Red State

So, here's a movie that a few of you have already seen.  It's one that some of you absolutely rabidly couldn't wait for.  It's one that most of you have never even heard of.  Many of you probably won't even care after reading this review.  But after months of anticipation....RedState!

            Well, I guess I should be glad I wasn't anticipating this more than any other movie that mildly piques my interest, because that's my emotions were only mildly stimulated by the film. 

            Before I go any further, I am a huge Kevin Smith fan.  I own almost all his movies, and some of them in both DVD and Blu-ray.  But I'm not a Kevin Smith fanboy.  In fact, when I think about it, I'm not a real fanboy of any single person, be they actor, writer or director.  If they do something that doesn't entertain me, I'm not going to make excuses for it.  On the flip side, I'm not going to get all butthurt and scream about how they're 'letting down their fans' and all that bullshit. 

            I'm 30 years old.  I've never been so into any one thing that I defended it blindly.  First off, I wasn't very good at defending things verbally, and second, it just didn't make sense.  We have different things because there are people with different tastes.

            Anyhow, Red State is Kevin Smith's commentary on the ridiculousness of religious zeal from a pseudo actiony-horrory-torture porn point of view.  The movie starts off with three horny teenagers heading over to a hot chick's house for a 3-on-1 orgy of sorts.  Then they get drugged and kidnapped by the Five Points Church, which ably fills in for the Westboro Baptist Church in this fictional land.

            The kids are to be 'punished' by the true believers in Christ for their blasphemous ways via the wonderful act of shooting them to death.  Of course, since this is a holy place they will first be Saran Wrapped to a cross.

            Just as the film starts to turn into a horrific Hostel-type film where the three teens try to get away from these crazies before they're all killed, the movie shifts gears and becomes a hostage crisis movie starring John Goodman. 

            I will give Red State credit where it is due.  The people who live and the people who die are not always the ones you would expect, and how they die is often very surprising.  The dialog in the beginning and end of the movie is easily recognizable as Kevin Smith, and Michael Parks' crazy preacher character has a very interesting, stirring speech placed at just the right point to slow the entire movie down to a crawl.  Despite how well Parks does with his character, the timing and the length of the speech is just wretched.

            All in all, Red State is not going to sell you on Kevin Smith if for some reason you don't know who he is.  This is the only movie like it from this director, and I have to say that it's probably a good thing.

            Other than some sudden deaths, everything is pretty by-the-book, and there's nothing in this film that hasn't been done better somewhere else.

            I don't think this is Smith's Punch Drunk Love, where true fans of his totally ignore him because of how different and out there it is, but I do think it was just a weird place to go.  I like what he had to say, because I agree with him about both the ridiculousness of government and religious fervor without abandon.

            I just wish it was put together a little bit better.

            Red State is a decent party movie in the second half, but you sure miss a lot of dialog in the first half if you're not paying close attention.  Check it out if you're a fan, I'm sure you'll find at least a few things to love.  If you're a fan of Hostel-type movies, you'll enjoy parts of it.  Still, you might wanna just skip this and go watch Hostel again, or Feast if you need to see a member of the View Askewniverse get murdered.

Joe Cam, Sean, (mostly) Christie, Black Chad and a random dude who snuck in because Joe forgot to change the setting to private were the guests.  Thanks all for a good time of making fun of everything!

As usual, blah blah blah, we are talking, movie is in italics.

"Don't trust the unshowered hippie with a gun, he'll hurt himself."

"I wanna know what Kinko's Kevin Smith went to to get those signs made. " (Anal Penetration = Eternal Damnation)

"I'm outta beer boys, it's time for the gross Grandma fuckin'."

*At this point we have a 5 minute conversation about my trip to a fundamentalist Church.*

"I this cage, we got a Jew....we must convert him!"

"I loved the fact that everyone else in the congregation just smiled and nodded when he was tazed." "I think this is a hint that it might not be your regular congregation." "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Let's go burn some books!"

"Oh my God, there's someone under the sheet! " "It's the Holy Ghost! " "He has risen!"

"Are they gonna beat someone to death with the Bible?  That'd be awesome. "

"So we take the children, and we take them out back and play 'beat you with a rubber hose' because Jesus loves you. " " No, we take 'em down to Popeye's because everyone loves that chicken! "

"Well, he is a teenager.  They react much more slowly than us normal folk. "

Watch out for that gay saliva, it can turn ya. "There's no need to explain that any further. "

"This really should be a long commercial on the strength of industrial Saran Wrap. "

"He plays a pot dealer on Breaking Bad. " "Well, he apparently forgot to not looked stoned when playing a cop. "

"Because Saran Wrap breaks when you believe enough. "

"'Cause y'know...nothing says Jesus like an AK-47. "

"Pete!  Are you dead now Pete?  PETE!  Did you find my stapler, Pete!? "

 "Bill and Silent Ted's Excellent Adventure Strikes Back!  Get on that! " "Silent Jeb and the Wandering Dogma. "

"He's gonna miss, that kid has never fired a gun before. "  "But he's played Call of Duty. "  "Don't worry guys, I've played Halo, I got this! "  "I was hoping they'd have a plasma sword down there, but this is what I've got. "

"Stop hitting my butt buddy. "

"Yeah, fuck that gate!"

"He's channeling his inner Matt Dillon."

"It's in the bylaws.  In case of shoot-outs, do arts and crafts."  "Macaroni and glitter art."

"I'm puttin' you on the corner to make some money."

"It's the brown note!"

"It's opposite day.  We only shoot you if you want to live."

"The U.S. government does not kill people."  "We misplace them, and they're never heard from again."

"No, he's got Jesus tattooed on his dick.  He's got Moses parting the Red Sea on his ass."