The Secret World of Arrietty

During the 2010 holidays, I stayed with my brother and his family.  This included my adorable, obnoxiously energetic 3 year old niece.  For everyone who does not have or spend time around children, let me give you one piece of gee-whiz information:  they do not get sick of things like us boring adults do.  She wanted to watch three DVD’s on a never-ending loop the entire time I was there.  These ‘movies’ were

1.) Frosty The Snowman, the 1969 animated classic.

2.) Elmo’s Potty Time, which can hardly be called a movie, but did teach me how to really enjoy pooping.

3.) Spirited Away, the classic film from Studio Ghibli, written and directed by Hayao Miyazaki.

            One of these things is not like the other.  Two of the ‘films’ were short, to the point, and arguably aimed directly at a specific audience.  Namely children under the age of 5.  The third movie?  Why, a sprawling, 2+ hour film that deals with far more difficult topics than bowel movements and magical hats.  Yet, thanks to the magic touch of Miyazaki, kids and adults alike can get something magical out of it.  That’s something that I doubt will ever be said about Elmo’s Potty Time; no matter how useful the film is as a training video, it’s not exactly enrapturing.

            That’s why I was so happy to see The Secret World ofArrietty yesterday.  Though I’ve said that I won’t review children’s movies, the combination of this one being a Studio Ghibli film, my not having anything lined up for today, and the fact that the movie I’ll be watching this weekend is the stupid-looking Project X, I’ve decided that rules are meant to be broken.

            On to the review!

            The Secret World of Arrietty is a Japanese film based on the American story of The Borrowers, and had also been explored in similar animated themes when The Littles premiered back in 1983.  So how exactly do you do rehash such a lighthearted concept?  Why, you make the movie breathtakingly gorgeous, of course!

            There is no mistaking that this film was created outside American studios.  Though adults can enjoy it, it's not because there are adult jokes hidden in the subtext.  Kids can enjoy it even though it never caters to the lowest common denominator of poop and pee jokes.

            Visually, it has the same strange combination of loose lines and amazing texture as all Studio Ghibli's films, such as Howl’s Moving Castle and Kiki’s Delivery Service.  What really makes Arriety stand apart is the sound design.  In order to convey the size differences of our main characters, this movie takes great pains to make what are slight, subtle sounds to human ears become huge, booming noises to the Borrowers, the 4-inch tall people who live under the floorboards.

            The plot is very simple and straightforward.  Arrietty (voiced by Bridgit Mendler) is the only child of Pod (Will Arnett) and Homily (Amy Poehler) and they may be the final three borrowers in the entire world.  (Note that the UK version has completely different voice actors.)  They live by one rule and one rule only:  If you’re seen by a Bean (human being) then you have to move, because the Bean will never leave you alone once they know of your existence.  Of course, Arrietty is seen by Shawn (David Henrie) on two separate occasions in spite of her attempts to stay hidden.  Shawn, however, is desperately lonely and tries to convince her that he means no harm.  Nevertheless, Arrietty's parents decide they should move, but not before some chaos involving the housekeeper (Carol Burnett!). 

            That’s the entire plot, and though it sounds like it could make for a busy movie, rest assured that this film luxuriates in atmosphere.  I have never seen a slower children’s movie, yet every frame is so full of beauty and detail that even the long stretches where nothing important happens are enrapturing.  I often found myself trying to absorb all the detail at once and getting overwhelmed.  The simple act of Arriety travelling from the front yard to her home was so full of amazing sights and sounds that nobody in the theater seemed to mind that it was a five minute scene that didn’t really accomplish anything plot-wise.

            This is why Studio Ghibli is so important for American audiences.  Our Western children’s movies are fast-paced and so chock full of go-go-go every second that the kids are never given a chance to just absorb the film.  Miyazaki’s movies almost force you to do just that.  The funny thing is, despite the constant barrage of plot and action in movies like Shrek, Madagascar and Happy Feet, these movies only ever need to be seen once, if at all.  The only American film company that comes close to the Japanese aesthetic is Pixar, and everyone readily agrees that it’s because they’re nothing like the rest of America’s purveyors of children’s films.

            Go see The Secret World of Arrietty if you’ve got an eye for detail, an ear for amazing sound, love good children’s movies, love good movies, or just want to support the continued success of films that don’t cater to the bullshit belief that our children need shot-a-minute ADHD crap shoved down their eyeholes.

Act of Valor

            What do you do when you see a movie that is inherently terrible, but also ends on the sort of note that perfectly reflects your personal beliefs on camaraderie, loyalty, trust and service?  Well, if you're me, you write a 'review' from two different perspectives.  One as a moviegoer, and one as a member of the United States Armed Forces.

On to the review(s)!

