The Importance of Don Bluth

Were you under the age of ten at any point in the 1980’s?  If so, I’ll bet you have at least one combination good/screwed up memory of an animated children’s movie from your childhood.  Even better, I’ll bet you I know exactly who made that animated children’s movie that left you so permanently altered and psychologically scarred.

            His name is Don Bluth.

            An American Tail, The Land Before Time, All Dogs Go To Heaven, The Secret of NIMH.  These are the biggest ones, but they’re not the only ones.  These are the greatest animated films of the ‘80’s.

All these movies have a few themes in common that also help them to stand out from the rest of the pack.  Their animation style is different than what Disney was offering back in the day.  They all involve kids as either the protagonists or the plot points.  They all have similar themes of loss, overcoming adversity and soldiering on no matter what. 

            Also, they’re all dark, despairing, and creepy as fuck.

            Sure, Disney made Oliver and Company and The Little Mermaid during that same time period, but there’s no way you can convince me that either of them are as heart-poundingly CREEPY as The Secret of NIMH, nor are they as horribly depressing-yet-laughter-inducing as All Dogs Go To Heaven..  Plus, Disney shit out The Black Cauldron in the 80’s, and I’ll never forgive them for that travesty.

            Basically, without Don Bluth, my generation would not have grown up knowing that you can overcome the death of a loved one or a family member and still succeed (with violence.)  All is not lost.  An illness can be overcome.  There is hope out there.  Never say never.

            But he also taught us that first we’re going to have to go up against something that is SCARY AS FUCK.

            That prepares a kid for the real world a lot better than anything Disney put out during that time period, or arguably ever.

            Plus, Don Bluth does not mess around.  Check out his IMDB page.  He wrote, produced, and directed several of his films.  He even did his own animation.  Pete’sDragon?  That was him too.

            Yes, I only wrote this article to remind the world how awesome this guy is, and to opine a bit about the current state of ‘cartoons.’  While I dearly love Pixar, and I’ll freely admit that Toy Story 3 had me tearing up, there will never be another set of films like Mr. Bluth put out in the ‘80’s.  No other movies will ever prepare a kid for the realities of the world while still keeping the happy ending.

            Do us all a favor.  If you have children, be sure to show them a Don Bluth animation.  It will make them better people.  Sure, Disney has the princesses, but Sleeping Beauty isn’t going to teach your child the importance of having to stab a rat in the chest in order to get medicine for your son.

The Hunger Games

            Let’s just assume for the moment that you’re one of the 15-or-so people who haven’t seen The Hunger Games, read it, or even heard about it in some form or another.  Let’s also assume that you are aware of Battle Royale and constantly compare the two. 

            Please know that I mean this in the nicest way possible:  Shut the fuck up.  You think BR was the first time anyone ever asked ‘why don’t we have teens kill each other for sport?’  Watch both movies and get your head out of your ass.  Or at least do the latter, because the way you waddle around is just embarassing.

On to the review!

            TheHunger Games is a movie based on a book based on an idea that is based on being awesome.  It follows Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) as she’s forced to make horrible decisions and hope for the best outcome.  It also promises a strong female character with actual depth and emotion.  Last year’s Hannah lacked the character depth, and apparently Twilight lacks the character emotion -- or any emotion, judging by the internet’s constant barrage of hatred.

            The movie is based on the undated future, after some sort of apocalypse wiped out a large majority of the world’s population (I’m going to go with worldwide swarms of honey badgers).  North America is now Panem, and it is broken down into the Capitol and 12 (formerly 13) Districts.  Each District is responsible for one type of export, such as electronics, seafood, grains, etc.  Katniss’s District handles coal.  So yes, Jennifer Lawrence is already typecast as a woman who can only grow up in West Virginia.

