The Last Stand

            I'm starting 2013 off by being pleasantly surprised.  Dare I hope this sets the tone for the year?

            On to the review!

            Almost a decade ago, I picked up a Korean movie that scared the everloving shit out of me.  Though to this day I'm not sure what the hell I saw, I still gleefully recommend it to any and all fans of horror.  Then last year I finally got around to watching a strange comedy/action/western by the same director and really enjoyed it.

            Imagine my surprise when I found out that Jee-woon Kim, director of two of my three favorite Korean films (A Tale of TwoSisters and The Good, The Bad, andthe Weird) was making his English-language debut with none other than Ahhhnold Schwarzenegger.

            Here's what The Last Stand has going for it:  An excellent cast, at least on paper.  Arnold is Sherriff Ray Owens.  Forest Whitaker plays FBI Agent John Bannister.  Luis Guzman is a deputy.  Johnny Knoxville is gun-obsessed Lewis Dinkum.  Peter Stormare plays Burrell and chews all the scenery.

            It's also got a decent budget for special effects and an escape vehicle so sleek and sexy that even though I'm not a car guy, I kinda want to dry hump it.

           

            Here's what The Last Stand has going against it:  This is Arnold's come-back movie after a very notorious time in his life.  Nobody knows if he can pull in an audience. 

            It's basically a 'debut' film, because even though Jee-woon Kim has directed movies, Hollywood is its own beast.

            Well, you already know what happened.  The last Stand made me laugh my ass off while enjoying a fun little action movie.

            The basic premise is that third-generation Cartel leader Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) is being carted to Federal Prison in the dead of night by Agent Bannister and his team.  Something goes wrong, and he is freed by his goons in the middle of Vegas.  Conveniently, his goons had stolen a Porsche Zero-One. (If I remember correctly.  Again, I'm not a car guy.)  Cortez takes off in the specially modified Porsche and the chase is on.

            Meanwhile, Burrell turns up in Summerton Junction, Sherriff Owen's town.  Owens doesn't like the looks of Burrell, and his suspicions are confirmed when it turns out that Burrell and his men are helping Cortez escape to Mexico.

            It all comes to a head in an excellent, 30-minute fight/chase scene pitting the best mercenaries Cortez can buy against Owen's rag-tag group of Deputies. 

            What I like the most about The Last Stand is that it never quite does what you expect, even when it does.  For a light, action-packed, often-funny film, there is just enough underlying darkness to keep you guessing as to who will or will not die.  Even when you can predict what's going to happen, you're often wrong in how it happens.  This keeps the movie fresh and entertaining until the last reel.

            While Mr. Schwarzenegger may be an ageing star, I really appreciate him showing his age.  He actively acknowledges his advanced years throughout the film and even though he's still an 'Action Hero,' he no longer moves with the same speed and agility.  He may be the hero, but this hero knows he needs help.

            Go check out The Last Stand if you want to see what a good action movie looks like months before a good action movie usually comes out.

2013 Movie Predictions, Part 1

            I feel that it’s about time I tell you what how I feel about 2013’s current crop of films.  Of course I can get all excited about the indie films and look forward to the Sundance and other Film Festival movies, hoping a few hits make it to me this year.  But I know that’s not why you’re here.  You’re here to see me suffer.  I know.  I’m on to you bastards.

            So this year’s 2013 Movie Predictions will focus on the films I know I’ll be watching and hope I won't be despising.  For each film I will give you a.) a short summary of what it’s about, b.) what I hope to think about it and c.) what I’ll probably think about it.

Here’s from now through June.

January:

The Last Stand – a.) Schwarzenegger returns to action movies as the Sherriff of a small Texas town.  He and a band of misfits have been tasked with stopping an escaped prisoner from fleeing to Mexico. 

b.) It’s directed by Kim-Jee-woon, creator of two of my favorite Korean films of all time; I really hope it’ll be an awesome, oddball Hollywood debut. 

c.) I think I’ll find it moderately entertaining yet eminently stupid like 95% of Schwarzenegger's repetoire.