            First off, I would like to state that neither point of view found Act of Valor to be a good movie.  This movie's claim to fame is the fact that all the U.S. soldiers were portrayed by actual U.S. soldiers.  This adds to the realism of the fight sequences, because we're watching guys reenact shit they actually do for a living.  The filmmakers also figured that it would add depths to their interactions that you just don't see from big name actors.  It's obvious that they know each other and they like each other.

            However, there's a reason Hollywood usually hires big name actors to be in their war movies.  You can't have 90+ minutes of gunplay and ten minutes of interaction.  You need to establish plot, and to do that you need dialogue between your actors.  Here's where Act of Valor takes a nosedive.  The guys on screen know what they're doing when they're holding a gun or capturing a hostage, but it's incredibly painful to see them regurgitate the script.  It looks like they were given enough coaching to get through the scenes but absolutely no effort was given into making their acting convincing.

            On top of that, the voiceover fell flat.  I can say I got used to it as the movie went on, but thanks to Stockholm Syndrome, people can get used to damn near anything.  Unfortunately, there was little to no emotion behind the voice until the final scenes, when he finally seemed able to channel some real emotion.

            As far as the film goes, it's 100% America, Fuck Yeah!  A CIA agent uncovers a link between a smuggler and a Muslim terrorist, she's abducted, and the Navy SEALs have been tasked to rescue her.  Then they're later asked to stop the terrorist threat.  There are no shades of grey in Act of Valor.  Everyone who isn't American is evil or corrupt.  Everyone who is American is willing to die for their country.  In fact, parts of this movie border on KKK levels of racism and prejudice.

            Once the action starts, the movie becomes interesting, if not awesome.  Seeing the SEALs combine tried-and-true forms of communication with new technologies was fascinating.  Act of Valor succeeds during its battle scenes, mostly because there's no way to screw that up when you're using some of the most well-trained warriors on the planet.

            Of course, the final battle is deliriously over-the-top and it turns everyone into a hero, but that's to be expected.  While nobody will be clamoring for a sequel, it feels like the film's backers accomplished exactly what they set out to do:  Remind everyone of the noble sacrifices of American soldiers without letting silly things like politics, opinions or common sense get in the way.

            As a member of these same armed forces who has an active duty sibling as well as relatives who served their time in the military, I still thought Act of Valor was overblown and mind-numbingly dull, filled with terrible acting and an under complicated, silly plot.  However, the ending was abso-freaking-lutely amazing.  I'm not ruining anything by telling you that there's a funeral in this movie, because that's broadcast from the very start.  What's amazing is just how perfect all these non-actors are in their roles at the end.  This is where you finally see their true emotions and experiences come to the fore, and this is when the voiceover finally works.

            As someone who spent four months in the Honor Guard, I can speak for how difficult it is to do military funerals, and the one active duty funeral that I did was almost as bad as the one in which the woman receiving the flag was too busy crying about how she couldn't wait to join her dead husband to respond.  Yeah, it's tough.  But it also left me with a sense of satisfaction and purpose that I have seldom experienced before or after.

            The funeral scene nailed everything perfectly.  It, more so than any part of the rest of the film, demonstrated what's so fundamentally special about the military.  There is a closeness in life and death that you simply don't see anywhere else.  Shit, I'm in the safest, easiest job I could possibly find,  in the 'spoiled' branch of the military, and there's still a sense of duty and purpose that most of us have, even us crazy liberals.  We look out for each other.  Even if I don't care for someone I work with, I've got their back, and I'll help them out when they need it.  You just don't see that anywhere else.

            The kid next to me was easily a decade younger, and he was blubbering like a little girl with a skinned knee.  Myself, I had to bite my lip to keep from crying.  You could hear sniffles and sobs from throughout the theater, and almost every single crier was male, military hair cut, under 40. 

            As a propaganda piece that's meant to sway public opinion, Act of Valor is too simplistic and too poorly put together to do much more than reinforce already-held beliefs.  As a salute to our troops and an acknowledgement that life is definitely not fair, it succeeds beyond anyone's wildest hopes.

            I urge anyone who is serving or who has served, or anyone who has lost a loved one to military conflict to watch the last part of Act of Valor.  Ignore the hoorah's and the self-congratulatory pats on the back.  The rest of the movie, unfortunately, does nobody any favors.

            At least there's still Black Hawk Down.

I Hate Romantic Comedies (and actually give reasons)

            It’s not that I hate all romantic comedies.  I just hate terrible movies.  I hate lots of horror movies, comedies, thrillers and war flicks.  I just hate lots and lots of rom-coms because they're predictable and mostly terrible due to their low standards and terrible tropes.  If only they would try new things more often, I'd have less anger for the genre.

            For the sake of clarity, I will define the rom-com as any film that involves the lead character looking for love and getting themselves into all sorts of ‘wacky’ or uncomfortable situations.  The main character is almost always a woman, and when it’s a guy he tends to have some deficient character traits that he must overcome in order to be ‘happy’ (The 40 Year-old Virgin, Yes Man).  The level of humor is always different -- some are genuine comedies with a few sappy scenes.  Others have about one laugh every ten minutes.  They almost all end up with the happy ending, something that in itself is so predictable and boring, I automatically like a rom-com more when there isn't a happy ending involved.