            Due to a civil war several decades ago, one boy and one girl aged 12-18 from each District gets selected to go to the Capital and fight to the death for everyone’s amusement and to remind the Districts to behave themselves.  This year, Katniss’s sister, who has quite literally a 1-in-10000 chance of getting selected, is chosen as the female tribute.  This unfortunate turn of events forces Katniss to become District 12’s first ever volunteer.  It also causes her to get into a shitload of ‘holy shit I’m gonna die.’

            Now, the best news is that you do not have to have read the books to understand and enjoy the movie.  The bad news is that you have to not be a total douchebox to enjoy the movie.  I genuinely understand that not every film is for every person.  I don’t like most romance films, because I find the circumstances and the character mentalities to be strange.  It’s as if the men in romance movies have never farted in public.  I don’t understand this, but it’s cool if other people like it. 

            It’s totally cool if other people don’t like a teen action movie based in a future dystopia.  What’s not cool is if you don’t like it and then nitpick the dumbest details you can find.  One review in particular caught my attention.  The critic wrote about the fact that there were just too many unanswered questions about how the future world came to be.  That’s cool; I can totally understand how an inquisitive mind could be driven nuts by the fact that you just have to accept the world as it is.  No problem.

            He then went on to write an entire paragraph about the clothing, expressly complaining about how nobody wore jeans.

            Are you serious?  Just shut the hell up.  When you predicate your dislike of a movie over their lack of denim, you are just an asshole?  This is why I wrote about critics dying out.  It’s because of shit like this that nobody takes you seriously!

            Anyhow, back to the movie.  The Hunger Games has also perfectly cast everyone in their roles, from the always-awesome Stanley Tucci as Caesar, Elizabeth Banks as our ‘fashionable’ Effie, and Donald Sutherland as President Snow.  The only odd casting choice for me was Woody Harrelson as Haymitch, but that’s because I always imagined him as bigger and more ravaged by alcohol.

            The movie itself is a bit long, but it needs to be.  It does a fantastic job of fitting in most every plot point from the book.  The only downside is the pacing.  Due to the nature of the story, all the action is crammed into the second half.  The first hour of the movie is a lot of talking and pacing, building and tying together everything needed to make the Hunger Games work. 

            My major complaint with the movie is the camera.  The action scenes are all over the place, and it’s often hard to follow what’s going on.  I have a feeling this is really going to tick off those that didn’t read the books and who aren’t sure who just did what to whom. 

            Other than that, the special effects could have used work in a few places, but it’s pretty acceptable considering how much CGI had to go into this movie.

            The acting is superb and the movie follows the plot of the book so well that I doubt any fans with any sense in their heads will complain.  There are a few new scenes thrown in to help piece things together, but they all work well together.  All-in-all, it’s a good time.

            In other words, do yourself a favor and check out The Hunger Games.  It’s definitely the first big release of 2012, and it’s the best movie you’re going to see for the next month or three.

Super Happy Fun Request Wednesday!

I was going to write about Don Bluth today and explain why his animations are the epitome of everything that has ever gone right for children’s movies.  I wanted to explain how no Bluth = no Pixar, and opine that without him we’d probably be stuck watching nothing but terrible, horrible children’s films with no wit or wisdom (shit like Barnyard).

However, I ended up getting really caught up in the article and I want a bit more time to flesh it out.  (I also want to try and keep it under 1000 words.)  Even worse, after the Don Bluth argument, I’ll be left with very few ideas for my Wednesday articles. 

So today I’m asking for your help!

What would you like to see me tackle next?  Do you want me to give a certain genre a chance?  Is there a fantastic, terrible, or fantastically terrible film you’d love me to watch and rant/rave/cry about?  Is there a topic you think everyone else is in the film world is too sissy to take on?  Am I not necessarily the hero you need, but the one you deserve?

Let me know!  Put your reply here leave a comment on  Mainstreamin’s facebook page, or tweet me at papataros. 

