Super bonus round: My wife is joining us on XBox Live (hooray $120 a year for two accounts!) and is deep in her cups o' wine.
As a bonus, we're shooting for absolute high budget schlock with Season of the Witch. You know a movie is going to be fun for all the wrong reasons when you have late-period Nicolas Cage.
On to the review!
You know what? I was wrong. Overacting, ridiculous Nicolas Cage was not present in this film. Ron Perlman was not particularly more or less badass than he usually is. Christopher Lee was plague-ridden.
Basically, this movie was 97 minutes of disappointment.
In fact, it was kinda boring. Fortunately there were 8 of us filling up the Netflix movie chat, which enabled about 500% more fun from comments than the movie offered us.
The movie basically follows our intrepid heroes Cage and Perlman as they realize the Crusades suck ass and try to run away. They get caught and are forced by Christopher Lee to either escort a witch to some location or face death. Then everything gets pretty boring.
In fact, I really don't want to talk about it, because it was just incredibly boring. Read our quotes and call it a day.
Nicolas Cage, I am disappoint.
Thanks for everyone who showed up! Full house of fun and awesome! Special thanks to my wife for being cute and ridiculous!
As always, comments in quotes are ours and italics are from the movie.
"Don't burn me! I'm not a witch! I don't weigh as much as a duck!"
"It's the city of Bruce Vilanch."
"I hate the Middle Ages." "I'm more of a fan of the awkward teenage ages myself."
"I can't hear you. Ron Perlman is in the way."
"Wow, it's so green-screen!"
"Draw your arms!" "This is hardly the time to sketch, sir."
"We've been fighting for seven months! I just wanna take a nap!" "I need a wenching break!"
"His name is Almost Russell Crowe."
"Sons of Anarchy has ruined how I view Ron Perlman. He should be on a motorcycle, shooting all these people." "Dude, this is a Nic Cage movie. That's Act 3."
"Christopher Lee got some really bad Botox."
"This is a comedy, right?" "It's a buddy comedy. Just wait until they get the black knight." "Is he played by Martin Lawrence? I hope it is." "Yeah, they learn to set aside their racial differences." "Racial differences between Ron Perlman and Nic Cage?"
"Nicolas Cage is so crazy he can just pull fruit out of thin air." "Are we sure he's not a witch?"
Kid swings the sword while holding the blade. "You're doing it wrong!" (Shouted by several people simultaneously.)
"I can totally imagine the reaction of the people. They'd be all like *gasp*" "Oh nooooo."
"You don't sleep in a plague town. You stay away from a plague town. I'm pretty sure it was a Bruce Springsteen song."
"Even this guy, from half a town away, felt the disappointment of the previous scene."
"It's black plague spooge. Ewwww."
"I didn't know the dog from Resident Evil was in this. Where's Wesker?"
"Meh."
"I thought Cage was gonna make out with his horse for a minute. I was really interested, and the horse looked kinda concerned."
"Push harder! What is your problem?" "I wish I didn't hear my wife say that so often."
"This better save his life, 'cause that's Ron Perlman's juice." "I think we should be in a stagecoach, selling it from town to town. Come buy Ron Perlman's Juice! It will give you the power of a thousand men!" "Or two Ron Perlman."
"I'm not gonna lie. I just imagined them killing all the wolves in Twilight."
"He's doing what comes naturally..." "Masturbating."
"I just realized something. Why is Ron Perlman the most levelheaded person right now?"
"Sorry, I'm not in to little Welsh boys."
"I think the moral of this story is 'Nicolas Cage. For when Sean Bean turns you down.'"
"The special effects in this movie make me miss Stripperland."
"They're like cockroaches." "Yeah, because cockroaches drop from the ceiling and try to stab you with knives."
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