            Now, what can Hollywood do to make me less likely to commit myself to the burn ward whenever someone tries to get me to watch a romantic comedy? 

            First, change up the goddamn plot.  I understand that the biggest viewers of rom-coms are women.  I understand that you need to appeal to their sense of romance.  But sweet zombie jeebus on a stick, why do you insist of having the exact same plot every time?  Character A ends up single (divorce/break-up/freak train accident), sassy gay/black friend tells them to get back out there and keep trying, they meet Character B and fall wildly in love with each other.  Some random misunderstanding occurs.  Character B pours their heart out in a crowded room/elevator/mosh pit.  Everyone lives happily ever after.  I die a little inside.  The end.

            Next, mix up your cast of characters!  Not everyone has the schlubby friend, the sassy gay/black friend (why the hell Hollywood decided they were interchangeable is beyond me, but you can't have both), the womanizer, the guy/girl who looks like they have it all but are actually unhappy, etc.  Maybe it’s because I spent so many years of my life unmarried, which forced me to actually, you know, meet people and go on dates.  Whatever the reason, I've seen a fairly large number of rom-coms, and it's to the point where I can predict every character’s ending the moment they're introduced on screen.

            Now I've bitched about the terrible plots and more terrible people, please allow me to complain about the crazy misunderstandings that are so pervasive in this sub-genre.  These do not need to exist.  Character B does not need to be caught with his pants down in a bowling alley with his grandmother because of some 'hi-la-rious' Rube Goldbergian series of events.  Character A does not need to be accused of cheating because she was talking to some dude she used to go to high school with and the womanizer saw her talking to him and immediately called his bro because y'know he's totally got his back and stuff.  Or whatever.

            Lest you think I'm a total crank, here are some rom-coms that I genuinely like: (500) Days of Summer, He's Just Not ThatInto You, and Friends with Benefits.  The first is barely a rom-com, the second does such a great job of burying the obnoxious stereotypes and actually letting fun and funny stuff happen on screen that I enjoyed it despite myself, and the third is an example of making a movie for adults, no pandering to a younger crowd with a PG-13.

            There are other movies that have good ideas buried in them but still suck giant donkey balls.  The Break-Up, Yes Man, You've Got Mail and Pretty Woman all had decent ideas somewhere but left them in the morass of bad acting, bad plotting, and/or terrible predictability.  (Told you I've seen a lot of these.)

            My final complaint: If you're going to make a teenage rom-com, cater to the damn teenagers by making it a teen movie.  Stop making PG-13 movies with adults in them.  You can't have adults reacting to situations in a realistic manner if you have it PG-13.  Even if your movie is still kinda crappy, I'll cut it more slack when you attempt to cater to an audience of mature people who are fully capable of thinking for themselves.  Specifically, I'm calling out shit-storms like Along Came Polly and every single Adam Sandler attempt at being a leading man in a rom-com.

            It can be done.  A good romantic comedy can still be made.  Don't rely on tried-and-true formulas.  They're burned out in every genre but especially in this one.  Try some new shit. 

            Also, by new shit, I don't mean 'steal the newest ideas out there.'  That's how the world was so quickly burned out on the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.  She was identified as a thing, Hollywood took notice and then just absolutely flooded the marked with these...things.

            There you have it.  Why I pretty much hate romantic comedies and immediately assume it's terrible until proven otherwise.  I haven't lost hope, because I still have to watch them and I'm always hoping I like it.  I never want to hate a movie.  You just make it so easy sometimes, Hollywood.  Now get your shit together.  You can romance the lady and still make a movie everyone can enjoy.

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

            Today we have a very special edition of Netflix'd.  I'm visiting my friend Jon in Atlanta, and he and his roommate Chuck have agreed to choose a movie that they'd like to watch/make fun of.  This is great, because I really didn't feel like spending $12 to see Ghost Rider in an Atlanta theater.

            The movie they've chosen is Tucker and Dale vs.Evil.  Unfortunately it's a fun movie, making it hard to make fun of.  Fortunately, it's a fun movie, so I won't hate myself afterwards.

            On to the review!

            Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is a horror comedy film that was released in 2010 to the surprise of many and the acclaim of too few.

            The movie follows two groups of people, college kids and hillbillies.  It attempts to poke fun at  'crazed killer in the woods' trope by asking one major question:  What if the killer didn't mean to do it?  Tucker and Dale vs. Evil creates a horror film through misunderstandings.  It's basically the Abbot and Costello of slasher films.

            Tucker is played by Alan Tudyk of Firefly fame, while Dale is played by Tyler Labine.  The movie splits time between these two as they travel to the middle of nowhere to fix up Tucker's new summer home and a group of spoiled rich college kids who hit up the same area for  vacation.