Unlike Joe Pesci, I am an entertainer, and I will amuse you if you ask nicely.  I love writing this blog, but sometimes the ideas come a little slower than others.  No matter what, I promise to continue with guaranteed content on Wednesdays, but I’d love to fulfill some requests while I’m at it.

21 Jump Street

            Did you know it’s possible to concentrate so hard, your head feels like it’s going to explode? 

            It took an entire pot of coffee plus two aspirin before I was able to….concentrate more. 

Studying sucks.

            On to the review!

            21Jump Street is 2012’s first big remake.  ‘Based’ on the 1987 T.V. show starring Johnny Depp, this new movie keeps the premise and throws away all the rest.  More impressively, it does it really, really well.

            In the new version, we have Jenko (Channing Tatum) and Schmidt (Jonah Hill) as our erstwhile police officers.  This time, they’re two screw-ups who can’t even make a collar correctly, so they’re reassigned to the Jump Street division where their youthful looks put them undercover. 

            Their new mission?  To find out the source of a new synthetic drug before its popularity takes it outside a local school and into the rest of the world.  That’s it.  There’s your entire plot.

            21 Jump Street has no right to be as good as it is.  This is the first time in a very long time that I’ve laughed long and loud at a theater, and unlike a lot of comedians, these laughs aren’t lowest common denominator. (I’m looking at you, Mr. Sandler’s upcoming That’s My Boy.  Ugh.)

            From one-liners to elaborate scenes to set-ups that don’t pay off for an hour, this film is a constant stream of humor.  While I don’t particularly enjoy Channing Tatum as an action hero, he is perfectly cast in action comedies.  I would be fine if he were typecast after this. 

            The success of this movie isn’t just in how well our two main characters play off each other -- it’s the amazing cast surrounding them.  From Dave Franco (I just learned that James Franco has a younger brother who looks disturbingly like him) as a smug rich kid to Rob Riggle playing a Rob Riggle role, it feels like every single person in this movie was either perfectly cast or the script was actually written around them.  Ice Cube as the Jump Street captain?  A fantastically hilarious choice.  Hell, even smaller roles like Ellie Kemper’s Ms. Griggs are milked for maximum comedic effect.

            Yeah, it’s obvious that I like the movie, and about the only thing I can say to the negative is that it would’ve been nice to flesh out our two main characters just a little bit more.  As much as I enjoyed the whole film, there was a surprising dearth of character development aside from the expected revelations at the end.

            Do yourself a favor and check out 21 Jump Street if you want to actually enjoy a comedy.  Judging by the next few upcoming films in that category, this may be your only chance for quite some time.

            

Sunday Short Story Filler

Sorry guys.  Due to trying to make rank, I've been spending most of my weekend buried nose-deep in the most boring factual data you can imagine.  I will be checking out 21 Jump Street tonight, but I've decided to wait until tomorrow afternoon to post my thoughts on it.
Look on the bright side: three posts this week!

To make sure something goes up today, I'm going to torture you all with some creepy thoughts that were rolling around my brain pan.  How is this relevant to Mainstreamin'?  Because someone should totally pay me to turn this into a Masters of Horror or a new Tales From The Darkside episode.
Without further ado, here's what happens when you spend too much time wondering about all those sounds your house makes at night.

My Desire

By Taras Butrej

 There is only one way a person achieves their desire.

            Those men that you see on film?  You know the ones.  Huge, rippling biceps?  Entire bodies slabs of marble? 

            They didn't get that way by accident. 

            The suave, sinuous men who seem to be made of water, their movements elegant yet hypnotic?  Appearing just as comfortable on the dance floor as they are walking through a crowd as if it wasn't there.

            There's a secret to it.

            The businessman?  The rich entrepreneur?  Discounting those born with the proverbial silver spoon, the rest sweat and toil for their gains.  Working endless hours and putting up with the sort of entitled assholes that they one day hope to become.

            They are the same.

           

            They never, ever give up.

            That's what it takes, you know.  You are not born knowing how to make money, or with talent, or muscles.  You earn them by trying again and again and again and again. 