Mama – a.) Two kids survive for years on their own in the woods.  When discovered, they are cleaned up and sent to live with their uncle.  Strange shit happens.  It may or may not be their mother.

b.) While not directed by Guillermo del Toro, he did produce it and it’s based on a very creepy short film.

c.)  Horror movie release in January.  Proly’ gonna suck.

Hansel and Gretel: WitchHunters – a.)  Look at the title. 

b.) It could be a really fun action film with actual, talented acting!

c.) It’s probably going to be another terrible Van Hellsing-type fantasy action with shit characters, shit action, and shit camera.

(Bonus January Movie:  John Dies at the End.  YOU WILL SEE THIS FILM.  THEN BUY THE BOOK.)

February:

Bullet to the Head – a.) Stallone is a hitman who teams up with a cop to bring down the guys who killed both their partners. 

b.) The trailers make it look like Stallone actually does some acting, so maybe it will be a genuine action/drama.

c.)  The trailer also takes great pains to show just how many steroids Stallone has taken.  There’s  a very high chance of this being a stinker.

Identity Thief – a.)  Jason Bateman has a woman’s name and conwoman Melissa McCarthy has stolen his identity.

b.)  Both leads are fantastic comedians and above-average actors.  Maybe that will shine through.

c.)  Maybe it won’t, because there’s nothing in the trailers to make me think I will do anything other than hate the shit out of it.

Dark Skies – a.)  A family is being terrorized by something.  Is it aliens?  It’s aliens.

b.)  The trailer is well done and it could actually be a creepy good alien movie.

c.)  Name the last good alien horror/suspense film.  *sigh*

March:

Jack the Giant Slayer – a.)  An action-adventure take on Jack and the Beanstalk.  This time the giants head down to earth for some plunder.

b.)  I really like the idea of literal David vs. Goliath adventure.

c.)  This was supposed to come out last summer. 

Oz: The Great andPowerful – a.)  In this prequel to The Wizard of Oz, we learn how ‘The Wizard’ (whom nobody gets in to see not no way not no how) got there in the first place.

b.)  James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz.

c.)  From what I understand they were unable to secure the rights to several characters, like the Tin Man, Scarecrow or Cowardly Lion.  Plus, as much as I love Sam Raimi, he’s given me more than one movie that disappointed me in the end.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation – a.) G.I. Joe is pretty much wiped out in a surprise attack by Cobra.  The survivors retaliate.

b.)  I didn’t care much for the first one but this promised to be more brutal, killing off a beloved character…

c.) …until audiences hated it and the entire film had to be pushed back 8 months to reshoot key scenes.

April:

The Evil Dead – a.)  A remake of Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead film.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, we can’t be friends.

b.)  I love The Evil Dead.  So, so, so much.

c.)  Remakes are fickle things.  Coupled with the fact that horror remakes are 99.9999% fuckass (it’s like ass but more terrible) I won’t be holding my breath.

Pain and Gain – a.)  Three bodybuilders decide to live the life of crime to get rich.  Based on a true story?(!)

b.)  Dwanye Johnson, Mark Wahlberg, Tony Shalhoub.

c.)  Directed by Michael Bay.

May:

Iron Man 3 – a.)  Come on, dude.  Fucking Iron Man.

b.)  It looks much darker and far more interesting than Iron Man 2, thanks largely in part to director Shane Black (writer of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, The Last Boy Scout, Lethal Weapons 1-4).

c.)  Honestly I don’t think I’ll hate it, but if it’s another case of diminishing returns it may turn me off wanting to see any future Iron Man films.

The Great Gatsby – a.)  Go read the book. (Also, I haven’t read the book.)

b.)  It looks like they’re taking this adaptation seriously and I do like me some period dramas once in a while.

c.)  I swear to God this was supposed to come out last month.  Did they decide it was so good it could be a blockbuster instead of an awards film?  That makes me nervous.