            Unfortunately for our innocent rednecks, one of the college kids, Chad (Jesse Moss) has a thing against hicks.  He thinks all hillbillies are horrible inbred crazed murderers.  In reality, it's only about 40/60.

            The misunderstandings escalate when one of the college girls, Allison (Katrina Bowden) is about to go skinny dipping when she notices Tucker and Dale watching her from a fishing boat.  Predictably she screams and falls into the water, hitting her head on a rock.  Dale jumps in to save her and pulls her onto the fishing boat.  Her friends notice and freak out, and when Dale yells "We got yer friend!" in an effort to let them know she's safely out of the water, they take it to mean that the 'hillbillies' have abducted her.

            Hilarity ensues as the college kids try to free their friend and end up dying in ever-more-elaborate ways, all of them complete accidents.

            The first accident involves a chainsaw, a bee's nest and a pointy stick.  Other deaths may or may not happen because of shovels, a wood chipper, a weed whacker, rusty nails and/or fire.

            The middle part of the film is all about how two groups can escalate into more and more violent situations due to misunderstandings.  It also plays with the crazed hillbilly trope by slowly reversing the roles until the city kids look like the evil murderers and the hillbillies are the innocents.

            There's no way to go into any more detail without ruining the plot twists and goofy surprises, but I hope it's enough to pique your interest.

            Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is a fun, entertaining comedy-horror flick that anyone can sit down and enjoy.  There's nothing inherently frightening, so even people who don't like horror films will find fun in it, but it's got enough horror movie style and imaginative death scenes to make even the dumbest Saw fan smile.

Comments: (As always, the movie is in italics and we're in quotes.)

"Wanna hear a scary story?" "I once put on a shirt that didn't have a popped collar."

Guy gets a saw blade through the forehead. "That'll teach you to like country music!"

"Bacon!"  (No reference needed, really.)

"Plenty of people made it past the third grade.  They're all in Congress."

"So are you gonna help or are you just gonna stand there staring at me?"  "Ummm....yes."

"Grave digging is hard."

"Never trust a guy with a popped collar."  "Yeah, it's bad policy."

"How to make things worse.  Written by Tucker and Dale."

"Where are my boobies?"  "There are no boobies."  "Awwwwww."

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of her nice ass."

"Just because I love to spray Axe over every inch of my body doesn't make me a douche."

"You're a great therapist!  100% success rate.  No complaints!"

"Look!  It's the Incredibly Asthmatic Hulk."

"Maybe we should head towards that only light source in the entire forest."

"....aaaaaand conveniently daylight."

Sub-Genres: In Defense of Torture Porn

            No, I’m not talking about some sort of sick pornography where everyone takes BDSM two steps too far.  If you want that, might I recommend a few Japanese websites?

            What I’m talking about is a sub-genre of horror movies that somehow earned one of the most disturbingly appropriate titles in cinematic classification.  ‘Torture porn’ refers to any horror movie that gets most of its scares via violent imagery.  Such a film will also display scantily clad men and women throughout the film.  Hence the ‘porn’ part of the title.  Now, if the only qualifiers are nudity and gore, why would such a sub-genre ever be more than a footnote in cinematic history?  Why is it worth saving?

            First, where the hell did such a title come from?  Originally, there were splatter films.  Movies with lots of gore and over-the-top violence, sometimes tongue-in-cheek like Dead Alive, but always ridiculously bloody.  Then in 2005, Hostel happened and the splatter film title just wasn’t enough.  It was at this point that someone classified horror films that contained a combination of tits and blood as ‘torture porn.’ 

            Retroactively, there are a lot of movies that fell under this new label.  Cannibal Holocaust being a prime example.  Unfortunately, just like every other classification, journalists have gotten incredibly lazy.  Movies that contain none of the former and little of the latter are now categorized as ‘torture porn’ simply because they make the viewer uncomfortable.  This is where I start to get pissed off.

            Date Movie makes me uncomfortable because it’s an unfunny piece of shit.  It’s genuinely torturous to me.  Does that make it ‘torture porn’?  No, no it does not. 

            I can see some people claiming that it’s called torture porn because the movie seems to get off on the torture part.  That the filmmaker is glorifying and possibly sexualizing acts of physical violence.  Okay, I won’t argue with that.  However, we already have a classification for that.  It’s called splatter films.  Or gore movies.  You know, the ones that weren’t good enough for Hostel and its ilk. 

            It’s this laziness in classification that I believe is diluting the genre, and will ultimately make it a footnote in ‘failed movie subcategory’ history.  Adding films like Wolf Creek and Grindhouse wrong, but understandable.  They’re both admittedly violent, but Grindhouse is a self-stated homage to the old grindhouse flicks, which do not in any way match the definition of a torture porn flick.