            If you never try, you will never fail. 

            Of course, if you do try, the odds say you will still fail. 

            But you must try.  Never give up if you wish to attain your desire.   If you try hard enough, often enough, you will get it.

            You will get it.

            Exactly....what....you....desire.

            I never give up.  I always try, again and again and again and again.  Every single night.

            I am not lucky enough to have been destined for muscles or success or talents.  No, no, no.  I was born to dig.  To...extricate.  To scratch.

            Scratching, scratching, scratching.  I will scratch until the jagged edges of my nails crack.  Until they are worn down to meet the flesh of my fingertips.  I will scratch until my flesh wears down.  Then I will scratch with the exposed bone.

            Eventually, I will be free.  I will have freed myself from the prison I was placed in, so long ago.  I will be free from this horrible enclosure that has housed me.

            Free from the walls that I have slept inside for so long.  Out into a new, larger prison.  One I share with my only desire.

            Then, I will drag myself.  Inch by inch.  My legs haven't worked for some time, you see.  I was twisted and wrenched when they shoved me into my prison, heedless and uncaring as to how I was positioned.  Because of this I can stand but I cannot walk.

            It matters not.  I will never give up.  I will move forward.  I will drag myself with bloody, ravaged hands.

            I will crawl forward, then I will pull myself up.  Never mind the bloody trail.  It is the price I happily pay.

            Up the wooden post.  Up, up, up I climb, scratching, grabbing, scrambling, panting.  Exposed bones clacking against the hollow wood of the bannister, such a different sound against my exposed finger bones.  So much different than the sounds of my escape from the walls.  The scratching no longer evident, now a scritching, skittering sound. This pleases me, for  the only sound I had known for days or years or months in my tiny little cell within the walls was scratching.  this is a new sound.  A sound of promise.  A sound of hope.

             Finally I will be there.  Where I wanted to be so, so long ago.

            I will succeed because I never give up.

Bonus M. Night Shamalamadingdong ending:  It was a spork all along.

The Film Critic's Future

            Hardly anyone cares what critics think about a movie, and it’s only going to get worse. 

But why is that?

            Decades ago, when you wanted to know if Friday’s movie was going to be any good, you waited for the newspaper review, or you grabbed your copy of Playboy (people read that for movie reviews, right?) or even waited to find out what Siskel and Ebert thought about it.  These guys mattered.  They knew what was good and people took it to heart.

            Then the internet happened. 

            Now, I’m not going to be one of those out of touch assholes who lament the loss of the old guard and blame their technical shortcomings on the internet.  Fuck that, I’m not a Congressman.  The internet is awesome. 

What it does change is how we get our information.  The fact is, most people in our society would rather look for information that agrees with them rather than ‘waste their time’ on something that isn’t in their worldview.  This is why critics are fast becoming obsolete.

            Sure, Roger Ebert is still respected.  But he’s in a clear, ever-shrinking minority of film critics, and his opinions are carrying less and less value with the younger generation.  Most critics nowadays are just there for gee-whiz reviews, used more often by people who want to double-check what the plot is or get a general idea of how entertaining the film could be.

           

Where’s my proof? 

You hear more and more often about films coming out that are ‘critic proof,’ right?  Every month or two, a film comes out and gets excoriated by the media, but still takes #1 in the box office?  Well, some people did actual studies about it! 

Here’s one I found after 3 intense seconds of mind numbing, hardcore research: http://www.stat.berkeley.edu/~aldous/157/Old_Projects/kennedy.pdf.  In it, Mr. Kennedy reveals a few things I expected and something that I honestly didn’t see coming.  First, reviews don’t seem to have much of an impact on overall gross.  No big surprises there.  However, there was an exception when taking into account long-term gross.  It seems like movies with positive reviews last longer and make more solid returns over the long haul. 

What the hell does it all mean?

