I don’t really have anything of movie interest for this week. I’ve been watching fun, mindless fare like ThePirates of Penzance and various Marx Brothers films. If you haven’t seen or heard of those, my reviews probably won’t change your mind, you’re just a terrible person and you need to learn to live with that fact.
Instead I’m going to give you a few tips on how not to be a douchebag moviegoer. The big releases are on their way and more people will be hitting the theaters for air conditioned entertainment. Follow these recommendations and you’ll successfully avoid being ‘that guy/gal’ next time you go to the movies.
1. You know those cellphone warnings that every single theater has before the movie? Fucking obey them. It’s amazing how many people think “well, if I just shield it with my hands, I can totally text Tony back and see if he wants that Z-job.” No, you idiot. If you shield it with your hands, it just looks like your cellphone is behind bars, because you’re dumb, and the gaps in your fingers don’t block light for shit. Now I’m blinded by your 500 watt background and I can’t see who is getting stabbed on-screen. Guess this means you’re getting stabbed off-screen.
2. The theater is pretty empty. You can totally put your feet up, right? Don’t even think about it. I don’t care if you showered so recently you’re still wearing a towel. Get your disgusting, stinky feet off the back of the chair. You didn’t shower in your shoes, and people in sandals never seem to realize that it traps just enough foot sweat to make everyone within 10 feet vomit a little in their mouths. I recently had a guy prop his feet on the chair right next to me. Fortunately the ‘death look’ was all it took to get him to move far away. Next person that pulls this shit gets their feet tickled by an overweight white guy.
3. Nobody cares what you think about the movie. Excited by all the shiny colors on screen? Don’t want the hero to punch that guy? Think the killer’s in the next room? Good for you. Shut the hell up. If you’re an interactive moviegoer, either go see a movie late in its run when most people have already seen it, or rent the damn thing. Nobody likes it when an audience member is talking to the screen.
If you’re friends with one of these people, please be honest with them. “No, Jim, I don’t think we should see The Avengers on opening weekend, because your mouth will probably get us killed. I mean that literally, not figuratively.”
4. Don’t be a creep. If there are 10 people in a theater that seats 200, get your ass away from me. I don’t care if you have a psychological problem where you must be within 6 feet of someone or you’ll start crying. If that’s the case, you should have made a friend and brought them along. Hell, you could have even hired a call girl. I don’t care. Please just get the hell away from me.
I’m specifically talking about the times when the theater isn’t crowded. If it’s over half full, then I completely understand that strangers are going to have to sit together. Personally, I like to get to movies 30 minutes early and sit in the very back. Some people like their personal space. Don’t be that asshole that makes the stupid face and says something like “well not everyone has space issues” or “in Europe this is no big deal.” Guess what, dick? This isn’t Europe, and I have space issues. Be considerate. I was creeped out so often by people showing up and sitting down RIGHT BEHIND ME when there were less than two dozen people in the theater that I had to put my back to the goddamn wall.
Now these same assholes sit down right in front of me.
5. Shower. I don’t know why I even have to mention this, but if you’ve had a rough day of football/soccer/lifting weights, go home and shower before going to the movies. I don’t care if it makes you miss the 7 o’clock and now you have to go to the later showing. Go dick around at WalMart or something.
6. Trailers are still a part of the experience. I paid upwards of $15 to see this movie, and goddamnit I’m going to watch every single thing on that screen in rapt attention. Shut. Up. I don’t care if you’ve seen the trailer or once dated the guy who operated the boom mike in the new Disney movie. If you want to talk, please move at least 500000 feet from me until the credits have completed rolling. (I will make exceptions if you’re funny and the trailer is terrible.)
7. If you leave during the credits of a Marvel or Pixar film, I will laugh at you. If you don’t know why, ask a friend who does so they can share in the laughter.
There you have it, my seven simple tips to becoming a better moviegoer. Follow these rules and I guarantee nobody will want to fight you after the movie.
Now down in front!
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