            The big problem is that we’re now classifying any film that is just the least bit disturbing as ‘torture porn’.  Antichrist is a creepy flick, I’ll admit.  But it doesn’t belong in the genre.  It’s a drama with a few horrific elements thrown in.  It’s not a horror movie. 

            “Okay, angry writer guy,” you say to your computer screen.  “It’s obvious that you don’t like lackadaisical classification, but just when were you going to get around to the defending part of your article?”

            Great question, reader, and I really like your use of the word lackadaisical.  If I’m willing to go to all this trouble to complain about poor cinematic classification then I must actually care about the genre, right?  Yes, yes indeed I do.

            You see, torture porn as a genre is simply the latest brand of horror films that are meant to test and challenge the audience.  They don’t exist to be your favorite movies of all time.  In fact, if Hostel II or Martyrs is your honest-to-goodness favorite film ever made, then you should probably commit yourself.  You have problems.

            What a movie like The Devil’s Rejects should do is challenge you, both cinematically as well as visually.  I’m never going to watch A Serbian Film again, but it highlights the best and worst of the genre.  It’s a movie that combines a compelling plot with horrific images of violence, interspersed with themes of love and, yes, pornography, and then blurs and twists those lines.  That’s what the genre is supposed to be about.  Hostel coined the phrase because it used the idea of sex and sexuality to lure both the victims and the audience into its horrific innards.  A movie that only offers violence, or offers no actual horror (yes, I draw a very thick line between horror movies and movies with horrific scenes) should not be classified as torture porn.

            If we were pickier about our categorizations and only let in true ‘torture porn’ flicks, we would still see a lot of genuinely crappy movies in the genre.  But we would also start to see a pattern of challenging films that blur the line between sexy, sleazy, violent and horrific.  Diluting the genre by adding in dramas and thrillers that have a scene or two of violence simply dilutes the entire group of films.  Ultimately it over saturates the market and we will eventually miss out on challenging, (hopefully) entertaining movies.

            On a final note, I can’t wait to see what sort of Google search terms people use to stumble across this column.

Safe House

            Please don't take my man card.  What I'm about to tell you may be upsetting, but I still think I deserve to keep it because I still love war movies.  The boilerplate CIA thriller is starting to get really really really really really boring.  Also, predictable.

            On to the review!

            Safe House is 2012's Killer Elite.  They both share the idea of a rising star getting together with a known money-maker and trying to give the audience a spy thriller action flick with a twist.  Instead of Jason Statham and Robert De Niro working together to piss off Clive Owen, we get Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds fighting each other and everyone else. 

            Ryan Reynolds is Matt Weston, a young CIA agent who gets a good ol' 'shitty first posting' because damnit, he's the FNG.  That's just what you do when you're the new guy.  You get crappy postings until you prove yourself.  Why back in my day I had to guard a safe house under Lake Ontario for two years and they wouldn't even let me have a proper toilet!  Of course, Matt doesn't want to be in boring old Cape Town, South Africa.  He wants a more exciting posting, like Paris or Detroit.

            Conveniently, Denzel Washington's Tobin Frost, a rogue CIA agent who has given the USA all sorts of shit for the last 10 years, gets himself in a bind and has no choice but to turn himself in to the American Consulate in...dun-dun-duuuun...Cape Town!  Since it's illegal to waterboard a wanted fugitive on American soil, the powers that be decide to transport Frost to the safe house to milk him for information.

            Predictably, this is exactly when things go to shit.  The safe house is compromised and Matt has to fight off the guys who want to get Frost.  Even better, Matt also has to fight Frost, since he understandably doesn't want to be tortured and probably disposed of.  This is the bread and butter of the film, an hour of Frost fucking with Matt's head as they fight off and evade their unidentified tormentors.

            The best parts of the movie are when Frost is trying to extricate himself from Matt's grasp.  Two scenes in particular were genuinely fun to watch.  One finds Matt and Frost in a car chase, with Frost trying to extricate himself from the trunk while they're being chased by three oversized SUV's.  The other involves a game of cat and mouse in a huge soccer stadium(football stadium, for everyone in the world who isn't American).

            The bummer of the whole movie is that, despite some entertaining set-pieces, Safe House is absolutely boilerplate.  There's a mole in the CIA!  Someone isn't who they seem to be!  They give you three or four people who may be the traitor, then make it painfully obvious as to who it actually is.  If you're surprised by the twist then you were probably taken to this movie by your caretakers.  I don't know exactly what that means but it implies that you're dumb.

            I'm getting sick of the hand-held camera and I'm beyond sick of the thriller-without-thrills.  Safe House could have been a tense, entertaining action movie.  Unfortunately, it's exactly like the last dozen CIA movies before it.  It seems that Denzel Washington is typecasting himself into his Man on Fire persona.  Ryan Reynolds is trying very hard to keep himself from being pigeonholed as a comedic actor, but he doesn't bring the nuance that he brought to Buried.       Basically, you can do better with your money.  Go watch The Grey or just read a Tom Clancy novel.  I will say that it's better than Killer Elite, but you'd probably enjoy any of the Bourne films much more.