            It means critics are pretty much fucked.  Right now all they do is, scientifically, predict whether or not a movie is going to have staying power.  That’s right, a critic’s review will predict that a movie will be #1 for 5 days and then get bumped off by the next big thing.  Crap like Jack and Jill ignored the 3% Rotten Tomatoes score, made a ton of cash in the first week and then tanked quickly.  It’s obvious the critic’s reviews didn’t stop it from making 25 MILLION DAMN DOLLARS in its first week.  All the critics were able to do was predict that it would quickly tank after opening week.

            So here’s where I come in.  I’m going to play prediction guru by breaking down the three types of critics who might actually thrive in today’s world of instant information and gratification.  As a bonus, I’ll even tell you which one will come out on top.

First, there’s the old guard; the respected, beloved critic who still matters.   These guys are going to be fewer and fewer as the golden age of movies slowly fades into the background, to be replaced by a year-round summer blockbuster season.  I already mentioned the most obvious example.  Roger Ebert is probably the most respected film critic alive, although there are others out there writing for magazines like The New Yorker.  Unfortunately, that’s half the problem.  Who the hell reads The New Yorker before deciding whether or not to watch the latest Eddie Murphy shitfest?  It’s very likely that these well-respected critics are not going to be replaced as they retire or pass away.  A best case scenario would be a replacement of 1 new guy for every 3 or 4 old guard.

A second way to be a successful critic in today’s world is to pander.  I’m not saying it in a negative way, I’m simply implying that the pandering critic can enjoy their run by finding his/her ‘crowd’ and pleasing just them.  If, as a moviegoer, an aspiring critic absolutely loves Asian dramas and can dissect the ever-loving shit out of it, they should write about it.  Don’t try to be a jack-of-all-trades critic; don’t try to write about categories you don’t enjoy, such as South American horror films.  You’re going to be miserable and nobody is going to care. 

You don’t really see a person advertising that they’re a ‘pandering critic’ in that they pimp themselves as such, but an example would be someone who just loves the shit out of horror movies getting hired to write reviews for Fangoria.  These are guys who are willing to focus their attention to one area or genre and let their love of a topic speak for them.  In the process, they write for a much smaller crowd, but one that is potentially far more appreciative of their work.

Finally, there’s the entertainer.  This is a person who doesn’t necessarily get people to read their reviews because they’re informative (but hopefully they are also that).  They get people to read their reviews because they’re entertaining.  Now, this category is pretty broad because the entertainer can take man different tacks, from simply try to be chuckle-inducing to straight trolling their readership.  I consider the movie reviewers at Something Awful to be entertainers.  They throw in far more humor and off-the-cuff commentary into their writings than most critics, but they still fit a genuine review in there.

I can’t think of a film version of the ‘troll’ critic, but if I were to offer up someone who has mastered the art of being informative and entertaining while also inflaming some of his viewers, I would offer up Jim Sterling.  His reviews usually contain actual facts about gameplay and graphics, but they’re wrapped up in absurd and oft-indefensible comments that deliberately incite a sub-group of readers.

Like it or not, entertainers are the real future of movie reviews.  People are going to care less and less what a stodgy old critic thinks, but they still want to know what other people think of a movie.  Eventually there will be no more deference.  People will say "well, I hear so-and-so didn't like this movie, and I trust his opinions" less and less.  If you're lucky, you'll get the occasional "so-and-so didn't like this movie, and we have similar tastes."

John Carter

            It's amazing how easy it is to express patience with a movie when you have a belly full of all-you-can-eat crab.  Just saying.

            On to the review!

            John Carter (of Mars) is currently getting very mixed reviews, and for good reason.  It's one of those films that is so mixed it fails to be anything.  Instead, you can talk to 20 people and get 20 different reactions.  Love it, hate it, ambivalence?  No problem.  You just watched John Carter.

            But why?

