrible that nothing sticks.  You are no closer to caring about the characters by the end of the film than you were at the beginning. 

            Even when it finally starts to tie everything together and unfurl the entire plot of destruction that Cobra is planning, there is still no reason to care.  One of the biggest problems with G.I. Joe: Retaliation is that it tries to go big in the beginning and doesn't know where to go from there.  The director wants the audience to believe that 'nobody is safe' but ends up making the rest of the movie 100% predictable.

            As much as I think The Expendables was a dumb, stupid action flick, it at least managed to be entertaining because of the banter and bluster of the main characters.  There isn't even any of that in G.I. Joe.  There is nothing.  It is a big black hole of an action movie.  I'm writing this review just over 14 hours after seeing it and it's already becoming a forgettable blur.

            I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that this movie will quickly fade from my memory.

            If you're really insistent on watching yourself some Joes running around and blowing stuff up while they fight off the evil machinations of Cobra, just go watch the cartoons.