Star Trek Into Darkness – a.)  I have no idea what it’s about, aside from ‘lots of lens flare’ and ‘Benedict Cumberbatch is pissed’.

b.)  J.J. Abrams does us another solid, makes 2 good Star Trek movies in a row.

c.)  J.J. Abrams gives us another Super 8 where lots of people really enjoy it but can’t quite express why and everyone else just bitches about everything they didn’t like.

Fast and Furious 6 and The Hangover: Part III – a.)  We all know exactly what these are all about.

b.)  Fast and Furious 5 was better than it should have been, while The Hangover: Part II was absolutely worthless as a movie.

c.)  I compare these two because I really, honestly believe they’ll be moving in opposite directions as far as franchises go.

June:

Man of Steel – a.)  Let’s see if we can make a good Superman movie, guys!

b.)  Produced by Christopher Nolan!  Yay!

c.)  Directed by Zach Snyder!  Boo!

This is the End  - a.)  A Mars Attacks meets Attack The Block comedy where everyone in Hollywood plays as themselves.

b.)  I like every name on that list and find 90% of them to be hilarious.

c.)  Too much Danny McBride kills movies.

World War Z – a.)  The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us (again).

b.)  I loved the book.

c.)  This is nothing at all like the book.

(Also, Kick-Ass 2?  Since when?)

July:

Lone Ranger – a.)  A movie update of the old TV show, wherein a cowboy travels with his trusty Indian sidekick.  They couldn’t afford a real Indian so they got Johnny Depp instead, who now works for free if you let him keep his costumes.

b.)  Sometimes remakes and reimaginings can be fun!

c.)  Sometimes remakes and reimaginings can be shit!

Pacific Rim – a.)  Giant robots defend humanity from sea monsters.

b.)  Actually directed by Guillermo del Toro!

c.)  Giant robots and sea monsters.  I don’t care who you are, it’s still going to be a hard sell.

The Wolverine – a.)  Another prequel about what Wolverine did before he was an X-Man.

b.)  It’s actually tracing a supposedly popular and well-loved comic book arc.

c.)  Hollywood can screw anything up if given enough time.

Okay, at this point it’s more and more conjecture so I’ll give my predictions for the second half of 2013 in June once I can get more trailers and movie news under my belt.

Netflix Roundup! Iron Sky, Bernie and V/H/S

            How's this for narcissism?  I'm writing about what I've been up to while listening to myself on a podcast.  Now if only that commissioned painting of myself was complete...

            So here's the deal.  I am MOVING.  In one month, I'll be driving 1700 miles, looking for a place to live and searching for a new internet provider.  This means that there will be a decent gap in updates.  Just think of it as holiday break part 2.

            Because of my crazy schedule, I may not be able to get to the theater for new films.  However, I promise that you will have something new to read every Sunday and Wednesday from now until Feb 13.

            For today, here's a nice little round-up of several decent movies that have hit Netflix.  Something for everyone!

On to the review(s)!

Iron Sky - As noted last year, I was really excited for this one.  Nazi's in space?  A Sarah Palin lookalike as president?  Camp and a classic Sci-Fi B Movie feel?  Why did they not just mail me a copy, knowing that I wanted to see it. 

            So how was it?

            Ehhhhh.....could've been worse.

            If you've never heard of it, it came out in the spring of 2012.  Starring nobody in particular, the new President sends the world's first Black man to the moon.  They venture to the dark side and discover that the Nazi's had built an outpost there, where they are now raising successive generations of brainwashed German children.  Upon destroying the 'invading' U.S. ship and capturing the *gasp* Black man (Christopher Kirby as James Washington), they find that his cell phone is enough to power their weaponry, allowing them to finally achieve their goal of world domination.

            Here's the problem.  For such a campy film, they tried too hard to juggle close to half a dozen plotlines.  When it stayed zoomed out as a campy 'Nazi's vs. Earth' film, it was lots of fun with many well-imagined special effects.  However, every time we zoomed in to the two (TWO!) love triangles, the movie stuttered and spit all over the place.  The only entertaining storyline was Washington's struggle with being a white man after the Nazi's 'fix' him.  Oh, those wacky, racist Nazis.