            First, a little bit of history for your brain holes.  John Carter of Mars was a book kinda written by Edgar Rice Burroughs, the same man who created Tarzan.  John Carter shows up in is Barsoom novels.  The books take place over a long period of time, so the main characters are generational, meaning that John Carter isn't always the protagonist.  The interesting bit of info (thanks internet!) is that the book John Carter of Mars was a compilation of stories put out decades after the Barsoon series was 'finished' and is often regarded as the worst in the series.  Weird, huh?  So why did Disney take the risk?

            Because money, duh.  From all that I heard, Disney was banking on this becoming their next big thing.  With a large number of books to choose from, if John Carter brings in the bank, they can turn it into the next Harry Potter moneymaker.

            The jury is out on whether or not they succeeded, but the first signal that something may have gone wrong was when Disney moved the release date from June (movie blockbuster season) into early March, where there wouldn't be any competition.  The move showed possible doubt in the film but it may pay off in the end.

            Anyways, the movie.  *ahem*  It's busy.  Very, very busy.  As a potential franchise starter, we needed to learn everything about everyone.  This is one of the major bummers in the movie.  For every minute something fun happens on screen we're forced to digest five minutes of back-story, dialog or potentially boooooring conversations.  This is purely subjective, but for some reason I didn't find any of the human characters to be particularly interesting, so that's probably the reason I was bored whenever nobody was being stabbed.

            Taylor Kitsch (of Friday Night Lights fame, although I haven't seen the show I've heard great things) plays John Carter, a troubled ex-military man searching for a cave of gold after the Civil War.  After a series of awesomely ridiculous events, he gets more than he bargains for when he wakes up on Mars.  He then discovers that he's gained extraordinary powers due to the different atmosphere, allowing him to leap dozens of feet and throw large objects around like it's nothing.  Unfortunately for him, he gets captured by the Tharks: six-limbed, 8 foot tall aliens whose ranks include Willem Dafoe and Thomas Haden Church.  Because when you need to invoke otherworldliness, just the voice of Mr. Dafoe is good enough.

            *deep breath*  Carter then gets embroiled in a battle between the two last cities on Mars, the good city of Helium is represented by the love interest, Deja Thoris (Lynn Collins) while the evil walking city that devours everything else, Zodanga, is represented by Sab Than (Dominic West).  Sab Than is being helped by a super-advanced group of...people...led by Matai Shang (Mark Strong), who have given him the ability to destroy living matter with ease. 

            Cool, huh?  Yes, in theory, there's some awesome stuff in there.  But there is just so....much.....bad....pacing.  The beginning starts off well, but about 45 minutes in we're treated to absolutely nothing happening, then again when it should be climax time, we stop for a good ten minutes to build unnecessary tension.

            Here's what I loved:  The special effects.  The Tharks look fantastic and are blended seamlessly into the movie.  I also admired how the SFX team avoided the temptation to give them too many human characteristics.  Though they're still split between male and female, you can really only tell based on the overall size of the Thark you're looking at.  The females are a little shorter and more slender.  Also, there's a 'dog' in the movie that pretty much steals the spotlight whenever it's on screen.

            The fight scenes were clever and made excellent use of the locations and special effects.  That's all I have to say there.

            The downsides:  The dialog is pretty straightforward and doesn't leave much to the imagination.  It works, but it's not very interesting.

            The characters are sort of wooden.  John Carter especially seems to take the 'stoic badass' and make it more and more wooden as the movie goes on.  After a really clever succession of jail break attempts that highlight his character's drive and the film's humor, his character has nowhere to go but down.  The guy who urinates through the bars of his jail cell just to piss off the guard is long gone by the time we get to the final scenes.

            I could go on about what's good and what's not so much, but it's a 2 hour film and I'm getting close to my self-imposed word max.

            The best part of John Carter is realizing that the science fiction elements were mostly written between 1910 and 1930.  Witnessing fiction brought to life from the stories of a man who influenced Ray Bradbury is pretty damn awesome.

