It’s mid-January in 2012. I think it’s high time I release my hopes and dreams for the year in film. I mean, it’s never too early to talk about what hopes and dreams will probably be crushed, right?
That being said, I’m going to try and break down this year’s films into a few categories, with a brief explanation of why I put them there.
Movies that I really, really, really hope I will love the shit out of:
Chronicle (Feb 3) – Yet another superhero movie AND a ‘found-footage’ style film, it still looks really cool. The idea of three random dudes gaining super powers and then wrestling with what to do about it makes it look like a low-budget version of what Hancock failed to be.
The Hunger Games (Mar 23) – Based on the first book of a trilogy, The Hunger Games is the sort of teen novel that you can’t help but loan to all your friends, hoping they like it half as much as you did. It's also the kind of book that has you threatening to punch anyone who dares compare it to Twilight. If the movie is half as good, I’ll still love it.
The Avengers (May 4) – After years and years of set-up, Hollywood is finally ready to make what I hope will be the ultimate superhero film, Marvel edition.
Prometheus (Jun 8) – A prequel-that-is-not-a-prequel to Alien? Sign me up!
The Dark Knight Rises (Jul 20) – It’s the goddamn Batman.
Skyfall (Nov 9) – New Bond film. That is all.
World War Z (Dec 12) – The fact that zombies are getting really played out does not diminish my excitement for this Max Brooks adaptation.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Dec 14) – You shall not pass…this movie up.
Django Unchained (Dec 25) – I’m kind of bummed that I have to wait so long for the new Tarantino film. However, judging by the casting and occasional news updates, it should most definitely be worth it.
Movies that I absolutely know I will hate:
American Reunion (Apr 6) – Who the hell asked for another American Pie sequel?
The Dictator (May 11) – Just in time to make fun of dead Middle Eastern dictators, Sacha Baron Cohen decides to lowest-common-denominator his own shtick.
Battleship (May 18) – Come on, do you really have to ask?
Men in Black III (May 25) – The sequel nobody wanted. It also revealed how utterly ridiculous Will Smith has gotten.
Paranormal Activity 4 (Oct 19) – Damnit! Way to squander any goodwill I had left after your super-shitty ending to PA3. I also don’t appreciate how you’ve announced the movie before even finalizing a script.
Red Dawn (Nov 2) – Another movie that didn't need to be remade. Can anyone watch the original, super-cheesy 'America, Fuck-Yeah!' version and think that a remake without Swayze, Sheen and Thompson would be better?
Life of Pi (Dec 21) – Read the synopsis and tell me this doesn’t look like 2012’s attempt at crappy, saccharine twee.
Movies that I hope won’t be as dumb as they look:
John Carter (Mar 9) – Now, I’ve never read the John Carter of Mars books, but this just looks so overblown that it’s hard to believe it’ll be any good.
21 Jump Street (Mar 16) – It’s a movie remake of a popular 80’s TV show. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
The Three Stooges (Apr 13) – It took several years to get through production and went through about 80 different actors before finally settling on Will Sasso, Sean P. Hayes and Chris Diamantopoulos as the leads. Yeah, exactly.
Campy Movies I really hope ARE as dumb as they look:
Iron Sky (Apr 4) – Attack of the Space Nazis. Really.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Jun 22) – Read that title again and tell me you’re not expecting ridiculousness. (The video link is for the book that came out two years ago, not the movie trailer.)
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (Jun 29) – It almost looks like they’re trying to apologize for the first live-action G.I. Joe movie by making this one completely different.
The Expendables 2 (Aug 17) – Will it be even more over the top than the first one? Chuck Norris says yes!
Dredd (Sep 21) – A ‘gritty, realistic’ Judge Dredd film that claims to actually follow the comic. Please be mindlessly violent and so non-winking that I can’t help but be entertained.
Kid’s movies I want to see even though I said ‘No Kid’s Movies’:
The Pirates! Band of Misfits (Mar 30) – Come on, it’s by the same guys that did Wallace and Gromit!
Paranorman (Aug 17) – From the guy that brought you Caroline, a movie that looks just as dark and fun.
Films I’m still on the fence about:
The Cabin in the Woods (Apr 13) – A long-delayed horror film written by Joss Whedon. I’m afraid that this movie may have been delayed not because of some kind of stupidity on the studio’s end but because it’s not that good.
Dark Shadows (May 11) – I never really enjoyed the show when it used to rerun on the Sci-Fi channel. That being said, the cast list is ridiculous, so maybe it’ll be fun?
The Amazing Spider-Man (Jul 3) – Look, if you’re going to remake a superhero story that JUST completed a trilogy, why the hell are you doing the origin story? There are roughly 3 billion people who already know Spider-Man’s origin. Plus, your line about starting over younger and going back to high school is absolute bullshit when you cast a 29 year old as your lead.
Total Recall (Aug 3) – A remake nobody asked for that will be nothing like the first movie that nobody asked for. It’s hard to out-camp Ahhhnold, which is why I’m still unsure as to why they even tried.
47 Ronin (21 Nov) – Go head, look at the cast list. Dozens of authentic Japanese actors…and Keanu Reeves.
At the end of 2012 I’ll come back to this list and see if every movie still belongs in its assigned category. I would like to think I’ve nailed every prediction based on posters and previews alone, but I just know shit’s going to go horribly, terribly wrong.
What about you? What movies are you excited for? Which ones do you think are overhyped? What’s going to be the big surprise hit this year? At what point in the year do I become a sad, drooling mess?
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