            So Iron Sky isn't a bad movie per se, but I believe that if I had seen it in theaters I would have been very, very disappointed.

Bernie - Jack Black tries his hand at drama and succeeds swimmingly.  In fact, this movie stars not only Mr. Black, but Shirley MacLaine and Matthew McConaughey.  So where the hell did it come from?  I honestly don't know.

            Released in 2011, Bernie is 'based on a true story' involving a (possibly) closeted homosexual assistant funeral director in a small Texas town.  He marries the town's rich widow and (spoilers?  no, it's in the damn summary) kills her.  However, he's so popular in the town that people are willing to either overlook his actions or actually shrug and claim that she deserved it for being such a horrible person.

            Jack black is incredibly nuanced as compared to his usual roles.  I'm actually going to go ahead and say that this is his Punch Drunk Love.  It's fun, kinda funny, and oddly compelling.

V/H/S - Here's your horror kick!  V/H/S is not actually a straight-up movie but a collection of short films put together with only one overarching theme: amateur filmmaking.  One of the short films ties the others together, involving a group of guys who are paid to break into a man's house and steal a particular VHS tape.  The other films all show up as they are sifting through a huge collection of tapes, trying to find the one they're after.

            Out of the six shorts, I really enjoyed three of them.  One was okay until the ending, and only one fell flat.  Interestingly enough, I disliked the overarching one the most as the guys were all super-douche assholes, making it hard to really care what happened to them.

            I really really liked the first one, Amateur Night, about a group of guys picking up girls at the bar and getting more than they bargained for.  Second Honeymoon was the one that fell flat for me, but there were a few moments of genuine tension.  Tuesday the 17th was cool, and I liked the idea of a monstrous killer that couldn't be caught on film. 

            The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger made awesome use of Skype and it was actually the only one that gave me a genuine creep-out moment.  Too bad the ending was just not good enough when compared to the rest of it.  Finally, 10/31/98 showed off some excellent haunted house effects and the way it ended was great.  The short film that surrounds all this is called Tape 56 and, well, meh.

            It's rare that I enjoy any anthology film, so when I say this is good, I think you'll enjoy it too, with two caveats.  It's all handheld, so if you get motion sick easily, stay away.  Also, it is all horror but they run the gamut from monsters to murderers to the supernatural.

            Finally, I want to thank the guys at X-Strike Studios for having me on their end of the year podcast!  These guys are awesome and their podcasts are always fun to listen to.  If you want to know what we all thought about the best and worst of 2012 in movies and video games, check out my guest appearance on X-Strike's Tripleradio right here!

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 If you like it, devour all their podcasts at http://x-strikestudios.com/tripleraidio/media/.

Lincoln

My thoughts on Lincoln in bullet-point format.

·         Daniel Day-Lewis will join Denzel Washington on the Best Actor list come Oscar time.

·         Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in this too?  Is there some sort of new rule that he must appear in 25% of all new movies?

·         Tommy Lee Jones looks old.  I mean old.  He's amazing and all, and it's nice to see him chew the shit out of all the scenery, but when did he get so painfully decrepit?  Just looking at the bags underhis eyes made me want to sleep for weeks.

·         Sally Field is amazing, which is good, because I think she's 33% of all women with speaking roles.

·         It's PG-13, but there are a few points where you might not be totally comfortable with a 13-15 year old watching.  At the very least, be ready for a healthy discussion afterwards.

·         Spielberg is in fine form with Lincoln but he still hasn't shaken his inability to end a film.  This could have been shortened by two scenes and a good 15 minutes and, like AI, it may have actually been better without the coda.

·         Moriarty playing Ulysses S. Grant was weird.

·         Every time you recognize a new character on screen, take a shot.  You'll be legally dead by the 50 minute mark.

·         I'm ready to say that this is the definitive Lincoln performance.  I'm glad that so much research was done.  According to historical sources, yes, his voice really did sound more like this and not some sort of bear-like rumble.