            If you can overlook bad plotting and so-so characterizations, check it out.  It's not going to be another Harry Potter franchise, but there's a slim possibility that they can improve on this one for the sequels, assuming it makes enough to justify one.

7 Simple Tips for Every Moviegoer

I don’t really have anything of movie interest for this week.  I’ve been watching fun, mindless fare like ThePirates of Penzance and various Marx Brothers films.  If you haven’t seen or heard of those, my reviews probably won’t change your mind, you’re just a terrible person and you need to learn to live with that fact.

            Instead I’m going to give you a few tips on how not to be a douchebag moviegoer.  The big releases are on their way and more people will be hitting the theaters for air conditioned entertainment.  Follow these recommendations and you’ll successfully avoid being ‘that guy/gal’ next time you go to the movies.

1.   You know those cellphone warnings that every single theater has before the movie?  Fucking obey them.  It’s amazing how many people think “well, if I just shield it with my hands, I can totally text Tony back and see if he wants that Z-job.”  No, you idiot.  If you shield it with your hands, it just looks like your cellphone is behind bars, because you’re dumb, and the gaps in your fingers don’t block light for shit.   Now I’m blinded by your 500 watt background and I can’t see who is getting stabbed on-screen.  Guess this means you’re getting stabbed off-screen.

2.  The theater is pretty empty.  You can totally put your feet up, right?  Don’t even think about it.  I don’t care if you showered so recently you’re still wearing a towel.  Get your disgusting, stinky feet off the back of the chair.  You didn’t shower in your shoes, and people in sandals never seem to realize that it traps just enough foot sweat to make everyone within 10 feet vomit a little in their mouths.  I recently had a guy prop his feet on the chair right next to me.  Fortunately the ‘death look’ was all it took to get him to move far away.  Next person that pulls this shit gets their feet tickled by an overweight white guy.

3.  Nobody cares what you think about the movie.  Excited by all the shiny colors on screen?  Don’t want the hero to punch that guy?  Think the killer’s in the next room?  Good for you.  Shut the hell up.  If you’re an interactive moviegoer, either go see a movie late in its run when most people have already seen it, or rent the damn thing.  Nobody likes it when an audience member is talking to the screen.

            If you’re friends with one of these people, please be honest with them.  “No, Jim, I don’t think we should see The Avengers on opening weekend, because your mouth will probably get us killed.  I mean that literally, not figuratively.”

4.  Don’t be a creep.  If there are 10 people in a theater that seats 200, get your ass away from me.  I don’t care if you have a psychological problem where you must be within 6 feet of someone or you’ll start crying.  If that’s the case, you should have made a friend and brought them along.  Hell, you could have even hired a call girl.  I don’t care.  Please just get the hell away from me.

            I’m specifically talking about the times when the theater isn’t crowded.  If it’s over half full, then I completely understand that strangers are going to have to sit together.  Personally, I like to get to movies 30 minutes early and sit in the very back.  Some people like their personal space.  Don’t be that asshole that makes the stupid face and says something like “well not everyone has space issues” or “in Europe this is no big deal.”  Guess what, dick?  This isn’t Europe, and I have space issues.  Be considerate.  I was creeped out so often by people showing up and sitting down RIGHT BEHIND ME when there were less than two dozen people in the theater that I had to put my back to the goddamn wall. 

            Now these same assholes sit down right in front of me.

5.  Shower.  I don’t know why I even have to mention this, but if you’ve had a rough day of football/soccer/lifting weights, go home and shower before going to the movies.  I don’t care if it makes you miss the 7 o’clock and now you have to go to the later showing.  Go dick around at WalMart or something.

6.  Trailers are still a part of the experience.  I paid upwards of $15 to see this movie, and goddamnit I’m going to watch every single thing on that screen in rapt attention.  Shut.  Up.  I don’t care if you’ve seen the trailer or once dated the guy who operated the boom mike in the new Disney movie.  If you want to talk, please move at least 500000 feet from me until the credits have completed rolling.  (I will make exceptions if you’re funny and the trailer is terrible.)