A Serbian Film (Why did I do this to myself?)

            I’ve seen Salo, Cannibal Holocaust and Martyrs.  I own Hostel, The Human Centipede, Audition and countless other gruesome, disturbing and gory films.  Initially I was just a fan of horror movies and their ilk.  I simply enjoyed watching films that sought to scare or disturb the viewer.

            Just like any other fear junkie, where I started was no longer good enough.  There were no longer any scares to be had from American horror films.  So then I got into foreign horror movies, which were doing things that Hollywood was too unwilling or unimaginative to try.  Movies like Audition and A Tale of Two Sisters successfully bothered me where the Hostel films just had me going ‘meh, look, more severed appendages.’  They did it by being excellent, compelling films that also happened to be freaky as shit.

            Then those too got stale, and I decided to give myself the ultimate challenge.  I went online and started to search for lists and articles that proclaimed ‘the most disturbing films ever made.’  Oh yeah, these aren’t just horrors, these are movies that push the line so much they erase it.  It’s no longer a movie you’re watching – it’s an exercise in masochism.  Movies like Irreversible, and Happiness.  These aren’t horrors, but the source material is so unapologetically difficult that you can’t help but squirm in your seat.

            Yet, I overcame even those movies.  Sure, there were scenes in all of them that had me shifting in my seat, not quite willing to maintain eye contact with the screen.  But at no point was I genuinely bothered until I arrived at the fecal feast scene in Salo.  At that point I assumed that I had seen the worst that film could possibly throw at me.  I had stared truly disturbing cinema in the eye and gagged a little, but ultimately came out the other side with my psyche perfectly intact.

            Then I watched A Serbian Film.

On to the review?

            A word of warning:  I am not going to mention everything in this movie but there will still be some frank and earnest descriptions of horrific scenes.  There are portions of this movie that I would happily purge from my memory banks a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  I truly would.  When you make a movie whose detailed visual account of an actual skullfucking is only the sixth or seventh most disturbing thing about it, then you sir have officially won the ‘Fuck YOU, Taras’ award.

            A Serbian Film is so fucked up, Netflix dropped it from their DVD service.  It’s so bad that it’s the only movie on IMDB that my workplace will not let me access, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be investigated just for Googling it on my lunch break.  It’s so goddamn disturbing that I am willing to get rid of the Blu-ray copy I bought off Amazon for the sake of watching it.  It’s such a fucked up movie, I refuse to let it rest next to my copies of Audition and Dead Alive for fear of cross-contamination.

            The premise is as follows:  Retired porn star Milos (Srdjan Todorovic) is running low on savings and would like to provide money for his wife and son.  He’s considering getting back into pornography but would rather not, when he’s given a surprising offer.  An auteur filmmaker, Vukmir (Sergej Trifunovic) is willing to pay him enough money to never have to work again in return for starring in one last film.  The catch is that Milos will have no access to the script.    Up to this point in A Serbian Film it’s simply talk, lots and lots of nudity and frank discussions about all sorts of perversions.  Weird and mildly jarring, but nothing that’s going to have me running for the hills in fear.

            Of course, this is what makes the movie so much worse than Salo or Irreversible.  There’s something about a movie that moves mostly chronologically and slowly, slowly ramps up the disturbing actions, always making the next scene worse than the one before it.  Because of the narrative coherence, you’re far more invested in the characters because you’re not trying to figure out who is who and what is where and when is now.  You already know everyone and what the basic plot is.  This allows you to better focus your attention when a guy threatens to cut off his own dick with a kitchen knife.  (Also not nearly the most disturbing scene.)

            What finally got to me was the relentless sprint from uncomfortable to all-out disturbing that characterized the last 45 minutes or so.  Once our lead agrees to do the porn, things slowly spiral out of control.  When he’s forced to beat a girl while she gives him head, Milos realizes that a dark side of him actually enjoyed it.  This leads to severe guilt, and in a last-ditch effort to save his sanity, he quits the project.

            Vukmir, of course, doesn’t appreciate that.  He has our porn-star ‘hero’ drugged.  The last third of the film follows Milos as he retraces his steps after regaining his senses four days later.  Never before have I watched a movie that had scenes so visceral it caused me to utter negatives at the screen.  Also, I learned that shaking my head and going “No no no oh god fuck no no no oh shit no.” does not make a scene any easier to tolerate.

            Before I re-shock myself with tales of rape, torture, gore, blood, bestiality and worse, I’ll wrap things up.

            A Serbian Film is not a movie that I would recommend to anyone.  If you’re morbidly curious, if you’re like me and simply want to challenge yourself with something that’s not quite a movie but not quite a snuff film, then by all means, give it a try.  If you just want a fun movie, be it scary or suspenseful or what have you, don’t come near.  It’s not worth the memories.