·         150 minutes rarely pass by so quickly.

·         The Biopic is the new War Movie.  Everybody wants in.

·         How many people are going to be genuinely surprised by the factual politics?  School does NOT go this in depth.

·         We need more imaginative name-calling in Congress.

·         I'm not big on biographies, but I want to read more about Lincoln and the 13th Amendment just because of this film.  Go see it.  Now.

Equilibrium

            HOW HAVE I NOT YET TOLD THE WORLD HOW MUCH I LOVE EQUILIBRIUM???

            On to the review!

            In 2002 we were introduced to a movie that fulfilled every red-blooded male’s (non-nude) fantasy.  Finally, a film that combined martial arts, gunplay, a dystopian future and a thinly-veiled nod to Fahrenheit 451.  Cleaner and more linear than 1999’s The Boondock Saints, Equilibrium delivered the concept of gun-kata: a mathematically sound martial art used to maximize one’s firing ability.  It also introduced audiences to Christian Bale as an action hero rather than just that crazy guy from American Psycho.

            In the future world that Equilibrium represents, feelings are illegal.  Everyone is on a mandatory dosage of Prozium (because Prozac is under copyright).  To guarantee that nobody ‘accidently’ has feelings, all works of art have also been banned.  Anyone found to be harboring books, artwork, music, etc. is guaranteed the death sentence.  Anyone who does not take their Prozium is labeled a Sense Offender and is guaranteed the death sentence.  Anyone who acts suspiciously is probably guaranteed a death sentence.  Your face is definitely guaranteed the death sentence.

            Christian Bale is John Preston, one of the highest ranking ‘Clerics’ of Libria, one of an unknown number of surviving cities.  Hell, Libria may be the last surviving ‘utopia’ of mankind.  Who knows?  Who cares?  Explosions!

            Anyways, Preston’s job as a Cleric is to hunt down and terminate Sense Offenders as well as burn any banned media, even if it is the original Mona Lisa.  Of course, all is not well as he soon discovers that his partner Partridge (Sean Bean) went off his Prozium quite some time ago.  Guess what?  (SPOILER) Sean Bean dies in this film.  This fits well into my theory that if Sean Bean dies the movie is good. 

            No time for mourning  (since emotions are illegal and all) so Preston gets a new partner right quick.  His new partner, Brandt (Taye Diggs), is a far less pleasant person; willing to do anything in his power to rise up the Clerical ranks as quickly as possible.  As Preston begins to question his role in the world, Brandt may have a very real opportunity to move up very far, very quickly.

            Equilibrium does have a bit of romance shoehorned in, and it’s to the acting credit of Bale and Emily Watson (as Mary O’Brien) that it isn’t laughable.  The rest of the film is dedicated to violence.  Both the gunplay and hand-to-hand combat are smooth, brutal and efficient.  For the most part Equilibrium wants to spend as much time as possible showing off its shiny toys.

            In all reality, Equilibrium tanked at the box office, taking in less than 10% of its estimated budget from the U.S. release.  It recouped a bit more worldwide but I’m honestly not sure if it broke even.

            I don’t care about that.  It is most certainly a cult classic today.  I loved the movie the first time I saw it as a 22 year old, and I loved it when I watched it on Sunday as a 31 year old.  Sometimes you just want to watch one guy shoot 20 men.

Then kick them.

Fish Story

            It's difficult writing about a movie where everything is confusing as hell until the very end.  You can't talk about the plot without taking the risk of giving away the entire film.  So instead, I'll try to convince you to watch a really good movie without actually talking much about it.

On to the review!

            A friend helpfully requested I review a movie that is not horrible and I gladly added it to my Netflix queue.  Funnily enough, I had already seen it.  Unfunnily enough, I had blanked this amazing film from my mind.  Maybe it was just too good for me?

            It's called Fish Story, a Japanese film released in 2009.  It does not take place in one static time period.  Instead, Fish Story unfolds over a period of decades.