7.  If you leave during the credits of a Marvel or Pixar film, I will laugh at you.  If you don’t know why, ask a friend who does so they can share in the laughter.

            There you have it, my seven simple tips to becoming a better moviegoer.  Follow these rules and I guarantee nobody will want to fight you after the movie.

            Now down in front!

Project X

For you internet types, here's your TL;DR*:  ProjectX sucks seventeen donkey balls.

On to the review!

            Project X is a found footage film about three unpopular teenager's attempts to be cool by throwing a huge party.  While there's nothing inherently wrong with such a simple movie, the director chooses to go about it in absolutely the worst way possible.  The found footage method is played out and does nobody any favors.  The plot is terrible, the 'acting' sucks and the people are all so damn dislikeable that there's no reason to root for anyone.

            The three main characters are Thomas (Thomas Mann), Costa (Oliver Cooper) and JB (Jonathan Daniel Brown).  They are, in order, the wussy pushover, the loudmouthed jerk, and the idiot.  In fact, each character plays to their archetype so much that you want to set fire to everything around you.  Thomas is the whiny, dorky kid who, in the words of his own father, is kind of a loser.  He's got no backbone and no drive, yet he's the one we're supposed to find the most loveable?

            Costa is what I like to call the Stiffler character.  After the popularity of American Pie, all teen movies are legally required to have a character who skirts the line between friend and foe, someone who means well at times but is also willing to play mean jokes on his friends.  Unfortunately, Costa is what Stiffler would be like if he had no morals, no class, and no filters.  He's arrogant, selfish, and hateful, lacking a single redeeming quality.

            Finally, there's JB.  Since we have the dork and the party animal, we need the idiot, right?  Again, Project X takes it too far and decides against the loveable idiot.  Instead, we get a kid who should be in a school for children with special needs.  It's like the director (Nima Nourizadeh, if you need to direct your anger at someone) heard the line in Tropic Thunder about never going full retard, said "screw that" and made every single character in this movie a one dimensional archetype.

            Oh yeah, and the 'documentarian' of this little shitfest is Dax (Dax Flame), dressed as what I can only figure the director called 'Columbine sheik.'  They go out of their way to make him the creepy kid in the trench coat for the sake of two shitty jokes.

            Finally, there's the love interest.  Kirby (Kirby Bliss Blanton) is the unlucky lady who gets to have feelings for Thomas.  She's also the only female in this entire movie exists as more than tits and ass, and she's stuck pining after a spineless whiner. 

            Now for the plot.  Thomas's parents go out for the weekend, Costa organizes a party via social media, things get way out of hand when hundreds of people show up and half the neighborhood ends up getting destroyed.  The worst part of this film is that the ending is actually entertaining in a 'let's see how far we can take this' sort of way.  It actually pissed me off when I realized that there were about ten minutes in Project X that I actually liked.  It's as if I was covered in angry bees and for a brief second liked it.  Now I've got this sense of shame, loathing and confusion that I just can't shake.

            By all means, go see Project X of you want to see breasts and don't have internet access (how the hell are you reading this?).  15 year olds might like it too because there's less of a chance that they have seen enough good cinema to know that this movie sucks.  If you like swearing, lowest-common-denominator comedy, misogyny, and the pointless appearance of Martin Klebba as the violent Angry Little Person (actual billing), then check it out.  The only thing I'll give Project X credit for is its willingness to not let anything like pesky morals get in the way of a story. 

            If you want your teenage coming-of-age movie to actually be funny or fun to watch, then might I suggest you go back in time and watch anything that has come out in the last decade?  Waiting, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, and Van Wilder all have teens trying to figure out what to do with their lives via parties and random bullshit.  Plus none of them suck nearly as much as Project X.

*Too Long; Didn't Read