Chronicle: A Good, Original Superhero Film

            Sometimes when the stars align just right, you will go into a movie theater with high expectation and walk out 90-120 minutes later with a sense of fulfillment.

            Friday was one of those times.

            On to the review!

            On Friday I saw Chronicle, the first movie of 2012 that I dared hope would be good.  While The Grey surprised me, all I expected from that one was camp, so it was easy to exceed my expectations.  For Chronicle I actually had the audacity to expect a good movie.  Crazy, right?

            Fortunately for me I was not disappointed.  Chronicle balances out an excellent cast of unknowns with a good plot, just-good-enough special effects and some damn good set pieces.  I feel that casting unknown actors was even more important for this step-brother of a superhero movie, because its' found-footage style would have been far too distracting if everyone in front of the camera were easily recognizable.

            Even better, these new kids were all perfect in their roles.  Since character development heavily influences the plot, I'll try not to go too deeply into each character.  Alex Russell plays Matt, the type of high school kid who reads Descartes, is too smart for his own good and knows it.  His cousin, Andrew (Dane DeHaan) is the angry-looking one from the trailers, and once you get his back story you kind of don't blame him. Rounding out the group is Steve (Michael B. Jordan), the kid who succeeds at anything and everything he tries to do.

            A good 95% of the movie is seen through the eyes of Andrew's camera, and his justifications for carrying it around make sense.  In fact, this whole movie seems to have been written by someone who actually had a normal teenaged childhood, because there's nothing in this movie that I couldn't see myself or my friends and classmates doing.  Yes, a few reactions are overreactions, but even those are believable enough when you factor in teenage hormones.

            Even the circumstance under which they 'develop' their powers is realistic (well, as realistic as gaining the ability to fly using only your mind can be.)  More importantly, everything percolates throughout.  They don't just find out one day that they can do anything they want.  It's a slow, gradual process that comes to them through practice.

            Of course, when you factor in three teenagers at various stages of maturity, all leading three vastly different lives, there's no surprise when things break down.  Again, I really liked this movie, so I'll refrain from being a jerkface and will say as little about the plot as I possibly can.

            Just know that it struck me as believable, and while the series of events that would need to occur are just a little bit of a stretch, they can and have happened in the real world.  (Again, without the super powers.)

            The effects are good, and I think by going to grainy hand-held camera they were able to shave a couple bucks off the FX budget.  But for all I know, they just blew the saved production money on glow sticks.  Seriously, a barn rave? 

            The other part that I thought was pretty cool was the decision to film as much of the movie as possible with cameras that would be on-set.  So on the few occasions where Andrew isn't using his camera, you'll look through the eyes of security footage, police cameras or cell phone cameras.  There are just two parts where this is undoable, but the film still ends up being a good 98% hand-held.

            So there you have it.  A short(er) review because I have very little to make fun of and don't want to spoil the details of the plot, because this is a fairly plot-driven film.  At 83 minutes, it stays sharp and doesn't give itself any time to drag. 

            Check out Chronicle if you like superhero movies of any kind, and especially ones that don't already have decades of mythos to work around.  I like it better than a huge majority of the DC/Marvel works of recent years, and I can't compare it to my favorite indie films because most of those are comedies.  It's still no Batman but it's a load better than anything else DC has shit out in the last few years.

Superhero Movies from Outside The Box

            Come Friday, the first movie of 2012 that I am genuinely excited to see shall arrive in theaters.  To celebrate the potentially misguided hopes that Chronicle will be a fantastic ‘superhero’ movie, I am going to recommend a few other super duper films that feature unconventional heroes and villains.  The unconventional part means that none of them are popular comic-book characters.  No movie on this list comes from properties owned by the big guys like Marvel/DC/Image/etc.

            Super – Super is a superhero film only in the most loosely defined sense.  Yes, there’s a guy who wears a superhero costume, and yes there’s a sidekick.  There’s also a catch phrase and a villain.  That’s where the similarities end.

            Your hero is Frank (Rainn Wilson) whose only special power seems to be delusion, and he ‘fixes’ bad guys by bashing them in the face with a pipe wrench while shouting his catchphrase, "Shut up, crime!".  At one point the neighborhood comic book geek, Libby (Ellen Page), finds out and demands to be his sidekick. 

            The only reason Frank becomes a superhero in the first place is to try and get his drug-addicted wife, Sarah (Liv Tyler) out of the clutches of her new dealer/boyfriend Jacques (Kevin Bacon), whose heroin is totally worth sticking around for, apparently.  Since Jacques isn't the kind of guy who just hands over what he rightfully stole, Frank needs to become more than just a schlubby, middle-aged loser.  Also, Nathan Fillion plays The Holy Avenger, and that alone is worth your time.