             The basic premise is that the end of the world is nigh due to a huge comet hurtling towards Earth.  The streets are deserted, everything closed except for one lone record store.  A few wanderers make their way there out of curiosity.  There they end up being played a song called Fish Story from an unremembered band that was way ahead of their time.

            The man running the store insists that somehow that song, its very existence, will save the world.

            Sounds pretty weird, right?  How does a song laid down on vinyl end up saving civilization 37 years later?

            Think of Fish Story as Japan's Mulholland Drive, only with an ending that makes sense and with less lesbian nudity.  They both jump around all over the place and they both often leave the viewer scrambling to find purchase.  If you don't pay attention you may end up hopelessly lost.

            What I enjoyed about it most was how well everything interconnects.  Interspersed between scenes of the band working on and recording their song, entire lives unfold around them.  Things happen to people that don't make much sense in context, but at the end of the film everything snaps into focus.

            At times touching and at other times quirky and amusing, Fish Story does its best to keep the viewer's attention through sheer force of will.  A movie like this could have easily become inane or downright terrible but it's to the credit of superb writing and excellent acting that it never falters.  I absolutely love the characters, and the more you learn about the band's history and actions the more you come to enjoy their time on screen.  On my second viewing, I found myself smiling and humming along as they finally record their opus. 

            Is that enough for you?  Does knowing that a movie is worth your time and attention but still not knowing much more than you could cull from Wikipedia or IMDB make you want to see it?  I hope it does.  You really should make time for Fish Story.

            Who knows, it may help you save the world.

Killing Them Softly

No intro today, let's get straight into the review.

            This weekend I went to a matinee showing of Killing Them Softly, the third directorial effort of Andrew Dominik.  His only other works are Chopper and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.  Interestingly enough all three of Mr. Dominik's movies have a rating between 7 and 8 on IMDB, and all three of them apparently impressed critics while confusing the ever-loving shit out of audiences.

            Case in point: as I was walking out of the theater afterwards, the middle-aged woman in front of me turned to her husband and proclaimed "From a scale of one to ten, I give that a three." 

            While I felt a bit more generous, I certainly understood where she was coming from.

            You see, Killing Them Softly is not a movie per-se.  It is more like an arthouse interpretation of a mafia film.  The trailer itself isn't as misleading as Adventureland, but it most certainly promises you far more action than you're going to get.  I would say that almost two-thirds of Killing Them Softly's action is present in the trailer.   So if you're expecting something like The Italian Job you're going to be sorely disappointed.

            Set in a shitty, run-down city with no name, Killing Me Softly devotes the first half hour to the planning and execution of a robbery, then takes a sudden turn.  Instead of following the two relatively inept low-level crooks as they deal with the fallout, it instead jumps between a dozen different characters, most of whom are involved with an unknown Mafia-type organization, be they operatives, thugs or hitmen.

            If it sounds like I'm having a hard time describing the film, well, that's because I am.  Ostensibly it should be cut-and-dry.  Two guys rob an underground card game, then the people in charge of the game go hunting for the robbers.  It's just not that simple, and if I were to try to explain in better, I would ruin it.

            What I can say is that the cinematography is absolutely gorgeous.  Every single scene is perfect, and while I may not have enjoyed every close-up, angle or effect, I can't argue with how well-framed they all were.  On top of that, the sound design also blew me away.  I'm not an expert by any means, but the way all the sounds were integrated heightened every scene.  The same goes for the soundtrack; I may not have appreciated every song, but they always worked.

            When all is said and done, I can't call Killing Them Softly a gritty movie, but I can say it just felt real.  At times real boring, at others real impressive, but always with a strange feeling that you're only one step away from a documentary.  Hell, because of the camera work and sound design, there's one part in the film where it seems like they're actually beating the shit out of Ray Liotta.

            All in all, Killing Them Softly is not a movie that I would recommend to the everyday moviegoer.  There's definitely something there for cineastes, but it's just too far off the beaten path for the rest of us.  It's not exactly Reservoir Dogs.