            Throw in lots of uncomfortable scenes, dark, awkward humor and unhappy endings for almost everyone involved and you’ve got yourself the sort of superhero film that does NOT get watched at drinking parties.

            Sky High – Shooting off in a completely different direct, we have Sky High.  It’s a teenage coming-of-age story that happens to involve super powers and was a surprise hit in the mid-2000’s.  It is definitely a film worth checking out. 

            Sky High follows Will (Michael Angarano), the son of two of the most popular, powerful superheroes in the world as he starts freshman year at the superhero/villain high school, conveniently hidden a mile up in the clouds.  (Get it?  Sky High?  Eh?  Eh?)  Of course, to make matters even worse than just being a freshman, he’s also manifested no super powers.  Time to navigate a school filled with heroes, villains, friends, enemies and bullies while also being totally lame and only cut out for sidekick duty!

            What really makes this movie stand out is the fact that it expertly mixes action, comedy and drama, plus it has believable teen characters, Bruce Campbell AND half the cast of The Kids in the Hall.

            Hancock – Out of all the films on the list, this one is easily the most recognizable.  It starred a well-known Will Smith and should still be fresh on people's minds since it came out just a few short years ago.  While not nearly the best movie on this list, it had one of the most interesting plots:  The only person on the planet with super powers has no idea who he really is or where he got them, and he’s a raging asshole. 

            In my opinion, Hancock has a terrible reveal and a ridiculous ending, but the first half of the movie is absolutely fantastic, and it’s still a fun movie overall.  Having a PR director for a superhero is a very modern idea.  While I wish it was explored a little deeper, maybe with a little more of an adult mindset than the movie displayed overall, it was just nice to see that side of superhero-dom addressed.  Seriously, real-life superheroes would have an advertising budget and PR firm.  Definitely.

            The Specials – Ahh, The Specials.  Easily my favorite movie on this list, it was shown to me by a coworker in 2002 when I was stationed in Kadena.  A movie so good that I actually stayed sober the entire time I watched it.  (For those of you who were 21 years old, in the military and overseas all at the same time, you’ll understand how impressive that is.)

            The Specials follows America’s sixth or maybe seventh best superhero team in the world as they do….absolutely nothing for a day.  Ostensibly a movie about superheroes, it digs deeply into how a group of supremely gifted individuals are still human beings at heart.  Just because you can shoot lasers out of your hands, communicate with birds, or exist in 8 separate people simultaneously doesn’t mean that you don’t have problems and emotions, damnit.

            What makes this film so good is the realistic humor depicted throughout.  A married couple is having relationship problems, one hero is having an attack of crisis, another is trying to fit in.  They’re problems you would witness in any normal movie, but The Specials manages to combine the super and the mundane into a genuinely fun, funny film.

            Orgazmo – For those of you who want your superheroes to be a bit more straight-laced, Joe Young is your man!  A young, happy Mormon who just wants to raise enough money to marry his girlfriend at the Tabernacle in Salt Lake City, Joe Young is the perfect image of a clean-cut American male.

            Unfortunately, he gets tricked into being a porn star.

            Mind you, he doesn’t have to do any sex scenes.  They have a stunt cock for that.  However, because of his martial arts abilities, he’s the perfect man to play Orgazmo, the stunning, sexually prolific superhero that every lady in porn wants to 'work with.'  When Joe wants out, the director isn’t so willing to let him break his contract.  Plus, Ron Jeremy does all his own stunts.

            Does it surprise you that this comes from the minds of Trey Parker and Matt Stone?

Mystery Men – I’ll be honest.  The first time I saw Mystery Men, I didn’t really get it.  After two more viewings as I got older, one by chance and one intentional, I realized that, holy shit...Mystery Men is pretty damn fun. 

Now, I know that the Mystery Men appeared in a comic book before the film occurred, but I’ll make an exception for two reasons.  First, the comic wasn’t very well known in mainstream circles.  Secondly, fuck you it’s a good movie that’s worth your time.

Mystery Men is a lot like The Specials in that it doesn’t feature a particularly GOOD group of superheroes.  However, when the city’s biggest hero gets captured, it’s up to a group of brave heroes whose talents aren’t particularly spectacular to save the day.

Also like a lot of other movies on this list, Mystery Men blends humor, drama, and an excellent cast of characters into something likeable.  Considering that many of the people in the film are intentionally made to be misguided, dumb, or even downright annoying, the overall likeability of the final product is a testament to the filmmakers and the cast.

The Incredibles – If you haven’t seen this movie yet then you are a terrible person and have no soul.

Superhero movies that I’ve seen but don’t recommend – My Super Ex Girlfriend, Jumper, Zoom.

Superhero movies I haven’t seen but need to, and please don’t hate me – Unbreakable, Darkman, Megamind

What did I miss?  What do you disagree/agree with?  Are you with me on hoping that Chronicle is good?